[INFJ] INFJs and odd people

[entropie]

INFJs are odd people.

Takes a real INFJ to know that, yes

 

[Intricate Mystic]

Yeah. I've seen two INFJs hang out together.

 

[Scott N Denver]

To tie into a similar thread: since INFP's can ahve this too, what differences do you see between when this happens ot INFP's and to INFJ's? Do we "attract" for different reasons? Do we usually respond in different ways?

Weird people don't cling to me, so I can't really contribute to the above questions.

 

[Fidelia]

I don't know enough about the INFP experiences with attracting odd people. I think for us it is something that must seem open in our faces or body language. I know we do put up with people for longer, and since we like to classify/sort/observe/figure out people, we probably allow them to talk to us initially out of our own curiosity. This is taken as a deep understanding of and receptivity to people who often are rejected by others.

Perhaps INFPs would be less likely to rebuff people out of dislike of conflict, where INFJs may put themselves in the other person's position so much that they could feel vividly (or think they could) how it could potentially make the other person feel badly and be reluctant to hurt them. INFPs are very willing to live and let live and take things as they come, so their easygoing tolerance would be appreciated. However, I don't know if they would feel any personal obligation to listen in the same way, which is why maybe weird people are less likely to remain clinging to you.

Do you have people wanting to pour out their life stories to you, or what do the odd people do when they get in contact with you?

How and when do you usually disengage yourself?

What sort of odd people are attracted to INFPs?

 

[Scott N Denver]

I don't know enough about the INFP experiences with attracting odd people. I think for us it is something that must seem open in our faces or body language. I know we do put up with people for longer, and since we like to classify/sort/observe/figure out people, we probably allow them to talk to us initially out of our own curiosity. This is taken as a deep understanding of and receptivity to people who often are rejected by others.

Perhaps INFPs would be less likely to rebuff people out of dislike of conflict, where INFJs may put themselves in the other person's position so much that they could feel vividly (or think they could) how it could potentially make the other person feel badly and be reluctant to hurt them. INFPs are very willing to live and let live and take things as they come, so their easygoing tolerance would be appreciated. However, I don't know if they would feel any personal obligation to listen in the same way, which is why maybe weird people are less likely to remain clinging to you.

Do you have people wanting to pour out their life stories to you, or what do the odd people do when they get in contact with you?

How and when do you usually disengage yourself?

What sort of odd people are attracted to INFPs?

People have told me their life stories, but its usually because I started asking them questions and they could tell I was genuinely interested and then there life story came out. Random people in check out lines dont tell me their life story.

I've had plenty of people share less-than-flattering details of their life, but almost never "I hate the world and want to kill people" stories. The latter category does NOT receive a compassionate audience form Scott N Denver. Its one of the few times that I will get moralistic and basically let someone know how screwed up they are and how there bad choices led them to their current screwed up conditions. Other people, they can tell I'm not too judgemental or whatever, so they'll talk about alcoholic family members, or personal drug abuse, or how there never-well-behaved son is now in jail for selling drugs, stuff like that.

I don't normally need ot disengage because people's stories involve their life or a close relations life, and those stories naturally come to an end. When "strange" people tell me something, I usually say something like "I'm sorry things worked out that way" or the like, and usually they quit talking and walk away shortly after that. No really long stories from those people.

We are willing to listen, and seen to have gentle easy-going accepting vibes [I think INFJ's have more off patient insightful "I enjoy learning about screwed up people" vibes [Ni]]. If someone wants a shoulder to cry on they probably come to us. IME experience really strange people don't want a shoulder to cry on, they want someone to listen to how others fucked them up and then to verbally support their assertions that others fucked them over and the crazy person had *nothing* to do with it.

 

[statuesquechica]

In my experience, the people that have come up to me with their stories don't want verbal support to their assertions...they just wanted someone to listen. So I listened. When someone is reaching out why do we assume they are "screwed up" or "fucked up?" Can't they just be lonely? Why all of the condemnation?

 

[Scott N Denver]

In my experience, the people that have come up to me with their stories don't want verbal support to their assertions...they just wanted someone to listen. So I listened. When someone is reaching out why do we assume they are "screwed up" or "fucked up?" Can't they just be lonely? Why all of the condemnation?

Again, IME no one was that "odd" in a bad way came up to tell me their life story, they just wanted to talk about some bid deal to them situation where they felt others screwed them over and so now they wanted to take their revenge.

I listen to people. They don't get one of my very rare Scott N Denver motivational "you screwed up" talks until they start getting all emphatic that they did *nothing* wrong and others just screwed them over.

 

[tess2008]

Ya you got a talent there that's prolly why they call you the psych type.

You should tho try to develop that instead to brag about it.

wha? was that directed at me?
i was just sharing.

 

[Fidelia]

Yes, there is a point in cases like that at which I lose patience and will point out what is really going on.

However, I find that the level of oddness I encounter usually just involves people pouring out their life story without provocation and without really looking for more than an audience. It's difficult to find a point at which to get away once they have begun, especially because they seem afraid that you will do just that so don't leave many pauses for interjection. If I think they are harmless, but tiresome, I let them talk on until a set time when I will interrupt and excuse myself. If they are harmless and I think they are entertaining/interesting/thought-provoking, I'll hear them out. If they are invasive and make me feel uncomfortable in any way, I will be very direct and not allow them to continue.

 

[amelie]

In my experience, the people that have come up to me with their stories don't want verbal support to their assertions...they just wanted someone to listen. So I listened. When someone is reaching out why do we assume they are "screwed up" or "fucked up?" Can't they just be lonely? Why all of the condemnation?

I often listen, too, but I've gotten a lot better about shutting it down and saving my resources for people close to me, but it depends on the situation. Don't you find it draining?

But when someone randomly comes up and starts talking about something very personal, it indicates to me that they are either a) so overwhelmed with all the demands in their life currently that they are leaking stress and emotion everywhere or b) lacking in appropriate social boundaries or c) both. Any of those options are huge red flags. If a) appears to be the case, I'm more supportive than if it appears to be option b. For example, I once had a woman come up to me in a grocery store and say she was looking for sunglasses to wear to her mother's funeral, and then proceeded to tell me about her mother's death and their relationship and on and on and on. I stood there for a good 15 minutes listening while she cried. Another time, at Wal-mart, a man came up to me trying to "save my soul." That one, I shut down very quickly.

 

[statuesquechica]

^yes, I agree you have to practice healthy boundaries (emotionally) first and foremost to preserve your own state of mind, and you have to be alert to red flags, I guess that is where N kicks in.

 

[lillyofthevalley]

In my experience, the people that have come up to me with their stories don't want verbal support to their assertions...they just wanted someone to listen. So I listened. When someone is reaching out why do we assume they are "screwed up" or "fucked up?" Can't they just be lonely? Why all of the condemnation?

Obviously, not all people are 'screwed up', most of them sense that we are patient and empathic and need someone to listen. It's just that the very strange ones are the ones we remember most.

I'm a manager of a furniture store so I come into contact with lots of people. One minute I'm talking about furniture, the next I'm hearing how the wife took off with all the furniture in his house, he's dating someone new...blah blah blah, or I hear about every ailment someone has and how many trips to the doctor's they've been to. I've had men tell me of their sexual exploits. Women tell me how they kicked their husbands to the curb. On several occasions, I've had people go into comedy routines (those are the fun ones.) Some of them tell me stories about their loved ones dying...these make me fight back the tears. I aught to keep a journal of the stories I hear and write a book about it, you wouldn't believe how many stories I hear. Last night I had to tell one guy that, unless he was there to buy furniture he would have to leave, this guy has been coming in to the store for 3 days, he's brain damaged, on drugs, God knows what. I remember one time my BF and I were at a table in a bar and when my BF went to get us a beer, this guy came and sat next to me to tell me he was obsessed with writing music, he seemed kind of tortured about it and wanted my opinion as to what to do about it, I told him that if he's obsessed he should write but that he should compartmentalize it so that it doesn't interfere with other normal activities. He was so relieved to hear that from me, my BF came back and said 'who was that?'...LOL. It's the people who corner me at gatherings that bother me most because it's hard to get away. On the 4th of July I had a man who works at the jail just start blabbing about stuff, I had to make an excuse to get away. Children share with me, or if they're shy they just come close and smile up at me. Babies flirt with me. These are the moments I like the best.

 

[lillyofthevalley]

So now that we've agreed that there are a number of us who odd people pick: do you think you encourage it in some way? And if you don't, what is it about you that makes you approachable? Why do you think people pick you? Have any of you gone from being frequently approached to not approached? What is responsible for that?

I don't know what it is. The strange thing is that they are the flip side to how I am. I don't share with strangers (except with anonymity like this), everything about me is my business.

I'm the one who gets misunderstood as being stuck up or something because I don't mingle, I'm the one who's likely sitting on the edge observing. Small talk is only interesting for about 10 minutes so I don't chit chat much and most of the talking that everyone else is doing is about whatever. I am always a little bit surprised how much fun everyone else is having when they're laughing and talking about pretty much nothing. I think with everyone else, it's about the human contact and it doesn't take much to enjoy the time spent with others. But with me, I'm torn with wanting to be around people but at the same time I don't feel like I fit in with most of them. I do enjoy people but too much contact wears me down.

 

[SilkRoad]

I have noticed that many INFJs seem to draw odd people to them. This doesn't seem to just be an sexual attraction thing, because they can be male or female. However, if the odd person on the bus is going to talk to someone, you can bet it'll be the INFJ who is minding their own business and not even making eye contact.

This has happened to me while reading a magazine in Costco (by the end of the conversation the very unconventionally dressed older lady who approached me to compliment my purse had drawn me a map of her house and invited me, told me her thoughts on love, and discussed her three husbands without pause. This used to happen all the time during university and also while busking, which are more understandable venues. In later years it has happened less.

I know that INFJs tend to be less immediate judgemental, are painfully aware of being rude to others (even when justified), and have something about them that seems sympathetic.

Yes, absolutely, this has happened to me. The thing about being on the bus minding your own business and then someone pours their heart out to you, you nod along and make a few comments and then they tell you they feel so much better. More or less. It doesn't exactly happen to me all the time, but there have been a few random incidents like that which left me feeling "whaaaaaaa?" afterwards. A bit shocked, but kinda warm and fuzzy too.

I tend to think we do give a strangely sympathetic vibe that certain people pick up on, and also as you say, I have a very hard time being rude and telling people to get lost. Which of course can cause problems sometimes, but although these random incidents in my life felt weird at the time, it's really a nice feeling later when you realise that an odd person's day was a little bit better because of you.

By the way, Fidelia, I always really enjoy reading your posts. They're very eloquent and spot on.

 

[jaku]

is it too far fetched to suggest that, perhaps, those with certain 'disorders' or 'social issues' are actually people just like us who weren't able to come out on top after a seriously intense test of self-preservation our societies have let fall upon them?

i think sometimes i feel like if i keep on with it i might actually work backwards far enough into this mind to come to a conclusion will leave me with the tools to actually fix this indiviual's problem and reassimilate them into society?

i am weird i know

maybe we know this could happen to us if we don't watch our backs because there are things out there to get us. by talking with these individuals we can maybe even learn what it is we can avoid later. because past events are very often repeated.

also could it be taht someone calling an infj psychic really just observing the ever-changing end result of consistent pattern-system hunting?

 

[lillyofthevalley]

is it too far fetched to suggest that, perhaps, those with certain 'disorders' or 'social issues' are actually people just like us who weren't able to come out on top after a seriously intense test of self-preservation our societies have let fall upon them?

i think sometimes i feel like if i keep on with it i might actually work backwards far enough into this mind to come to a conclusion will leave me with the tools to actually fix this indiviual's problem and reassimilate them into society?

It's a noble thought to try to help these people. After getting to know them, perhaps they aren't that strange. The biggest fear I have is that they will somehow attach themselves to me, then I'm in a difficult position because now I have all the sympathy in the world for them but they're bleeding me dry, how can I run away knowing I'm the one person they count on to be their friend? I'm just as afraid of that as the possibility of them being dangerous.

 

[Fidelia]

It's akin to a person who likes you whom you don't know well enough yet to decide whether you want to go on a date. If the stakes seem too high for them and it matters a lot, you are more likely to decline. If it doesn't matter so much, you'd be more likely to give it a chance, knowing that they'll be okay if you are not interested after all.

I've been involved with a couple of quite functional mentally handicapped people who did not have a very big world and I became too important a part of their lives. They were very upset if I could not spend more and more time with them and became very jealous of any other people who talked to me. I had to back away, knowing that it was better for them.

As far as odd people who randomly approach me, I don't think that I can provide what they need in our short interaction and I'm not willing to invest myself in regular interactions when I know very little about them and they lack either judgement or usual social boundaries. I feel I can help some by listening for a little bit, and then go on. If I hope to help someone with their problems, I need to know them well enough to assess whether it can be done or not and whether I'm able to be in it for the long haul. Usually they need to possess some of the foundational skills of relating to others and just need some support or guidance. Otherwise, they need more extensive, professional help, which I am not able to offer. I think it's possible to care for others, but conserve the energy and effort of helping for the people and places where it can be most effectively used.

For example, during my five years on living on an Indian reserve, I had the opportunity to try to make a difference. In some cases I was able to. In others, there were so many problems, and I had so little influence that I couldn't impact the person's life. I needed to satisfy myself that I had tried all the ways I knew how to prepare my students, impact them for good, and try to change the community and school system for the better while appreciating the good that I could find. At the end of five years, I concluded that I had gleaned many useful ideas, had a chance to observe much, and I became a better teacher. However, I was not impacting enough people for the amount of effort being expended and decided that I would move and try to affect the educational system in a broader sense where I had more opportunity to influence.

 

[statuesquechica]

For example, during my five years on living on an Indian reserve, I had the opportunity to try to make a difference. In some cases I was able to. In others, there were so many problems, and I had so little influence that I couldn't impact the person's life. I needed to satisfy myself that I had tried all the ways I knew how to prepare my students, impact them for good, and try to change the community and school system for the better while appreciating the good that I could find. At the end of five years, I concluded that I had gleaned many useful ideas, had a chance to observe much, and I became a better teacher. However, I was not impacting enough people for the amount of effort being expended and decided that I would move and try to affect the educational system in a broader sense where I had more opportunity to influence.

Hmm, very similar experience to my own when I taught in a rural school district. I also eventually felt the need to look at educational changes systemically, looking at the proverbial "Big Picture." Thanks for sharing that.

 

[Fidelia]

That's interesting! I think that I needed five years to exhaust all of the possibilities and satisfy myself that what I wanted to do could not be done due to the factors that were out of my control.

 

[Saslou]

I am curious. Many NFJ's have experienced this. Could it possibly be an FJ's thing.

The amount of people that have started with a 'oh, thats nice' to hearing their life story, well i just assume i am very approachable.

I don't think they are odd though. I love those moments of interactions. I hear their life story then we part. How cool is that.