[Fe] Fe users (or anyone): How do you break away from values instilled from a young age?

[Glycerine]

By the time I was 5 or 6, I was taught that:
Negative emotions were a bad thing.

Don't be emotionally expressive... it's best to be reserved.

Don't assert yourself or ask for help... you, as an individual, are not important.

Be humble... don't bring attention to yourself.



Even after I got out of that environment, those values are still instilled in my head after 13 years. I tried really hard to stifle Fe for a longest time because of the things I learned when I was really young. I forced introversion on myself. Of course if Fe is your dominant, it will backfire on you in the long run, which it did big time. I live in a good environment now but these stupid values that I got from my early childhood still impact me.

 

[nomadic]

lolz

i have the opposite problem, my parents used to always tell me to think before i speak... but my friends know me well enough that when I say things without thinking, they already know me and know i don't have bad intentions

I think American kids nowadays are more "communal" whereas when I was young, individuality was emphasized, always question... etc...

If there is something you want, you can change yourself to get it, but i think the greater question is if what you want is really worth it.

being a younger sibling, i was always the one "babied" and "spoiled". lately I been trying to be more the "big brother" figure, and although its difficult, it is a goal that I want and I pick up things here and there by watching my friends who are older siblings.

 

[Totenkindly]

By the time I was 5 or 6, I learned that:
Negative emotions were a bad thing.
Don't be emotionally expressive... it's best to be reserved.
Don't assert yourself or ask for help... you, as an individual, is not important.
Be humble... don't bring attention to yourself.

These aren't necessarily part of Fe, but they're definitely part of Introversion. IOW, they're basically Fe as implemented by Introverts.

This is more like martyrdom and reservation -- Fe would not just remind a person to pull themselves back in order to allow room to others, but also allow oneself to carve one's own niche. After all, community is not about smothering oneself so that others can live, it's allow EVERYONE to have their proper place and connection; smothering oneself to that degree is actually a negative for the relational web, it leaves a black hole where a person should be.

How do get over it?

First of all, get out of that environment and get yourself into one that values you. And stay out of the original environment as much as you can until you've grown and changed enough to not be smothered once you go back in.

But really, you will need to be around people who encourage you to be you.

 

[fill]

Do you feel your life is better or worse with these values instilled? Question them endlessly; if these values are helpful, they will be the answer to those questions.

 

[Tiny Army]

It was incredibly easy for me to get past my parents' and my ultra-conservative grandparents' value system. I sometimes feel guilty about how quickly I let go of near constant conditioning. I was searching for my own set of values that made sense and consolidated the best parts of many different pre-established value systems from an early age. My ISTJ grandfather frequently sulks that I was entirely too interested in other cultures and religions for his liking.

 

[nozflubber]

what makes you think our values are that susceptible to our will? I always imagined that our values guide our will, we dont get to choose what we value on the inside! values choose US! Choo-choo-choose us!! weeeeeee ralphiiiiieeeee

 

[Glycerine]

Do you feel your life is better or worse with these values instilled? Question them endlessly; if these values are helpful, they will be the answer to those questions.

I hate these values but I had them harshly instilled in me as a kid.

 

[fill]

I hate these values but I had them harshly instilled in me as a kid.

You may hate them, but they still might not be completely wrong, just unfit for you. Those values are fine with me because I'm naturally introverted, but I could see why you would have a hard time with them when your natural instinct is to express your emotion instead of reserving it.

Actually, I think Fe is only the basis of the values, not the way to break away from them. I say use Ni to fully break away from them. Question. Everything. Ever (Warning: you may go clinically insane for a moment).

 

[Glycerine]

You may hate them, but they still might not be completely wrong, just unfit for you. Those values are fine with me because I'm naturally introverted, but I could see why you would have a hard time with them when your natural instinct is to express your emotion instead of reserving it.

Actually, I think Fe is only the basis of the values, not the way to break away from them. I say use Ni to fully break away from them. Question. Everything. Ever (Warning: you may go clinically insane for a moment).

I guess it's a question of do they make you feel deprived or fulfilled? I thought I was an INFJ for a long time but it just made me feel so empty and trapped going inside myself and I got kind of depressed. You, INFJs, are awesome because you guys can go so deep inside yourself and get energized by it.


Thank you everyone for your responses. It was all very insightful. If I want to change them, it has to be a conscious effort on my part.

 

[Kingfisher]

i understand what you're saying IDK123. in my youth i had certain values instilled in me, and as a reaction to my enviroment i developed patterns of behavior/thinking that are not really who i am. i have only started to overcome some of it in the past few years.

i was raised in a very emotionally damaged enviroment, growing up i was exposed to a lot of rage and anger and violence, but positive emotions (like love, compassion, understanding) were thought very ill of. emotional kids in my neighborhood had a very hard time of it, so most of us learned to be thick-skinned, and emotional dry-wells.

having compassionate and caring people around you is key, i think. and cutting off dangerous and detrimental people/places in your life. really cutting them off completely is a good thing, i think. sometimes we develop connections to hurtful and damaging people without being aware of just how detrimental they are. then when we cut them off sometmes we realize what they were doing to us, and become less likely to fall into those types of relationships.
one of the biggest things is to not only surround yourself with positive people, but also to reach out to them. as i became more comfortable around people i started taking bigger emotional risks, opening up more and exposing vulnerable parts of myself.
it is a gradual process though.

 

[Glycerine]

i understand what you're saying IDK123. in my youth i had certain values instilled in me, and as a reaction to my enviroment i developed patterns of behavior/thinking that are not really who i am. i have only started to overcome some of it in the past few years.

i was raised in a very emotionally damaged enviroment, growing up i was exposed to a lot of rage and anger and violence, but positive emotions (like love, compassion, understanding) were thought very ill of. emotional kids in my neighborhood had a very hard time of it, so most of us learned to be thick-skinned, and emotional dry-wells.

having compassionate and caring people around you is key, i think. and cutting off dangerous and detrimental people/places in your life. really cutting them off completely is a good thing, i think. sometimes we develop connections to hurtful and damaging people without being aware of just how detrimental they are. then when we cut them off sometmes we realize what they were doing to us, and become less likely to fall into those types of relationships.
one of the biggest things is to not only surround yourself with positive people, but also to reach out to them. as i became more comfortable around people i started taking bigger emotional risks, opening up more and exposing vulnerable parts of myself.
it is a gradual process though.

Sorry to hear that. Thank you for sharing your advice. It really reached me and that was just the type of advice I needed. It just sucks how the past can have such an impact on a person. Thank you again!

 

[Snow Turtle]

You just do eventually.

That you realise that it's conditioning is already the first step towards moving past these behaviours, consciously pushing yourself forward and surrounding yourself with people that encourage new behaviours can also help. It's basically a case of developing a new habit and all that.

Having said that I know how difficult it can be to try get rid of old habits etc, but if you are willing it won't be a problem in the long run.

 

[mortabunt]

I have inferior Fe. Luckily, it is rarely active.

 

[Glycerine]

I have inferior Fe. Luckily, it is rarely active.

Thank the heavens because you're blessed.

 

[Sniffles]

One step at a time, it's a gradual process. I've literally had to deconstruct and then reconstruct much of what I've been taught about the world as well. It's not an easy task, but it's highly necessary if you wish to maintain sanity and view the world through clearer lenses.

 

[mortabunt]

Thank the heavens because you're blessed.

The only problem is that when people expect emotional responses or enthusiasm, I rarely have any. People sometimes doubt that I'm human.

 

[kiddykat]

I know where you're coming from. After my father passed away, I was passed on to live with different family members, and one in particular, totally influenced me in ways that almost 2 decades later, I'm still trying to get over..

Values instilled at a young age can definitely influence our perspective in life.

However, growing up in strict environments has its own pluses. It's taught me that not everyone is the same, and just because we don't share everything in common, doesn't mean we're 'bad' people. It's taught me patience.

I think the best way to know that we're progressing is when we can truly smile, and know that we're being more of our best selves, and somehow life is full/rich with meaning..

I was taught to look down and say thank you at everything, and to give whatever I had as much as I can.. almost to the point of absurdity. So I know watcha mean..

 

[wren]

My take on Fe values and growth is speculative at best, but I'll give it a whirl. When I work hard to change damaging feelings towards myself due to worthless values instilled in me while young, I observe the damage they do to my current relationships, which always mean so much to me. That's my greatest motivator to undue learned patterns from a Fe pov, imo, fwiw, atm.