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  1. #101
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Then test her. Ask her for something. A favour, make it clear that it would mean a great deal to you. And ask without guilttripping or whatever. Just nicely. See what she does

    I know it's not the most ethical approach but it will get you your answers quickly. Another option is to bite the bullet and in a non-judgemental way ask her how she views your friendship and why it is that she feels the need for this cocoon.

    Also, if you do decide to 'test', give her a chance to explain her side afterwards.

    Once you have all this info, you can then make an informed decision as to what to do with this friendship, and whether you need to redefine it to something that more accurately portrays the situation. Good luck
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





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  2. #102
    Protocol Droid Athenian200's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    For those of you that don't see things in these terms, do you have any thoughts for how to reconcile the two in a relationship or close friendship?
    No. I'd be pretty uncomfortable with a person who thinks in those terms. I don't like rooting things in physical help and offers of service.

  3. #103
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    It's so fun when a thread explodes overnight!

    Quote Originally Posted by Athenian200 View Post
    The point is, not everyone would want what you're describing. Also, some people feel extremely uncomfortable/awkward around injured or sick people. Did you not consider that possibility?
    I am going to go to bat for Athenian on this one. My father has such a strong reaction to certain hospital-type situations that he will literally pass out - it's called vasovagal syncope, and it only "happens" during these types of crises. Indeed some people do have a real challenging time processing the emotional components associated with illness.

    Quote Originally Posted by marmalade.sunrise View Post
    Fe can be selfish too, as in they want to talk to you and hang out with you and bug the shit out of you whenever THEY feel like it then whine about it when you don't. Unhealthy Fe can be invasive, needy, and overbearing.If that's not selfish, I don't know what is.
    Fe does impose itself over Fi, since Fi seeks to please others based on the internal value system of what's right to do in friendships, not simply socially obligatory gestures. I really do care about helping and making others happy, so it's natural to put oneself in "second place" to the needs of Fe.

    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    Anyone can be selfish. It's a subjective opinion.
    Agreed.

    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    I think that is an issue of directing and informing communication styles. Demanding something might not go over well. Informing could work well. Instead of saying, "I need you to do....", you could say, "I love when my friends buy me candies & flowers on V day". That may seem like hinting, but I think it's direct enough to communicate your needs without being pushy.

    I have a friend who told me she was big on giving/getting gifts, so I made it a point to buy her a housewarming gift & things for other occasions. Then I discovered she really only liked to get, not give :steam: .
    Well said and yes, there are plenty who love to get rather than give ...

    Quote Originally Posted by rainoneventide View Post
    I don't even know why we're debating anymore, lol.
    Look. Friends are friends. If you're my friend, that means I know you, and you know me. You're not a stranger. You're my friend. We already have some mutual caring going on.
    Because I know you, you do not have to prove that you're my friend. I trust you already.
    People are different.
    If you doubt a friendship based on a phone call, then that's an insecure friendship.
    If I knew you wouldn't call, and I knew I'd be upset if I didn't talk to you, I'd call you myself, not lay there debating whether you're a good friend or not.
    If you are normally one that will call and check up on me, and you don't, then I'll call you and ask what the hell is going on and why didn't you call me.
    Ugh.
    That's how my friendships are, anyway.

    Edit: I'm sorry if I sound offensive, I don't mean to be. Some topics get me really... flustered.
    Well said.

  4. #104
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Athenian200 View Post
    You and Lauren Ashley just sound like the worst kind of Sensors to me. It's that... heaviness. It's all about getting real, pitching in, doing things, pushing hard, or getting discounted. No room for fun, words, or a dream-oriented perspective in that definition of friendship.
    You've got to be kidding me.

    I have plenty of "fun," with my friends, but I would think that anyone considering me as a friend wouldn't see it as a burden to give me a call or reply to an email, if I was home sick. This isn't difficult in the least, and I would do the same for them if they were in that situation. If you consider this heaviness, I suggest you get off your computer and take a peek at the real world outside of the internet.

    Quote Originally Posted by Orangey View Post
    Thanks for the explanation. I guess the issue here is whether or not to make someone feel impinged upon. The expectation to do these things (e.g., get candies on special occasions, call after work, pick them up dinner every so often) will exist whether the person states them directly or not, but if they don't say them directly, then it seems like they aren't impinging upon anyone. But the truth is that they still have those expectations, and will still have bad reactions when they are not met. So why not tell them outright instead of being sly about it, putting yourself on shaky footing when you eventually get angry (because the "if you don't tell me, then how can I be expected to know" defense is hard to get around)?
    Because if you do, then you are pushy (to some people). And around and around we go...

    And to be clear, yes I personally let any expectations I have be known. That's why I'm the "diva."

  5. #105
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by heart View Post
    Most of the time me and my friends have fun but life is not always fun and one has to learn how to cram fun into even the darkest moments of life, like when your friend has broken their foot and when they feel up to it, you go over there and make a party out of a few hours of their misery. What's so awful about that?
    Well, I stated earlier that I had broken a foot as well in the past - this happened when my kids were much younger. I had the "bootie" cast and was very active the whole time. I didn't want anyone to come over, didn't need that for a broken foot issue, so I don't think it's a given that someone should know when you want company in these situations.

    Granted, I think a phone call to check in would be nice, even a little get well note. But it's an incorrect assumption to say everyone wants or expects the same things.

  6. #106
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Lauren: for some people this requires more effort than clearing their entire schedule to be there for you at your request.
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





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  7. #107
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    Lauren: for some people this requires more effort than clearing their entire schedule to be there for you at your request.
    You've got to clear your whole schedule to send a phone call or reply to an email?

  8. #108
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lauren Ashley View Post
    You've got to clear your whole schedule to send a phone call or reply to an email?
    No. You misunderstood
    It costs me more effort to remember to send that email or pick up the phone (I never know where mine is anyways), than it does to clear my entire schedule, drop what I'm doing and come over at my friends request.
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  9. #109
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    No. You misunderstood
    It costs me more effort to remember to send that email or pick up the phone (I never know where mine is anyways), than it does to clear my entire schedule, drop what I'm doing and come over at my friends request.
    Ah. I see. Well, who is complaining about you doing the latter? The issue here isn't about doing one or the other, it is about doing nothing.

  10. #110
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lauren Ashley View Post
    Ah. I see. Well, who is complaining about you doing the latter?
    Not my point
    My point is, for you it might be easy to remember to send a mail or call, even elementary as such. It's not that way for everyone. Each person has their own way to show someone they care. And they'll often do it in the way that comes most natural to them, not the one the other person expects or considers normal.
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





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