[ENFJ] ENFJ's: White Knight Syndrome? Prevalent?

[Desperado44]

Do the other NF's...particularly the ENFJ's, seem to have a problem with this:

www.whiteknightsyndrome.com -  

Fascinating stuff......

 

[The Third Rider]

Though most white knights feel that they are selfless and sacrificing, often they are really seeking unconditional love and admiration from others because they see themselves as flawed, weak, or unlovable.

I cannot say that I have never seem myself and my actions in that way. *sigh* Now I feel worse than I did before I opened that link, thanks.

 

[SpottingTrains]

Interesting book.

I would say that I suffer from this 'syndrome' to an extent but over the years I've learned to see the damage that taking on each issue can cause and just play it by ear.

I think you can still help people without needing to fuse your soul into theirs to save them. I still listen to peoples problems and offer advice but I won't commit myself to solving their issues unless they're already important to me. I have to see that me investing time into them will be of actual value to them, not just drag them down deeper.

Overall though I enjoy helping people so I guess I do shy away from what society defines as 'perfect people'. It just seems the book takes everything to the Nth degree. I feel like I can relate to it but just not on the level they're suggesting.

 

[mwv6r]

Interesting. I'm an INFJ, and I was a white knight in one very terrible and draining relationship. Never again though! I've learned my lesson. I can see how ENFJs would be even more prone to that role since extroverted feeling is their primary mode.

I'm really curious about the three subtypes of White Knights -- anyone read enough of the book to describe them?

 

[violaine]

Without knowing the contents of the book, I wonder if they are dressing up plain old enabling and co-dependence? To answer the OP though, I think I have been prone to attracting people who needed help into my life due to having a lot of compassion for someone and then bonding. I'm more careful now as I have never wanted to yoke myself to someone who is not capable of growth or someone stuck in unhealthy patterns. That is very off-putting to me.

 

[Wonkavision]

Yeah, I own this book.

I'm an ENFP.

I have codependent tendencies and I can relate to the "Overly Empathic White Knight" description pretty well.

 

[chris1207]

Without knowing the contents of the book, I wonder if they are dressing up plain old enabling and co-dependence? To answer the OP though, I think I have been prone to attracting people who needed help into my life due to having a lot of compassion for someone and then bonding. I'm more careful now as I have never wanted to yoke myself to someone who is not capable of growth or someone stuck in unhealthy patterns. That is very off-putting to me.

I may just be talking from an E, maybe EXFX perspective here, but how do people break those patterns unless they have a fine, upstanding INFJ like yourself to depend on. I know that without other people in my life, my life has no meaning. I guess I'm not really all that dependent on people for personal growth but when it comes to calibrating my Fe I most certainly do.

I relate to this link. The one and only relationship was like this for me. I actually got into because I thought that she seemed like a sure bet with few options. I was actually upset to find that that was contrary to fact. When I got further in I turned into a controlling monster and found that I ended up not liking her or liking myself and broke up with her. Really has made the proposition of getting into another relationship unappetizing. Two years and counting. Maybe some day. It's just really so difficult to jump back in the game when you feel so fucking behind. It's like when I have that dream that I'm enrolled in a class that I've never gone to and I have an ton of work to do to catch up and it seems like the worlds closing in on me and then I wake up. Sadly this nightmare may never end. Being an N, I must hold out hope though.

 

[Udog]

It's just really so difficult to jump back in the game when you feel so fucking behind. It's like when I have that dream that I'm enrolled in a class that I've never gone to and I have an ton of work to do to catch up and it seems like the worlds closing in on me and then I wake up.

One step at a time. One deliberate step at a time. The good news is that most people coast through life, so if you start making active effort now, you'll catch up to them in surprisingly little time.

In 1 year, you'll be 1 year older no matter what you do. So, would you rather stay where you are or start moving forward and begin catching up?

 

[jtanSis1]

since we think we are white knights, it goes hand in hand. It's one of our life lessons.

 

[violaine]

I may just be talking from an E, maybe EXFX perspective here, but how do people break those patterns unless they have a fine, upstanding INFJ like yourself to depend on. I know that without other people in my life, my life has no meaning. I guess I'm not really all that dependent on people for personal growth but when it comes to calibrating my Fe I most certainly do.

I relate to this link. The one and only relationship was like this for me. I actually got into because I thought that she seemed like a sure bet with few options. I was actually upset to find that that was contrary to fact. When I got further in I turned into a controlling monster and found that I ended up not liking her or liking myself and broke up with her. Really has made the proposition of getting into another relationship unappetizing. Two years and counting. Maybe some day. It's just really so difficult to jump back in the game when you feel so fucking behind. It's like when I have that dream that I'm enrolled in a class that I've never gone to and I have an ton of work to do to catch up and it seems like the worlds closing in on me and then I wake up. Sadly this nightmare may never end. Being an N, I must hold out hope though.

How could your life have no meaning without other people? I must disagree though I am not attempting to tell you how you feel either. All I can ever suggest is taking time to really get to know someone for who they actually are. It allows you to be realistic and selective about involvement and to bond and trust before getting into a relationship.

I guess you have probably examined why you became controlling... Was it because she wasn't who you thought she was? In some ways you are ahead though in that you aren't involved in a bad relationship. You are free to find someone who is a good fit! Not that I am discounting what you are saying at all. It is frustrating to look and not find.

A tangetial thought unrelated to you Chris; I think those who are focussed on the happiness of the partner and the health of the relationship can sleepwalk through the relationship (in terms of their own needs) until they realize that they are dissatisfied. Or put so much effort in that they are conscious of in minute detail, (and that the partner is often not aware of), that it creates imbalance and dissatisfaction and sometimes a sense of entitlement in the 'giving' partner. Neither of those patterns could truly be called relating.

 

[iwakar]

Re: OP

I believe my boyfriend does this with his friendships. I believe he tried (or thought he was doing) this with me till I called him on it. Does the book exclusively assign this syndrome to romantic relationships or any relationships?

 

[lillyofthevalley]

I used to have a friend with a serious case of White Night Syndrome. It seems like the only women he was attracted to had serious issues. He was bound and determined to make it all better. The next thing you know, he would be overwhelmed by the drama they brought with them then he would break away. I suggested that he leave the damsels with their distress and instead he should seriously think about going to school to become a counselor or therapist. He married one of these emotionally unstable little creatures, saving her from a life of abuse from her parents, etc. About 8 months later my friend was taking extra work to avoid coming home at nights which made her a shreaking banshee because now her husband is abandoning her, next thing you know, she's trying to find ways to get even with him, etc. It got terribly ugly and only lasted about 2 years. Unfortunately, there was a beautiful baby involved.

My friend was a wonderful guy but I used to wonder what the heck was wrong with him.

 

[lillyofthevalley]

I dated a guy for a brief period who treated me like a princess, I wonder if he had White Night Syndrome to some extent. It was fun to be spoiled like that but my strong intuition was throwing up red flags about him, so I kept my emotions in check. It's a good thing I did because about 3 months later the guy took a 'brief trip' out of state to visit his parents and never came back. The last time I heard from him was while he was 'visiting the parents', he sent roses to my workplace with a note saying he missed me, etc. then disappeared as if he had been hit by a truck or something. It was very strange. As the universe would have it, a couple of weeks after he didn't come back, I was looking over a bunch of books on clearance and there on top was a book about men who can't commit. They call him the Don Juan, someone who wants intimacy so he'll do anything he can to win a woman over as quickly as possible so he can feel those romantic feelings. He drips with charm and pampers her. She finds it all confusing but given the attention (flattery) he pours on her, she eventually starts to have feelings for him too, after all, she's not used to men acting this way, he must be crazy about her. This is when he starts to get antsy because he can see that she's wanting to get closer to him and will most likely want to be in a relationship. This is where the Don Juan starts to get a serious case of the jitters. He doesn't want confrontation since it's completely in opposition to his methods so he disappears. Like I said, I wasn't in love with this man, and I knew that it wasn't my fault, I knew there was something wrong with him (or he was married or something), but after I read the book I just felt sorry for him, how sad not to have a shot at normal relationships. I hope he's doing OK out there somewhere.