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  1. #11
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    I agree with the INTJ's who've said you should talk to him and be very direct, asking straight questions like, "Is there a problem between us?" or "Are we still friends?"

    We INFP's can tend to be vague or dance around the elephant in the room because we don't want to hurt people, but in my experience with INTJ's, it's best to just lay everything out and be completely blunt. They're not hurt by it. In contrast, they're annoyed when we don't get straight to the point.

    Also, this is just my opinion, but I wouldn't call his end of the phone conversation hateful. Rude, sure, but not hateful. If you want to try to patch things up with him, you might need to try to keep in mind that his way of dealing with things will probably be blunt, but don't read it as hateful just because it feels hurtful to you. We INFP's are super sensitive, and sometimes oversensitive, so it helps to try not to read too far into what INTJ's say or do.

    Good luck... Hope you guys get it resolved.
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  2. #12
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    Oh. Whoops. I wrote my post before I saw your last post about not wanting to resolve the conflict.

    This is just my advice, so take it or leave it as you like, but I think it would be a good idea to at least try to call and be direct before you give up on the whole thing. At least it would let you know exactly where things stand. If there's been miscommunication on either end, you could get it cleared up. Maybe you could even salvage your friendship. It might be worth a shot.

    If you DO decide to talk to him... think it all out first. I'd suggest even getting out a piece of paper and trying to think about your most important points. What things do you need to ask about? clear up? apologize for? I would figure out the most important points and make them into a bulleted list. Keep it short! Figure out the most concise way you can say what you need to say. We INFP's can tend to wander all over the place and bounce around with "feeling-ish" talk, and that drives the INTJ's I know completely nuts. It will probably help to think in terms of a to-the-point list of things that need to be said, if you want to communicate to him in the way he can best relate.
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  3. #13
    HAHHAHHAH! INTJ123's Avatar
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    oh now it makes sense, it's not just him then, it's his wife and his wife's BF. I think you're gonna have to try to patch things up with all of them if you want your friend back. goodluck man, 25 years is a long time don't just throw it away.

  4. #14
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    I agree that would be a silly reason for him to be upset with you, but I am guessing that this was just the straw on the camel's back and there could be other things that he's not telling you because he assumes you know.

    If his wife despises you now, he will have to keep his distance. If a man is in the position where he has to choose between his wife and a friend, he will choose his wife. That's just the way it is and the way it should be, imo. I'm sure you can wait a bit for this all to die down.

    No matter what you meant, what you said was indeed hurtful and inappropriately timed. Maybe you can start with the woman who miscarried - send her flowers and an apology letter (which you mean sincerely). When and if she forgives you, things can only then improve with all other parties. But she's the one you offended, so try to make amends with her - just because it seems like the right thing to do. She's super emotional now, so don't expect a quick forgiveness, she's probably projecting a lot of her anger on to you.

    As far as your friend, keep an open mind - he hasn't declared the friendship over, which we NTs are prone to do when it is over. Everytime I am short with someone, it's because I need space and time to think. Give him that. Be patient.

  5. #15
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    And why on earth would your mother spread such hateful gossip? It seems like she wanted someone to get hurt. If you can't confide in your own mother, you have bigger problems that you need to resolve.

  6. #16
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    INFPs tend to really, really, really want to avoid conflict. Are you sure that you are not just avoiding dealing with the whole thing (your sister-in-law, his wife and him) when you say he has acted too badly for you to carry on with the friendship? Wait a little bit before you do anything damaging. In the meantime, your s-in-law will not forgive you right away, so start working on it now, because you don't want to just forget about her and your brother. It takes a lot of guts, but I'm guessing if you asked your NT friend what all was contributing in addition to this thing, he'd tell you. And he'd probably respect you if you were able to listen and do something about it. NTs aren't terribly subjective, so it might be worth at least hearing what he has to say, whether or not the two of you carry on as friends.

  7. #17
    ish red no longer *sad* nightning's Avatar
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    Hmmm a quick clean cut leads to better and faster healing then a dragged out jagged one. In my opinion, it'll probably cause you less pain to deal with this now and resolve it as oppose to waiting. The more time you give a introverted J time to think, usually the more resistent they are to change.
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  8. #18
    Senior Member amelie's Avatar
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    My thought would be that he's stuck between you and his wife, and his wife is going to win, because he has to be on her side. While your view of things is totally understandable, it's not the most sensitive thing to say, and I agree with the above poster who says you need to make up with everyone. At least make a gesture - talk to couple directly and apologize, or send a note or something. 25 years is a long time - it will take time to make it right, but with such a long history you would think your relationship could overcome many obstacles. Everyone makes mistakes - just say to yourself that you aren't going to make that one again and realize that as obvious as your perspective seems to you, it's not always going to be seen the same by everyone else. Also, it may take time and your friend may need some distance from you in the interim; you may have to just say, well, I really value your friendship and the door is open if you every feel like hanging out again.

  9. #19
    Obsession. Lethe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sabastious View Post
    Me: Hey Friend(his name), it's Alex

    Friend: What's up (with a very short and pissed off tone)
    Just reading these two lines alone tells me that he's middle of something and would prefer to sort them out before handling another situation. (Unexpected) interruptions do not sit well with many IJs.

    Quote Originally Posted by sabastious View Post
    The reason this is in the NF forum is because I'm having issues dealing with this emotionally. I have never lost a friend like this before. And I am not interested in mending it anymore, that has been removed from the table. Now it's a weird grieving process that I have never felt before.
    A 25 year long friendship is no easy thing to get over, nor is it worth wasting.

    Sometime in the future when you feel ready to keep in touch again, how about sending him a written form (email, standard letters, etc.) of your concerns? It would provide enough time for your friend to gather his thoughts and explain his full opinions about the conflict. I would assume he has more issues to deal with than it appears.

    I agree with Jenocyde - NTs (especially NTJs) would tell you if they decide to terminate the friendship. I also think settling matters with his wife and her best friend will greatly help you repair the connection. (On a side note, IMO, it sounds terribly selfish to make your spouse choose between their BBF and yourself. I hope this is only my perception and that your friend has a solid reason for the lack of communication on his part. I find it hard to believe an IxTJ, who has devoted that much personal time into a relationship, would break it so easily over an ill-timed comment without a confrontation.)
    "I cannot expect even my own art to provide all of the answers -- only to hope it keeps asking the right questions." -- Grace Hartigan

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  10. #20
    Dhampyr Economica's Avatar
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    I have only skimmed the other replies (and actually also your OP ), but I would try asking him what the problem is in writing instead of over the phone. That way he is more likely to open up, when he is not put on the spot and having to figure out what he means as he's putting into words (or rather, when no one is hearing the first drafts). Also, frame your question as wanting to know what you might have done wrong so you can learn from it and improve yourself for future friendships (or put it out of your mind and move on if it is something you cannot change). That way you'll activate his sense of efficiency (and flatter his righteousness) to overcome his immature unwillingness to face and handle people problems.

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