[NF] Am I Bound to Help and Never Be Helped?

[fill]

The title says it all. I've always found that I give out so much energy to help everybody, yet nobody will return the favor. This would bother me more if I didn't have the spark in me that, "everyone will help everyone if I start the trend," but the thought still depresses the hell out of me.

Have any other NFs-- or INFJs-- ever felt this way?

 

[BlackCat]

I only help those that are close to me and that I trust will return the favor.

 

[MonkeyGrass]

If that's you in your avi, you're very young still, no? I've found that as I get older, I'm better and better at acquiring decent help. A lot of it is about establishing boundaries, and having the confidence to exercise the good judgment I already have in picking good friends.

It used to be the running joke that I collect needy people. Now, not so much.

You just have to develop your assertive side. It'll come with time.

 

[fill]

I only help those that are close to me and that I trust will return the favor.

But isn't that the problem?

I'm no person that goes out into the world and yells, "I can help anyone for free!" but if I see a person in need, I'd feel worthless if I didn't at least offer my assistance. I suppose I'm still radically introverted, as I wouldn't go so far to draw a huge amount of attention to myself just to help someone, yet I still see things and people in the world that could be great, and it kills me to see them stay the way they are. Can't somebody see me the same way?

And, yes, I'm 18, MonkeyGrass. I suppose life is still to come, but I've learned in a few situations that people don't change much in the coming years. I've picked a handful of close friends, but all except about one or two give me materials in return for what I've doen for them, which I don't give a damn about these days.

I yearn for affection!

 

[Lauren Ashley]

*Looks at type*

Yes.

 

[BlackCat]

I'm no person that goes out into the world and yells, "I can help anyone for free!" but if I see a person in need, I'd feel worthless if I didn't at least offer my assistance. I suppose I'm still radically introverted, as I wouldn't go so far to draw a huge amount of attention to myself just to help someone, yet I still see things and people in the world that could be great, and it kills me to see them stay the way they are. Can't somebody see me the same way?

Bolded- I just don't see the world in that way. I'm a more self centered person you could say.

As for the rest, well yeah I offer my assistance to people, but that's just me being nice. I only help people if I see them as worthy (or if I trust them), and most of this help is with their life problems like relationships and such.

 

[MonkeyGrass]

And, yes, I'm 18, MonkeyGrass. I suppose life is still to come, but I've learned in a few situations that people don't change much in the coming years. I've picked a handful of close friends, but all except about one or two give me materials in return for what I've doen for them, which I don't give a damn about these days.

I yearn for affection!

See, I think this is my *favorite* part about being an INFJ. We tend to age well inside, like wine. If you can learn to hone your skills for self-insight, you'll start to see your own patterns, and gain the ability to learn from them and predict how a relationship will play out in the future. And that, m'boy, is a very helpful skill.

You'll learn which people you can help, and which people have a hole in their bucket. You'll be able to differentiate between a "give-give" relationship, and someone who sucks the life out of you in every way. I won't lie; it's a rough road. But it's doable. You start to learn self-preservation, and how to identify people who are willing to value you and pour into you some of the time too, and that's totally essential for survival.

Here's a logical thought to hang your hat on: if you allow yourself to be completely sapped by people who are profoundly broken, you won't have the energy to help those who can be truly helped. What's the use of having a resource/ability, if you're wasting on those who aren't going to change or listen? Much better to be a little "selfish" and discriminating, because you're going to make a bigger impact on the world in the long run.

 

[fill]

That's a great way to look at it, MonkeyGrass. I'm glad you contributed your insight.

I suppose the problem with me is what seems to be the inability to accept no-win situations, hah.

 

[Hanie713]

Yes. And I really like to help others. I can't help it. But I think it's true that INFJs can change, rather abruptly too. I was very different two years ago.

Sometimes I think this, that I am "bound to help and never be helped" and then I feel horrible, but eventually I remember that I feel good when I help people, and if I want help I have to ask for it, because there aren't a lot of people like me that just go around helping. Most people seek help out, and I sometimes think I just expect others to see or feel that I need them, without me expressing it to them.

Hope that made some sense.

 

[MonkeyGrass]

Sometimes I think this, that I am "bound to help and never be helped" and then I feel horrible, but eventually I remember that I feel good when I help people, and if I want help I have to ask for it, because there aren't a lot of people like me that just go around helping. Most people seek help out, and I sometimes think I just expect others to see or feel that I need them, without me expressing it to them.

Hanie-yeah, absolutely! That's my biggest hurdle: just plain old not asking for help.

 

[iwakar]

If you don't learn to accept "no win situations" in your life it will consume and destroy you. Young INFJs have an unhealthy fascination with morbid martyrdom. It's not about them, it's about you.

 

[Tiny Army]

This is a thing I have noticed NFJs do! There seems to be this unspoken tally of favours given and emotional support provided. This doesn't work, guys. I have seen this hurt SO MANY NFJs. If you expect your caring, your time and energy to be reciprocated you need to mention this before hand. You need to pull the "Well you would do this for me if I needed it, right?" card as soon as is possible because most people don't realise that this is expected of them and will get annoyed when you confront them about it.

 

[Oddly Refined]

You must learn who to reserve this kind of energy for because people will drain you given the opportunity. Barriers for this kind of giving are very important. I had a very hard time learning that lesson, but in the long run you will be disappointed less and much happier. You can't give until it hurts in order to start a trend no matter how much you think it will help. In the end you compromise yourself to a point where you can't even help yourself. If you can't help yourself then you can't help anyone. Learn to preserve yourself first. People will take advantage of you and that's another lesson yet to learn.

 

[fill]

Yes. And I really like to help others. I can't help it. But I think it's true that INFJs can change, rather abruptly too. I was very different two years ago.

That's very true. I've changed radically in the last three years.

Sometimes I think this, that I am "bound to help and never be helped" and then I feel horrible, but eventually I remember that I feel good when I help people, and if I want help I have to ask for it, because there aren't a lot of people like me that just go around helping. Most people seek help out, and I sometimes think I just expect others to see or feel that I need them, without me expressing it to them.

Exactly! You hit the nail on the head. I think I'm so obsessed with not showing emotion for fear of being denied that I have no other choice but to do a selfless act for another; we look emotionless in our acts, but that's far from what we are.

Hope that made some sense.

You've made plenty of it.

 

[thisGuy]

i'll help you regardless of if you help me or not

 

[Lauren Ashley]

This is a thing I have noticed NFJs do! There seems to be this unspoken tally of favours given and emotional support provided. This doesn't work, guys. I have seen this hurt SO MANY NFJs. If you expect your caring, your time and energy to be reciprocated you need to mention this before hand. You need to pull the "Well you would do this for me if I needed it, right?" card as soon as is possible because most people don't realise that this is expected of them and will get annoyed when you confront them about it.

It's not an actual tally, mental or otherwise. But when your relationships are lopsided on the giving, you tend to notice.

 

[Oddly Refined]

It's not an actual tally, mental or otherwise. But when your relationships are lopsided on the giving, you tend to notice.

Yes, and it's disappointing. All the more reason to be careful with your expectations and giving.

 

[BlackCat]

This could be Fe vs Fi here.

 

[Lauren Ashley]

This could be Fe vs Fi here.

Yes, it is the Fe doing the giving. Not that all those with Fe dom or aux will give, and Fi dom or aux won't give...

 

[fill]

If you don't learn to accept "no win situations" in your life it will consume and destroy you. Young INFJs have an unhealthy fascination with morbid martyrdom. It's not about them, it's about you."

I agree. I think "no win situations" is a bad phrase for what I was trying to describe; there is no "win" in life, it's simply humans perceiving achievement. What I meant to say is: I have a hard time believing that something (or someone) has the inability to be rebuilt for the good of all.

"This is a thing I have noticed NFJs do! There seems to be this unspoken tally of favours given and emotional support provided. This doesn't work, guys. I have seen this hurt SO MANY NFJs. If you expect your caring, your time and energy to be reciprocated you need to mention this before hand. You need to pull the "Well you would do this for me if I needed it, right?" card as soon as is possible because most people don't realise that this is expected of them and will get annoyed when you confront them about it."

Ah, but I think the big issue here is balance. I find it interesting that I feel as if I would do a great deed for somebody, and something as small as a heartfelt "thank you" would make it totally worth it.

"If you can't help yourself then you can't help anyone. Learn to preserve yourself first. People will take advantage of you and that's another lesson yet to learn."

This is quite true. I think I-- and maybe INFJs in general-- express my ability to work too much, so when I'm called upon to help somebody, it's for work, not a friendly conversation.