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Thread: Life long INTJ Friend Lost

  1. #1

    Default Life long INTJ Friend Lost

    My relationship with my INTJ friend has been rocky the past few months so I decided to call him out of the blue today and see if I could patch things up a bit. The convo went like this:

    Me: Hey Friend(his name), it's Alex

    Friend: What's up (with a very short and pissed off tone)

    Me: Hey man, havn't talked with you in a while, just wanted to say hi

    Friend: Yeah (again, very short)

    Awkward silence

    Me: Uhhh, so how you doin?

    Friend: Look, I'm in the middle of something I gotta go.

    Me: Ok..... cya

    Hang up.

    I havn't talked to him in a good 3 months. The last few phone convos have been pretty similer, but this one was more passive agressive than usual.

    We used to joke that we have been friend since the womb because we were born only a week apart and grew up together, seriously best friends.

    It's sad because he has never came to me with the obvious issues he has with me. I know he has heard some stuff about me, but not from me, and I know his sources are pretty bias since they have major ulterior motives.

    But my main issue, is that if he wants to end the 25 year friendship, just tell me. Send me a letter or something, I think it's cowardly to just brush me off and say "he is doing something right now" or whatever. That's the kind of respect I get? That's how he wants a 25 year friendship to end? It's baffeling.

    I have tried to get information out of him, but he's not interested in talking, he's kind of made up his mind based on heresay

  2. #2
    Senior Member Array SpottingTrains's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009


    Might have better luck posting this in the NT forums if you are looking for input from INTJs.
    "That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can."

  3. #3
    Iron Maiden Array fidelia's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    1w2 so/sx


    I'm so sorry! That's really disconcerting. Go talk to the INTJs about it.

  4. #4
    HAHHAHHAH! Array INTJ123's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009


    I can't help but feel like this is a one sided story. I certainly wouldn't end a 25 year friendship over some rumors... I dunno what the whole story is, cause you don't give the details. It probably didn't help to call and be casual as if nothing is going on either(would irritate me), but my advise is to call him up and just be blunt and ask him, HEY MAN ARE WE STILL FRIENDS? see where it goes from there, if he straight up says no then well, sorry.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Array amelie's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009


    Wow - I would definitely be really hurt by that. I've heard that INTJ's can be dismissive, but they can also be straightforward about things. Do you have any idea what he might be angry about? Is there any chance that you really did catch him in the middle of something and he couldn't talk? Maybe there is something going on with him personally that he doesn't feel he can share - INTJ's can be pretty closed even with people they are close to.

    One thing that you might do is send him a text or E-mail and tell him you'd like to have some time to hang out, then just ask him what's going on and if he's okay. I suggest being careful about your wording and tone so that you don't get the dismissal again. I wouldn't assume (unless you know otherwise based on something that happened between you) that he wants to end the friendship. Just say, hey, I've missed spending time with you - you are my oldest friend or like a brother to me or whatever - and I was wondering if we can hang out or if everything is okay with you?

    That would be my thought - maybe I'll get schooled by INTJs, though...

  6. #6
    Mamma said knock you out Array Mempy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007


    I wouldn't assume he's made up his mind based on heresay, unless he tells you so himself. That suspicion, if not evidenced strongly, may just be your insecurity regarding whatever it is you think people might have to say about you behind your back.

    The way he was curt, is sounded almost as if he were mad at you. I can see no reason to intentionally be curt except that he feels you've insulted or slighted him somehow, or maybe even hurt him somehow. Maybe he's mad at the whole human race. If he's not intentionally trying to hurt you, then whatever hurt he's causing you is unintentional. And if he is hurting you intentionally, who wants a friend like that? Nothing you've done would warrant his mistreating you.

    In any case, malice or not, you deserve better than to be in what sounds like something of a one-sided friendship. A lot of the grief you're feeling over this rocky friendship is probably fear--fear of things being different from the way you liked them, fear of being alone, fear that you won't be able to find another friendship like the one you had, and fear that maybe the way this friendship is turning out reflects poorly on you as a person.

    I'd start by commenting on the behavior. "You seem kind of irritated and grouchy." He might explain himself. But if the behavior's been carrying on for a few months, it may just be time to write it off as a friendship that's somewhat broken right now. He may come around and shape up, start treating you right, he may not. In any case, you deserve better than to wait around on someone who may or may not give you the time of day, someday. There are much better possibilities and horizons out there.
    They're running just like you
    For you, and I, wooo
    So people, people, need some good ol' love

  7. #7
    On a mission Array Usehername's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007


    He seems mad and/or upset.

    He's probably waiting for you to man up and initiate a mature conversation and clear through the crap with him. Otherwise it looks like you're pussyfooting around your mistakes, and this perception he might have would reinforce the rumors he heard, making him want to sever a relationship with an immature egg.

    Call him again. Say that you know he's heard things about you, but that you need to resolve misconceptions and own up to any poor behaviour choices/lapses in whatever it was that you did to instigate the rumors. Tell him you value his character traits of maturity and respectful behaviour and you need him to show you the honor of hearing you out.

    Make sure you spit this out asap and don't be wimpy waiting for him to initiate this discussion, otherwise he'll be "busy" again and not want to chat. If I behaved that way toward a friend it would be because they were immature and not ready to own up to their behaviour (this would be my perception).

    Are you not being mature?

    Are you attempting to live your implied or stated values or are you all talk with lots of failed execution of moral behaviour?

    If he's hurt it's probably because you've failed at being a decent human being, and he's lost faith in you. Show him your decency, work through your crap, and remember that growing comes with growing pains.

    I sever relationships with friends who aren't willing to endure the growing pains that comes with growing. Who wants to be friends with a stagnant individual? They're leechy. Stagnancy in humans is actually deteriorative, if you think about it. I stay far away from that.

    Just some INTJ thoughts.
    *You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.
    *Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods.
    C.S. Lewis

  8. #8


    I wanted to be vague because I don't want to bash him. I know the story because my brother has told me how my friend feels about me, but my friend wont talk to me, despite my attempts.

    I'll give you the short story:

    My friend's wife's best bud is my sister in law, who is 19 and had an accident with my brother and got pregnent. I was the only one in the family that wasn't being fakely extatic about it because they are both unemployed and are 'barrowing' a house and car from my grandfather, then they get pregnent. I wanted to be supportive, but I'm not going to jump for joy and say it's a wonderful time, because they have serious life problems (basically homeless). I was going to be there to help them and I told my brother that, but I also told him that the timing was not the best and that it was going to complicate and make his life harder.

    Then a few weeks later she miscarried. I told my mother when it happened that I was happy(bad choice of word, I was more relieved that they didn't have to go through the stress of having a kid and being homeless). Somehow this bad choice of words got to my sister in law who was going through the emotional termoil of having a miscarriage. She basically accused me of feeding on her pain, and that fact that she was in emotional pain made me happy.

    When I heard of this I immediatly set the matter straight and told them that I was only relieved that they didn't have to have a kid right now and could wait until a better time in there life when, you know, they have a place to live and an income.

    My brother understood, but my 19 year old INFP sister-in-law wouldn't take the appology and held to the truth that I was a baby hater and wanted her to feel emotional pain.

    My sister-in-law and her friend(my friend's wife) have worked themselves into a frenzy and developed a pretty large hatred for me. And my friend has bought into this even tho the real information is out there, they wont accept it.

    I have tried to mend things, but he doesn't want a thing to do with me. If that's how it ends, that's how it ends. But I don't think it has to be this way. But he doesn't seem to want to accept the truth that I am not this hateful venomous person I am portrayed as.

  9. #9


    Quote Originally Posted by INTJ123 View Post
    I can't help but feel like this is a one sided story. I certainly wouldn't end a 25 year friendship over some rumors... I dunno what the whole story is, cause you don't give the details. It probably didn't help to call and be casual as if nothing is going on either(would irritate me), but my advise is to call him up and just be blunt and ask him, HEY MAN ARE WE STILL FRIENDS? see where it goes from there, if he straight up says no then well, sorry.
    What he did on the phone was rude and hateful.

    The truth is, if he is going to believe information from others about me when I know he has the info on how I defended myself and still doesn't accept it, then I don't want a relationship with him. It's sad really.

    I haven't talked to him in months, how do you think the first 10 seconds of the phone call is going to sound? It's gonna be some small talk until the ice is broken and I can ask him if he wants to get together to mend things. His reaction to my phonecall today is a clear indication of what he thinks of our relationship IMO.

  10. #10


    The reason this is in the NF forum is because I'm having issues dealing with this emotionally. I have never lost a friend like this before. And I am not interested in mending it anymore, that has been removed from the table. Now it's a weird grieving process that I have never felt before.

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