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  1. #1
    "Everything in its place" fill's Avatar
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    Default Am I Bound to Help and Never Be Helped?

    The title says it all. I've always found that I give out so much energy to help everybody, yet nobody will return the favor. This would bother me more if I didn't have the spark in me that, "everyone will help everyone if I start the trend," but the thought still depresses the hell out of me.

    Have any other NFs-- or INFJs-- ever felt this way?

  2. #2
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    I only help those that are close to me and that I trust will return the favor.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

  3. #3
    Senior Member MonkeyGrass's Avatar
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    If that's you in your avi, you're very young still, no? I've found that as I get older, I'm better and better at acquiring decent help. A lot of it is about establishing boundaries, and having the confidence to exercise the good judgment I already have in picking good friends.

    It used to be the running joke that I collect needy people. Now, not so much.

    You just have to develop your assertive side. It'll come with time.
    I think I think more than you think I think.

  4. #4
    "Everything in its place" fill's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    I only help those that are close to me and that I trust will return the favor.
    But isn't that the problem?

    I'm no person that goes out into the world and yells, "I can help anyone for free!" but if I see a person in need, I'd feel worthless if I didn't at least offer my assistance. I suppose I'm still radically introverted, as I wouldn't go so far to draw a huge amount of attention to myself just to help someone, yet I still see things and people in the world that could be great, and it kills me to see them stay the way they are. Can't somebody see me the same way?

    And, yes, I'm 18, MonkeyGrass. I suppose life is still to come, but I've learned in a few situations that people don't change much in the coming years. I've picked a handful of close friends, but all except about one or two give me materials in return for what I've doen for them, which I don't give a damn about these days.

    I yearn for affection!

  5. #5
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
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    *Looks at type*

    Yes.

  6. #6
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fill View Post
    I'm no person that goes out into the world and yells, "I can help anyone for free!" but if I see a person in need, I'd feel worthless if I didn't at least offer my assistance. I suppose I'm still radically introverted, as I wouldn't go so far to draw a huge amount of attention to myself just to help someone, yet I still see things and people in the world that could be great, and it kills me to see them stay the way they are. Can't somebody see me the same way?
    Bolded- I just don't see the world in that way. I'm a more self centered person you could say.

    As for the rest, well yeah I offer my assistance to people, but that's just me being nice. I only help people if I see them as worthy (or if I trust them), and most of this help is with their life problems like relationships and such.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

  7. #7
    Senior Member MonkeyGrass's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fill View Post

    And, yes, I'm 18, MonkeyGrass. I suppose life is still to come, but I've learned in a few situations that people don't change much in the coming years. I've picked a handful of close friends, but all except about one or two give me materials in return for what I've doen for them, which I don't give a damn about these days.

    I yearn for affection!
    See, I think this is my *favorite* part about being an INFJ. We tend to age well inside, like wine. If you can learn to hone your skills for self-insight, you'll start to see your own patterns, and gain the ability to learn from them and predict how a relationship will play out in the future. And that, m'boy, is a very helpful skill.

    You'll learn which people you can help, and which people have a hole in their bucket. You'll be able to differentiate between a "give-give" relationship, and someone who sucks the life out of you in every way. I won't lie; it's a rough road. But it's doable. You start to learn self-preservation, and how to identify people who are willing to value you and pour into you some of the time too, and that's totally essential for survival.

    Here's a logical thought to hang your hat on: if you allow yourself to be completely sapped by people who are profoundly broken, you won't have the energy to help those who can be truly helped. What's the use of having a resource/ability, if you're wasting on those who aren't going to change or listen? Much better to be a little "selfish" and discriminating, because you're going to make a bigger impact on the world in the long run.
    I think I think more than you think I think.

  8. #8
    "Everything in its place" fill's Avatar
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    That's a great way to look at it, MonkeyGrass. I'm glad you contributed your insight.

    I suppose the problem with me is what seems to be the inability to accept no-win situations, hah.

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    Yes. And I really like to help others. I can't help it. But I think it's true that INFJs can change, rather abruptly too. I was very different two years ago.

    Sometimes I think this, that I am "bound to help and never be helped" and then I feel horrible, but eventually I remember that I feel good when I help people, and if I want help I have to ask for it, because there aren't a lot of people like me that just go around helping. Most people seek help out, and I sometimes think I just expect others to see or feel that I need them, without me expressing it to them.

    Hope that made some sense.

  10. #10
    Senior Member MonkeyGrass's Avatar
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    Sometimes I think this, that I am "bound to help and never be helped" and then I feel horrible, but eventually I remember that I feel good when I help people, and if I want help I have to ask for it, because there aren't a lot of people like me that just go around helping. Most people seek help out, and I sometimes think I just expect others to see or feel that I need them, without me expressing it to them.
    Hanie-yeah, absolutely! That's my biggest hurdle: just plain old not asking for help.
    I think I think more than you think I think.

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