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  1. #121
    Senior Member thescientist's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wonkavision View Post
    Well, I'm not sure I have much more to say about this.

    I will think about it though.
    It's okay...you can be honest, I wont be offended ...I'm psycho right?

    Or are you not saying anything because you've behaved similarly?

    Thanks for the hug though...I'll admit, male ENFP's are good at giving those.



    Sorry, posted this before I saw your other post.

  2. #122
    Senior Member thescientist's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lethe View Post
    - The ENFP may simply be acting as his charming self, not acknowledging how the other party perceives this behavior.
    Perhaps...but I can definitely sense when it's intentional.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lethe View Post
    - Perhaps a personal explanation will permit him to understand how you truly feel. He might believe you weren't as serious as you currently are.
    After so much time has passed. I think he's pretty clear, cutting off contact no more emails in the morning, no more special attention, no more walking me to my car...blah blah blah. What am I supposed to do, go up to him and tell him that I'm okay being friends? He's going to wonder...isnt that what we are??
    Quote Originally Posted by Lethe View Post
    - Did he verbally state he was interested? If not, he could have assume the interaction was a non-committal flirt session.
    Asking me out on dates, continuously complimenting me, making out etc...I dont know if it was non-committal or not...he obviously wanted to get to know me beyond just work. If he knew it was non-committal from the start, then why lead me on at all...?

    It's like he just tried to ease out of it all. Man up and just tell me a-hole!

    Oh and stop using me to make your day go by faster at work! Yeah I said it!

    I'm sure I'll look back at this thread another day and think to myself that I just went mad!

  3. #123
    Senior Member thescientist's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Into It View Post
    Edit: Following three posts presuppose that he does not wish to pursue a relationship with you, which is my hunch, but it appears others do not think so.

    A wise idea to tell him exactly how you feel. He is not going to come out and tell you, but if you explain yourself, I think he might give you something satisfactory. He may be trying to turn you off/away from him because he does not want you, and he may be insensitive because he feels you do not require the sensitivity that another might, which is probably true, but not to the extent that he apparently believes. He wants to be clear with his intentions, but he doesn't have the spine to do so, and so he reverts to childish and simple tactics which may be more hurtful or confusing than the mature alternative. But his animosity is not directed to hurt- don't make that mistake. If I were you, I would be straight up with him and focus more on his undertones leading you to believe that he is harboring somewhat malicious feelings than on the fact that things are awkard. He already knows things are awkward.

    I must say that I am not surprised by his initial behavior, though, and that he may have moved on quickly for the simple reason that he has GGS (Grass is Greener Syndrome) and the situation involves no fault of yours. He wouldn't stop dating you because you offended him unless you did so consistently, which I doubt. He is probably behaving this way now because your presences peeves him, peeves him because he feels the necessity to distance himself from you but is unwilling to do so through calm, rational explanation, thus pitting his consciousness against his own weakness that he would rather not acknowledge, and he is deflecting this truth by blaming you for your thickness and inability to get the hint.

    Sorry we have GGS, this probably will not be your last time to experience this kind of unfairness.
    I was looking back and reading through the whole thread and I couldn't agree more with this post now.....

    hindsight is 20/20. it is so clear now.

  4. #124
    Obsession. Lethe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wonkavision View Post
    I agree with this completely.

    I honestly don't think I can add anything to this.

    Very good insights again, Lethe.
    I think I'm finally getting.... 3% of what's going-on in the ENFP male's mind.

    ================

    Quote Originally Posted by thescientist View Post
    Perhaps...but I can definitely sense when it's intentional.
    Our perceptions, however clear to us, may not necessarily resonate with others'. This is where interpersonal communication becomes tricky and explicit clarifications are required. While actions do speak volumes about an individual, it's the specific context that completes the entire picture.

    Just be vigilant about relying too heavily on intuition, at the expense of reality.

    Quote Originally Posted by thescientist View Post
    After so much time has passed. I think he's pretty clear, cutting off contact no more emails in the morning, no more special attention, no more walking me to my car...blah blah blah. What am I supposed to do, go up to him and tell him that I'm okay being friends? He's going to wonder...isnt that what we are??

    Asking me out on dates, continuously complimenting me, making out etc...I dont know if it was non-committal or not...he obviously wanted to get to know me beyond just work. If he knew it was non-committal from the start, then why lead me on at all...?
    It's very likely that he hasn't gotten the perspective of someone who's more reserved in their social activities. The ENFP may not even know how much trouble he's causing.

    Given the circumstance Into-it's post is accurate, I see two solutions:

    Solution # 1: Show him kindness. (Be warned he'll start detecting for insincerity in the case of insufficient mutual trust.) Rather than indulge in a blame-game session, turn it into a problem-solving, personal development one. When he's not faced with reprimands of his conscience, it will be easier for him to come clean.... and finally do something about it! Armed with the right ammunition, many people can change. The question for the said person is where to find it. Suggest tips or brainstorm together to discover safe GGS outlets. He may thank-you afterward for understanding and allowing him learn why things ended up poorly. (If you're making any progress, you could ask him how, ideally, someone in your position should respond to his mistakes and explain why they'll feel frustration. The ultimate intent here is to learn.)

    Solution # 2: Drop him cold turkey if he refuses to compromise or communicate. You now have a solid reason for disappointment and leaving permanently. The worse you'll receive is the opportunity to move forward to greener pastures yourself, and to drop this sod back in the waste-bin where he belongs. Only keep a strict professional contact with him when interactions are unavoidable.

    Quote Originally Posted by thescientist View Post
    I'm sure I'll look back at this thread another day and think to myself that I just went mad!
    Being around ENFPS will do that to you. I take it as a good sign. When you look back, hopefully you'll gain astute insight and tactics for skillful maneuvering past these obstacles.

    There's more strategies I have on understanding and dealing with the ENFP male, but I should get back to work. Tomorrow, then.
    "I cannot expect even my own art to provide all of the answers -- only to hope it keeps asking the right questions." -- Grace Hartigan

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    Quote Originally Posted by OneWithSoul View Post
    Looking into the eyes of a [Ni user] is like peeking through a portal into a parallel universe.

  5. #125
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    I'm sorry to hear this

    I personally would stay warm to him when in fact encountering him, but not seeking him out anymore and going about your day. There's nothing worse than losing attention...especially if you're used to it and seek it out. Detach. That way you can actually stop going mad over him and maybe even turn the tables on him in the process, though that would be a bonusfeature at this point

    Take comfort in the fact that not all of us will be stupid enough to let you slip through our fingers. He doesn't know what he's missing out on
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





    "Harm none, do as ye will”

  6. #126
    Filthy Apes! Kalach's Avatar
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    I think I may have had a similar situation last year with a younger ENFP. It's not nice. Work meant I had to see her at least once a week in groups of other people. Wasn't fun.

    When this guy pops his head up later like nothing happened... ah... um... no, actually I don't know what you do. I didn't handle it well. I was expecting to be met half way, but wasn't, got overbearing, turned up the angry alienating noise, started dictating... Didn't go well. Glad it now doesn't have a chance to reignite.

    Find someone else, I'd say. An actual friend. Someone who's friendly and nice and supports you. A girlfriend maybe. Not dating material. Chill out and get cool with yourself again. So that when you say "Fuck it, I'm not doing this anymore" you can actually mean it because the feeling's done with.



    (Sorry if that sounds harsh, ENFPs. What else does a person do when they're left on their own to sort out their own feelings?)

  7. #127
    Member invaderzim's Avatar
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    I don't know if its too late but you should confront him about the way he is treating you. In my opinion, he sounds like a weak and spineless man. The way he handled the entire situation was completely wrong. He needs to acknowledge his behavior and the way he treated you. I don't feel like this is your problem but if you don't speak up you're showing him that what he is doing is acceptable.

    Honestly, I think you should be rude back. If he's standing near your desk talking about his various flirtations you could have said "please talk about your personal business else where because you're annoying me" and when he man-sasses you a simple "excuse me, do you have a personal problem with me?" would do.

    He is obviously aware of how awkward the situation is for you and is still being inconsisderate. If I were you, I wouldn't force my self to act differently from my true emotions because he's not changing to accomadate you.
    Simplest way to get someone to back down is just to mirror their behavior. If he can dish it out, he can eat it as well.

  8. #128
    Senior Member thescientist's Avatar
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    Smile

    Thanks to everyone for your words of encouragement.

    I feel so much better today. I was feeling like an insecure fool yesterday. He's made me feel like that plenty of times.

    Today I went on about my day as usual. Not looking his way when he obviously tries to attract attention. He tried to joke around and instigate me. And I was non-chalant about it. Not bitter or upset. Just casual and friendly, but not flirtatious.

    There was a bit of sarcastic banter, but nothing too harsh. I think my previous sarcastic attempts were harsh because i was feeling bitter and angry inside at his mixed signals.

    He's just extremely immature. That's all I have to say.

  9. #129
    Senior Member thescientist's Avatar
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    Default === Epiphany! ===

    O..M..G.. I've just reached an epiphany about this ENFP and the whole situation.

    A came across an ENFP's blog and he posted about flirtation. I will quote the key pieces. I'm sure this was obvious to many, but this has just made my day.

    It was only in my early thirties, when I underwent my spiritual conversion, that I became willing to rethink my own flirtatiousness. Doing a written inventory of my romantic and sexual history, I realized that from 13 to 31 I had devoted a colossal amount of time and energy to flirting. The goal was rarely sex the goal was validation of my own desirability. I was a first-rate narcissist, always eager to stir the pot to see if I could arouse a spark of interest in the various women I met in my life. It never mattered if I was single or attached, and I didnt much care if these women were available or not. My ego needed feeding, and flirting was the best damn way I knew to get it fed. If the intriguing led to a short-term relationship or brief encounter, so much the better but that was just icing on the cake. The cake in these instances was the knowledge that I was wanted. And knowing that I was desirable was the ultimate payoff.

    Flirtation, particularly when we are married or in committed relationship, brings us dangerously close to one of the most pernicious sins of all. No, I dont mean adultery. I mean the sin of using another human being to soothe our own anxiety, to feed our ravenous ego. Sending out mixed messages that arouse interest, deliberately fishing about to see if we can get a little stroking this is toxic, manipulative, adolescent. I did it for nearly twenty years. It took several years more of hard work to break myself of the habit. Even now, I remain vigilant, knowing that it would be false pride to claim that I am forevermore immune from the temptation to soothe myself this way.
    Do you realize what this means? The whole time he was just using me to validate himself and his desirability. He continues the flirtation just to get a reaction out of me at work to feed his ego.

    Which MEANS, the problem was never me at all. It was his own insecurities!!!!

    "Plan Ignore" has been in full effect since Tuesday and it feels mighty powerful to not feed someone's ego. He text me at 12am the first day the plan was in effect. Needless to say I didn't respond. And he immediately asked me why I didn't reply to his text the next day I saw him at work.

    Thanks to those who followed me along the path of understanding the ENFP. I finally feel some closure to this all.

    If you're interested in reading the full blog post you can find it here:
    A long post about flirtation, validation, and conversion at Hugo Schwyzer

  10. #130
    Obsession. Lethe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thescientist View Post
    Do you realize what this means? The whole time he was just using me to validate himself and his desirability. He continues the flirtation just to get a reaction out of me at work to feed his ego.

    Which MEANS, the problem was never me at all. It was his own insecurities!!!!
    I had a major haunch this entire 'hot & cold' deal was the ENFP's issue, but I couldn't pin it down on what. That's why I suggested to help him, if you have any energy left.

    Quote Originally Posted by thescientist View Post
    O..M..G.. I've just reached an epiphany about this ENFP and the whole situation.

    "Plan Ignore" has been in full effect since Tuesday and it feels mighty powerful to not feed someone's ego. He text me at 12am the first day the plan was in effect. Needless to say I didn't respond. And he immediately asked me why I didn't reply to his text the next day I saw him at work.

    Thanks to those who followed me along the path of understanding the ENFP. I finally feel some closure to this all.
    Epiphanies are amazing, huh? Hopefully, this ENFP won't blacken your experience with the rest.

    (*PS: I used to be an active reader of Hugo's blog. He suffered from a narcissistic personality disorder, though the aforementioned description is not beyond an insecure ENFP's potential.)
    "I cannot expect even my own art to provide all of the answers -- only to hope it keeps asking the right questions." -- Grace Hartigan

    Enneagram: Tritype - 1w9, 5 (balanced wings), 2w3; Overall Variant: So/Sx
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    Quote Originally Posted by OneWithSoul View Post
    Looking into the eyes of a [Ni user] is like peeking through a portal into a parallel universe.

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