I'm not sure what I have as far as a disorder. Some DR's have said I have PTSD from childhood trauma, some have said I am Bi Polar 2, some say I have both, some say I don't have a disorder at all.
Regardless of what is biologically true, there is one thing I do know, I am one messed up NF. I'm going through some serious family issues right now as well as friend issues and I am not handeling them very well.
Let me paint a picture of what goes on in my head:
Everybody I meet goes into an archive in my brain. You are categorized by and measured on what I think the perfect person is, and how you compare to these set of attributes:
A general love for our human race
A genuine want to progress as a species
A non-egoic love for youself
You don't, or try not to, participate in other peoples "games"
You take responsability for your part of any situation, no more no less
Humor is an important part of life for you, but you don't regard yours to be the only humor that is valid
You value the life of any intellegent species
You are never "Right", but sometimes you are correct
You stand up for what you believe in
You put heavy personal weight in correcting yourself when proven otherwise
This is probably not a full list. But as you can see, not too many people's personalities hit this list pretty hard. But here's where my disfunction starts to creep in.
Every person that affects my life in a positive or negative way, there face is stored in my brain. After I make some sort of life mistake, these faces come at me like a freight train, extremely fast in large numbers.
Everyone I have ever known that has had an impact on my life is now in my mind, talking. I can't really hear what they are saying, but I can feel the emotions behind the words. So many people, so many emotions.
The faces represent things. Like a guy named Chuck I know. He represents Skill and Prowess. My uncle Dan seems to represent Spirituallity. My mother in law Barbara, her face represents Blind Faith.
They are all talking at the same time and I feel all their emotions. I just spent the last hour sobbing on my bed trying to get through these emotional "episodes." They are always onset by an event, usually some sort of failing on my part. The event triggers the dominos and the episode starts.
I am feeling better now. Whatever happens to me has passed. My wife told me if she didn't know better she would have thought I had just lost a loved on in death. It is so intense.
I think the NF in me coupled with some sort of mental issue is creating the episodes. What I wanted to know is if anyone has ever had similar experiences? I have these episodes about 2-3 times a month, but maybe 10 times a month counting the less intense ones.