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  1. #11
    Senior Member the state i am in's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Skyward View Post
    What I find, is that I analyze the heck out of passions to make SURE they are well placed. Passion and love overrides rationality and rationality is my foundation. Until I digest and figure out what the love is truly about, will I let it comfortably take hold of me. Until then it is uncomfortable and aches.

    Also, with the passion, he likely is much more sensitive to how he acts with you; double and triple guessing himself for every little thing he thinks might be bad. At least, this is how it feels when I'm feeling the burn of passion. I also dislike that sensitivity because then my internal world is in disarray and I have to reorganize or squash the passion. The more passion the more chaotic my internal structure and the more I want to squash it, but I cant because it's bigger. It makes me neurotic until I can get a good focus to release it on.
    +1

    we're just slow and dumb. help him along. if you can not take offense to him acting like a weirdo sometimes, it will make matters much much easier. without knowing the details, i can't say for sure, but it sounds like he digs you. most infjs do not have this situation frequently occur. enfps are great. infjs love them. all dominant intuitives are great. your ability to not feel rejected can provide him with the confidence he needs to not second guess himself, not go into a shell, not feel like a fuckup. be as nurturing as you can be, and when you have your moments to let him know that you want to be closer to him, use your Ne to find a way to express it. show him what it is like to be open and honest (as opposed to scared, anxious, and untrusting). we need someone to let us out of our self-imposed cages, walk around and breathe in the fresh air. you two both recognize each other very wonderfully. that much is obvious but the details surrounding are what you can help to push/initiate setting him free. if you do, he will have extra care devoted to you. and you will be able to explore your connection in a more available and giving/generous way. when people give us gifts it opens us up and the harmony flows out into the world. we are so tightly constricted and guarded when we go thru stress but at times we feel as free and open and gushy and pure as any enfp. we just mask it much much more and are less in touch with our ability to get into the moment on an easier more consistent basis.

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by mwv6r View Post
    #1) Is it possible that he and his wife/ex-wife may be reconciling? I ask because your description of his behavior sounds like how I would act if I still had feelings for someone but would not allow myself to pursue the relationship, and in the past the main reason for putting the breaks on was because I was dating someone else.
    I highly doubt that he would ever get back with his ex, simply because it sounds like she's been intentionally damaging his relationship with his kids. That's a permanent dealbreaker.

    He could be dating someone else right now tho. ... I'm not sure how I feel about that.

    Of course, closure is important too -- you may find that it's best to give up on him, and then after some time passes maybe it will end up working out in the end and maybe it won't. It's possible that if he senses you've moved on, he may get more serious about a reconciliation
    Hmm. My friends have been pressuring me to get out there and date, but anything serious when I still have feelings for him just goes against my values. First of all, because I'd hate to bring someone else into this situation. Secondly, because when I'm done with someone, I am DONE. So, moving on and then coming back for a reconciliation -- not possible, never in a million years.

    I'm thinking that I'll get out there and casually date right now, like a survey mission. I'll see what I like, don't like, which would help me look at him more clearly and make a solid decision on being with him for the long run if it comes to that. But I feel like even doing that is just wrong...

    Quote Originally Posted by the state i am in View Post
    your ability to not feel rejected can provide him with the confidence he needs to not second guess himself, not go into a shell, not feel like a fuckup. be as nurturing as you can be, and when you have your moments to let him know that you want to be closer to him, use your Ne to find a way to express it. show him what it is like to be open and honest (as opposed to scared, anxious, and untrusting). we need someone to let us out of our self-imposed cages, walk around and breathe in the fresh air.
    Awww thanks for the advice, state. Yeah, he is just like a puppy when he's happy and open. It's like something's lit inside and he just kind of glows.

  3. #13
    Senior Member mwv6r's Avatar
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    Another scenario that occurred to me is that he has feelings for you but is honestly unable to commit so soon after going through a divorce. I'm sure that many types experience that, but I've read that INFJs are very cautious in the early stages of commitment anyway, and so things may have happened faster between the two of you than he was ready for. (And he was probably encouraging the swiftness of it all at the time, but then got freaked out at committing so quickly in the midst of the fallout of his divorce.)

    After I got out of a very, very bad relationship, I was unable to even entertain the idea of commitment for about a year. I dated around and simply refused to date people who weren't willing to accept a no-strings-attached, casual romance. I know that sounds very odd for an INFJ, but I think that after we're under a high level of stress (e.g., abuse, divorce, death in the family, etc.) we get very protective of ourselves and aren't able to fully trust a new romantic partner for a while. A year or so after I got out of that bad relationship, I was able to commit again and I went back to exclusively dating one person. Maybe if he's worth it to you, you might try casual dating, with the understanding that for the time being you're both allowed to see other people? Maybe after a while it would deepen into commitment, or maybe it wouldn't, but perhaps it would be worth it to you to try?

    Added bonuses of dating him casually while seeing other people are that it may give you some perspective, helps you avoid "putting all your eggs in one basket" (it sounds like right now you may be in limbo and unable to fully enjoy your personal life because you're waiting on him), and there is nothing that makes men more eager to commit than realizing that a girl they have feelings for is seeing other people as well...

    On the other hand, I know how difficult romance without commitment can be emotionally. There aren't many guys in the world who have ever been worth the ordeal to me. Honestly, I probably wouldn't have wanted to date me during that year I got out of a bad relationship because -- romantically at least -- I acted kind of selfishly and wasn't really myself. If the no-strings-attached stuff feels totally wrong to you it's probably better not to put yourself through it rather than ending up in over your head. Just my two cents...

  4. #14
    Senior Member durentu's Avatar
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    I'm really a nice person, but I'm a compassionate person. And being compassionate doesn't always mean being nice.

    You're his rebound girl.


    All the good stuff that happens between a couple has just been shut off, all the sweet stuff gone. The trouble is, that it wasn't shut for him, he shut it off himself. And being human, it's probably a leaky faucet. All that good stuff has to go somewhere before it makes a mess, and that's the rebound partner.


    In a way, he just removed one of his limbs.

    In that view, he wants someone's understanding and validation. Not acceptance, a relationship. Just because I lost my arm, doesn't mean I want a realationship, does it? I do want someone to understand and validate why I removed my own arm while I'm working through the consequences.


    I empathize with you. The leaky faucet scene is very seductive and you have to let him rework the plumbming.


    In matters of the heart, MBTI type is extremely* limited and to rely on them might be foolish. Listen to your heart, but be fair to both of you.


    This book might be of help as a veteran divorce counselor writes a relationship diagnostic test to see if it's got the goods, in a time when you don't know which way its going.

    Amazon.com: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship: Mira Kirshenbaum: Books


    my 2 cents. good luck

  5. #15
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    Thanks for both your input, mwv6r and durentu.

    The possibilities that both of you wrote about are ones that I've also considered and incorporated into my decisions on how to deal with this mess.

    I've also read much in these boards about ENFPs and our HUGE capacity for hope and seeing the good in other people, so I've been wondering: Exactly how do other people with personalities similar to my own know when they've found the real thing? We love flittering around the world and exploring. What does it take to tie us down and make us want to go the distance?

    ENFPs out there, what do you say?

  6. #16
    Badoom~ Skyward's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Strawberrylover View Post
    Thanks for both your input, mwv6r and durentu.

    The possibilities that both of you wrote about are ones that I've also considered and incorporated into my decisions on how to deal with this mess.

    I've also read much in these boards about ENFPs and our HUGE capacity for hope and seeing the good in other people, so I've been wondering: Exactly how do other people with personalities similar to my own know when they've found the real thing? We love flittering around the world and exploring. What does it take to tie us down and make us want to go the distance?

    ENFPs out there, what do you say?
    Thick rope.

    And hey, if an ENFP like that found me I would latch on and be the adventuring buddy. A sidekick that saves the hero(ine) from certain doooom!
    'Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.' - Marilyn Monroe

    This is who I am, escapist, paradise-seeker.
    -Nightwish

    Anthropology Major out of Hamline University. St. Paul, Minnesota.

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