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  1. #11
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jewelchild View Post
    Even if there's enough time in advance for people to clear their schedules, people typically have a certain amount of alloted vacation days per year. Even if they did have the vacation time available, but chose not to use it on this cross country trip, that's still a perfectly acceptable reason not to go. It's a large scale time and money commitment, and if it works, great, but it's not a reasonable thing to expect from your friends, especially when some people have family responsibilities, as mentioned.
    Yeah, children shouldn't be getting married...
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

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    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

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  2. #12
    Senior Member amelie's Avatar
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    Thanks, Nightening. Having her explain what she really wants out of the experience is a very good idea.

    Scott - Yes, in the US. The place she wants to go is too far to drive - it would be a plane ride.

    I'm not sure what's going on with her having this expectation - frankly, I'm pretty surprised by it and even more surprised that she was so unhappy when we made the alternate suggestions. She hasn't taken any of my calls, but before she stopped talking to the other bridesmaids, she told one of them that she was concerned people were mainly financially constrained and she wanted us to be clear that she would take herself if we paid our own way. Unfortunately, at about $2000 a person for the trip, that's not reasonable either.

    It's weird about her husband - I guess he has time off? He works, but actually doesn't make a lot of money, which seems to be sort of an issue between them. I think maybe his friends are paying his way. I remember saving all my money and vacation time when I got married for the wedding the honeymoon, but I guess they have all that covered.

  3. #13
    Senior Member amelie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by runvardh View Post
    Yeah, children shouldn't be getting married...
    I appreciate the sentiment. It really helps to see how others see this and makes me not feel so bad for not trying to live up to all her expectations.

  4. #14
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by amelie View Post
    She hasn't taken any of my calls, but before she stopped talking to the other bridesmaids, she told one of them that she was concerned people were mainly financially constrained and she wanted us to be clear that she would take herself if we paid our own way. Unfortunately, at about $2000 a person for the trip, that's not reasonable either.
    Good riddance to her. What kind of friend behaves like that? My goodness, she's totally self absorbed and I would welcome the break from her - as the wedding date grows closer, imagine the sort of demands and breakdowns that you will have to face... Nip it in the bud now and don't make any concessions.

  5. #15
    ish red no longer *sad* nightning's Avatar
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    No, there's definitely no way she can expect somebody to shell out $2000 + vacation time to do that for her... Don't call her anymore, wait for her to call you back as the date approaches. When she realizes her expectations are completely unrealistic...
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  6. #16
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    Weddings bring up a lot of emotions for people and everything is fraught with meaning. I think a heart to heart with the woman and asking her to plainly ask/tell you what she is thinking and what is bothering her could help.

    Your friend's reaction may seem petulant and as I have a lot of experience with immature INFPs who act out I would normally also write her off - except I think in this case it may be more of a communication and stress related issue than someone being a sucky friend or immature person.

    INFPs who have ruffled emotional feathers are hard to calm down and get to a place where they feel safe speaking honestly to you and being able to listen (and if the INFP is unhealthy/immature it's not gonna happen! :P and only partly joking)

    But I would say if you value your friendship with her and depending on if something like this has come up before to make an honest attempt to reach her - and as her friend I think you probably know how?

    Also, yeah, you're right, she probably does feel anxious and feeling out of sorts about the fact that a lot of her friends no longer live in the same city and she feels disconnected from everyone. Weddings often bring out the harsh reality of the nature and strength of personal relationships and maybe it is only hitting her now how your lives have all diverged and it is hitting her hard and she is feeling this as total rejection or not feeling loved at all, etc. You know how sensitive and emotional women can get. HA! I was kidding about that, but I think you get my drift?

    PS My hunch after reading more updates is that there is definitely something going on under the surface? Why exactly she expects the trip and all from you may clarify the whole situation...if you can get her to open up.
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

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  7. #17
    Senior Member amelie's Avatar
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    Jenocyde: Thank you - it's a great point that if we cave to this, there are likely to be more demands down the road. Fortunately, this is not very typical of her behavior.

    Nightening: Good advice. I think I will wait for her to call, because the ball is kind of in her court.

    CzeCze: Definitely think there is something going on under the surface, and I kind of suspect what it is, but I'm pretty limited when she won't answer any of my calls or my E-mails. I was hoping maybe someone here would have advice on how to get her to open up. I've written her that I'm here for her, and that we all love her and hope that we can talk with her about whatever is going on. I know she was already struggling with how few close friends she has to ask to be bridesmaids, so I think you've hit on something there. I appreciate your thoughts.

    I think ya'll have really helped me see that the ball is pretty much in her court and I need to let go of it until she's ready to talk. Thank you for your help!

  8. #18
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jewelchild View Post
    it sounds as if you have been more than accommodating and your INFP friend needs to grow up and deal with the fact that life doesn't always work the way we wish it would.

    You don't owe her anything, and I think it was very kind of you to offer a bridal shower in the time and city of her choosing. This is only my personal opinion, but if she continues to require consolation and creative new ideas to "make up" for her disappointment, it seems like her expectations begin to border on selfish and manipulative.
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  9. #19
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    I think CzeCze is right. Brides are generally under a lot of stress (a lot of it self-inflicted, but whatevs), and you're most likely seeing some sort of weird shadow-self thing coming out of her because of it. Just know that you are right in this situation--she has no right to expect that you spend your savings and your vacation on a trip for her. I'd give her some time to think about all this before barraging her with phonecalls and such. She needs to realize on her own that she's being unreasonable.
    Something Witty

  10. #20
    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
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    Bridesmaids already spend enough money on the bride, this is really crazy. It sounds like competition with her husband, to me. I would hate to deal with this situation, weddings are already crazy enough without ignoring all your friends.

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