[ENFJ] What advice would you like to give the ENFJ in YOUR life? (or in your past)

[Tiny Army]

"Leave me alone."

 

[Afkan]

Thank you

Thank you all for your replies. Keep it coming, anyone else.

 

[ladypinkington]

Don't make promises you can't keep and don't make promises to many people-you are not God and cannot be things to all people and be everywhere at once- you are going to end up breaking promises and falling short- take the things you say seriously and pay attention- pay attention and think about things you say-don't just say things to make people feel good or feel better- because it only ends up hurting worse if you are found to be undependable and inconsistant.
Take seriously any trust that is put in you. Don't take it for granted. Don't be surpirsed when it is cancelled when you are shown to be inconsistant- warm sweet nothings and words of affirmation can't buy it back for you.

In the quest for making the world a better place- don't make your home a worse place. Don't be such a friend to the world that you become a stranger and consequently worse then an enemy to your family. In the quest for helping others you tend to leave starving and stranded those in your real care.

Healthy Boundaries- get some! That is true for all types and all people!

 

[Synarch]

"Not everyone has to like you all the time."

+1

Before you rush to make a judgment about someone's intentions, think it through. Just do yourself a favor and give people the benefit of the doubt sometimes. Not everyone has an ulterior motive. And the fact that you think everyone does makes me think that you do. And that creeps me out.

+1

Great idea for a thread. We should do one for each type.

 

[OrangeAppled]

Advice to ENFJ:
Don't contend to just appealing in the masses. Don't try to go for the maximum effect in 5 seconds. Try to actually deliver the amount of "care", "interest" or whatever you're trying to portray. If it requires impression to fewer people, but making them last more, do it. Your relationships will probably be deeper and serve you better.

---------------


To specific ENFJs I know, all male, and most of it applies to all three of them:

- Your self-effacing humor is charming, your confidence is charming, but please keep it to a healthy medium. Your overly self-critical and arrogant sides are not charming. You just come off as a complainer or lacking humility.

- Don't always be such a crowd pleaser. Expressing your real opinions & views is a lot more likable.

- Don't be so hard to please. Lower your expectations just a tad. You'll be disappointed less.

- Don't whine about not being able to find a girlfriend or "real love", and then be pursuing/flirting with 100 women at once. Don't whine about it, and then have ridiculously high standards that you can't even meet.

- When with a woman you are romantically interested in, do not comment on how attractive some other woman is. You've just shot yourself in the foot.

- Don't keep putting off those most important to you while you give attention to others. They may begin to think they aren't so important, and then when you finally get around to them, they may not be there anymore. Meanwhile, those other people may not be there for you.

- Don't gloss over other people's problems. You don't like it when people do that to you. You're not always cheering someone up when you do that either.

- Get some ambition. You're smart & capable of a lot, so set some goals and actually do something with your life. Your parent's gauge for success is not the only way, so instead of giving up, make your own way.

- Learn to apologize when you make a blunder, even if it was not intentional. The excuses are patronizing.

- Don't take the teasing and banter too far, especially if you can't take it back.

- If you want someone to open up to you and to trust you, then you will need to do the same with them.

- Show your deeper Ni side sometimes. The friendly, light-hearted surface gets old after awhile. You're too intelligent, insightful & passionate to restrict yourself to that realm.

- Your taste is not definitive, and sometimes it's even bad, so don't be so judgmental of those with different tastes.

- Take better care of yourself physically & emotionally.

 

[The Third Rider]

Ah yes, I say about 70% of all of this complaints apply to me. I know most of my flaws but at times I fail to act on them and other times I just need to be reminded of what I need to improve. Here are some of the ones that I need to work on:

"Chill out and don't take it so personally."

Fight your own battles, this goes for the infj as well, and perhaps the other NFs but I don't know many. When it comes to confrontation or risk of physical fight, I noticed a tendency for you guys to hide behind your friends and almost "expect" someone else or your friends to jump in and save you which is rude considering we didn't have anything to do with it in the first place, fight your own battles. I can think of multiple instances where they feel threatened and come running and hiding behind me basically begging me to fight for them, and even worse if they expect me to do it, when I never agreed to such things.

(thanks )


You don't need my input on every single decision in your life. I hate going shopping with you because you rely so heavily on what I think, but what I'm really thinking is that you are shallow and insecure. Get your own opinion of yourself and don't worry about what I'm thinking.

When you are wrong, just admit it and move on. The world will not fall apart. But the constant justifications make me hate you. Just say sorry.


Fin.

---------------


To specific ENFJs I know, all male, and most of it applies to all three of them:

- Your self-effacing humor is charming, your confidence is charming, but please keep it to a healthy medium. Your overly self-critical and arrogant sides are not charming. You just come off as a complainer or lacking humility.

- Don't be so hard to please. Lower your expectations just a tad. You'll be disappointed less.

- Don't whine about not being able to find a girlfriend or "real love", and then be pursuing/flirting with 100 women at once. Don't whine about it, and then have ridiculously high standards that you can't even meet.

- Get some ambition. You're smart & capable of a lot, so set some goals and actually do something with your life. Your parent's gauge for success is not the only way, so instead of giving up, make your own way.


- Don't take the teasing and banter too far, especially if you can't take it back.

- Show your deeper Ni side sometimes. The friendly, light-hearted surface gets old after awhile. You're too intelligent, insightful & passionate to restrict yourself to that realm.

Yep all of those are definitely me right there or at least to some degree.

 

[sleuthiness]

"I wish you wouldn't see every friendship as so give-and-take in the physical sense. It's the best feeling in the world to be around you, but 1) I can't cut your band's recorded music into mp3s or promote your half-assed excuse for a solo music project just to sooth your ego and no, 2) I couldn't bear to attend your graduation breakfast because I'm behind on graduation and would feel like shit if I did, and 3) I won't spend money on a bike just to go on a ride with you.

THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE, AND YOU KNOW IT, GODDAMNIT! SO START ACTING LIKE IT!

 

[bearette]

" It's the best feeling in the world to be around you

but also, seconded on "don't make promises you can't keep"....

also, "go easy on the white lies sometimes. we know you are trying to make us feel better, but we also need honesty."

 

[Galusha]

Don't try to find so many hidden emotional meanings. It will bother anyone who actually tries to be honest with you, and encourage those who aren't.

"Favors" are not currency (usually-- hey, so I'm crafty sometimes). If you do something for someone else, do it because you care for him/her, not because it will strengthen your bond or earn reciprocity in the future (though a good friend will oblige, but the point is, don't expect him to).

Do things without anyone's help every once in a while-- it will make you seem less needy to some of us, yes, but also, when someone relies on his/her personal relationships to get things done, it seems a lot less like real work and more like incompetency or nepotism (the word is seems, so don't get all riled up on me).

There is also the nagging feeling that this thread will be useless, either because of the "oh they don't really know me" or the "they're just angry at someone else of my type and are taking it out on me" excuse, or, following this note, the "but you're describing an unhealthy ENFJ," which unfortunately, I'm not. But I still think that you guys can get past all of that, if you really want to.

 

[Glycerine]

I can relate to most of these criticisms. This is quite insightful and eye-opening.

 

[Afkan]

There is also the nagging feeling that this thread will be useless, either because of the "oh they don't really know me" or the "they're just angry at someone else of my type and are taking it out on me" excuse, or, following this note, the "but you're describing an unhealthy ENFJ," which unfortunately, I'm not. But I still think that you guys can get past all of that, if you really want to.

Actually, I am excited to read the responses in this thread! I am taking the feedback to heart. If I was disputing it in my mind, do you really think I could contain that and have the willpower to not respond to that effect?

 

[Galusha]

Actually, I am excited to read the responses in this thread! I am taking the feedback to heart. If I was disputing it in my mind, do you really think I could contain that and have the willpower to not respond to that effect?

Why not? I do it all the time

 

[Afkan]

Why not? I do it all the time

LOL. Well not me. I can only contain myself for so long.
And of course you can. You are the leader of all leaders. I bow down to you.

 

[Scott N Denver]

"You are awesome. You seem so strong and graceful and poised and its like you always know just what to say and just how to say it. Your totally an inspiration! I don't understand why you tell me that you find that ridiculous. You keep telling me that you have all these doubts and insecurities, but I just can't see their external manifestation. You can be pretty closed about your thoughts and feelings though. Which is fine, I respect your space, but please understand that that can make it hard for me to understand where you are coming from sometimes. Trust yourself more, you awesome person you!"

 

[Scott N Denver]

"The assertive EJ coupled with F warmth and N insight into people, plus all the social poise and stuff makes ENFJ women attractive! Not that I necessarily want to sleep with you all, but damn do I want to hang out in bask in the glory of your presence!"

 

[Afkan]

My own advice to ENFJs, from my own experiences:

Get some therapy. Let go of your pride in taking care of others and yourself, and ASK FOR HELP. Don't be a martyr.

 

[Scott N Denver]

"Its okay to have deep conversations, were not going to think less of you for holding the opinions that you do. Its hard for us to like you when you won't show us the 'real you'.' Your not some freak that the moment you show us the real you that we are all going to go running screaming for the mountains."

 

[chris1207]

Don't try to find so many hidden emotional meanings. It will bother anyone who actually tries to be honest with you, and encourage those who aren't.

"Favors" are not currency (usually-- hey, so I'm crafty sometimes). If you do something for someone else, do it because you care for him/her, not because it will strengthen your bond or earn reciprocity in the future (though a good friend will oblige, but the point is, don't expect him to).

Do things without anyone's help every once in a while-- it will make you seem less needy to some of us, yes, but also, when someone relies on his/her personal relationships to get things done, it seems a lot less like real work and more like incompetency or nepotism (the word is seems, so don't get all riled up on me).

There is also the nagging feeling that this thread will be useless, either because of the "oh they don't really know me" or the "they're just angry at someone else of my type and are taking it out on me" excuse, or, following this note, the "but you're describing an unhealthy ENFJ," which unfortunately, I'm not. But I still think that you guys can get past all of that, if you really want to.

I only disliked the posts by CandylandJoe and TinyArmy. They just aren't informative and really show a lack of consideration and thought.

Hell i think that even the most unhealthy ENFJ will eat this thread up like crazy. I've always liked when people, specifically ntps, have shown me that my views are all out of proportion to what actually exists. It's a relief. Feed that Fe, minions! (I'm much better at expressing my opinion in text to "people" aka text boxes)

 

[sleuthiness]

I only disliked the posts by CandylandJoe and TinyArmy. They just aren't informative and really show a lack of consideration and thought.

Hell i think that even the most unhealthy ENFJ will eat this thread up like crazy. I've always liked when people, specifically ntps, have shown me that my views are all out of proportion to what actually exists. It's a relief. Feed that Fe, minions! (I'm much better at expressing my opinion in text to "people" aka text boxes)

What wasn't informative about my post?

 

[chris1207]

What wasn't informative about my post?

You basically say that you're not gonna put any effort into being friends with this person despite the fact that they're a great pleasure to have around. Sure your friend might attach too much importance to each and all of those events and you attending but the fact is that at some point you have to meet them half-way and not just exist in the bubble that many IXXP's seem to be happy with. I guess what I'm saying is that, from my perspective, I thought everyone else was coming from a very healthy perspective in their relationships with their respective ENFJ's but you may have some personal shit that you have to sort through before you dedicate yourself to a friendship with them.