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[INFJ] Can you really know an INFJ?

Cimarron

IRL is not real
Joined
Aug 21, 2008
Messages
3,417
MBTI Type
ISTJ
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
Good thread topic, I'm subscribing just in case.
 

amelie

New member
Joined
May 23, 2009
Messages
110
MBTI Type
XNFJ
INFJs hold their passions dearly, and wouldn't want them to be up for others to scrutinize. Also, an INFJ may never speak about themselves unless asked, so a person who rarely inquires will know little to nothing about the INFJ's true thoughts. People assume INFJs are more uptight than they are because they present a "no nonsense" face to the world at large.

I have very tough criteria for someone being named BFF (or so it seems, since I've rarely called someone that).

Thank you for this - I think all of what you have said rings true for me. I do hide most of my beliefs from everyone - I just feel like they are private, and I only have a few, really deep friendships and those are very long-standing. I'm much more comfortable just listening to people and learning about them than I am talking about myself, though in my close friendships, I often ask for my friends' take on things that I'm facing to check my perception.

Journey - I have a sister who is an INFX, and she is hard to know. I'm sorry for your loss - your sister sounds like a very special person.

This always leaves me puzzled because they're so wrong, come on, you're supposed to know me by now.

I too let others believe what they want and I'm mostly amused by it but from time to time it gets frustrating because it always seems that I'm the one making more effort to sustain a friendship and care more about them than they do about me.

This captures how I feel about it - it's funny, but then it can feel really frustrating to me because it's isolating.

I often feel the way you are describing about more casual friendships, but I've started to realize that no one is asking me make all the effort. I'm more likely to let it go at this point if I start to feel that it's weighted really far in one direction.

Can anyone know anyone else? Can we know ourselves? What does it mean to know someone?

Knowledge is a lie about a lie.

I think it's a good point - perhaps it's more of an existential issue than a personality issue. Surely almost everyone has different layers of privacy - people who don't aren't safe or healthy in our society. But I do think there can be such a thing as being too guarded. I watch other people who are very extraverted or very confident or whatever, and it seems easy for them to be warm and open, and I really envy that. I don't think it takes most people years to have a truly close friendship either, but maybe the trade-off is in depth of relationships? I don't know. I think it's an interesting idea to explore.
 

amelie

New member
Joined
May 23, 2009
Messages
110
MBTI Type
XNFJ
Do you think that it's (a) I'm being like these other people in the thread and she's mildly annoyed with me or (b) she and I probably click enough that she is disappointed when there's an area that's lacking understanding.

My guess would be b as well.
 

the state i am in

Active member
Joined
Feb 12, 2009
Messages
2,475
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infj
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5w4
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sx/sp
choice b, with my intj at first i was upset about various little things that i thought she should completely get bc our Ni dom seemed to work so similarly. but later i realized the differences that upset me were mostly my own insecurities and wanting to be justified that everything i believed/was/am was and always will be right.

a little more social support and good feedback from others and you don't need god and truth and science on your side. a bigger picture helps too, how things fit together and a sense of belonging.

i like the mystic label for infjs. we have very deep and caring relationships with many people, some more than others. but in the end it feels like we want to go straight to the top, for the big kahuna, etc. i want total connection and the highest awareness, i want to dialogue with the largest piece of cognition/the pie that i can find.

in my experience we achieve the best overall connection with other dominant iNtuitives. we don't NECESSARILY care more about them than others, but we communicate much more ______ (/everything) and our relationships often grow as a result. i told my entp friend that i love talking to others to get new ideas, new impressions, new perspectives, new experience. but that when you talk to another dominant iNtuitive, it's like each of us are carrying around enough perspectives to feed a family of 100. when we share them, it's this weird exponential growth feeling.

we're information junkies bc that is our specialty. dominant perceivers. others are value junkies bc they store the goodness and badness they experience/touch. dominant judgers.
 

neptunesnet

man-made
Joined
Sep 5, 2009
Messages
1,228
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INFP
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5&4
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sx
That happens all the time to me, although often in the opposite direction. I am conservatively religious and don't drink and since I am not openly judgemental of acquaintance friends that I am ot close to, they may even mistake me for an anarchist, hippy, vegan, free spirit, pot user, or whatever else they happen to be that I'm not.

Yeah. I'm an INFP and I have the same problem. Most people (because of my politics) think that I'm a vegan hippy (although I am a vegetarian), but they don't know that I'm deeply religious and don't smoke, drink, or swear. It always surprises people. Then, when they find out that I have some values they immediately assume I'm some naive church goer and they can't possibly have a conversation with me or relate to me at all. It's frustrating!
I can be a vegetarian church goer if I want.
 

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
Joined
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Messages
11,429
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4w3
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sx/so
I want to **** you all.
 

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
Joined
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Messages
11,429
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sx/so
Fill in the blanks, baby! MROWL! *leering wink*

On a serious note: I'm very hard to know, and I'm aware of it, and it bothers me, but nothing changes because living close to the surface frightens me. My sister know me very well because she's lived with me since our birth, but other than her, I don't think anyone fully knows me and that's not braggable.

I've found, at least as far as romantic relationships go, that the guy has to know me on SIGHT, little to no learning curve, instant "I see through you" x-ray vision, or I'll be able to hide from him.

Friends, they may know me pretty well or very well depending on our interests and closeness. I'd say that my best friends have seen 90% of "me". I endeavor to be more transparent, but it's extremely difficult and scary. Not to say I assume a facade, because I don't -- what you see is me, don't get me wrong -- but as to the things I consider hard to defend or indefensible, I bury that with a shovel and then bury the shovel.
 

The Outsider

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Feb 3, 2009
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intp
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sx
I'm not an INFJ, but I am very hard to really get to know, if not impossible. Even my best friend, whom I've known pretty much since I was born, doesn't know a lot of things about me. I'm not purposefully trying to hide who I am, I usually just don't see how it should matter to anyone I guess. I'm trying to figure out who I am myself, no need to mix others into it.
Recently I've been trying to be more open though. Just this summer I told that friend about some things that haunted my childhood and teenage years. He was genuinely surprised by all of it.
And no, I didn't feel like some weight was taken off from my shoulders or anything. I've always been perfectly fine taking things in and letting them dissolve.
 

BlackCat

Shaman
Joined
Nov 19, 2008
Messages
7,038
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ESFP
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9w8
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sx/sp
ditto. something's amiss?

This is because the two share Fe/Ti. When you have the same judgment styles, you tend to have similar values.
 

Gloriana

Patron Saint Of Smileys
Joined
Aug 2, 2009
Messages
949
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INFJ
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6w5
I have the same problem with people knowing me, and I'm dumbfounded sometimes because I feel like I'm actually pretty expressive and open. I have the problem where people latch on with the "It's like you and I have this...connection" and in my head I'm like "Uhhhh, we DO?". Meanwhile, we have next to nothing in common save a couple of similar life experiences.

I'm not sure why people constantly fail to know me very well. For example, I am a writer and it's my passion, I talk about this passion, I express my devotion to it and my dreams surrounding it but very, very rarely does anyone seem to take interest in this part of me. I find that people usually hone directly in on the things that I like that they do too, and since they like them very much they assume I feel exactly the same, even though all I might have said was "Yeah, that band/movie/artwork is really good!".

I also think perhaps it has something to do with HOW I express myself. I'm pretty straightforward and tend to paint complete pictures that include a beginning, middle, and end (resolution). I think perhaps it comes off like it's so resolved and I've made up my mind about it, so it requires no further attention or consideration, if that makes any kind of sense. I am also crap at asking for help or advice since I think so much and people rarely have things to tell me that I haven't thought of already, so I guess I forge some distance myself in that respect.

When it comes to people latching on to me, I think it might just be that I have a knack for bouncing back what someone has told me in the context of THEIR own point of view, insomuch that they mistake it for being MY point of view. I don't mean to do it, I try to choose words carefully by saying "So it's like you feel ________" or "So for you, it is like ______" but it stills seems to be mistaken for "OMG! You and I are SO ALIKE!!". I am also keenly aware of letting people know I am genuinely interested in what they're saying, that I'm listening and hence I validate them and for some I think this has some kind of narcotic effect, lol. Then they come back for more and more. I've had a lot of bad relationships where I did not exist outside of being a vessel for the other person's self validation and it was not good times.

I'm still trying to eek out ways to connect with folks better while still being able to exist as a person unto myself, but it's hard as I am so apt to take journeys into the heads of others to see what is there.
 

JocktheMotie

Habitual Fi LineStepper
Joined
Nov 20, 2008
Messages
8,491
I've always thought NFJs parcel out information about them in a very controlled manner, so it's really no surprise that they'd be slightly mischaracterized at times. I suppose it is up to you to make sure what is given is an accurate representation of yourself, however people will always make erroneous assumptions or interpret things differently. For example, you may share something because you think it is safe and you have personally resolved it within yourself, however someone may take that as an expression of a wound that still hurts and is something of a sensitive topic. As much as you can control the information you give out, sometimes it's tough to make sure everyone has the same interpretation of said information.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
MBTI Type
INFJ
I identified with tons of what Gloriana said. I think that people are inherently much more interested in themselves and so if they have a certain idea, or if they feel they share more in common with you in a certain aspect, they'll take it and run with it, to the exclusion of asking about the things that may really be important. This is really made worse by the fact that we are curious to know what makes people tick and often have seen enough types and talked to them enough that with some guiding facts we can often figure out a lot of the rest with new people we meet. People mistake it for us having the same perspectives and thought processes. In addition, because we don't usually dismiss people right away even if we disagree with their ideas, people often assume we agree with them. This appears to be because some types are much more quick to state either aloud or in an unspoken way that the person is not welcome to continue or won't be tolerated if they express certain thoughts, values, or preferences. I guess some of it is just some of the negative fallout of some traits we have that are largely positive. However, it would be nice sometimes if people followed up on the things about us that we actually do care about. Perhaps maybe we need to change somewhat how we interact for this to happen, or else reconcile ourselves to it being unlikely!
 

MFJAGgernaut-B

New member
Joined
Jul 31, 2009
Messages
74
MBTI Type
INFP
I don't get anything on drinking, but I do apparently give off misconceptions of myself to other people. Like after talking about a recent kickass PS3 game, I'll get someone asking me if I have a PS3. Prompting a short pause and a rather dejected "no."

So far Batman: Arkham Asylum has been my worst offender in this regard.
 

cascadeco

New member
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Oct 7, 2007
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9,083
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9w1
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sp/sx
I identified with tons of what Gloriana said. I think that people are inherently much more interested in themselves and so if they have a certain idea, or if they feel they share more in common with you in a certain aspect, they'll take it and run with it, to the exclusion of asking about the things that may really be important. This is really made worse by the fact that we are curious to know what makes people tick and often have seen enough types and talked to them enough that with some guiding facts we can often figure out a lot of the rest with new people we meet. People mistake it for us having the same perspectives and thought processes. In addition, because we don't usually dismiss people right away even if we disagree with their ideas, people often assume we agree with them. This appears to be because some types are much more quick to state either aloud or in an unspoken way that the person is not welcome to continue or won't be tolerated if they express certain thoughts, values, or preferences. I guess some of it is just some of the negative fallout of some traits we have that are largely positive. However, it would be nice sometimes if people followed up on the things about us that we actually do care about. Perhaps maybe we need to change somewhat how we interact for this to happen, or else reconcile ourselves to it being unlikely!

I agree w/ the bolded!
 

fill

"Everything in its place"
Joined
Jun 28, 2009
Messages
507
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entp
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753
I'm really not sure about knowing me, and I really don't care if somebody knows a lot about me or not.

I care more that people understand me. And nobody really does. So, no, I guess you can't know me.
 

entropie

Permabanned
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Apr 24, 2008
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Yea my INFJ keeps calling me her little manipulative gangster and she will never know that she herself is queen deception :D.

I wont even dare to think about that matter any further, cause it just will make me sad :D
 

Ulaes

loopy
Joined
Jan 11, 2009
Messages
850
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crak
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sax
This is because the two share Fe/Ti. When you have the same judgment styles, you tend to have similar values.

i meant maybe he/she had mistyped someone as intp or didn't wholly understand the situation. i alwasy feel connected with nfjs.
 
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