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  1. #1
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    Default I think I am a mentally unstable iNFp

    I'm not sure what I have as far as a disorder. Some DR's have said I have PTSD from childhood trauma, some have said I am Bi Polar 2, some say I have both, some say I don't have a disorder at all.

    Regardless of what is biologically true, there is one thing I do know, I am one messed up NF. I'm going through some serious family issues right now as well as friend issues and I am not handeling them very well.

    Let me paint a picture of what goes on in my head:

    Everybody I meet goes into an archive in my brain. You are categorized by and measured on what I think the perfect person is, and how you compare to these set of attributes:

    A general love for our human race
    A genuine want to progress as a species
    A non-egoic love for youself
    You don't, or try not to, participate in other peoples "games"
    You take responsability for your part of any situation, no more no less
    Humor is an important part of life for you, but you don't regard yours to be the only humor that is valid
    You value the life of any intellegent species
    You are never "Right", but sometimes you are correct
    You stand up for what you believe in
    You put heavy personal weight in correcting yourself when proven otherwise

    This is probably not a full list. But as you can see, not too many people's personalities hit this list pretty hard. But here's where my disfunction starts to creep in.

    Every person that affects my life in a positive or negative way, there face is stored in my brain. After I make some sort of life mistake, these faces come at me like a freight train, extremely fast in large numbers.

    Everyone I have ever known that has had an impact on my life is now in my mind, talking. I can't really hear what they are saying, but I can feel the emotions behind the words. So many people, so many emotions.

    The faces represent things. Like a guy named Chuck I know. He represents Skill and Prowess. My uncle Dan seems to represent Spirituallity. My mother in law Barbara, her face represents Blind Faith.

    They are all talking at the same time and I feel all their emotions. I just spent the last hour sobbing on my bed trying to get through these emotional "episodes." They are always onset by an event, usually some sort of failing on my part. The event triggers the dominos and the episode starts.

    I am feeling better now. Whatever happens to me has passed. My wife told me if she didn't know better she would have thought I had just lost a loved on in death. It is so intense.

    I think the NF in me coupled with some sort of mental issue is creating the episodes. What I wanted to know is if anyone has ever had similar experiences? I have these episodes about 2-3 times a month, but maybe 10 times a month counting the less intense ones.

  2. #2
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    Damn, you sound like you're having a tough time. dowload ventrillo, then go to the chat thread on this site and follow the steps there, then connect to chat. Get amargith into private chat, then explain yourself. She should understand. Best wishes towards your future.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by mortabunt View Post
    Damn, you sound like you're having a tough time. dowload ventrillo, then go to the chat thread on this site and follow the steps there, then connect to chat. Get amargith into private chat, then explain yourself. She should understand. Best wishes towards your future.
    I'm a bit too shy to do something like that right now

  4. #4
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    That sounds really bad... Have you considered therapy? I don't think what you're looking for can really be found on here... We can't help with PTSD or a BiPolar disorder. However you might get some intelligent opinions.

    So what do you want to do to solve this problem? How would it improve your life? Make an action plan for yourself. Tell us more and answer these questions. We know what the issue is (from your OP), but I'd say we need some questions from you to answer (that may help you, to get some input).
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    That sounds really bad... Have you considered therapy? I don't think what you're looking for can really be found on here... We can't help with PTSD or a BiPolar disorder. However you might get some intelligent opinions.

    So what do you want to do to solve this problem? How would it improve your life? Make an action plan for yourself. Tell us more and answer these questions. We know what the issue is (from your OP), but I'd say we need some questions from you to answer (that may help you, to get some input).
    I goto about 2 hours a week of therapy with a PhD Psychologist. He's very good and helps me emmensely.

    How do I want to solve this problem? Well I gotta figure out what the real problem is first. Is it because of a chemical imbalance in my brain heighting my negative experiences and onsetting these "episodes." Or is it just me allowing myself to get worked up into a frenzy and there is no real disorder behind it?

    I want to improve my life by trying to model it after that list I gave in the OP. But that is making me run into some walls. I piss a lot of peopel off because I follow that code. People think I am pretentious and condescending. When in reality, I just want to be. I want to live my life and I dont want to threaten others or be threatened by other peopels ideas. It's a delicate balance. Trying to hold to your value system while not stepping on the toes of others. I have been doing these things to the best of my abilities. But these horrible mental attacks come out of no where and without remorse.

    Do I have control over these attacks? Can I stop them before they happen, can I fight them while they are attacking? I don't know. So far they win in the short term. They bring me to my knees in tears begging for mercy in the moment, but it always passes.

  6. #6
    Senior Member MonkeyGrass's Avatar
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    I've had episodes like that when I'm experiencing chemical/hormonal imbalance. (for me pregnancy and season changes do it) My usual NF characteristics become huge, and not always accurate. I think, if I were you, I'd go be evaluated for some cyclical disorder, and see if I could find some meds to help regain balance. **hugs**
    I think I think more than you think I think.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by sabastious View Post
    They are all talking at the same time and I feel all their emotions. I just spent the last hour sobbing on my bed trying to get through these emotional "episodes." They are always onset by an event, usually some sort of failing on my part. The event triggers the dominos and the episode starts.
    Have you spoken with your therapist about what triggers these episodes? I'm not an expert but I just want to add that it might be worth discussing (with your therapist) if there are issues of guilt involved, or unrealistic expectations of having to please other people, to the point where it's stressful and overwhelming. We have similar backgrounds and similar personalities, and I have dealt with strange emotional experiences in times of great personal stress. A lot of it stemmed from guilt and trying to please people while overlooking my own health and growth. (For example, you say that people think you're pretentious and condescending. When you're misunderstood, do you feel emotionally overwhelmed, or like you've failed?)

    Just something to consider as you try to figure out what's going on. My advice is to definitely discuss with your therapist, if you haven't already! Best wishes.
    I-71%, N-80%, F-74%, P-96%

  8. #8
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    interesting...so these attacks feel as if they're coming from these people in your life...what they have said or what they would say about things going on currently...or just things from the past?

    it sounds like you have extremely high standards of behavior for yourself as well as others and trying to live up to it is crippling you...because i think it's typical for someone with high fi to judge things based on what feels "right" to them but there needs to be room for mistakes and learning...on your part as well as the acceptance of others...nobody in this world does everything right all the time...we all screw up and learn our way...nobody has the right imagined or real to make you feel bad for not doing everything perfectly...all you can do is know who you are...who you want to be...and try every day to do that....you control you ya know...no one else deserves that power so take it back.

    maybe i'm rambling...i do that...but...just let go of all that...
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  9. #9
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    I think you might have bipolar disorder, but I'm not a licenced psychiatrist, of course.

    In any event, I really think you need professional help, and I say that kindly, as I have psychological issues of my own.

    Please try to reach out to others until you can see a therapist or doctor. You don't have to go through this alone. Don't punish yourself, even if you feel bad about yourself right now. I know that's easier said then done, but shutting yourself off too much could possibly make your head issues more intense and painful.

  10. #10
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    bipolar is extreme highs and lows though right? do you have highs? or am i thinking of manic depressive?
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

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