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  1. #1
    Senior Member amelie's Avatar
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    Default Can you really know an INFJ?

    I'm wondering if this is an I thing or an NF thing or what...

    I've seen several NFJ's talk on the board about others thinking that we regard them as besties when we are just being nice, and then suddenly, you have a problem. So I'm figuring that's kind of normal for my type. But recently, I've been pretty stunned at some of the assumptions my friends (not good friends, mind you, but people I hang out with) make about me. For example, that I never drink alcohol, and that I'm very conservatively religious.

    Both of those things are laughably untrue (not that there is anything wrong with either one, but they totally are not me). I only discovered this when I found out that my "friends" were drinking and trying to avoid letting me see them drinking, and then finally they offered me a virgin drink. I have friends I have happy hours and things with - but they are my really close friends. I think it's bizarre that these people would make an assumption without asking me about it, but I also just think it's very odd to know someone for a couple of years and have them know so little about who I really am.

    I'm so curious as to what kind of a thought process would go into something like that. Is it some type of weird projection of self? If so, could that also explain why some people take our type as BFF's when we are really not all that into someone else and just being nice?

    Does this happen to you? (NFJ's or other types) and if so, how do you handle it?

  2. #2
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Yes. I am an INFJ's best friend... he isn't just being nice. I'm his go to guy. He usually confides in me and in his ISTJ girlfriend. I pretty much know everything about him. I don't have any siblings, and I'd say he's the closest thing to a brother that I have.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

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  3. #3
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    You mean the intensity I get off of INFJ's when we meet and the electricity sparks that start flying, and the conversation just won't stop flowing, isn't because we are besties?

    Oh, and I LOL'ed at your friends hiding alcohol from you, that's hilarious.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

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  4. #4
    Senior Member amelie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    You mean the intensity I get off of INFJ's when we meet and the electricity sparks that start flying, and the conversation just won't stop flowing, isn't because we are besties?
    There have been a few people that I hit it off with very well from the start - they slip past the armor way faster than other people. ENFP's and ENFJ's tend to be the most likely types. There's just kind of an instant connect that isn't there with other types.

  5. #5
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    That happens all the time to me, although often in the opposite direction. I am conservatively religious and don't drink and since I am not openly judgemental of acquaintance friends that I am not close to, they may even mistake me for an anarchist, hippy, vegan, free spirit, pot user, or whatever else they happen to be that I'm not. I have people that I've casually known for 5 years who live in the same small teacher village (about 50 people) as me, go to all the same parties and gatherings, and work with me, yet expressed surprise this year to find out that I didn't drink when they offered me a beer and to come over to their house with a group of people to smoke up. On the other hand, other people are horribly shocked to hear me use double entendres or say something they wouldn't have expected to come out of me.

    I'm not ashamed to express my views and feel fairly comfortable with defending them, although I don't hit people over the head with them. It kind of amuses me to see all the of the different personas people have attributed to me, from far more conservative to far more liberal than I actually am. I think that while we are not chameleons, we are fairly tolerant and not immediately judgemental which may be interpreted as being quite liberal. On the other hand, we do deliberate over our actions and have a strong set of personal values, which some may mistake for being very conservative or careful.

    Generally anyone who knows me well knows who I am. I do become exasperated with the amount of people who just perceive me as generically nice, when in reality I am able to stand up for myself, am not naive, and am fairly opinionated. So far, I haven't found any particular method of combatting the problem.

  6. #6
    Senior Member amelie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    Yes. I am an INFJ's best friend... he isn't just being nice. I'm his go to guy. He usually confides in me and in his ISTJ girlfriend. I pretty much know everything about him. I don't have any siblings, and I'd say he's the closest thing to a brother that I have.
    That's cool - I do have a handful of long-standing friendships with people who know me really well, and they are my BEST friends, and they are like family. I bet you've known him a long time?

    But then there are still the other people, who are friends, but not deep, long-standing friends, who just really don't get me at all. They apparently think they do, but they aren't even close. The lack of understanding there was pretty shocking, and a little disconcerting. I'm thinking these women were ISFP and INTP's? I would think the INTP would get me a little better?

  7. #7
    Senior Member amelie's Avatar
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    Fidelia, this is exactly what I'm talking about! Thank you! Exasperation pretty much captures it. I just don't understand how I can be around these people as often as I am and be so completely misunderstood. It also makes me wonder if I'm that far off the mark at times, but that doesn't fit well with my experience.

  8. #8
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by amelie View Post
    That's cool - I do have a handful of long-standing friendships with people who know me really well, and they are my BEST friends, and they are like family. I bet you've known him a long time?

    But then there are still the other people, who are friends, but not deep, long-standing friends, who just really don't get me at all. They apparently think they do, but they aren't even close. The lack of understanding there was pretty shocking, and a little disconcerting. I'm thinking these women were ISFP and INTP's? I would think the INTP would get me a little better?
    Yeah I've known him for about five years. We met in school in home room, and we didn't really have anyone we liked to talk to in school, just some acquaintances. He didn't have any real friends. That included those in the homeroom classroom that we were in that we would have until we graduated. He was wearing a shirt with a Legend of Zelda symbol on it, so I was like "hey cool this guy is a gamer too", and I just sat down next to him and we hit it off very quickly even though he was shy at first. It's precisely as you put it, like family. We bonded at first through playing together in video games against people and getting better together. Then we moved up to competitive playing together. You tend to talk a lot while doing this, because a bunch of silence isn't all that great. We both noticed how shockingly similar we seemed, and that it was nice having someone that understood. It was a feeling of safety almost, like I could trust him with anything and he could trust me with anything. But then we learned about MBTI (we took the test together the same day at my house when we were screwing around on the internet) and then realized that we were also very different.

    It's hilarious when we interact with other people that don't know him as well, because like you said they think that they do. And I can tell. And the vibes I get from him tell me that he feels kinda awkward about it- JUST like you do!

    Yes I would think that the INTP would get it more.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

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  9. #9
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I think some of the more extroverted types also tend to perpetuate those misconceptions about us and others who also don't know us very well just assume they're right since they have little evidence one way or the other. This is especially frustrating about people who like to exert power or control.

    I had someone very close to me that I worked with who also had a job in the school that allowed for considerably more proximity to others and socializing than I had. He used to say things to my administrators and other people at school like, "She wouldn't say shit if she had a mouthful of it" etc which was not only insulting, but very inaccurate. It was especially maddening because he was close to me, so others assumed that he knew!

  10. #10
    Senior Member Lightyear's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    That happens all the time to me, although often in the opposite direction. I am conservatively religious and don't drink and since I am not openly judgemental of acquaintance friends that I am not close to, they may even mistake me for an anarchist, hippy, vegan, free spirit, pot user, or whatever else they happen to be that I'm not.

    Ha ha I can so relate to that! I have done a lot of travelling and though I am not a hippy (and don't want to be one) I like the company of alternative, slightly off-the-wall people, for example one of my travels led me to the very free-spirited Burning Man Festival in the Nevada desert, I went there simply because I like these kind of people and the art and the openness of the place. On the other hand I am a strongly believing Christian (the only one in a family of atheists), I don't believe in having sex before marriage, I have never been drunk (which doesn't have that much to do with being religious, I just couldn't be arsed) etc so I must seem quite contradictory to people, one side might accuse me of not really being true to my faith (yes I am) while the other side is astounded when they hear that I have quite a few conservative views.

    But I have no problems with being contradictory, somehow my character and approach to life make sense to me and I guess that the few people who are truly good friends of mine get me.

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