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  1. #1
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    Default Conversation dynamics

    I have two good friends and I find that I like them individually or with other groups of people, but they both irritate me when the three of us are together. Specifically, they irritate me when we're in conversation. They don't appear to include me in the conversation at all.

    I consulted two other friends on this subject to check out different perceptions. They both felt that individuals in question weren't effective at including other people into the group conversation.So, I took this back to the one of the two friends. (The friend smells like an E to me, but that's going to take me time to work on.) Her reply was, well the two of us always try to include you. We don't understand when you leave and we feel like we did something wrong.

    The thinking process began within my world and several conclusions occurred to me. Small talk is boring to me, but I don't think it's useless. In depth detailed conversations are more interesting to me. I'm theorizing that I become emotionally taxed when the three of us are together. Either, it's boring or I just retire to my room for other reasons.

    I value both these people quite a bit, but I would like to be able to hang out with them without wanting to leave. It appears that I have to work very hard to relate to them when they are together, but apart it's fine. I'd like to be able to process more on the issue, but I think I'm missing something. (And it's probably right in front of me because I live in my head.)

    What kind of dynamics are present here that I am missing? Why are they okay apart, but taxing together? (My reaction appears to be that I am bored and not feel included.) If you need additional information from me to help flesh out options, please feel free to ask whatever you need to know.
    Last edited by Oddly Refined; 07-26-2009 at 12:06 PM. Reason: grammar!

  2. #2
    triple nerd score poppy's Avatar
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    Do you only have this problem with these two individuals? Personally I find that in group conversations with extroverts I am sometimes overlooked, and subsequently I lose interest and walk away. Ah, so basically I've been in that situation but I'm not sure that I can be any help with your question of why this happens.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by poppy View Post
    Do you only have this problem with these two individuals? Personally I find that in group conversations with extroverts I am sometimes overlooked, and subsequently I lose interest and walk away. Ah, so basically I've been in that situation but I'm not sure that I can be any help with your question of why this happens.
    As far as I can tell, yes. I do okay at parties and other group functions. I've learned to ask questions and wait for replies. I enjoy working on teams and done well participating/leading teams. Maybe I should worry less about why and more about how. That would at least solve the interaction issue or make myself more aware of it.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Coeur's Avatar
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    If you feel left out, you have to make all the effort to reach out to them. That can be taxing, especially if you're talking about something you aren't interested in. I think that your friends need to be less inconsiderate.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coeur View Post
    If you feel left out, you have to make all the effort to reach out to them. That can be taxing, especially if you're talking about something you aren't interested in. I think that your friends need to be less inconsiderate.
    Thanks for the insight. I wish I could have come up with this! Although, I think I was leaning in that direction. It does go back to the long history of people having problems relating to me and I usually make a lot of the effort. And yeah, it's pretty draining after awhile.

  6. #6
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    If they're both extroverts, part of the problem may be that they are talking too quickly and you feel like you can't get what you want to say in before someone's jumped in or they've moved to another topic. It's kind of like formulating a big reply on here and posting it, only to discover that three people have posted in between and what you wrote now sounds kind of out of place. I find it draining to keep up with conversation like that and then my attention wanders. I'm not unhappy with them, so much as not necessary to the conversation. As soon as I become necessary or useful again, I jump in. I think that is also how it is for me in a lot of large group situations, except that I'm slowed down even more from running my response through several filters of who is there and how they interact and how I feel in response to that. It takes a lot out of me and so I find myself singling one or two people out to talk to at a time at parties. Not everyone likes that and so I only end up going to gatherings where I know there will be some people receptive to visiting in that way.

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