[ENFP] enfp's fact or fiction

[CzeCze]

Funny Related Aside -- Falling Out

Speaking about "people not liking you and changing yourself thusly":

I had a fallling out with an ISFP who I really liked who basically said I was a crazy bitch. Not in those words, because he's a very kind hearted ISFP, but yeah. It was regarding specifically how I acted in general and more specifically how I acted towards him the last time we hung out. And you know what?

I have to agree with him!

HAAHHAAHAHAHHAHA.

With him, I just shouldn't have been around anyone that day and I was being much more immature then usual and indulging my more base emotional knee jerk reactions. I was jetlagged, sunstroked, hungry, exhausted, and had been around screaming hordes of chidlren for hours. Honestly I FELT CRAZY that day and acting thusly.

And afterwards I thought about it, and I realize that sometimes I AM JUST VERY OBNOXIOUS. Straight up. At least OTHER people -- the more faint hearted and those lacking a sense of humor and sometimes personality -- think so.

At first this bothered me intensely that something was "wrong" with me. Maybe this is an ENFP thing, but the thought that there is something "wrong" or "defective" and socially taboo about me was DEVASTATING. I'm obnoxious? DEAR GOD NOOOOOO!!!

Then I thought longer and harder about it.

I concluded the following:

1) I myself don't hold these standards that label me 'defective' and maybe not even society

2) I am who I am and the behavior that others call 'obnoxious' and even 'rude' or 'crazy' REALLY works to my benefit sometimes. I also think double standards are in play. If I were a man I'd be called 'boisterous'! And I just have to learn to be more self-aware of this tendency around certain people.

3) Conflict and friction are a part of living and humanity. It's not that people are inherently 'wrong' or 'bad', but different combinations of people and certain situations really bring out the bad vibes, bad blood, misunderstanding, and straight up DISLIKE of people's behaviors, attitudes, etc. Oh well. Why should I have to be the ONLY person in all of humanity to excoriate myself and bleach my soul of individuality and uniqueness? Forget that! Considering the number and extremes of flaws I see EVERYDAY in EVERYONE around me why can't I have a few? Right? Right? People irritate the hell out of me all the time, is not a god given right of existence the right to return the favor once in a while?? Am I right?? Am I right??

4) I honestly don't think my 'obnoxious' behavior is obnoxious - if I saw it in other people it would NOT bother me. So I'm not being hypocritical. I'm being the opposite -- very real and accepting.

5) I'm totally open to changing, in fact I WANT to be a better person. But I have to decide for myself what that means. I'm not going to ignore feedback or people's opinions of me just because they are not favorable. I am strong enough and compassionate enough not to mention mature enough to take the truth and to discern cruelty for honesty (though sometimes it's both -- OUCH).

So um...wow I totally don't know where I was leading with this.

The End.

 

[brazz]

Dom, I can totally agree with your post.

I find myself being a different person depending on who I'm around and it confuses me. I'm a different person but I'm still ME. But then who am I when I'm by myself?

Well, when I'm by myself, I miss EVERYONE. I NEED someone almost in order to have me. It's really distressing.

Of course, there are random days when I don't feel annoyed by being alone. I'll sleep or read or write or some other random junk (which someties makes me think we're secretly I's posing as E's since we want to be accepted and people tend to confront or like E's easier than I's).

But on the days when I'm alone because there's nothing better to do... argh it's painful. I keep thinking that I'm alone because everyone's at a party and they didn't invite me and it's PARANOIA. I feel irritated and depressed and annoyed, so my impression is that I'm NOTHING without people, which is, in and of itself, even more depressing.

Sometimes I see myself as a boggart type creature. When I'm around you, I mold myself into what you want to see, but I'm still essentially me. I'm just accenting a part of my personality that hides or minimizes the parts you wouldn't like. When I'm not around someone, I just don't know what to be (which is the whole "what does a boggart look like when it doesn't have a wizard to scare?).

This is a reason why I hate it when people from different social groups meet. I'm still essentially the same person, but one group will notice that I'm really more obnoxious, or cooler, or funnier, etc. when I'm around a different group. It can sometimes lead to problems, but sometimes it's led me to see that I don't have to hide a part of myself for people I thought I had to.

(This is entirely too long and filled with one too many Harry Potter references; sorry!)

 

[Vortex]

On some of the things CzeCze said: lately I've been letting myself be the things I don't think people want to see. I've let my irritation show, I've not been so pleasant and nice that I've ended up wanting to strangle myself and I've tried to take into consideration what I want instead of what everyone else wants. I'm still not sure I like dealing with people without the protection of superficial niceness.

 

[findthejake]

Just found this old comment a friend had told me. I loved it so much I emailed it to myself to keep it.
"basically jake your pretty shallow. You just like change. It makes you happy and happiness is your second priority, just below loving as many people as you can"

 

[Dom]

Just found this old comment a friend had told me. I loved it so much I emailed it to myself to keep it.
"basically jake your pretty shallow. You just like change. It makes you happy and happiness is your second priority, just below loving as many people as you can"

hehehe

The more you love, the more you can love--and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had Time Enough, he could Love all of the majority who are decent and just.

It is impossible for a man to love his wife wholeheartedly without loving all women somewhat. I suppose that the converse must be true of women

 

[niffer]

It's weird to realize that nobody else is as attention-whorey as we are. I mean, how do they function? What keeps their balance if they so not-self-oriented?

 

[CzeCze]

It's weird to realize that nobody else is as attention-whorey as we are. I mean, how do they function? What keeps their balance if they so not-self-oriented?

Haha, you said "whorey"

Seriously though, I think we're actually not that self-oriented. Or rather self-FOCUSED. We get all in a tizzy focusing on our environments and other people. And let's be honest, a lot of this outer focusing is to serve the purpose or ultimately coming back to US. Or, ME ME ME ME ME as I like to put it. Is this what yuo meant by attention-whorey?

Other types I think ARE truly inner and intrapersonally focused. I often have looked longingly at others' "I". How nice and rich it would be if I could draw sustenance and comfort mostly or solely from my inside world and *not care* so much about other people and the outside world! And I have to add, that a couple types (or maybe just people, regardless of type) really don't seem to care much about other humans and care more about animals or cars or ideas.

Dude, my brother the IN_P can literally stay inside the house for weeks save 15 minute food runs and no real human contact other than the servers, other customers, cars he encounters on said fun runs and infrequent phone calls from parents and myself.

Could I live like this? NO.

Also, my ISFP ex-friend told me he doesn't ask people a lot of personal questions because frankly he "doesn't give a fuck" (isn't he poetic? that's an ISFP for you!)

Etc.

But maybe I missing something and didn't understand your post.

 

[qazzaq]

attention-whorey ??

It's weird to realize that nobody else is as attention-whorey as we are.

What you are describing is the difference between a mature ENFP and a,..well.,.not so mature ENFP

By "mature" I don't mean in terms of age, or.. in terms of how responsible a person is , ..but in terms of "how much time has that person had to reflect upon the fact that they are ENFP ??" ... How much time have they had to realize their weaknesses and strengths and how to combat/enhance them. ??

I've known I was an ENFP for nearly 7 years, and have had a lot of time to reflect on that especially during long stretches of solidarity.

Mature ENFP's do not want or demand attention all the time ,..
sure they/we like it ..we feel really good when it's given ..(who doesn't want to be Time Magazines "Person of the year" ) ...but it's not necessary for survival or to have a good time... In fact these days I try to shy away from attention and prefer it goes to someone who deserves it/needs it more.

 

[targobelle]

see that is where I am in the middle... there are times when I just need my solitude and just to stay quiet and listen. But that is very hard to do and want at times. And there are still times when I so desperately want and need attention, to be wanted and missed and remembered. I struggle with that right now, to find the balance.

 

[qazzaq]

see that is where I am in the middle... there are times when I just need my solitude and just to stay quiet and listen. But that is very hard to do and want at times. And there are still times when I so desperately want and need attention, to be wanted and missed and remembered. I struggle with that right now, to find the balance.

I was like that once, needy for attention, but I look back on some of antics that I did for attention and I'm a little embarrassed. Randomly wearing womens clothing to my high school for fun (I'm a man) including full make-up was one of my favorites.
At the time I thought I was doing it to entertain , for the benefit of others ..but now I realize it was pure attention whoring, I wanted people to talk about me etc...

 

[targobelle]

alright I am not that extreme um no no not that extreme

 

[findthejake]

yeah see I've found alot over the last couple years that when I am with friends that I am cool with not being in the spotlight. I recognize that my stories are way cooler than most of theirs but that's just a perception of mine and I have realized that most people don't agree...lol

I am totally ok now with sitting to the side, unless I am around new people that I want to impress then I turn on the famous ENFp charm and dazzle them into loving me. It's great!

 

[qazzaq]

I have to wonder how male and female enfp's differ....

That's a great question that no-one really answered.

I would personally say that there is not much gender difference in enfp's apart from superficial stuff like the clothes we wear, the launguage we use etc...

In fact if I didn't know the sex of an online ENFP poster , and their post's never gave away obvious signs, I'd have a hard time telling who is who.

Because some of the sappiest, emotional and unbalanced ENFP's are male, and some of the most emotionally balanced and well rounded ENFP's are female!

 

[CzeCze]

Do you know a lot of ENFPs in the real world?

I've only met 1 person who was an ENFP. Or at least, a friend of mine told me she was "also" ENFP. I guess this friend of mine saw a lot of similiarities between us.

I didn't.

Do ENFP's generally like each other when they meet?

I think if my ONE experience (I think the other woman tested as ENFP, but I don't know if it was an accurate result) is indicative, that personality type is a very rough box. Or more indicative of how ME from my POV is with the world and sees and instinctually interacts with it. But from YOUR POV, perhaps it's not so helpful and gives you a lot of generalities?

Also, I think that is a point somewhat discussed on this forum but very pertinent. "Maturity" as well as "healthy/unhealthy" are very important dimensions to how personality type is expressed. And I've seen on other sites they specify more that a person can be in "relaxed" mode or "self-focused" mode regardless of how relaxed or self-focused that personality type is and that further modifies the expression of personality type.

Bringing it back to the opening sentence -- this woman in theory I liked. She was confident, humorous, outgoing, independent, successful. But in practice, something about her rubbed me the wrong way.

Perhaps two attention whorey people cannot share a room together? Perhaps as another ENFP I "saw" her in way that my ISTJ friend could not? And you know ENFP's -- if there's no intrigue we're just not as impressed.

I was in a very fragile and unhappy phase in my life, in a less mature and searching phase of my ENFP and overall personality at the time I met the other ENFP so I think maybe I also was threatened by her confidence? Or made extra uneasy that someone "like me" was around?

Anyone else here relate?

Supposedly ENFPs are supposed to get along fabulously in the real world. I wonder about that...

 

[_Ti_]

On some of the things CzeCze said: lately I've been letting myself be the things I don't think people want to see. I've let my irritation show, I've not been so pleasant and nice that I've ended up wanting to strangle myself and I've tried to take into consideration what I want instead of what everyone else wants. I'm still not sure I like dealing with people without the protection of superficial niceness.

Totally! This is happening to me, and I don't quite know what to think of it, or why I suddenly get irritated when I'm put upon, when every time before I just sat and took it, sometimes smiling as if to say, I can handle it, burden me with more of your BS, please!
And now I just want to tell people where they can stick it.

I don't know if I like this. It's probably better for me, but it feels worse.
*sigh* the contradiction

 

[niffer]

We get all in a tizzy focusing on our environments and other people. And let's be honest, a lot of this outer focusing is to serve the purpose or ultimately coming back to US. Or, ME ME ME ME ME as I like to put it. Is this what yuo meant by attention-whorey?

Yes, this is exactly what I meant.

 

[_Ti_]

Being an NF and being madly deeply in love with an NT can be really crappy.
That whole conflict between knowing what I know, and feeling something contradictory to what I know, is just not cool.
And trying to get the NT to understand that yes I KNOW but I still FEEL this other way
is frustrating
And of course, the NT waits until his emotions have settled to make decisions while I make my decisions BASED on emotions.
Ugh.
And I need attention, hate needing attention. He's an INTP.
Driving me insane.
sorry about the rant

 

[arcticangel02]

Do ENFP's generally like each other when they meet?

I've never met another ENFP (well, I may have, but I wasn't aware of it). Thus, this is all pure speculation. Fun!

But I would expect that getting along/not getting along would largely have to do with, yeah, variations between ENFPs. Say an 'immature' and very extraverted ENFP was placed in a room with someone just the same - I expect they would irritate each other and try and compete for attention rather than get along. But tone the Es down a little and add a little maturity, and once they aren't competing with each other, they'd probably get on fine?

Or perhaps opposites (say, someone with very strong F and someone else with borderline F/T) would relate less well than two with similar levels?

Okay, I'll stop guessing now.

I personally find it fascinating when I can talk to someone who totally understands me and is exactly on the same wavelength - so I think another ENFP would have a bit of an advantage on that front.

Plus, you guys sound so cool. I'm sure we'd totally get along in real life!

 

[arcticangel02]

Ti,

Is there something about INTPs and ENFPs? For some reason those two types just seem to gravitate towards each other...

My best friend is an INTP, and we balance each other out really well. Though I'm not sure I'd really want to get into a relationship with someone like her. The way she deals with problems... I would not want to be on the other end.

 

[Usehername]

Ti,

Is there something about INTPs and ENFPs? For some reason those two types just seem to gravitate towards each other...

My best friend is an INTP, and we balance each other out really well. Though I'm not sure I'd really want to get into a relationship with someone like her. The way she deals with problems... I would not want to be on the other end.

yes. INTPs, ENFPs fuel each other like INTJ and ENFJs do. It's the dominant function of one being the auxiliary of the other, or so goes the MBTIc theory.