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Thread: Mourning

  1. #1
    The Duchess of Oddity Queen Kat's Avatar
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    Default Mourning

    Hi there!

    I was just curious about how people cope with the death of a loved one. What do you do to get over it? How fast do you get over it? When do you have the feeling that you can move on? Is the way people act after someone's death type related or not?
    I was sitting outside the classroom waiting to go in, and I saw an airplane hit the tower. The TV was obviously on. I used to fly myself and I said, "There's one terrible pilot."
    - George W. Bush -


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    Senior Member Nonsensical's Avatar
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    My mother died when I was young. I really don't remember it being an emotional burden at the time, but the older I get and the more I get to know her through stories and looking at her old stuff, the harder it gets. Not a day goes by when I don't feel grieved.

    I deal with the sadness by being alone. It's my Fi pushing me inward. Reading books or listening to meaningful music. I don't like to be around others when I'm sad or upset. I just like to get away from everything, drop out of it all. I do cry, I don't hold it back unless I'm around others. I can't stop it, it happens and can last for a while. I find a great deal of sentimentality in a lot of things, so it's not too hard to get upset.

    I'm a very spiritual person, as well, so I look for answers in transcendence and in God. Not religious per se, but spiritual. It is the answer to me. Truth revealed. It helps. Knowing they're in a crazy good place outside of this world and that being upset about it is really pointless.

    We're all following close behind them.
    Is it that by its indefiniteness it shadows forth the heartless voids and immensities of the universe, and thus stabs us from behind with the thought of annihilation, when beholding the white depths of the milky way?

  3. #3
    Phantonym
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    Losing somebody you love. Time seems to stop. Like you've been punched in the stomach and you can't breathe. You get the feeling that if you just stay very, very still, it will go away. Feeling utterly helpless. Ears ringing. There are no tears, just disbelief. When you're finally able to fathom the reality, the memories rush in. Every little piece of information, every little thing you've done together, every little thing you've shared becomes very vivid. You feel like you're about to burst into tears any second now but the tears just won't come. All you want is to be alone. To not see anyone, talk to anyone nor be in the same room with anyone. The memories keep going over and over in your head but the tears just won't come. Just the question: why?

    I'm not religious. Going through the memories in my head and on my own really helped me at least come to terms with it. I don't think there really is a way to get over it. The void still remains but you're able to at least accept that the person is no longer with you. That's life. And you're able to appreciate the time you spent with that person. And there certainly isn't a definite amount of time to get over the loss. What comes to moving on, it does take a lot of time, obviously. The memories are all you have left and even the smallest thing you see or hear can bring those memories back again. It's not an overwhelming sorrow or bitterness anymore but a sort of sadness that stays with you.
    Last edited by Phantonym; 07-19-2009 at 04:08 AM.

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    That's a very graceful and lovely way of describing your experience, Sky is Blue, if you don't mind my saying so.

    For me, that sadness stayed for about a year. After that, it was just this gratefulness that this person contributed to your life in a positive way. I've come to terms with most of the negatives now.

    I also agree with OneWithSoul that the Fi made me a lot more introverted for a while. There was a month or so where I just didn't want to be around anyone, and it didn't feel lonely. It felt steadying. Hmm... I wonder if that's how introverts feel most of the time.

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    Senior Member Clover's Avatar
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    I have lost many people close to me in life, three this year alone, and I am uncertain if I dealt with their losses very well. I have always had a tendency to just go to the funerals, cry, then move on without any significant impact on my life. It never really hurts me so deeply that I feel I cannot move forward, though their deaths serve as a reminder to me that I need to enjoy my life while I still have it; that time is still passing and nobody is immune to death. I know if I lost my mother I would be terribly distraught, though. She is the only person I regard as very special in my life, I suppose most other people don't really touch my heart or something.

  6. #6
    The Architect Alwar's Avatar
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    I have only lost one person close to me and I used medicinal beer to lighten the blow until the wave of shock was over.

  7. #7
    Senior Member WoodsWoman's Avatar
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    Initial shock embodied in a mental fog that at first allowed me to concentrate on something if it was set in front of me. This lasted about a week then this fog rolled in completely with only tiny breaks for two months - I found this to be almost scary as there were so many things I needed to do that related to my continued survival as widow - like paying bills. It began to lift in the third month. By the fourth month there seemed to be nothing to keep the sharp edges of my pain away. Now it has been five months and the edges are beginning to soften, but only beginning, and I expect bouts of fog and intense pain on unexpected intervals. The process of reinventing normal is terrifying.

    I'm an introvert, and comfortable with no needing very many close people in my life, but have found that I need people around me during this time to a degree I consider unusual.

    I truly hope you are asking out of curiosity and not out of personal immediate need.

    I am beginning slowly to look at the future again.

    I lost my husband.
    Last edited by WoodsWoman; 07-22-2009 at 05:23 PM. Reason: Additional info.

  8. #8
    Senior Member scortia's Avatar
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    I have an almost unnatural acceptance of death. I've lost all but one of my grandparents and a close friend... sometimes I have to force myself to cry just so I look "normal" at funerals. Sometimes the only reason I cry at funerals is because I'm repulsed by what they do to the corpse.

    Somehow, I have more of an immediate reaction to animal death. Not because I love animals more than people, but probably because I've either had to send them off to their death without their understanding of it or because I could have done something different to prevent their death.

    But really, I just naturally accept death well. I don't dwell. I think back on them in a positive sense and don't think back on the "last days" much. I guess I'm just a reincarnated Chuang-tzu or something.

  9. #9
    movin melodies kiddykat's Avatar
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    I'm not sure. I think it depends on the situation as well?

    When I was young and my dad died, my mom was really weak inside. I saw that. So instead of tearing up.. I repressed the emotions and would try to pick up the pieces by staying strong and showing less emotions. Basically, my instinct was to watch my mom's back and make sure everything else in our lives were okay, just by staying collected, not only for my dad, but for her. If I fall, if I was weak, then we both fall. We somehow had to manage.

    Losing a loved one can be gut-wrenching, but how I coped with losing him? Was to realize that he was in a better place. Should there be an afterlife, heaven, or just the mere fact that we just die, I knew that my dad would find peace somehow. The best thing I could do to cope with it? Was to remember the love he gave to me, the best friend I found in him, so that I continue on and live life the way he would've loved to see me accomplish.

    In some cultures, death can be seen as something beautiful, because it is an end to suffering for that person.. I guess for me- it's a sense of serenity that I've come to accept?

  10. #10
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Woodwoman put it well in one of her posts - you have to create a new normal. Everything is different. The sharp pain is terrible, having a stone in your heart all the time and waking up forgetting for a minute and then it all rushing over you again. However it's hard too as those memories begin to get less vivid. I remember the first time that I could no longer hear how my grandpa laughed or picture him as real as life in my head, walking and talking. I don't think that there is a prescribed amount of time it does or should take everyone. I do know though that the more you can face it at the time, the better you can heal up. It especially helps to have some safe outlet for all the emotions being felt, whether it is through writing or through talking etc.

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