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  1. #191
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    an unhealthy infp...Hmmm

    validating with check mark on all previous mistakes, losses, fatalities committed
    close to invisible, due to the brain waves locked down, maybe its a moon less phase of the month also?
    slicing the soul away, to establish a thread among destiny and cosmos and me
    in a car that needs washing, place that could need room service / sunlight
    on a stomach maybe empty, cos an appetite is not in the day's horizon or filled with binge-d goodies / snacks / drinks
    in a silent nano second of a moment, hopes or relives the shiny good part of life --- this if prolonged finally ends the unhealthy phase..possible to be complemented with scents/perfume /music/ kindness or attention from a close soul <3

  2. #192
    is an ambi-turner BRMC117's Avatar
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    What does an unhealthy INFP look like?

    Alone and not wanting to be, too crippled by fear and anxiety of the day to day life to ask for help. Reinforcing walls and forsaking friends is something so common place it becomes normal and easy. You can't help but cry when you have any emotional response. You have become alone, Very alone inside your own head. What was a playground of bliss and happy thoughts about love turn bitter. I've been there.
    "I put the fires out."
    "you made them worse."
    "worse...or better?"

  3. #193
    Senior Member Malkavia's Avatar
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    In almost all unhealthy INFPs I see an out of control martyrdom complex.

  4. #194
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    Hi, I know this is an older thread, but it has been helpful to me. I like Infp's, this just happens to be the very unhealthy thread. I am trying to help an unhealthy Infp that I have been dating.

    How does one get out of the fi-si loop? How does one help someone else out of it?

    I have been door slammed. I am not sure why but I have a couple of guesses. It's as if she made some false conclusions related to her past and attributed them to me. She refuses any info that quickly, easily, clears things up. There was an incident just before the slam. She treated me poorly one night in front of a couple of co-workers. It was part my fault but i didn't deserve the public, hurtful, treatment. Then 8 days later when I saw her next, she had this look of quiet anger/rage which quickly turned to severe shame. I had never seen anything like it. She faced me, looked down, tough but teary eyed. I felt terrible. I quickly smoothed things over. The problem is it's as if she was mad that I was around so she would feel that shame. Now every time she sees me she is angry with me. She cannot go back to how we were, which was happy, fun, normal. It gets worse the harder I try. It's as if she has shut down all feelings for me and has scapegoated me as the bad guy.

    She is cp6w5 sx/sp 683 fix.

    I can better explain the incident/situation, and I can also add one other possibility for it.

    She seemed to door slam me because of something she did, not me. The next day after the incident she accused me out of the blue of hitting on her co-worker. This didn't happen. She received bad/wrong info. Someone may have seen us talking and got the wrong idea. Her co-worker is gay/lesbian and has a girlfriend. I was 100% professional when she approached me as I waited to take "my" infp home one night. So "my" Infp had that info in her back pocket and used it the next day after she mistreated me. She felt shame so she went on the attack. She refused any new or correct info. In heat of moment she changed her phone number and everything. I was left stunned.

    Anyway, she may have a past of being betrayed or cheated on, she may have had a past of feeling controlled. This one is big with her. She feels easily controlled even when she isn't being controlled. I don't know.

    My only hope seems to be a co-worker friend of hers, that is like a quiet nice older sister to her. This person likes me and knows me well enough. She is trying a little bit for me. I hate the idea of losing all contact.

    Previously "my" infp did the repeated testing of me over and over at rapid speed. I passed every time. It finally got to the point of exhaustion where I politely and playfully pointed it out once.

    Any feedback would be great. I am not an expert in fi-si loop. But it's as if she is now in angry zombie mode and she isn't getting out of it. She also spends lots of time in ESTJ shadow.

    I care about her and I would like to re-gain peace with her. I won't walk away for now. She doesn't seem like she has interest in helping herself out of it. Not sure what effect her friend will have. I do have the ability to see her and her friend because they work in a retail environment. But that has reached the point of me not feeling comfy going there. Her friend is fine with it. What do people feel/think of this notion of shame/guilt so then instead of clearing up, go on the attack until person is out of your life? And what about not accepting new info that can correct your misconceptions. She clearly no longer trusts me and it's getting worse. Not sure what strategy to take. I am not the best with walking away, or waiting, etc...I don't want to give tough love. Again I am not without fault or blame. She is a good person. And I like Infps. I am just trying to help my situation.

    When going through the fi-si loop, etc...does the Infp realize what she is doing at the time? Or no? Do they realize after? It's as if she is in a fog and won't listen to anyone.

    Thanks. Sorry for the length.

  5. #195
    Problem? Grand Admiral Crunch's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PuraVida View Post
    Hi, I know this is an older thread, but it has been helpful to me. I like Infp's, this just happens to be the very unhealthy thread. I am trying to help an unhealthy Infp that I have been dating.

    How does one get out of the fi-si loop? How does one help someone else out of it?

    I have been door slammed. I am not sure why but I have a couple of guesses. It's as if she made some false conclusions related to her past and attributed them to me. She refuses any info that quickly, easily, clears things up. There was an incident just before the slam. She treated me poorly one night in front of a couple of co-workers. It was part my fault but i didn't deserve the public, hurtful, treatment. Then 8 days later when I saw her next, she had this look of quiet anger/rage which quickly turned to severe shame. I had never seen anything like it. She faced me, looked down, tough but teary eyed. I felt terrible. I quickly smoothed things over. The problem is it's as if she was mad that I was around so she would feel that shame. Now every time she sees me she is angry with me. She cannot go back to how we were, which was happy, fun, normal. It gets worse the harder I try. It's as if she has shut down all feelings for me and has scapegoated me as the bad guy.

    She is cp6w5 sx/sp 683 fix.

    I can better explain the incident/situation, and I can also add one other possibility for it.

    She seemed to door slam me because of something she did, not me. The next day after the incident she accused me out of the blue of hitting on her co-worker. This didn't happen. She received bad/wrong info. Someone may have seen us talking and got the wrong idea. Her co-worker is gay/lesbian and has a girlfriend. I was 100% professional when she approached me as I waited to take "my" infp home one night. So "my" Infp had that info in her back pocket and used it the next day after she mistreated me. She felt shame so she went on the attack. She refused any new or correct info. In heat of moment she changed her phone number and everything. I was left stunned.

    Anyway, she may have a past of being betrayed or cheated on, she may have had a past of feeling controlled. This one is big with her. She feels easily controlled even when she isn't being controlled. I don't know.

    My only hope seems to be a co-worker friend of hers, that is like a quiet nice older sister to her. This person likes me and knows me well enough. She is trying a little bit for me. I hate the idea of losing all contact.

    Previously "my" infp did the repeated testing of me over and over at rapid speed. I passed every time. It finally got to the point of exhaustion where I politely and playfully pointed it out once.

    Any feedback would be great. I am not an expert in fi-si loop. But it's as if she is now in angry zombie mode and she isn't getting out of it. She also spends lots of time in ESTJ shadow.

    I care about her and I would like to re-gain peace with her. I won't walk away for now. She doesn't seem like she has interest in helping herself out of it. Not sure what effect her friend will have. I do have the ability to see her and her friend because they work in a retail environment. But that has reached the point of me not feeling comfy going there. Her friend is fine with it. What do people feel/think of this notion of shame/guilt so then instead of clearing up, go on the attack until person is out of your life? And what about not accepting new info that can correct your misconceptions. She clearly no longer trusts me and it's getting worse. Not sure what strategy to take. I am not the best with walking away, or waiting, etc...I don't want to give tough love. Again I am not without fault or blame. She is a good person. And I like Infps. I am just trying to help my situation.

    When going through the fi-si loop, etc...does the Infp realize what she is doing at the time? Or no? Do they realize after? It's as if she is in a fog and won't listen to anyone.

    Thanks. Sorry for the length.
    Maybe she's insecure in her relationship with you because she likes you so much. She'd be self-conscious around you, which would cause her to act weird. Removing you from her presence solves that problem. She can relax without you around.

    It seems like this is a problem she has with herself to work out by herself. If she's still interested in you afterwards, she'll track you down. At this point, I'd let her know that she's the one who gave up on you. This was her decision. Then I'd walk away.

  6. #196
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    Thank you for the reply theDarkSide. She did have a huge crush on me when we met. I am nothing special, and I cringe at saying that a bit, but it may help with facts. I had one on her too. I know she thought I was out of her league, and we come from different sides of the tracks so to speak. But I don't really feel and think that way. I don't feel and think like that. Everyone is an equal in my world. I liked her for her.

    Right now she is behaving as if she is another/different person that I don't recognize. She takes anything I say, or any body language the wrong way as if I have ulterior motives, or that I am trying to trick her or that I am not trustworthy. Paranoia like. She hasn't snapped out of it so to speak over a few weeks. I'll never forget that look of shame on her face. I contributed to that night's event. It was a bad storm, and she doesn't have a car right now. I wanted to give her a ride home but she said no. Because of the weather, I tried harder than normal, in front of others, and even offered up a rain jacket and umbrella but she said no. Prior to that...I randomly offered her a ride in the past. She never asked. She is very independent and private. She said yes and I started to do them about once a week. Then out of the blue, she tested me with a text that said she didn't want rides any more. This was the day after a nice time together. Her reasoning was that I didn't give her rides when she worked late. I quickly said I didn't know she wanted rides more often, or particularly late night ones. I said I was happy to do them and I did it the very next time to prove my point. She was VERY happy with that, test passed. This is an example of her testing behavior. I didn't mind being tested once in a while or sometimes, but the frequency increased a lot. Every time we got closer, she did some push pull. I didn't know when she wanted rides and not. She was not at all clear. I knew she would never ask. But I also knew secretly sometimes she would be dying for one after a long tough day. So, it went from not enough to too much. Part my bad, and I can pull back and space that out and adjust. Pretty easy fix.

    The only other thing was the other woman/co-worker thing. Complete misunderstanding. I am not sure if she was mad about that or at herself for treating me poorly in front of others.

    A few times a few random people would see us and ask if I was her boyfriend, and she would get defensive and snippy, angry like and say no. She was determined to say that. I didn't care. I knew she liked me, I wasn't in a rush for anything. We dated for several months. It was all good until recently. She is a tough cookie, and very subtle at showing her affection. I had to pay close attention. One thing she did which was cute was when she would give me my change at the retail store, she would always find a way to touch my hand on purpose when she did it. It may have been my favorite thing.

    She was self conscious at times. She's beautiful, but it's as if she doesn't have the self esteem, nor past positive experiences to really feel and know that all of the time. But she believed me in the past when I told her things or gave opinions. I was sincere. I told her she was beautiful for example, and she seemed stunned at first, disbelief, as in no way, but as I kept going on other things, she realized I was sincere. Then she looked right into my eyes. She rarely looks me in the eyes. It's great when she does. She even started to take more effort into her appearance as she was feeling more comfy and good with me and about herself. She told her friend lots of good things about me, none of which I know.

    Yes, she is behaving like a victim right now, but I know the spin will feel as though I am the bad guy and that I abandoned her, when it's the last thing I would ever do. Are Infp's aware of what they are doing when they do this? Or does awareness come later? Ever? She only showed shame and guilt the first time I saw her after that incident. Now it is pure anger, rage, hate in a controlled growling sort of way, with snippy negative comments mixed in. I don't want a problem for her or me at her work. It's the only place right now that we can have contact. I left a note with her friend to give her. I don't know what happened with it. It had my number on it, so as not to lose. I have no idea yet what happened with that exchange. Her friend drove her home this past Sunday and gave the note, which was positive, trying to get her to think of all the good, fun, laughter/smiles things. It's as if once this incident happened, she can't go back to the way things were, which is mind boggling to me. It would definitely have to be a start over. I learned that the hard way recently. But that's fine.

    At this point I am leaving one last, short note, for her friend, not her. It will include my number and contact info. And, it will briefly explain the situation to her friend. I don't like doing that, but her friend is all I have right now. Then I can walk away and see if she will contact me.

    Thanks for the thoughts. Hopefully I will get some others too.

  7. #197
    Problem? Grand Admiral Crunch's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PuraVida View Post
    Yes, she is behaving like a victim right now, but I know the spin will feel as though I am the bad guy and that I abandoned her, when it's the last thing I would ever do. Are Infp's aware of what they are doing when they do this? Or does awareness come later? Ever?
    She's ashamed because she blames herself. She knows this isn't your fault. Distancing herself from you is just solving her problems, sort of separating herself from overly intense emotions. You're the victim and so is she; that's a horrible feeling for someone to have, especially when it could've been avoided so easily. Anyways, I suggested telling her that it was her decision just to drive home the point that you were walking away right now because she wanted it, and she can fix it.

    I don't know how you could get her to chill out. I'd want to tell her she's the only one enjoying her little soap opera and to quit it. Probably do more harm than good. But I guess you can cross that bridge if you get there.

  8. #198
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    I went to bed for four months once. Closed the curtains, locked the door, went to bed.

  9. #199
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    I wonder how aware she is or isn't. theDarkSide, you say she is aware. I hope so. I wonder if I broke an idealized image of me in her head. I wonder if it's about feeling less independent/controlled. I wonder if it's about feeling betrayed due to other woman stuff. I wonder if she will ever approach me with explanation, apology, or even just to start over w/o needing much discussion. I have become the enemy, the blame for her problems, the one plotting against her.

  10. #200
    Problem? Grand Admiral Crunch's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PuraVida View Post
    I wonder how aware she is or isn't. theDarkSide, you say she is aware. I hope so. I wonder if I broke an idealized image of me in her head. I wonder if it's about feeling less independent/controlled. I wonder if it's about feeling betrayed due to other woman stuff. I wonder if she will ever approach me with explanation, apology, or even just to start over w/o needing much discussion.
    I've always wanted to go back and explain things, and still do, just for myself. I haven't because I don't think it would matter to that person.

    The idealized image of you is probably intact. Otherwise, she wouldn't have issues with you. To her, it would likely be the image of herself in your mind that's broken...She's got esteem issues/something she needs to work out, and she'd be better for you once she did.

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