[INFJ] INFJ communication pitfalls with other types

[Fidelia]

Every type has its most common difficulties in relating to other types.* Common issues that have come up for people relating to INFJs since I've been on the forum have included:

- tendancy to be slow to open up
- showing different sides of self depending on what person the INFJ is relating to.
- indecisiveness
- overanalyzing when dating another type that is also watching them for cues (eg Evan's INFJ/INFJ thread)
- processing time is needed, and issues may need to be revisited several times before they are resolved
- seeming very strong emotionally and then very unexpectedly exploding or crumbling into tears when things get to be too much, which blindsides the other person who didn't see it coming

I have also observed some other issues, but would be interested in knowing what those of you who have related to INFJs have found.

Please state your type and also what you wish the INFJ would do about it to make things work better. (Tells us something about where our differences are in outlook).

 

[Udog]

Not being clear when you just need to express your feelings, and only wish for someone to listen.

I constantly assumed that my INFJ friends would talk about their problems for a) a listening ear and b) a need to figure out what to do about it. I only figured out much later that when I would start doing b) it hurt them.

 

[Fidelia]

I think it's because it doesn't occur to us that others don't realize that. I had no idea at first that when my ESTJ boyfriend brought up something he had been considering doing, that he was really asking my advice either!

Would you just say, "I had a rotten day and I just want you to listen without offering solutions and then give me a hug and I'll feel much better at the end, I promise"?

 

[Usehername]

The only communication issue I've had with the only (healthy) INFJ I know is that we have so much in common already, that we project things into each other in those few areas where we are dissimilar.

(I should state that IRL I tend to become very NFJ-y around certain types of people, so I am not a protypical INTJ.) I'd say dealing with conflict or addressing criticism is the greatest area for improvement.

The best example I can think of is with an ENFJ prof but it's the same principle: I specifically asked her to be more critical than she usually would with her comments while marking my papers, and she was like I know what it's like to be a student, no one wants to hear how they suck and you're a really strong student so I'm not going to do it.

Everyone has room to grow; she has read thousands upon thousands more pages than I have in the field and has far greater abilities to see nuances in my writing, and she's highly intelligent and insightful.

I perceived this as an opportunity to really grill down and grow, and wanted her to set high expectations for me, because I knew I could learn a lot from her. She was like wtf? you're a strong student no way am I giving more criticism than I am supposed to.

Constructive criticism, when asked for, is a high compliment to the NFJ being asked--it means we really value your perspective. And not feeding us with that data is hella annoying.

 

[Fidelia]

Thank you. I think I'd do it if I thought they really wanted to hear. However, if an F type says it (depends on the person), sometimes they think they can take it and then they get mad, especially if it's something near and dear to their heart.

 

[Colors]

Boy, I've had clashes with some unpleasant INFJs: passive-aggressive emotional manipulation. If you want something/feel hurt by something, own up to it! These people had a need to control their surroundings, but were never direct in communicating their intentions. So instead I'd get non-subtle emotional cues- forcing their emotional states upon others.

 

[Udog]

Would you just say, "I had a rotten day and I just want you to listen without offering solutions and then give me a hug and I'll feel much better at the end, I promise"?

Actually, I think that I would have felt like a million bucks if they just asked me to listen and let me know that by doing so I'm helping them deal with the problem. I would have felt like I was helping, and I also would have known that they are processing and dealing with the issue in the way that's best for them.

Without that context, it just seemed like complaining and redirecting on me.

 

[Fidelia]

Thank you, I'll continue to keep that in mind! Yes, it seems we need to bleed off the emotional excess we're feeling and then we can get on with solving the problem. When people close to us don't listen or it feels like they're siding with someone else before we've moved on to solving, it just adds a bunch of extra emotion to get rid of first and delays everything. I think though that your advice and suggestions (as long as it's a back and forth discussion) are helpful and appreciated once the initial venting is done with. I have experienced being on the other side of the venting though and know that sometimes it is easy to wish the other person to hurry up and be done with it already, especially if it seems like they are focussing on it an unreasonable amount.

 

[Fidelia]

Colors - what type are you? Can you give any examples? I suspect that what seems passive-aggressive sometimes can be a belief that we're giving off obvious signals that aren't being picked up on or that we're trying to choke down our squiffiness internally and we're not good enough at hiding our true feelings about whatever it is.

On the other hand, there are certainly immature INFJs as well as moments of immaturity for anyone which results in bad or ill-advised behaviour. I'm interested in what kinds of things are perceived as passive-aggressively forcing our emotional states on others though...

 

[Fidelia]

Anything else?

 

[fill]

I've discussed these issues on the forum before, and I think my main problem is that my intentions are very much so for everyone else, which can be easily confused with some sort of selfish agenda. I've always believed the world could use a little less conflict, so unless I know the person that has hurt me quite well (family, close friends), I won't express my dissatisfaction. I've always felt uncomfortable with bluntly expressing what I want/need because I a) consider myself a self-sufficient person, and b) feel as if I'm putting others at a disadvantage for my own needs, which is what I am completely against doing.

 

[Fidelia]

Other types! Anything you could tell me would be useful. I am interested for several reasons, but one is that I am a teacher and have to interact with a wide variety of types every day. Help me out!!!

 

[BlackCat]

My issues with INFJs generally branch from the fact that you guys seem to have this very fine tuned system of the the world (as you see it) works. Anything outside of this is foreign or strange, and generally not understood. As a result with a lot of INFJ interactions it seems like the most obvious stuff is being missed, like cues and such. The things that you miss seem to be outside of this system of understanding within you.

This just seems to lead to a lot of annoying moments and totally missed points, and thus misunderstanding. If this is taken to the next level of bad, INFJs I've encountered on the net and IRL just simply won't accept anyone else's points of views because they don't make sense to them and how it fits into their system of how the universe works.

I'd say work on those issues if you want to get over the pitfalls. I don't understand how it's so difficult to accept that things are different than what you perceive...

 

[Lauren Ashley]

^Elaborate? Examples?

 

[JocktheMotie]

Only met a few INFJs, also have a sneaking suspicion my childhood best friend was an INFJ, and obviously conversationally we did well.

My more recent confrontations have all been in groups, so I never really notice any problems, since if there's something wrong there's always somebody else to pick up the slack. If I ever got one 1v1, any pitfall there would most likely be my fault, since I'm terribly one on one conversationally.

 

[Fidelia]

I think it comes, Blackcat, from the way we work at acquiring knowledge and understanding the world. We tend to pick a chunk of stuff we want to know about, then hone in for fine detail and learn everything we can. There's a whole framework there and huge amount of detail filled in. If new information comes to light that doesn't fit, we are not convinced at first that you have put as much thought into that little chunk as us and also it requires reorganizing everything, so we won't do it unless we're sure it's warranted. I think other people go for a more general understanding of a wider amount of topics first and so are more flexible about amending them. I was surprised to find out at first that some people just like expressing an opinion as their own to see how others will react or if anything sticks from what they throw out there.

I am pretty open to people thinking what they like, but as far as me accepting those things myself or trying them, most things work on a delayed reaction after considerable thought and for most S types, I've found that's too late. We need lots of discussion before we feel okay about it.

One thing I have to develop is being more open to new ideas and not dismissing them too quickly, particularly in areas that I care a lot about.

Can you be more specific re: missed cues, annoying moments etc? Thanks a million!

 

[BlackCat]

Well that was more of a rant than anything, being frustrated by a few INFJs I've attempted to help and some that I've gotten to know and have spoken to. It just seems like when I have a discussion about a common topic sometimes they are so closed into their own points of view that it seems unreal to me. The INFJs that I've been frustrated with have been pretty bad examples though IMO.

Yep, not saying that it's universal, just try to not be too insane and be more open minded to new ideas. Those are the only REAL issues I've seen. With my best friend (INFJ) I've never had these issues, he's been open to the new possibilities on the issues he's delved into (sort of slowly though, as you're explaining it takes reorganizing).

What pitfalls have you experienced specifically with communication? As in, what was your reason behind creating this thread? What sparked the idea?

 

[Lauren Ashley]

Well that was more of a rant than anything, being frustrated by a few INFJs I've attempted to help and some that I've gotten to know and have spoken to. It just seems like when I have a discussion about a common topic sometimes they are so closed into their own points of view that it seems unreal to me. The INFJs that I've been frustrated with have been pretty bad examples though IMO.

Yep, not saying that it's universal, just try to not be too insane and be more open minded to new ideas.

What seems like closed to you is "Thinking about this but will not accept it until I have made sure it is, in fact, correct" in the mind of the INFJ.

 

[Skyward]

I think it comes, Blackcat, from the way we work at acquiring knowledge and understanding the world. We tend to pick a chunk of stuff we want to know about, then hone in for fine detail and learn everything we can. There's a whole framework there and huge amount of detail filled in. If new information comes to light that doesn't fit, we are not convinced at first that you have put as much thought into that little chunk as us and also it requires reorganizing everything, so we won't do it unless we're sure it's warranted. I think other people go for a more general understanding of a wider amount of topics first and so are more flexible about amending them. I was surprised to find out at first that some people just like expressing an opinion as their own to see how others will react or if anything sticks from what they throw out there.

I am pretty open to people thinking what they like, but as far as me accepting those things myself or trying them, most things work on a delayed reaction after considerable thought and for most S types, I've found that's too late. We need lots of discussion before we feel okay about it.

One thing I have to develop is being more open to new ideas and not dismissing them too quickly, particularly in areas that I care a lot about.

Can you be more specific re: missed cues, annoying moments etc? Thanks a million!

I definitely agree. For me, a lot of what I know is basically book knowledge that has been honed and shaped with other pieces of information (Ni/Ti tandem). When something blindsides me or is out of my 'expertise' I wall up and dwell on it until I feel knowledgeable enough about it to move forward. I fear mistakes, at least, ones I didn't notice until after the fact, ESPECIALLY when someone else points it out.

It doesn't matter if they're doing it respectfully either; I get a build of angsty-type turmoil that implodes and I hate myself for a while because of it. I think this is why I focus so much attention on one topic because I REALLY hate to make mistakes. I reject 'alien information' right away, and keep it at an arms reach until I'm comfortable with it. I do this with people especially; if at first I'm very cautious of you, it's because you're a big question mark that needs a little bit more analyzing to see what you're about.

As an introvert, yes I will definitely miss queues. I only care about the real world insofar that I learn enough to protect myself from many of it's dangers. After that, most of the subtleties of the real world are over my head. Since I don't find such things interesting, I don't study them and turn them into one of my topics.

What seems like closed to you is "Thinking about this but will not accept it until I have made sure it is, in fact, correct" in the mind of the INFJ.

Yes! It's self defense, really. Self defense against our self, which is basically a civil war, and the outside world, which is the aliens invading (and feels that way too! )


Also, Jack Flak (as much as I don't really like him) had a simple way of putting J and P: J focuses on the output and P focuses on the input. A perceiver will keep it open because their mind seems like this: "Hey something new... let's check it out" while a J is more like this: "Oh no, something new, I really REALLY hope it doesn't throw my plans off..."

 

[fill]

What seems like closed to you is "Thinking about this but will not accept it until I have made sure it is, in fact, correct" in the mind of the INFJ.

Spot on.