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  1. #1
    Senior Member Desperado44's Avatar
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    Default ENFJ's: White Knight Syndrome? Prevalent?

    Do the other NF's...particularly the ENFJ's, seem to have a problem with this:

    www.whiteknightsyndrome.com -

    Fascinating stuff......
    I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. --- Maya Angelou

  2. #2
    Senior Member The Third Rider's Avatar
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    Though most white knights feel that they are selfless and sacrificing, often they are really seeking unconditional love and admiration from others because they see themselves as flawed, weak, or unlovable.
    I cannot say that I have never seem myself and my actions in that way. *sigh* Now I feel worse than I did before I opened that link, thanks.
    ENFJ 3W4

    If you read this I am sorry to say that you just lost 5 seconds of your life that you wont be getting back.*

    *Actual time may vary.

  3. #3
    Senior Member SpottingTrains's Avatar
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    Interesting book.

    I would say that I suffer from this 'syndrome' to an extent but over the years I've learned to see the damage that taking on each issue can cause and just play it by ear.

    I think you can still help people without needing to fuse your soul into theirs to save them. I still listen to peoples problems and offer advice but I won't commit myself to solving their issues unless they're already important to me. I have to see that me investing time into them will be of actual value to them, not just drag them down deeper.

    Overall though I enjoy helping people so I guess I do shy away from what society defines as 'perfect people'. It just seems the book takes everything to the Nth degree. I feel like I can relate to it but just not on the level they're suggesting.
    "That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can."

  4. #4
    Senior Member mwv6r's Avatar
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    Interesting. I'm an INFJ, and I was a white knight in one very terrible and draining relationship. Never again though! I've learned my lesson. I can see how ENFJs would be even more prone to that role since extroverted feeling is their primary mode.

    I'm really curious about the three subtypes of White Knights -- anyone read enough of the book to describe them?

  5. #5
    violaine
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    Without knowing the contents of the book, I wonder if they are dressing up plain old enabling and co-dependence? To answer the OP though, I think I have been prone to attracting people who needed help into my life due to having a lot of compassion for someone and then bonding. I'm more careful now as I have never wanted to yoke myself to someone who is not capable of growth or someone stuck in unhealthy patterns. That is very off-putting to me.

  6. #6
    Retired Member Wonkavision's Avatar
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    Yeah, I own this book.

    I'm an ENFP.

    I have codependent tendencies and I can relate to the "Overly Empathic White Knight" description pretty well.

  7. #7
    Senior Member chris1207's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sanveane View Post
    Without knowing the contents of the book, I wonder if they are dressing up plain old enabling and co-dependence? To answer the OP though, I think I have been prone to attracting people who needed help into my life due to having a lot of compassion for someone and then bonding. I'm more careful now as I have never wanted to yoke myself to someone who is not capable of growth or someone stuck in unhealthy patterns. That is very off-putting to me.
    I may just be talking from an E, maybe EXFX perspective here, but how do people break those patterns unless they have a fine, upstanding INFJ like yourself to depend on. I know that without other people in my life, my life has no meaning. I guess I'm not really all that dependent on people for personal growth but when it comes to calibrating my Fe I most certainly do.

    I relate to this link. The one and only relationship was like this for me. I actually got into because I thought that she seemed like a sure bet with few options. I was actually upset to find that that was contrary to fact. When I got further in I turned into a controlling monster and found that I ended up not liking her or liking myself and broke up with her. Really has made the proposition of getting into another relationship unappetizing. Two years and counting. Maybe some day. It's just really so difficult to jump back in the game when you feel so fucking behind. It's like when I have that dream that I'm enrolled in a class that I've never gone to and I have an ton of work to do to catch up and it seems like the worlds closing in on me and then I wake up. Sadly this nightmare may never end. Being an N, I must hold out hope though.
    "... you think deeply about stuff [that] nobody cares about and hardly anybody can understand you." ~ Peguy talking about Ni users. So true.

  8. #8
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by chris1207 View Post
    It's just really so difficult to jump back in the game when you feel so fucking behind. It's like when I have that dream that I'm enrolled in a class that I've never gone to and I have an ton of work to do to catch up and it seems like the worlds closing in on me and then I wake up.
    One step at a time. One deliberate step at a time. The good news is that most people coast through life, so if you start making active effort now, you'll catch up to them in surprisingly little time.

    In 1 year, you'll be 1 year older no matter what you do. So, would you rather stay where you are or start moving forward and begin catching up?

  9. #9
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    since we think we are white knights, it goes hand in hand. It's one of our life lessons.

  10. #10
    violaine
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    Quote Originally Posted by chris1207 View Post
    I may just be talking from an E, maybe EXFX perspective here, but how do people break those patterns unless they have a fine, upstanding INFJ like yourself to depend on. I know that without other people in my life, my life has no meaning. I guess I'm not really all that dependent on people for personal growth but when it comes to calibrating my Fe I most certainly do.

    I relate to this link. The one and only relationship was like this for me. I actually got into because I thought that she seemed like a sure bet with few options. I was actually upset to find that that was contrary to fact. When I got further in I turned into a controlling monster and found that I ended up not liking her or liking myself and broke up with her. Really has made the proposition of getting into another relationship unappetizing. Two years and counting. Maybe some day. It's just really so difficult to jump back in the game when you feel so fucking behind. It's like when I have that dream that I'm enrolled in a class that I've never gone to and I have an ton of work to do to catch up and it seems like the worlds closing in on me and then I wake up. Sadly this nightmare may never end. Being an N, I must hold out hope though.
    How could your life have no meaning without other people? I must disagree though I am not attempting to tell you how you feel either. All I can ever suggest is taking time to really get to know someone for who they actually are. It allows you to be realistic and selective about involvement and to bond and trust before getting into a relationship.

    I guess you have probably examined why you became controlling... Was it because she wasn't who you thought she was? In some ways you are ahead though in that you aren't involved in a bad relationship. You are free to find someone who is a good fit! Not that I am discounting what you are saying at all. It is frustrating to look and not find.

    A tangetial thought unrelated to you Chris; I think those who are focussed on the happiness of the partner and the health of the relationship can sleepwalk through the relationship (in terms of their own needs) until they realize that they are dissatisfied. Or put so much effort in that they are conscious of in minute detail, (and that the partner is often not aware of), that it creates imbalance and dissatisfaction and sometimes a sense of entitlement in the 'giving' partner. Neither of those patterns could truly be called relating.
    Last edited by violaine; 07-22-2009 at 05:50 AM.

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