[ENFJ] What advice would you like to give the ENFJ in YOUR life? (or in your past)

[OrangeAppled]

You basically say that you're not gonna put any effort into being friends with this person despite the fact that they're a great pleasure to have around. Sure your friend might attach too much importance to each and all of those events and you attending but the fact is that at some point you have to meet them half-way and not just exist in the bubble that many IXXP's seem to be happy with. I guess what I'm saying is that, from my perspective, I thought everyone else was coming from a very healthy perspective in their relationships with their respective ENFJ's but you may have some personal shit that you have to sort through before you dedicate yourself to a friendship with them.

Or, you know, he has a flippant sense of humor

 

[Tallulah]

For my RL ENFJs:

Don't take on the guilt of the world. You didn't invite or bring on, in some way, the bad stuff that happens to you. You're still a good person, even when things are tough. You'll get through it--look around and see the friends that are standing beside you, wanting good things for you and willing to do all they can to help you get them.

Resist the urge to dwell on the dark, sad stuff.

I don't know if it's an ENFJ thing, but both my close RL friends have this problem, so I'll go ahead and say it. Don't complain about having no money even as you're spending the money you "don't have" on a lot of really unnecessary, "luxury" items. You love them now, but then you're baffled and miserable later when you're biting your nails until the next paycheck. The solution to money problems is never "more money."

 

[Afkan]

The solution to money problems is never "more money."

Mo money mo problems.

 

[proteanmix]

For my RL ENFJs:

Don't take on the guilt of the world. You didn't invite or bring on, in some way, the bad stuff that happens to you. You're still a good person, even when things are tough. You'll get through it--look around and see the friends that are standing beside you, wanting good things for you and willing to do all they can to help you get them.

Resist the urge to dwell on the dark, sad stuff.

I don't know if it's an ENFJ thing, but both my close RL friends have this problem, so I'll go ahead and say it. Don't complain about having no money even as you're spending the money you "don't have" on a lot of really unnecessary, "luxury" items. You love them now, but then you're baffled and miserable later when you're biting your nails until the next paycheck. The solution to money problems is never "more money."

Engaging retail therapy and Nouveau American cuisine is not frivolous spending. It's part of any extrovert's active and happy social life! And yes, more money would be an excellent solution but so would money management.

Hmmm, all this talk of martyrdom is very interesting. That's not something I'd say I experience.

I would say to ENFJs:

• Calm down. Really. There's no need to flip a table. You will not get beautiful chartreuse skin as a result.
• Illumination will come, usually on the toilet.
• Refrain from purposefully bowling people over with the strength of your emotions/Might doesn't make right. Funnel that into something that will change the world and not destroy the relationships you care the most about.
• Don't burn before you mellow/Fire retardation is not a genetic trait (although those who are are a special treasure )
• Not everyone is a dirty rotten snake--there are islands of integrity floating in the morass
• Don't "guess you feel" anything.
• Pick one delusion of grandeur and make it happen
• Eating alone at a crowded restaurant is not a badge of shame
• Someone will find your twisted logic endearing and help you straighten it out
• Who cares if no one thinks Mpungu Pornsac is an excellent nom de guerre! You had to tell them what it means in the first place, those dimwits.

 

[Strawberrylover]

Mo money mo problems.

Not in my experience.

 

[Afkan]

Not in my experience.

LOL

 

[ceecee]

[*]Eating alone at a crowded restaurant is not a badge of shame

hehehehe^^ this.

 

[Skyward]

• Eating alone at a crowded restaurant is not a badge of shame

I do this all the time! And prefer it. But I wouldn't mind some of the attention

 

[sleuthiness]

You basically say that you're not gonna put any effort into being friends with this person despite the fact that they're a great pleasure to have around. Sure your friend might attach too much importance to each and all of those events and you attending but the fact is that at some point you have to meet them half-way and not just exist in the bubble that many IXXP's seem to be happy with. I guess what I'm saying is that, from my perspective, I thought everyone else was coming from a very healthy perspective in their relationships with their respective ENFJ's but you may have some personal shit that you have to sort through before you dedicate yourself to a friendship with them.

To meet him halfway means spending money and kissing his butt, two things I won't do very much of and still consider the relation a friendship. I'm sorry I didn't tell you happy birthday on the internet, either! Kisses!

 

[Neutralpov]

An ENFJ shrugged

I really found the advice to not take on the guilt of the world insightful or dwell on dark thoughts.

Any advice on how to not "take on the guilt of the world"? And what did you notice or hear in the ENFJ's to discover this about them. I feel like no one know this about me? Maybe they do...

Great thread I want to hear more advice.

 

[Afkan]

I really found the advice to not take on the guilt of the world insightful or dwell on dark thoughts.

Any advice on how to not "take on the guilt of the world"? And what did you notice or hear in the ENFJ's to discover this about them. I feel like no one know this about me? Maybe they do...

Great thread I want to hear more advice.

They will know if you tell them.

I am finding that sharing this sort of thing is actually appreciated. It builds trust. We (ENFJ's) are inaccurate in assuming that people don't want to help us like we help them.

I am realizing that for myself, I don't let people help me out of pride.

I want to think I am unique, or strong, or the best, or only one w/ the desire. That's the kind of realizations I am getting from letting people help me too- that's the real dark stuff, the stuff I like to avoid. The stuff about myself.

I think sometimes we (ENFJs) distract ourselves with others' problems so we don't have to face ourselves. So we can think we are great. This = making myself a martyr. It ends up being a disservice to everyone.

 

[Galusha]

Hell i think that even the most unhealthy ENFJ will eat this thread up like crazy. I've always liked when people, specifically ntps, have shown me that my views are all out of proportion to what actually exists. It's a relief. Feed that Fe, minions! (I'm much better at expressing my opinion in text to "people" aka text boxes)

NTPs do have a way of including just enough smooth-talking to get away with saying what Fe-doms really need to hear, but the inability to communicate that same view doesn't mean that it's not noticed by other types.

*sniff* Te users are people too!

(The phrase you're looking for is "crocodile tears" )

 

[OrangeAppled]

Any advice on how to not "take on the guilt of the world"? And what did you notice or hear in the ENFJ's to discover this about them. I feel like no one know this about me? Maybe they do...

I think it's an NF thing, but especially so with Fe-dom for obvious reasons.

 

[Strawberrylover]

I think sometimes we (ENFJs) distract ourselves with others' problems so we don't have to face ourselves. So we can think we are great. This = making myself a martyr. It ends up being a disservice to everyone.

I wonder if it would help if you can remember that you don't know others as well as you think, and then use that knowledge to connect back to yourself and realize that maybe you don't know yourself either.

I know one of the things frustrating me about my ENFJ friend is that he thinks he knows what's going on with me, but he really doesn't. He listens but doesn't hear people. He's good at being a social butterfly but he's bad at things beyond that. Kind of like Jerry Maguire: Good at friendship, BAD at intimacy.

PersonalityPages said ENFJs need to look in the mirror and pretend they're talking to a friend in need. That way, you can tell yourself that you deserve love and success and happiness and all the other pep talk you give people that you don't typically give yourselves.

Hope that helps.

 

[Afkan]

I wonder if it would help if you can remember that you don't know others as well as you think, and then use that knowledge to connect back to yourself and realize that maybe you don't know yourself either...ENFJs need to look in the mirror and pretend they're talking to a friend in need. That way, you can tell yourself that you deserve love and success and happiness and all the other pep talk you give people that you don't typically give yourselves.
Hope that helps.

Thank you, it does.

 

[Tallulah]

I really found the advice to not take on the guilt of the world insightful or dwell on dark thoughts.

Any advice on how to not "take on the guilt of the world"? And what did you notice or hear in the ENFJ's to discover this about them. I feel like no one know this about me? Maybe they do...

Great thread I want to hear more advice.

Both my ENFJ pals IRL, for one thing, will immediately absorb anything negative someone says about them. They immediately start checking themselves to see what that person saw in them to make them say the terrible thing. Part of it is a strong guilt trigger, I think, and part of it is the inability to see when folks are lashing out at them because of their OWN (the lasher's) insecurites/agenda.

I've spent many an evening explaining to one of my ENFJs that, for example, just because the neighbor called you a lonely old bitch after you reported her for making significant noise in the apartment above you for 2 straight weeks, doesn't mean that you are, in fact, irrevocably and undeniably a lonely old bitch, and that that person must have seen some of that in you, or why would she have said it. Um, because you turned her in and she's mad, that's why. She wants to get back at you, to hurt you. Don't look for truth and insight where there is none. Don't take on the negativity and spend two weeks deeply examining yourself because of a comment from someone that means nothing to you.

Also, sometimes things don't go our way in life. Resist the urge to feel like it's just you, and you must have done something to deserve it, or else things would be going better. There are a million factors to explain any situation. If the job market's bad, you might not get your dream job right away. But, hey. Neither will most people. Don't dwell on what you must be doing wrong, and wish for someone else's life, when that person might be struggling, too--just in a different way.

Those are the examples I can think of for right now. Both my RL ENFJ friends are prone to that mindset--I couldn't tell if you were saying you could relate, or you couldn't?

 

[amelie]

Hmmm...

Save your nurturing and protection for people who really will value you and who you are instead of feeling responsible for taking care of everyone.

Don't push yourself to give more than you feel able to so that you don't end up feeling resentful.

Don't forget to care for yourself as well - it's hard to put yourself first, but if you don't take care of yourself, you can't really take care of anyone else.

 

[The Third Rider]

I wonder if it would help if you can remember that you don't know others as well as you think, and then use that knowledge to connect back to yourself and realize that maybe you don't know yourself either.

I know one of the things frustrating me about my ENFJ friend is that he thinks he knows what's going on with me, but he really doesn't. He listens but doesn't hear people. He's good at being a social butterfly but he's bad at things beyond that. Kind of like Jerry Maguire: Good at friendship, BAD at intimacy.

PersonalityPages said ENFJs need to look in the mirror and pretend they're talking to a friend in need. That way, you can tell yourself that you deserve love and success and happiness and all the other pep talk you give people that you don't typically give yourselves.

Hope that helps.

That was definitely very insightful, thanks.

 

[Scott N Denver]

This is not for the ENFJ in my life because my friend has never done anything that I've interpreted in this way. This question is for all the ENFJ's who can relate to this question:
What's the deal with your "social messiah"/ "the whole world waits breathlessly for my every word, gesture and action?" How can someone honestly think that the whole social world waits on bated breath for your every everything? That if you stop smiling for two seconds that "everything is just going to fall apart?" I understand that ENFJ's, moreso than any other type, can socially influence others. But where does this "big head" "social messiah" "I'm the new super-model and everyone wants to imitate my every everything because I am the it-girl [or guy]" come from?

Does this make sense? Am I just way off base here? If you don't like my above phrasing how would you describe/explain what I am trying to get at?

-A very confused INFP whom adores ENFJ's.

 

[Afkan]

This is not for the ENFJ in my life because my friend has never done anything that I've interpreted in this way. This question is for all the ENFJ's who can relate to this question:
What's the deal with your "social messiah"/ "the whole world waits breathlessly for my every word, gesture and action?" How can someone honestly think that the whole social world waits on bated breath for your every everything? That if you stop smiling for two seconds that "everything is just going to fall apart?" I understand that ENFJ's, moreso than any other type, can socially influence others. But where does this "big head" "social messiah" "I'm the new super-model and everyone wants to imitate my every everything because I am the it-girl [or guy]" come from?

Does this make sense? Am I just way off base here? If you don't like my above phrasing how would you describe/explain what I am trying to get at?

-A very confused INFP whom adores ENFJ's.

Hmmm... I dunno about all this, sorry I can't answer your question. People seem to expect a lot from me in social settings, but that really makes me feel uncomfortable to be honest.

For me, people and social settings are so exciting, that i live for them. Literally. I love talking to people face to face, but there really is nothing more stimulating than a group of people socializing. The group dynamics always make me spin. Simple things like just by scanning the room to see all the exciting interactions going on give me great pleasure. People fascinate me, and the social setting in which people convene truly is the most awesome magical place to be for me.