I've been reading the threads here for a while to help me gain a deeper insight into my personality and the way I interact with others, and I've really appreciated the way you lovely people combine anecdotal real-life experiences with more abstract, brainy approaches to interpersonal problems.
SO... I'm finally "decloaking" and posting because I'm in uncharted waters with an INFJ man that I care for very much, and I need some advice.
The situation with him, now going on almost a year, is making me feel stuck and not in control of my own destiny for the first time in my life -- both a good and bad thing, as has been the case with many other elements of this saga.
The short version:
I'm 26. He's 28. We were coworkers and hung out a couple times and then one day, out of the blue, there was just this attraction that wasn't there before. He was in the middle of a divorce (with kids) where his wife cheated on him, and I was in a relationship that wasn't intellectually or emotionally satisfying with someone who was verbally abusive.
We started talking and it just seemed like he could see through me and understand me like no one else ever had. With him, I really opened up for some reason and was my true self.
So I broke up with my boyfriend for reasons unrelated to INFJ man. And then, a new relationship just developed with this INFJ man. There was this great synergy. Everything flowed beautifully and naturally, if a bit fast and crazy. There was this great mind and heart meld, as well as a neat balance of skills.
He said offhandedly once that we were like yin and yang, which was true in many ways, emotionally, intellectually and in our personal experiences. I felt that I had found my equal, except he was better than just an equal. The sex... WOW there are no words. The universe exploded.
I fell in love so fast. I think he also cared about me a great deal. He shared a lot of himself and what he likes and dislikes, things that have thrilled him and things that have pained him and some VERY emotionally sensitive stuff about his childhood and his marriage. He rushed into things a lot, wanting me to meet his kids and calling me his girlfriend. He said the L word too, tho now I think it was probably more in response to me saying it.
After a brief time together, he broke it off abruptly, saying his life was too much of a mess to have a relationship, but he continued to hang out with me and my friends. When all of this was happening in the fall/winter, it was very painful for me.
So where we are now is that things have calmed down. I think I'm still in love with him because when I'm with him (when we're both emotionally healthy), there's just this special charge and while the intensity has softened, the feelings are still there. And honestly, I can't really imagine being with anyone else, which is very out of my comfort zone because 1. I'm used to being pursued and 2. I had previously been the grass-is-greener type in my other relationships.
I'm scared of how much I care about him. I've seen glimmers of the best parts of him, and he's an amazingly strong and compassionate and insightful person -- much more so than his cold exterior lets on.
Intuitively, I feel that he cares about me too. But when I try to pick apart what I picture in my head and feel in my heart, there's just not enough proof. A lot of his actions can be taken one way or another, and I worry that I might be projecting and I'm making a huge deal out of nothing.
Here's the "evidence" that I've been mulling over:
- He seems extra sensitive to my moods and emotions. We don't talk very often at work, but he still manages to pick up on whether I'm sad, happy, overwhelmed. Last week for instance, I was feeling good about myself and about the state of things with him -- and after our conversation, for the rest of the day, he also seemed to be more happy and was a LOT more outgoing than usual.
- He's initiated most of our contact in the past few months. They come sporadically, but he reaches out and asks me about my trip to the beach, if I'm going to watch a game that night, or cracks a joke about the stupidity of our workplace.
- There was a time in the spring when he seemed to be shyfully flirting in his own INFJ way and trying to reach out to me.
In the past couple months, I've grown more patient and I've been trying to understand more at a deeper level my interactions with other people and what kind of person I want to be. I've let him come to me when he wants, and I had thought that we made progress -- if not toward a romantic relationship in the future, then at least CLOSURE.
That was all blown out of the water last night though. We were both at a party. I knew he was going to be there and I probably went in with too many expectations. That, combined with alcohol, and I just let my emotions overwhelm me. He didn't talk to me as much as/in the way I would've liked, and I think subconsciously I took that as a sign that he still didn't trust me and I was hurt. The night ended with me crying to friends and him leaving the party abruptly. No confrontation though.
So INFJs, ENFPs and anyone else interested: Do you think he has feelings for me or do you think I'm projecting? If it's the former, is there anything I can do to help him overcome whatever obstacles are in his heart? If it's the latter, what can I do to extricate myself from this situation and bring closure?
Should I try to talk to him about what happened at the party, just clear the air in a non-confrontational manner? Or would he feel threatened and insulted by such an action?
When we were together in the fall, I would've said that I knew with 90 percent certainty that he loved me the way I loved him. Now, I'm not so sure, and I feel stuck because I don't see an easy way out of this mess.
Thanks for reading this long post, and looking forward to your insightful comments!!!