I'm trying to decide how to explain this so it actually has a chance to make sense...
I feel like every interaction I have takes place on multiple levels:
The most basic being just the words that are spoken along with tone and shifts in voice.
Following that is the impression that I get of them through the first level. This impression will be the guiding force that I use to decide how I react.
Now basically I see all of these options of what I could say to them.. but attached to each of them are not only their reactions to what I could say but also how their view of me will change. It's like having a mirror held up to your face that you present and whenever your talking you get to see the changes instantly.
Now imagine this in a social setting with multiple people and all of these strands flowing into you. Each one trying to take in as much as possible. You feel like you have multiple mirrors and as you speak a new face is presented to each individual depending on their values, mood and every other factor that you could think of. The worst part is you can see all of these mirrors surrounding you and the changes that happen instantly whenever you speak.
In the past this has lead to paralysis in a social setting. Knowing that whatever you say will cause a change in perception- good or bad. Just this complete awareness can be so overwhelming and its taken me quite awhile to get a handle on it.
Many will say that you should just be yourself, ignore the opinions of others but this is me. This is who I am and how I interact. To be myself is to be like this. Lately I've just been trying to block initial selection of what I should say and just spurt out whatever comes to mind but I still see the after effect of what I've said.
Sorry if this was confusing, I was just curious I guess and needed it to get it on a paper-ish substance.