INFJs hold their passions dearly, and wouldn't want them to be up for others to scrutinize. Also, an INFJ may never speak about themselves unless asked, so a person who rarely inquires will know little to nothing about the INFJ's true thoughts. People assume INFJs are more uptight than they are because they present a "no nonsense" face to the world at large.
I have very tough criteria for someone being named BFF (or so it seems, since I've rarely called someone that).
Thank you for this - I think all of what you have said rings true for me. I do hide most of my beliefs from everyone - I just feel like they are private, and I only have a few, really deep friendships and those are very long-standing. I'm much more comfortable just listening to people and learning about them than I am talking about myself, though in my close friendships, I often ask for my friends' take on things that I'm facing to check my perception.
Journey - I have a sister who is an INFX, and she is hard to know. I'm sorry for your loss - your sister sounds like a very special person.
Originally Posted by Sky is BLUE!
This always leaves me puzzled because they're so wrong, come on, you're supposed to know me by now.
I too let others believe what they want and I'm mostly amused by it but from time to time it gets frustrating because it always seems that I'm the one making more effort to sustain a friendship and care more about them than they do about me.
This captures how I feel about it - it's funny, but then it can feel really frustrating to me because it's isolating.
I often feel the way you are describing about more casual friendships, but I've started to realize that no one is asking me make all the effort. I'm more likely to let it go at this point if I start to feel that it's weighted really far in one direction.
Originally Posted by Synarch
Can anyone know anyone else? Can we know ourselves? What does it mean to know someone?
Knowledge is a lie about a lie.
I think it's a good point - perhaps it's more of an existential issue than a personality issue. Surely almost everyone has different layers of privacy - people who don't aren't safe or healthy in our society. But I do think there can be such a thing as being too guarded. I watch other people who are very extraverted or very confident or whatever, and it seems easy for them to be warm and open, and I really envy that. I don't think it takes most people years to have a truly close friendship either, but maybe the trade-off is in depth of relationships? I don't know. I think it's an interesting idea to explore.
Do you think that it's (a) I'm being like these other people in the thread and she's mildly annoyed with me or (b) she and I probably click enough that she is disappointed when there's an area that's lacking understanding.
choice b, with my intj at first i was upset about various little things that i thought she should completely get bc our Ni dom seemed to work so similarly. but later i realized the differences that upset me were mostly my own insecurities and wanting to be justified that everything i believed/was/am was and always will be right.
a little more social support and good feedback from others and you don't need god and truth and science on your side. a bigger picture helps too, how things fit together and a sense of belonging.
i like the mystic label for infjs. we have very deep and caring relationships with many people, some more than others. but in the end it feels like we want to go straight to the top, for the big kahuna, etc. i want total connection and the highest awareness, i want to dialogue with the largest piece of cognition/the pie that i can find.
in my experience we achieve the best overall connection with other dominant iNtuitives. we don't NECESSARILY care more about them than others, but we communicate much more ______ (/everything) and our relationships often grow as a result. i told my entp friend that i love talking to others to get new ideas, new impressions, new perspectives, new experience. but that when you talk to another dominant iNtuitive, it's like each of us are carrying around enough perspectives to feed a family of 100. when we share them, it's this weird exponential growth feeling.
we're information junkies bc that is our specialty. dominant perceivers. others are value junkies bc they store the goodness and badness they experience/touch. dominant judgers.
That happens all the time to me, although often in the opposite direction. I am conservatively religious and don't drink and since I am not openly judgemental of acquaintance friends that I am ot close to, they may even mistake me for an anarchist, hippy, vegan, free spirit, pot user, or whatever else they happen to be that I'm not.
Yeah. I'm an INFP and I have the same problem. Most people (because of my politics) think that I'm a vegan hippy (although I am a vegetarian), but they don't know that I'm deeply religious and don't smoke, drink, or swear. It always surprises people. Then, when they find out that I have some values they immediately assume I'm some naive church goer and they can't possibly have a conversation with me or relate to me at all. It's frustrating!
I can be a vegetarian church goer if I want.
On a serious note: I'm very hard to know, and I'm aware of it, and it bothers me, but nothing changes because living close to the surface frightens me. My sister know me very well because she's lived with me since our birth, but other than her, I don't think anyone fully knows me and that's not braggable.
I've found, at least as far as romantic relationships go, that the guy has to know me on SIGHT, little to no learning curve, instant "I see through you" x-ray vision, or I'll be able to hide from him.
Friends, they may know me pretty well or very well depending on our interests and closeness. I'd say that my best friends have seen 90% of "me". I endeavor to be more transparent, but it's extremely difficult and scary. Not to say I assume a facade, because I don't -- what you see is me, don't get me wrong -- but as to the things I consider hard to defend or indefensible, I bury that with a shovel and then bury the shovel.
eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
AIS Holland code