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[MBTI General] NF child and fears

alicia91

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Nov 20, 2007
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671
Would love to get a bit of feedback about my 11-year old NF son (INFJ, I believe). He is very creative, theoretical and highly imaginative. Unfortunately, his imagination sometimes frightens him and gets in the way of him being more independant. For example, he is very scared of the dark, he claims to 'relive every scary book he's ever read.' He is also disturbed by a lot of what he sees on TV- real and fiction. He saw something about a kid who set a cat on fire, and couldn't get over it for days. He also couldn't sleep at night thinking about the cat.

He's also ADHD, immature for his age and his psychiatrist has wondered if he also has some anxiety. I'm just wondering if some of these things are typical for an INFJ - or are they outside the norm.

Thanks.
Alicia
 

hommefatal

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This sounds a lot like an INFJ, yes.

E/I and J/P are influenced by personality disorders (pretending to be extroverted/social anxiety and obsessive-compulsive/[which personality disorder makes you indecisive?])

S/N and T/F are rather independent on personality disorders. Theoretical and affected by bad happenings sounds much like N and F.

ADHD sounds more like an ENFP but fear of yourself sounds much like an INFJ.
 

alicia91

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Thanks for your input but I'm not sure what you mean by E/I and J/P being influenced by personality disorders.

I did wonder about the N and F being at the root of these fears. Can these be calmed down in some way or perhaps they will diminish as he grows up and hopefully becomes more balanced. Right now though, it's certainly getting in the way of his peer relationships. He's focused on things like 'building a better world' and the other kids just want to play basketball. He's also focused on clay sculpting and teaching himself to play the trumpet when he's not worried about the world.

The ENFP ADHD kid, is a stereotype IMO (as a non-ADHD, living in a house with 3 of them). I know that there is huge controversy on this board about ADHD and personality, but my opinion is that you have ADHD in addition to being whatever MBTI type you are. It's determined these days that ADHD is a neutrotransmitter disorder (dopamine mostly) just like many disorders like depression and I think all types can have it. When your ADHD is treated (just like depression) your MBTI type will become more clear. But that's another can of worms!
 

whimsical

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When I was a kid I was definitely shyer because I would always imagine a whole bunch of possible outcomes in any given (social) situation and fear the worst would come true. My doctor called it being selectively mute. Anyhow, I'm 19 now and I have anxiety & depression, but they are not to the level that I cannot talk to anyone, actually, I am a pretty good talker if I am comfortable enough.
 

Lexicon

Temporal Mechanic
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I had a rather vivid imagination growing up, and my mom didn't really censor what I watched or read. I can definitely relate, to some degree. Anything I read turns into a film reel in my head.

I got over being afraid at a younger age, however, it probably wasn't through the most nurturing means. My mom refused to let me sleep with her if I was afraid, ever. If I refused to stay in bed, punishments would be handed down, etc. So I guess fear of the parent overtook fear of my imagination after awhile.

Not to mention, older siblings tend to tease the younger ones about this stuff.. and play tricks.. my brother definitely did. :rolli: Desensitization for the win. :D

I imagine some of your son's sensitivity will, err, balance out, with cumulative exposure to real life events, the good and the bad, and their meanings, or lack of meaning, over time. If that makes sense. Maybe it would help to talk about the concepts behind the things he sees, real or fiction. Even if you haven't read what he's been reading, maybe it'd help to ask him, next time he's upset, about what he thinks the main ideas were in the stories, and try to figure out, with him, how the particular scene that affected him fits in, and why it was important. Finding some sense of meaning, understanding, concrete or abstract, brings closure [which, J's require].

I was actually diagnosed with ADHD as well; I'm pretty sure a few INFJs on this forum have ADD or ADHD. Must be that dominant Ni and inferior Se bouncing around in there, hah. I mean.. just looking at it in terms of MBTI functions, not the imbalance of neurotransmitters [that goes unsaid].

Sometimes anxiety problems can stem from AD[H]D. It makes sense to me.. I mean.. you think of most folks with ADD as prone to 'getting carried away' in some context or another, and anxiety's all about that snowball effect. Is it being managed in any way? Through meds or regular therapy?
 

alicia91

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Very interesting replies. Thank you.

At this point he is on meds - adderall and a tiny dose of zoloft (to see if it improves his fear, anxiety etc.). He is being treated by a new child psychiatrist who specializes in ADHD and so far I'm very pleased. He's not one to just give you a drug and send you on your way. He's taking things slow and trying small doses. Over the past 18 months we have also worked with two different psychologists. What can I say? One was an INFP type who was very nice and basically told me husband and I that we were too nonchalant about his fears or worse that we didn't respect his fears enough. So we had to discuss and analyze his fears whenever they came up and steer him to solve them logically himself. Unfortunately my son got worse with this approach. Then we saw a 'behavioral psychologist' who told us the exact opposite - that we were catering to his fears and magnifying them. We were to desensitize him and use rewards for being braver and so forth. This method only resulted in him keeping his thoughts to himself!

Anyhow, I didn't want to say this but most mornings I find him curled up on my floor in a pile of blankets due to being too scared to be alone in his room at night.

I was just hoping that you NFs would give me some hope that some of this will diminish with age.

I imagine some of your son's sensitivity will, err, balance out, with cumulative exposure to real life events, the good and the bad, and their meanings, or lack of meaning, over time. If that makes sense. Maybe it would help to talk about the concepts behind the things he sees, real or fiction. Even if you haven't read what he's been reading, maybe it'd help to ask him, next time he's upset, about what he thinks the main ideas were in the stories, and try to figure out, with him, how the particular scene that affected him fits in, and why it was important. Finding some sense of meaning, understanding, concrete or abstract, brings closure [which, J's require].

Thank you - that seems like a very good way to work on it. I will try this.
 

Fidelia

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As a child I had a number of fears, which I intellectually realized were unlikely to come true, but which terrified me nonetheless. I used to have a blanket ready by my bed so that if there was a fire (our school was taking about fire safety) I could quickly lower my most important possessions out the window! I read a book about WWII and instantly became worried that it could happen again and planned what I would do if I ever had to go to a concentration camp and be separated from my family. I read a story about a Dutch family who lived near one of the dikes which broke and in the end the mother ended up dying. As a result, I was sure that whenever I was away from any of my family members, something terrible would happen in the form of a natural disaster. I used to carry things to school that would remind me of them (the rag doll my mother made, etc). We had a big campaign on not talking to strangers when I was a kid. I used to run across lawns for the half a block home because I thought that if you could stay away from where they may drive up and offer you candy, maybe you'd have a chance of getting inside one of the houses. I wanted my folks to become block parents. I knew in my head that the chances of this happening were very unlikely, my mother had several talks about how rude it was to step on other people's grass and I agreed to change, but I was too embarrassed to admit what it was that I was scared of. There was a story about the tiger that had his stripes stolen by a stranger and I felt sure that the stranger lived in our basement and would get me when I went down on an errand for my mum. I lay in bed at night as a little kid and used to think about how old my various family members would be when I was different ages and would cry about how young I might be when my siblings left home after graduation, or when my parents would die! I was afraid of the dogs on my route home. All of these were exagerrated fears that were touched off by something I read or something that could have been true.

My parents handled it very well. I didn't tell them about everything I was afraid of, because I was so embarrassed, but they used to tuck me in and I had a chance to talk about some of it and they gave me ideas of how to deal with it and didn't laugh. No matter what, do not make light if these things, because they are very real to your child! Give him as much stability in his life as you can and routine. Make sure there is downtime on a regular basis where he might have a chance to talk to you about what it is that's worrying him. Limit how much TV/computer games/video games he is playing and eliminate things that give more fodder for fear. Strengthen your relationship as much as possible in other ways and he will also get a lot of security from you and will follow the lead you give him. I grew out of it by the time I was about 10 or 12.
 

runvardh

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I'd like to know how the hell a 2-year-old can have a nightmare about his mother being turned into a robot that says it can't love him anymore...
 

Stanton Moore

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This sounds a lot like an INFJ, yes.

E/I and J/P are influenced by personality disorders (pretending to be extroverted/social anxiety and obsessive-compulsive/[which personality disorder makes you indecisive?])

S/N and T/F are rather independent on personality disorders. Theoretical and affected by bad happenings sounds much like N and F.

ADHD sounds more like an ENFP but fear of yourself sounds much like an INFJ.


Please provide a source for this information.
 

Stanton Moore

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INFP
Would love to get a bit of feedback about my 11-year old NF son (INFJ, I believe). He is very creative, theoretical and highly imaginative. Unfortunately, his imagination sometimes frightens him and gets in the way of him being more independant. For example, he is very scared of the dark, he claims to 'relive every scary book he's ever read.' He is also disturbed by a lot of what he sees on TV- real and fiction. He saw something about a kid who set a cat on fire, and couldn't get over it for days. He also couldn't sleep at night thinking about the cat.

He's also ADHD, immature for his age and his psychiatrist has wondered if he also has some anxiety. I'm just wondering if some of these things are typical for an INFJ - or are they outside the norm.

Thanks.
Alicia

He sounds like a pretty normal introverted child to me. Being scared of the dark has nothing to do with type, nor does being scared by the memory of scary thoughts or experiences.
 

Kyrielle

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Would love to get a bit of feedback about my 11-year old NF son (INFJ, I believe). He is very creative, theoretical and highly imaginative. Unfortunately, his imagination sometimes frightens him and gets in the way of him being more independant. For example, he is very scared of the dark, he claims to 'relive every scary book he's ever read.' He is also disturbed by a lot of what he sees on TV- real and fiction. He saw something about a kid who set a cat on fire, and couldn't get over it for days. He also couldn't sleep at night thinking about the cat.

He's also ADHD, immature for his age and his psychiatrist has wondered if he also has some anxiety. I'm just wondering if some of these things are typical for an INFJ - or are they outside the norm.

Thanks.
Alicia


Minus the ADHD, he sounds just like me when I was 11. :) I'm still scared of the dark (I definitely did what your son does with reliving books) and heights and clowns and many other things that frightened me as a child, mostly because I never dismissed them as nonsense. They make perfect sense to me! But, I'm not so scared now that I can't face them.

What helped me as a child was having cats. They were something known that existed in the house all the time, so that when it was empty and dark, I knew that most sounds were the cats (it was when my parents took the cats away that my fears redoubled until we got a dog). It also helped to have a brother that would go on adventures with me in the dark sometimes, so it was less scary when I had someone with me and I got to explore what I couldn't see. Having my parents help wouldn't have helped very much at all. There was something far more effective about having a friend (my brother) or an animal to go with me in times when I was scared. I think it's because I didn't have an authority figure following me around.

Anyway, it's taken me a long time to grow up in the sense that most people expect. I've always been rather self-sufficient, but socially, I've never been very independent. Your son may take a lot time to reach that point as well. I think he'll need lots of reassurance, I know I did/do! A lot of the things that are considered socially normal I question as to whether or not it's "okay" for me to do that.
 
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When my daughter kept having recurring nightmares about a scene from a children's movie, I discussed it with her and was able to relate it to underlying (unconscious) fears she had about her everyday life. This psychological approach was very helpful to her. Perhaps you could take this approach with your son- help him relate his fears from things he sees on TV or bad dreams to underlying fears that he might be experiencing from an eleven year old boy point of view. Also, with a sensitive child, I think it's extra important to make sure he is only exposed to age-appropriate material on TV and on the internet- no mtv, no Vh1, or any reality shows. The Disney channel is always great for kids. Also, no PG-13 or R movies at the theater OR at home, until they are old enough. Cutting down on exposure to upsetting things that are not appropriate for younger kids to be seeing is always a good idea, in my opinion. Also, since scary books are causing problems, I would be careful of what books are read, as well. These measures would only need to be for the next few years, giving your son time to mature a bit. I took this approach with my two children and they have turned out well. :)
 

Chloe

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May 1, 2009
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He's also ADHD, immature for his age and his psychiatrist has wondered if he also has some anxiety. I'm just wondering if some of these things are typical for an INFJ - or are they outside the norm.

why is your son going to a shrink? :huh:

all what psychiatry does is forsing people to turn into ESJs... it's disaster for little kid. and meds?
That will alone turn him into psychiatric case, doubt he was at first.

btw. I was also very fearful child, not as nuch as your son, but sinilar - I always inagined sone shadows are witches who will kill ne, or was afraid of going to toillet because i thought crocodille will cone and bite ny but, ... and all that was when i was lonely as child... so i guess what i needed then is to talk to sonebody about those fears. or yust feel loved. and that ny parents would understand ny fears and not say to ne they are "irrational" because no way i could know it then, and that's not whay kid needs to hear - nore like needs to feel protected so even if fears are rational he would feel safer.
surely not going to shrink that will give hin pills.
anyway, yust want to say there are bunch of untalented psychiatrics, i think actually 99,9% of then... so as you alredy said, they do nore danage than good, ... naybe psychologyst is better option.

It's determined these days that ADHD is a neutrotransmitter disorder (dopamine mostly) just like many disorders like depression and I think all types can have it!

Lol. No, it's not determined, it's just one theory about that - mostly incouraged by huge pharmaceutical corporations to make you buy their pills.
 

OrangeAppled

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When my daughter kept having recurring nightmares about a scene from a children's movie, I discussed it with her and was able to relate it to underlying (unconscious) fears she had about her everyday life. This psychological approach was very helpful to her. Perhaps you could take this approach with your son- help him relate his fears from things he sees on TV or bad dreams to underlying fears that he might be experiencing from an eleven year old boy point of view. Also, with a sensitive child, I think it's extra important to make sure he is only exposed to age-appropriate material on TV and on the internet- no mtv, no Vh1, or any reality shows. The Disney channel is always great for kids. Also, no PG-13 or R movies at the theater OR at home, until they are old enough. Cutting down on exposure to upsetting things that are not appropriate for younger kids to be seeing is always a good idea, in my opinion. Also, since scary books are causing problems, I would be careful of what books are read, as well. These measures would only need to be for the next few years, giving your son time to mature a bit. I took this approach with my two children and they have turned out well. :)


I agree with this, especially the part about what he is exposed to.

Even as an adult, I don't watch horror movies or the news much, because I am too easily disturbed, and I was never desensitized to violence the way some people are. As a child, I was not afraid of the dark, but I occasionally had nightmares after being exposed to "scary" things, and it could go on for several nights.

I also don't see much correlation with his issues to being an NF, outside of a very active imagination and being extra sensitive.
 

amelie

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May 23, 2009
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XNFJ
Your son sounds much like my five-year-old NF - right now, I think she is an ENFJ (with kids, it's not settled until their personality settles in.) She is bright, creative, empathic, and very sensitive. She is frequently frightened by movies and books and things that other children her age have no problem with, and when I ask her more about this, she says that she is upset that she's not able to help the person in the story. She doesn't do well with being alone - most ENFJ children do not, from what I'm reading - they tend to have dark thoughts (sorry I can't cite that source). She has trouble with any sort of punishment or having people displeased with her - even a time out is emotionally painful for her. I have had to really limit her exposure to things that are overstimulating to her, and am working with her on methods to handle her anxiety.

I think it's great that you have your son in to see someone already - they should be able to give you lots of good ideas. There are some good resources on helping anxious kids cope, Coping Cat comes to mind, and I'm sure the psychiatrist can put in touch with other ideas.

I think also, it is really important to figure out what's up with your son's fear at night and help him find ways of solving it, as I'm sure you are doing. I had some traumatic things happen to me during my childhood that led to intense fears at night, and I would lay awake feeling terrified. My parents (who were understandably exhausted with my night terrors and my infant sister) forced me to deal with my fears on my own thinking that I was being manipulative with their attention, and even at my age now in my 30's, I've never forgotten how upsetting that was and would never do that to my own children. So I would caution you to take it seriously and do whatever you have to do to find him (and you) some peace, whether that's letting him sleep with a sibling, or having a light on, or whatever, and not ever to make fun of him about it.
 

alicia91

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Thank you so much :hug:. I'm going to print this thread and read it more closely with my husband. You have all given me such great info. I know it sounds obvious but we haven't been the best at limiting his exposure to things simply because he has a 15 yo brother and 16 yo sister who do tend to watch things and bring things into the house which "E" ends up seeing out of the corner of his eye. He's also strangely drawn to highly emotional, macabre and well, inappropriate things. Then my husband (entj) thinks he's helping by desensitizing E.

why is your son going to a shrink?

Because I no longer let primary care physicians mess around with brain drugs. And because I strongly believe that ADHD is a psychatric condition. I've researched it to death and am very well read on the subject and this is what I choose to believe at this time.

most ENFJ children do not, from what I'm reading - they tend to have dark thoughts (sorry I can't cite that source).

My ENFP daughter never had an issue either.
 

Tigerlily

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I have spent most of my life afraid and it wasn't until recently that I stopped to realize that I no longer worry constantly. Our son is likely an INFP and he too worries about many things but the thing that stands out the most is death. He is only 8 years old but is thinking of this quite often. I don't freak out but calmly reassure him there is nothing to fear and that we are here for him. I think recently it's because he has taken notice of all the celebrity deaths being reported in the news.

growing up and to this day, my ISFJ mother thinks I am odd and can't understand the way I think and the honest things I tell my kids. My husband and I are upfront with them and don't believe in candy coating more than we have to so we discuss things like death (when brought up) in hopes that they will understand rather than just brushing the subject under then rug and leaving them to their own conclusions.

He will be fine because from what you've said here you love him and want him to be happy and as long as he has your love and support he will do well. Guide him towards the things he enjoys (music, art, etc). My mother never encouraged or supported me so this is extremely important to me with our kids.

Edit: i am still afraid of being alone in the dark and sleep with the hall light on. ;)
 

MonkeyGrass

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That was really typical for me at that age, yes. :yes: I developed childhood OCD as a means of coping, and wish I'd had access to counseling for it. A professional, just to help him find some healthy coping strategies, might be really helpful. Also, avoiding scary movies. :p
 

alicia91

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Oh Jen, my son had the death worry too. Actually he was really depressed when he realized that as the youngest person in our family that he 'would be the last one standing.' This caused him so my distress that I took him to the first counsellor.

BTW, I'm afraid of the dark myself and am also a worrier.

I was actually OK with it, and thought of it as just his personality until I realized that it was really holding him back and he TOLD us that he didn't want to feel worried and scared all the time.

Yesterday he asked me if I had considered doing something about my wrinkles (what wrinkles??!!) because seeing my face up close reminded him how old I was and that I wasn't likely to live much longer - and he didn't like to be reminded of that. Ok...hmm.

I developed childhood OCD as a means of coping, and wish I'd had access to counseling for it

Thanks for your input Monkeygrass. Actually, it's not anxiety that my son's psychiatrist thinks might be secondary to the ADHD but OCD. He said that having anxiety might be part of a mild OCD, but he wants to get to know him better and see how things are in August.

I just want to mention that contrary to what I just wrote my son is actually happy and well-adjusted most of the time, it's just that there is this undercurrent of worry and fear that comes out at certain times. But it's strong enough to hold him back.
 

Laurie

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My extroverted 9 year old child has serious fear issues. We went through weather for a long time, even clouds would scare her. There were many others. I had to learn ways to deal with it the best. The thing I like to stress the most is that fears are GOOD. We have them to protect us and keep us out of bad situations. Everyone just has to learn how much fear is appropriate and makes sense for the situation.

I thought we were over it but lately it's been movies. I think she doesn't even want to admit being scared anymore because it's embarassing, but I'm trying to work with her through it.

He seems to have it intensely and has other issues that may make it hard for you to realize, but it isn't totally uncommon.
 
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