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  1. #1
    Senior Member thescientist's Avatar
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    Unhappy INTJ trying to understand an ENFP's actions

    So I've been hanging out with an ENFP coworker and we've been on a few dates. On our third or fourth date we kissed (he initiated). After that we've kissed on a few other occassions at work/after work.

    We see each other at work all the time since he sits in the same row as me.

    It's been about 3 weeks since our last date. He stopped texting me and hasnt asked me out again. He continued flirting with me at work from time to time. Other times he completely ignored me. He definitely compliments me a lot less than he use to. Needless to say I was feeling a bit led on by his flirtatiousness at work. It has become clear to me that he lost interest which is unfortunate since we had such a great time on our dates. But now things are extremely awkward at work.

    It's like I sense some animosity or bitterness from him. I'm trying to determine where it's coming from, or if I'm misjudging his actions. I've made many playfully sarcastic comments to him at work.

    For instance, today I jokingly said something along the lines of "so I heard you were the LVP of the volley ball team, least valuable player". Then he bites back with an even more sarcastic and rude comment. But his sarcasm felt real, while mines was rather innocent. He basically said something along the lines of minding my own business and that he's having fun with the guys in the row at the moment. I just sensed the undertone was more than sarcasm.

    Anyhow..I leave work with a simple 'nite. And he doesnt even look at me. Just stares at his screen and says 'good nite'. This is coming from someone who would walk me to my car every evening after work. I dont care if he no longer walks me to my car, but his unfriendly demeanor just hurts, especially because I feel like he led me on.

    What is up with this ENFP? Could I have hurt his feelings?

    I'd like to talk to him and let him know that the awkwardness was just bothering me and just be honest with him. I just like to be on good terms with everyone. I hate the vibe between us now. It's awful. I don't know....I'm not trying to woo him back, I just want things to be normal again...being friends is fine with me. He's just so much fun to be around.

    ENFP's out there...what's your take on this? How should I deal with him? Will having a friendly talk with him just make things more awkward?

    --A very confused and slightly hurt [gasp] INTJ.
    Last edited by thescientist; 08-04-2009 at 06:53 PM.

  2. #2
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    i would just tell him exactly that. straight up honesty is always a good option.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  3. #3
    Retired Member Wonkavision's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    i would just tell him exactly that. straight up honesty is always a good option.
    I agree with Lady X.

    What else can you do?

    Regardless of how he may react, telling the truth is the best (if not, the only real) option.

  4. #4
    Senior Member thescientist's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wonkavision View Post
    I agree with Lady X.

    What else can you do?

    Regardless of how he may react, telling the truth is the best (if not, the only real) option.
    Some friends suggested just ignoring him seeing as he used me just for an ego boost while he was clearly uninterested.

    Are ENFP's vengeful? I dont know why I sense this from him. If I ignore him, it's almost like he'll try to ignore me twice as much or be unusually cold with me.

    i hate this....

  5. #5
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    no...well i'm not even a tiny bit vengeful but it's likely he misunderstood/misread something and is reacting to false intuition...it happens...clearing it up is a good idea.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  6. #6
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    It depends on how healthy and mature he is.

    One thing that is great for an ENFP (and anyone) is telling him very explicitly how you feel or asking him point blank, "What's going on? I enjoyed hanging out with you but I sense tension now. Is there something bothering you? I want to clear the air, especially since we work together."

    You can even do it over e-mail, that might even be a good way to start.

    If he's immature or what not, he may continue to act shady or weird. Seeing that you are INTJ - he may think that you rejected him or something.

    The best thing to do if he continues acting strange is to ignore him. Be polite but that's it.
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

    "I'm outtie 5000" ― Romulux

    Johari/Nohari

  7. #7
    Queen hunter Virtual ghost's Avatar
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    I don't want to be mean towards anyone but the fact is that ENFP sometimes simply do not act in a logical way (and they are even proud of it).
    So if you are trying to place him into a logical framework you could be making a mistake.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by thescientist View Post
    So I've been hanging out with an ENFP coworker and we've been on a few dates. On our third or fourth date we kissed (he initiated). After that we've kissed on a few other occassions at work/after work.

    We see each other at work all the time since he sits in the same row as me.

    It's been about 3 weeks since our last date. He stopped texting me and hasnt asked me out again. He continued flirting with me at work from time to time. Other times he completely ignored me.
    Ditto with everyone else who suggested talking to him, but I also wanted to ask for clarification purposes:

    What happened on that last date? Did you detect any coldness from him then? When did you start detecting that he was becoming emotionally withdrawn? If you think clearly and put yourself in his shoes, have you been not responsive and cold to his reaching out to you?

    You don't have to answer these questions here, but they might help you get a clear picture of what's going on.

    Without knowing the dude personally other than just that he's an ENFP, I think it could be a case of crossed signals. I don't think we take sarcasm from people we're interested in very well. Especially in the beginning stages of romance, it triggers an automatic "What's going on? Does this person still like me? Why are they being so mean?" I wonder if the LVP remark could trigger this with a man, especially if it was said in front of other people.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Scott N Denver's Avatar
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    I'm an INFP not an ENFP, but as one who has had many dealings with INTJ's, and INTJ women as well, let me just throw in that much about how an INTJ acts could be offensive or highly offensive to an NFP. Particularly really basic low level stuff done by INTJ's has often been offensive/offputting. I know that INTJ-ENFP seems to be a rather common pairing, so it can be done successfully, but from my experience and vantage point there is much about INTJ's that can be very offputting to an NFP, especially f-INTJ and m-ENFP.

    I don't know what happened in your particular instance, but I will say that I've often found INTJ sarcasm very offputting until about the 1000th or more time where I just quit taking it seriously at all and quit giving a ____. BUT it took me 1000 or more times to get there, and it still will piss me off if I'm not consciously thinking/remembering to not take it at all seriously.

  10. #10
    mountain surfing nomadic's Avatar
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    Yeah, it sounds like you probably did something rude, or kinda totally off putting that he either noticed or you thought was nothing big.

    something like, he heard you dated other guys at work and did the deed, or he heard you talked bad about him.

    either way, the best way would be to go up to him and ask in a sweet puppy dog eyed, "did I do something to make you mad at me?" otherwise, yeah, sounds like u did something to offend him and you went from a "potential that might be worth the workplace complications" to a "fling material that is not worth the workplace consequences". or he could have just recently gotten a girlfriend who is very good at keeping his mental attention at close bay.

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