[INFP] Help an INFP, pretty please.

[yenom]

Typical INFP problem -

I've improved my confrontation skills a little bit as I've gotten older, but I still really balk at any situations in which confronting someone is involved. Typically, the more emotional and important the situation, the more I shy away from confrontation. I let problems and issues slide for way longer than I ought to, until things are really bad. It's not healthy for myself or for others involved.

I tend to get really flustered and upset in situations where I have to have heated discussions about personal matters, especially if I feel like people are hostile. I sort of clam up and lose all train of thought. Sometimes I literally get sick and can't eat just anticipating a confrontation. When I feel worried to this level, I try to write letters instead, to take the time to really organize my thoughts. I feel much more comfortable with that method. I've had friends and family members get angry at me for writing letters to try to express my thoughts and feelings rather than talking to them directly.

1) Are you of the opinion that writing letters is a cowardly cop out? Would a letter vs. a face to face conversation offend you?

2) Do you have any advice or strategies to work toward improvement in this area of confrontation? Is it something I just have to learn to get over myself and do, or are there ways I can build up to being better at it?

stare at the person and say nothing. That is a very effective strategy. Nod your head when he insults you, and tell him "sir you are absolutely right."

 

[Chris_in_Orbit]

Confrontation isn't easy to deal with sometimes, but when you have that problem you can make it as pleasant as you want it to be. The writing stuff to organize your thoughts is a good idea, because then you know what you want to say.

Could I suggest, however, that you also write about the situation from the other party's perspective? If you take a look at things from their side, you can avoid heated arguments, misunderstandings, etc. I think a lot of people shy away from telling someone how they feel because they associate it with these negative things. If you start off by trying to hear them out and then tell them what you are uncomfortable with, I think you will have a much easier time.

 

[OrangeAppled]

I think saying that INFPs avoid conflict is an oversimplification. The reason INFPs avoid conflict is that experience has taught us it rarely turns out as we'd hoped, which is utterly frustrating. What we're feeling so strongly just does not come across verbally.

Strong Fi and messy Ti make it nearly impossible to express what we want at the moment it's happening, especially if we get too emotional. You feel so strongly about something, so much so that it's too important to let it go and also so critical that you must convey yourself concisely, yet the words always come out wrong.

I've used Ti in arguments, and it's been very biting, but I've also regretted what was said because it's what I though was appropriate at the moment, and even truthful, but wasn't necessarily how I felt about the situation.

I think the most effective way for an INFP to confront someone is to calming tell them where you're coming from (what you see) and how you're affected (feel). If you do this calmly and confidently, people tend to see this as simply who you are and understand that they'll need to accept it.

This is why I end up writing a letter/email anyway, after a verbal confrontation. In the moment, I am too emotional to get the words out right. I can't communicate the issue or my perspective clearly. When I write, everything is much more organized and makes sense. I can detach myself a bit and avoid emotional blurting out.
Ideally, confronting in a calm manner is best, but it's not always likely.

My issue with confrontation is the fear that I will not communicate effectively, be understood correctly, and ultimately, get anything productive out of the ordeal. If it just becomes a tit for tat, circular argument, then it's not worth my energy.

On a side note, I've actually had the most problems in confronting ESTPs. They steer you away from the point just to be right (suddenly, the argument is about something else & low personal blows are made just to hit a nerve), and they have almost zero capability to see things from another perspective.

 

[Alwar]

They steer you away from the point just to be right (suddenly, the argument is about something else & low personal blows are made just to hit a nerve), and they have almost zero capability to see things from another perspective.

I can't stand it when people do that, it's like they have absolutely no regard for the truth, they just want to be right, or perceived by others as such. I thought it was maybe TJ's who do it the most but I'm not good at typing people yet.

 

[OrangeAppled]

I can't stand it when people do that, it's like they have absolutely no regard for the truth, they just want to be right, or perceived by others as such. I thought it was maybe TJ's who do it the most but I'm not good at typing people yet.

Maybe it's just an individual thing. It drives me crazy too. I'm getting good at saying, "That's not relevant to this conversation; we are discussing ____ right now."

 

[nightning]

Avoid confrontations and just have a chat with them? I find labelling influence my moods a bit. I know it shouldn't make any difference what you call something, but it does.

Writing has its place in things... for when two person are so angry that even to mention the issue sets them off. But face to face implies sincerity.

 

[Wiley45]

Confrontation isn't easy to deal with sometimes, but when you have that problem you can make it as pleasant as you want it to be.

I can try to be pleasant, of course, but I can't make the entire situation pleasant if the other person reacts negatively.

Could I suggest, however, that you also write about the situation from the other party's perspective? If you take a look at things from their side, you can avoid heated arguments, misunderstandings, etc. I think a lot of people shy away from telling someone how they feel because they associate it with these negative things. If you start off by trying to hear them out and then tell them what you are uncomfortable with, I think you will have a much easier time.

That's a great suggestion, and I do try to make a habit of viewing a situation from another's perspective.

Avoid confrontations and just have a chat with them? I find labelling influence my moods a bit. I know it shouldn't make any difference what you call something, but it does.

I'm chuckling at this suggestion, because if I label it a chat, it will end up being just that -- a chat -- and I'll never get the guts to bring up the actual issue. My side of the "confrontation" is rarely nasty or overbearing ... normally my problem is trying to be less "nice" and "tactful" or nervous about a negative outcome, and just getting the issues out there with honesty.

 

[Wiley45]

My issue with confrontation is the fear that I will not communicate effectively, be understood correctly, and ultimately, get anything productive out of the ordeal. If it just becomes a tit for tat, circular argument, then it's not worth my energy.

I have these same issues about confrontation too. I think the biggest reason I avoid confrontational situations is a fear of hurting others and causing ongoing conflict and negative "vibes," for lack of a better word.

 

[PotatoPeeler68]

I understand where you're coming from, as I only could truly communicate with letters for so long, but I learned to be able to talk face-to-face and it's actually less stressful, if they have time.

 

[andresimon]

Typical INFP problem -

I've improved my confrontation skills a little bit as I've gotten older, but I still really balk at any situations in which confronting someone is involved. Typically, the more emotional and important the situation, the more I shy away from confrontation. I let problems and issues slide for way longer than I ought to, until things are really bad. It's not healthy for myself or for others involved.

I tend to get really flustered and upset in situations where I have to have heated discussions about personal matters, especially if I feel like people are hostile. I sort of clam up and lose all train of thought. Sometimes I literally get sick and can't eat just anticipating a confrontation. When I feel worried to this level, I try to write letters instead, to take the time to really organize my thoughts. I feel much more comfortable with that method. I've had friends and family members get angry at me for writing letters to try to express my thoughts and feelings rather than talking to them directly.

1) Are you of the opinion that writing letters is a cowardly cop out? Would a letter vs. a face to face conversation offend you?

2) Do you have any advice or strategies to work toward improvement in this area of confrontation? Is it something I just have to learn to get over myself and do, or are there ways I can build up to being better at it?

You are an Fi dom. Naturally prone to avoiding conflict. Writing for you comes naturally but people will judge it through social norms. So be direct with them, tell them communicating through writing allows you to share your thoughts more clearly. It's assumed that everyone should be good at conversations, but the facts are far from that. Working on your Te isn't something I recommend you do. Start with communicating through your writing and then slowly build into conversations.

 

[Virgo1987]

1. I believe writing emails and letters are very easy for me personally, but I also take into consideration that sometimes face to face conversation might be better for the other person... so I force myself to do things that way depending on the person.

I wouldn't let something go on for too long. I'm at the point in my life where I try not to push things off for a later time because I feel like time is too important to waste, but when I was a kid... forget it. I would let things linger and linger until they fell into place and they typically did... but those days are over.

2. I can't say I've ever prepared well for a confrontation, but I think sometimes they happen when you least expect them to or want them to (though you never want them to happen in the first place).

It all depends on the person I'm dealing with. Whether they have an issue with me or I have an issue with them -- and a lot of the times for me, the other person, no matter which way I deliver it, doesn't want to understand me. But it's true -- sometimes I'll snap like a short fuse and insist that what I think, I think strongly. Other times I'll tensely pace myself and deliver it as calmly as I can and shrug it off like it's not a big deal... though my shoulders are tense as hell.