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  1. #11
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    I have an ESFP friend who likes to dump on me. It can be exhausting. It can seem dramatic and self-absorped. It can feel like a manipulation for sympathy...
    Me too, but I don't see the negative side to it like the part in bold, my esfp friend needs to vent, may not progress past a point for a very long time, but it's such a minimal dump since as an esfp she is naturally sunny and able to bounce back faster then other types that emo dump.


    On the other hand, I understand the need to vent. At INFPgc, many INFP posters will have the answer to their own problem by the end of their OP, or a few posts in. They can work out the answer through venting. I think that is magnified with extroverts, as they really need to work it out externally.

    In venting emotion, it's like a hazy sky clearing so that the rational, reasoning side of Fi can shine through. Also, if you use Ne, than you often have a lot of options to consider, and it helps to have people check some off for you by getting their input.

    Also, I find Fi is a bit obsessed with authenticity. Fi people don't like to fake emotion to be polite. Fi people will tell you the real reason they are or aren't doing something, even if it's not nice. Fi wants to be understood and recognized as legitimate, even if you don't agree with Fi's stance. I suppose not everyone can put themselves in other's shoes, but Fi users don't always get that, so we get frustrated when people cannot do that for us.

    When Fi dumps, it is also a communication method. If you don't listen or if you disregard it as being emotionally dramatic, then don't be surprised by the person's future actions. They have given you a BIG heads-up in telling you how they were feeling. Often times, in venting, Fi's values are being intimated, and acknowledging them can go a long way in understanding that individual and dealing smoothly with them.
    Yes, that's exactly right, as I am venting and purging myself of these emotions I am beginning to form an answer and work out a way forward. By the time I am done venting those emotions I am back in a place of peace and have my answer all sorted.

    I don't need an action plan, I know the action plan, I know how to make things better, I just need to purge myself of my emotions.

    I don't do it as much anymore. I don't tell my friends how bad I'm feeling, I shut myself away these days because I don't want friends getting tired of it, like many of you have said that you do.

    I know most people don't understand it, and I actually don't feel like I have the kind of friends who would understand that at the moment and be able to handle it.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

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  2. #12
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    I think that when Fi does this and it seems to come out of nowhere for the Fe user (or maybe another Fi user I'm not sure) it can seem like "where did that come from?" I can be asking all along, "what's going on?" and truly be asking to know in greater depth. Maybe in the future if the Fi user does this after being asked, they can explicitly say to the Fe user something to the effect of "I hear you what you're asking but I have a little more digesting to do. Can I get back to you about it later?" That way the Fe isn't unsettled and wondering what's going on, why is there no communication and the Fi doesn't feel like they're trapped in a corner.

    But I do have a question and please don't take this as an accusation: this method seems very indirect and evasive to me. When people say they want clear communication, how does this particular behavior contribute to that? Sometimes it feels like a sudden douse of water and you're just surprised about it. I can't say I haven't done such a thing myself and I'm not Fi, but I do it when I don't feel like the channels of communication have been opened up for me to say it or what I will say won't be well-received and I don't feel like dealing with the person's reaction.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  3. #13
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Basically, what you're getting dumped on you, is the 'draft' of what we're working on in our head. Since you asked to see it, some of us assume you care and want to know, others only cave after being repeatedly told to plz tell you what is wrong. In my case, I used to do this, because maybe the insights of another person can help me out and..well, you indicated you wanted to help. You're seeing the unfinished project. There's a reason we keep this stuff inside usually and only communicate it *clearly* when we're done in our head
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  4. #14
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    Basically, what you're getting dumped on you, is the 'draft' of what we're working on in our head. Since you asked to see it, some of us assume you care and want to know, others only cave after being repeatedly told to plz tell you what is wrong. In my case, I used to do this, because maybe the insights of another person can help me out and..well, you indicated you wanted to help. You're seeing the unfinished project. There's a reason we keep this stuff inside usually and only communicate it *clearly* when we're done in our head

    + lottery jackpot

    I'm happy to keep my emo burst inside, eventually I'll deal with it alone, but if you keep pressing me and making me think you actually want to hear about it, then yes it's going to come out, because in reality I ache for understanding and connection.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

    DeWitt - "Something far worse, she's an Idealist"

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  5. #15
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    Fi is interesting to me from the standpoint that my GF has it as her inferior function, and it tends to manifest itself in her personality as a response to being judged unfairly or when she feels obligated to something, especially in regards to her family.

    She can be extremely sensitive to judgments about her independence and certain things she works hard for. She will rarely subject me to the "Fi dump" [a little more often than I subject her to my Fe insecurity] however when it happens I am lost feeling really helpless in diffusing the situation. Also it makes her feel worse when I trivialize her concerns and tell her she's looking too far into things [which she IS].

    So keep it going, this is interesting stuff to read.



  6. #16
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    Basically, what you're getting dumped on you, is the 'draft' of what we're working on in our head. Since you asked to see it, some of us assume you care and want to know, others only cave after being repeatedly told to plz tell you what is wrong. In my case, I used to do this, because maybe the insights of another person can help me out and..well, you indicated you wanted to help. You're seeing the unfinished project. There's a reason we keep this stuff inside usually and only communicate it *clearly* when we're done in our head
    OK, so is this an issue of timing?

    Let's say I see a dump coming from a Fi user (I can see it coming sometimes...) and my Fe jumps in and say why don't we go out this weekend? That's me saying, I'm feeling you, I see the tension, let's talk. Is the draft a more "spontaneous" thing? Like if I try to set aside time to talk about it and the Fi user doesn't feel like it at that time what then? Fe user says hey I'm trying and the Fi feels forced to dump on cue? Cause Fe is an extroverted judging function, movement based, and closure oriented, so I do have the urge to move things along...
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  7. #17
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Jock, feel free to tell me to shut up but you could try just acknowledging her feelings are valid(which they are, even if the situation is trivial) first and listening till she's done ranting. After that, you can try and engage her T to see that the situation maybe isn't as bad as she first thought
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  8. #18
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post
    OK, so is this an issue of timing?

    Let's say I see a dump coming from a Fi user (I can see it coming sometimes...) and my Fe jumps in and say why don't we go out this weekend? That's me saying, I'm feeling you, I see the tension, let's talk. Is the draft a more "spontaneous" thing? Like if I try to set aside time to talk about it and the Fi user doesn't feel like it at that time what then? Fe user says hey I'm trying and the Fi feels forced to dump on cue? Cause Fe is an extroverted judging function, movement based, and closure oriented, so I do have the urge to move things along...
    The thing is that we don't work on your clock, no
    We're still sorting things out, and unfortunately having a deadline to do it in...doesn't help. It just completely deadlocks Fi. You can help it along by allowing for the dump and being a sounding board. That helps massively...unless the person rather not share with you, then you're likely to get a blow-out instead, so don't push too hard. If you're unwilling to do so, just let us be for a while, most issues we can work out ourselves. Your suggestion for the weekend would be very much appreciated, but if you do 'talk' to us about this during the weekend, you're likely to still get an unprocessed version, depending on how long it takes to get this stuff sorted. So you'll still be dumped on
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





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  9. #19
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post

    Let's say I see a dump coming from a Fi user (I can see it coming sometimes...) and my Fe jumps in and say why don't we go out this weekend? That's me saying, I'm feeling you, I see the tension, let's talk. Is the draft a more "spontaneous" thing? Like if I try to set aside time to talk about it and the Fi user doesn't feel like it at that time what then? Fe user says hey I'm trying and the Fi feels forced to dump on cue? Cause Fe is an extroverted judging function, movement based, and closure oriented, so I do have the urge to move things along...
    This is interesting too, I wonder if I should take a more Fe-oriented *shudders* approach to Fi issues instead of Ti-oriented ones. Do you find that this generally works?

    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    Jock, feel free to tell me to shut up but you could try just acknowledging her feelings are valid(which they are, even if the situation is trivial) first and listening till she's done ranting. After that, you can try and engage her T to see that the situation maybe isn't as bad as she first thought
    But I think they're not valid :confused:

    I guess I can do that but when the Fi-dump is aimed in MY direction I don't see why I should have to accept blame and placate until the Fi fire is put out, and THEN I have to work through it.



  10. #20
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JocktheMotie View Post
    This is interesting too, I wonder if I should take a more Fe-oriented *shudders* approach to Fi issues instead of Ti-oriented ones. Do you find that this generally works?



    But I think they're not valid :confused:

    I guess I can do that but when the Fi-dump is aimed in MY direction I don't see why I should have to accept blame and placate until the Fi fire is put out, and THEN I have to work through it.
    Normally, if you're not the cause of Fi going mental, she should just be venting. So you won't take any fire. Just..resist the urge to be amused at it, or hide it really well (I know you ), or you will suffer greatly

    And her feelings are valid. They have a cause, a reason and are a part of who she is. It may not be a logical reason, but that doesn't invalidate the feelings. Make it clear that it's ok for her to feel this way Does that mean that the feelings are useful and should be acted on? Hell no, but that's something you can discuss after she's cooled down
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





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