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  1. #151
    Senior Member thescientist's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kalach View Post
    Hey, Scientist?

    I'm trying to think of a message here. Something about this many people getting invested in advising you might seem a bit like a lot of pressure. I know I've chosen polarised language in some of my posts, too. But I'd also like to say that whatever else, tomorrow is a new day.

    That sounded meaningful when I thought it. Maybe it lost some poetry in the typing.

    Aw thanks...I appreciate so much the people who have followed this thread and my story through. I really do...

    Quote Originally Posted by Economica View Post

    I think his actions sound very compatible with him liking you (if he's attracted to you physically (and he obviously is), then seriously, you've got great odds that he would like you very much indeed, INTJ-ENFP being the match that it is) but not thinking that (or being confused about whether) you like him back.
    If he really liked me, what's stopping him from contacting me? Or asking me out? At this point I am certain he is no longer interested and continues any flirtation at work solely to get a reaction from me to feed his ego.
    Quote Originally Posted by Economica View Post
    But your odds are so good that if you don't take this shot, I think you'll kick yourself when looking back someday.
    I'm having a hard time seeing how my odds are good right now.
    Quote Originally Posted by Economica View Post
    I suggest you try approaching him a few times with a heartfelt smile and a positive comment and see if his reaction isn't positive enough (even if he's initially wary) to give you the courage to take him aside and make yourself vulnerable to him by letting him know you really do like him.
    I think I'M the one who needs to be wary of him! I refuse to stroke his ego any further. If he really liked me, he would have demonstrated it somehow by now. Nothing stopped him from pursuing me when he was first interested right?

    @Economica I hope none of that sounded defensive or like I was dismissing your advice, because I do value the fact that you have real world experience with ENFP/INTJ. Just rationalizing it all. So please don't feel discouraged to post.

  2. #152
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Not to add to your confusion, but as the situation is right now, I'd emotionally detach a little, but still stay warm and friendly to him without stroking his ego. Don't seek him out, but also don't avoid him. I'd show myself open to his attention if he's willing to up the ante and prove he's worth it. Not having your full admiration and attention will make him work for it. Just make sure you reward him just enough to keep coming

    You're right, he is immature in some ways. But you like him. And he most likely likes you too. It's up to you to decide whether it's worth the emotional investment to check it out further.

    Whatever you decide, in your place, I'd try to understand where he comes from, smile at his immaturity (coz those are flaws that are in fact adorable often), but also not let him get away with it. It would limit your amount of emotional confusion, resentment, hurt feelings etc, protect you emotionally if you will, while keeping the option open. Much like you'd smile at a child trying to figure out how to manipulate you or get their way, without holding a grudge. I know it sounds condescending, but it could be just what he needs to grow. And he might be able to do the same for you.

    But I wouldn't get emotionally invested until he's shown the will and capacity to grow and invest in it himself.

    Good luck
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  3. #153
    Retired Member Wonkavision's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    Not to add to your confusion, but as the situation is right now, I'd emotionally detach a little, but still stay warm and friendly to him without stroking his ego. Don't seek him out, but also don't avoid him. I'd show myself open to his attention if he's willing to up the ante and prove he's worth it. Not having your full admiration and attention will make him work for it. Just make sure you reward him just enough to keep coming

    You're right, he is immature in some ways. But you like him. And he most likely likes you too. It's up to you to decide whether it's worth the emotional investment to check it out further.

    Whatever you decide, in your place, I'd try to understand where he comes from, smile at his immaturity (coz those are flaws that are in fact adorable often), but also not let him get away with it. It would limit your amount of emotional confusion, resentment, hurt feelings etc, protect you emotionally if you will, while keeping the option open. Much like you'd smile at a child trying to figure out how to manipulate you or get their way, without holding a grudge. I know it sounds condescending, but it could be just what he needs to grow. And he might be able to do the same for you.

    But I wouldn't get emotionally invested until he's shown the will and capacity to grow and invest in it himself.

    Good luck
    Yeah, that's good advice.
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  4. #154
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    Hey Scientist, btw - you are so funny, a true INTJ, making me come all the way over to this thread to comment more instead of in the 'flirting' thread!!!

    I think I already gave my advice in this thread, I remember your OP but I'll expand on it.

    Personally, whatever you do, commit to it, stick to it, and then fuh-get about it.

    And I am ALL about confrontation when someone in my life has wronged me or I am confused about their behavior (unless that someone is my neighbors, in which case, we are all at a very nice passive aggressive stalemate lol). Confrontation OR dropping them. No halfsies. Halfsies = death! It's very easy for me to disengage with someone once I know it's a dead end. (Of course, sometimes it's a hellish path to get to that point I no longer "care" enough to hold on)

    If he ever comes at you again in an aggressively flirtatious way or just plain comes onto you, ask to speak to him 1 on 1, take him aside, and then tell him very plainly:

    "Off the record, I don't like the way you handled our situation. I feel you were disrespectful. This kind of continued behavior is disrespectful. On the record, I have no hard feelings towards you but as far as I am concerned, our relationship is purely professional and ends there. I look forward to working well with you and that's it. I do not invite nor welcome any behavior or comments outside of a professional context. Stop flirting with me Thank you for respecting my wishes."

    And in general, be as polite and professional with him as you would with any random stranger.

    The whole "be nice and kill him with kindness"

    1) FUH-GET THAT. Waste of time and energy.
    2) You are INTJ!! OMG, the idea of an INTJ going out of their way to be really nice to someone so that someone doesn't think they are 'mean' or 'dislike them' makes me laugh hysterically on the inside. It's not you. Nor does it have to be.
    3) You have no obligation to this man anymore other than professional courtesy

    If he acts out or flirts with you aggressively again, take him aside one more time and say, "I was serious when I said our relationship is purely professional. Perhaps you are not aware of this, but I consider your last comment or that kind of behavior to be flirtatious and I do not appreciate it. Please treat me like your professional equal."

    Third time he gets out of line - slap a sexual harassment suit on his ass! Yeah! How's that for revenge a lesson? *

    I'm not kidding, I personally would NEVER tolerate this kind of behavior (aggressive flirting, mind games) from someone I worked with, regardless of whether or not I dated them. ESPECIALLY if I had ever dated them. Luckily for you, your HR department and the law protects you from this kind of distracting and unprofessional behavior.

    BTW, I speak from personal experience. I have TOTALLY called people out on bad behavior, flirting, etc. and then denying it. At the very least, people will respect you for it. And by respect, I mean adjust their behavior. The only fatal mistake here is that you have allowed him to think he can get away with all this. Show him that he can't.

    *that means document every time he flirts aggressively with you, the time and date and place when you told him to back off, and every infraction after that.
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

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  5. #155
    Senior Member thescientist's Avatar
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    For a continuation of my story see this thread.

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