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  1. #51
    Filthy Apes! Kalach's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thescientist View Post
    I wonder if talking about the issue is something that ENFP WOMEN welcome more than ENFP men...I'm just afraid of him pulling away even more if I start expressing my feelings about the tension. Any insight on discussing the issue when it comes to Male vs Female ENFPs? Would they both appreciate the honesty? Or will the ENFP man find it annoying and unnecessary to have the talk?
    Um... no idea, really. I have an ENFP buddy and we do guy talk sometimes, and I also know an ENFP female, but she's really young. The only obvious difference I get from them is the guy really likes to try and make strategies for dealing with his harem.

    Both of them really only make sense on any topic once they've (finally, after lots and lots and lots of waiting and accidents and sudden adventures) come to a strong position on what's right or wrong about the thing they're part of. Usually takes a long time.

    And that's really why (a) you have to talk to them directly, and (b) when you start getting frustrated, remember to back off a little because they have their own processes to go through, lengthy and full of redundancies though they are.

    Say it, get it out there, make it part of what's happening, back off for a while to go do some other work. FTW. IMO. ABC.

  2. #52
    Dhampyr Economica's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thescientist View Post
    I highly doubt he's in love with me or has deep feelings. Is there a possibility he is being cold with me because he's just not interested anymore? If he has lost interest, wouldnt approaching him about his aloofness come across as needy? If that's the case, should I make it clear that I'm fine with him not being interested, and that I just wanted to clear the air and make sure I didnt offend him?

    I just want to be careful about how I express myself this time around
    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    I'd say he's going to keep denying it till you level the playing field. No clue if you're up for that though, coz it means trusting him with some of your insecurities/vulnerabilities/feelings so he feels that what you know about him is matched by what he knows about you. It creates a special bond of trust.
    +1.

    It sounds to me like you're interested in him and scared to death of showing it without being 100% sure that he is just as interested in you. Here's the thing though: Love involves risks. You have to be willing to face rejection unless you are prepared to settle for someone so far beneath you that there is essentially no risk of it.

    He's already gone out on a limb by asking you out and kissing you, and even though on some level he probably knows that you like him since you accepted and kissed him back, he's been confused and/or turned off by the torrent of abuse it sounds like you've simultaneously sent his way.

    My advice would be to 1) immediately discontinue the sarcasm and 2) be open and honest about how you feel towards him. You must acknowledge your weakness for him and resist your urge to deprecate him to make up for it. If you're not dying inside and visibly imploding from anxious embarrassment, you're not doing it right. Judging by the information you have given in this thread, I'd say the odds are great that he will be endeared to you and give you another chance if you do get it right.

    And if he does give you another chance, be sure to treat him right this time around. Tip: Shower him with physical affection to make up for your deficiencies in the verbal department.

    This is 7 years of female INTJ/male ENFP experience talking, by the way. The relationship soured for a variety of reasons, but for the first few years it was a carefree growth experience. Enjoy!

  3. #53
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thescientist View Post
    I wonder if talking about the issue is something that ENFP WOMEN welcome more than ENFP men...I'm just afraid of him pulling away even more if I start expressing my feelings about the tension. Any insight on discussing the issue when it comes to Male vs Female ENFPs? Would they both appreciate the honesty? Or will the ENFP man find it annoying and unnecessary to have the talk?


    I was definitely consistently sarcastic...but most of the sarcasm has been a friendly stab at HIM, whether they were true or not.

    I doubt an ENFP male would find it unnecessary to talk *looks at her male brethren...right?*

    Make sure you do this somewhere where he can be himself though, so he doesn't lose face by fessing up what's going on. Also, I'd recommend with starting with:

    "Look, I'm not really good at all this sensitive stuff, so I could use some help here, but I really do like you." This should give him back his confidence, and push his 'knight-in-shining-armour'-button.

    Then explain that you were being sarcastic and just messing about, and tell him why you did that! Tell him it's your way of dealing with the feelings he's stirred up in you, and that the fact that you do in fact look for contact with him, is your way of showing him that you actually like him.

    He might ask a couple of verifying questions still, but by this time he should be having a big grin from the flattery and completely defrosted, I'd say (unless he's one of those immature, jaded ones).

    Again...that means putting yourself emotionally at risk. And only you can decide if he's worth it. But it should clear the air..and potentially clear the way for more.

    I'll see Economica's 7 years and raise you 3. ENFP-INTJ is a very satisfying connection, if you can make it work and if both partners are mature enough to be appreciate each others differences.
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  4. #54
    Dhampyr Economica's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    I'd recommend with starting with:

    "Look, I'm not really good at all this sensitive stuff, so I could use some help here, but I really do like you." This should give him back his confidence, and push his 'knight-in-shining-armour'-button.

    Then explain that you were being sarcastic and just messing about, and tell him why you did that! Tell him it's your way of dealing with the feelings he's stirred up in you, and that the fact that you do in fact look for contact with him, is your way of showing him that you actually like him.

    He might ask a couple of verifying questions still, but by this time he should be having a big grin from the flattery and completely defrosted, I'd say (unless he's one of those immature, jaded ones).

    Again...that means putting yourself emotionally at risk.
    +1.

    Listen to the 17 years.

  5. #55
    Senior Member thescientist's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Economica View Post
    +1.

    Listen to the 17 years.
    Wow, that was inspiring to read. I really do hope it works out that way.

    It'll probably look something like this:

  6. #56
    Dhampyr Economica's Avatar
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    Good luck and be sure to let us know how it goes!

  7. #57
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    Yeah, good choice. Speak as he hasn't manned up to it. Make sure he understands that his mouth can be used for meaningful communication as well.
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

    INFP, 6w7, IEI

    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

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  8. #58
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    Quote Originally Posted by Economica View Post
    Love involves risks. You have to be willing to face rejection unless you are prepared to settle for someone so far beneath you that there is essentially no risk of it.

    ...

    My advice would be to 1) immediately discontinue the sarcasm and 2) be open and honest about how you feel towards him. You must acknowledge your weakness for him and resist your urge to deprecate him to make up for it. If you're not dying inside and visibly imploding from anxious embarrassment, you're not doing it right.
    + 100

    There really needs to be a "rock star headbangin" emoticon, because I loved loved loved this post. Especially the very last bit. Ahh love.

  9. #59
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    THE MAIN IDEAS IN THIS THREAD ARE WRONG!

    Many a girl throw themselves at the ENFP boy, and the ENFP boy loses interest in many a girl. It happens every day.

    You must manipulate him in the coldest way to win his heart. First, reject him. This will drive him wild. Then, hold him between rejection and acceptance. He'll love it and will love you for it.

    This seems evil but really you're doing him a sadistic service that he'll find intensely pleasurable and that only the most worthy girl can deliver. He might just marry you.

    NOW GO FORTH AND CONQUER!

  10. #60
    Dhampyr Economica's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by supern View Post
    You must manipulate him in the coldest way to win his heart. First, reject him. This will drive him wild. Then, hold him between rejection and acceptance. He'll love it and will love you for it.

    This seems evil but really you're doing him a sadistic service that he'll find intensely pleasurable and that only the most worthy girl can deliver. He might just marry you.
    Uh, she's INTJ. The cold part of the hot/cold act is second nature, as she has demonstrated. The problem would seem to be that she took it too far.

    (I don't necessarily accept your premise, btw. I'm just going with it.)

    Edit: I just saw that you're brand new to the board. Welcome! A word of advice from a regular: You might want to tweak the "you're all wrong, AND WHAT I HAVE TO SAY IS SO IMPORTANT THAT I GET TO POST IN ALL CAPS" approach.

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