[ENFP] enfp's fact or fiction

[findthejake]

I would say I am mostly a "beach bum" type of person but I think that is because I don't like stress at all. It hurts too much so I tend to avoid it.

But when life gets stressful, like it is now, I definitely tense up alot and the muscles get tight.

 

[arcticangel02]

I would say I am mostly a "beach bum" type of person but I think that is because I don't like stress at all. It hurts too much so I tend to avoid it.

But when life gets stressful, like it is now, I definitely tense up alot and the muscles get tight.

See, I dunno. I don't seem to even get stressed. The worst I get is a sort of queasy/butterflies feeling. (I think. I am not often in truly stressful situations, either, so perhaps I just haven't recognised that in myself.)

*shrugs, and offers a de-stress massage?*

 

[CzeCze]

Confidence & Queasiness

Confidence is both how others read you and how you feel internally. As long as others think we are confident, for all intensive purpose we really "are" confident. Everyone has their shortcomings and 'pain points' that others may not readily see and even the most confident people lack confidence in certain areas. That's why you have life coaches and achievement coaches and corporate excellence seminars. Some people are really confident about their abilities at work but totally not confidence talking to the opposite sex or on the dance floor, some people are confident workign with their hands, etc.

ENFPs are pretty confident dealing with other people and are orientated to want to BE with and recognized and help the world -- and generally that's the standard definition of 'confidence'

I think with ENFPs we have high internal standards and hang our hats on how beat ourselves up about how RIGHT we feel with ourselves, which is something that no matter how much people say they like and appreciate us, it's an internal thing that we have to deal with. So internally, we'll always have these insecure points, but that doesnt' necessarily mean that we're not "confident". We're just not nearly as confident as others read us or tell us we should be.

And for my 2 cents, even though I did list a lot of inner neuroses and fears that I have that I'm not being authentic or meeting expectations -- I'm actually quite confident about being myself, succeeding, and being with the world. I absolutely no problems being aggro and ridiculous and having people openly and quitely energeticaly disagree with me. Some of it is natural, I love arguing a point and being totally objective I rarely takes things personally. Some of it though is NOT a ''natural" state of being -- I was a huge huge mess in adolescence and even my family admits I should have been on medication (I really thikn I needed good cognitive therapy) but they're so old school it would have been 'shaming' to get me help (BTW, thanks mom and dad).

So my confidence in adulthood comes from many years of hard, hard, hard work, lots of painfully embarassing humiliating dark dark episodes and YEARS of repetitive working through fears to get over myself. And also desensitization -- b/c after X years trying to make the best impression on people you realize sometimes you can't really do much about people not liking you and it's not nearly as devastating as you first thought and you are too busy enjoying life to have it register. I don't like to think I 'failed' but succeeded in acknowleding reality adjusting myself accordingly to be successful. Because if you bang your head against a wall for long enough you realize a) the wall is always going to be there and b) it's always going to hurt to bang your head and most importantly c) your goal is NOT to make yourself like hitting your head against the wall, it is something else entirely and your mistake was losing sight of that and confusing it with hitting yourself against the wall. Then you take up a new hobby and find much happiness.

Doing the internal work alone has given me immense confidence. I've picked myself up so many times and made myself grit my teeth and do things I really did not want to do i.e. expose my naked raw screaming self to world to the point I would hyperventilate and I came out in the end a much better, stronger, and happier person.

It's like going on the most grueling diet to come out 20 pounds lighter at the other end. It's the fact you succesfully disciplined yourself (the investment) and not necessarily the weight loss (the side effect/pay off) which makes you confident. So now even as I'm gaining some weight back, I know I can and will take it off again when I need to so it doesn't bother me. With anxiety and lack of/confidence, the crux is if you don't care if you have it or not, then you will NOT have anxiety and you WILL have confidence. Repetition really helps a lot and getting to the point where at the beginning of an undertaking you say "Oh yeah, been here done that, I know I only average 80/100 but hey it's still 80/100 in the bag I know exactly what I'm doing so let's do it" and you're in your confident zone and with a little extra effort you can push yourself to be a little better and shine a little brighter each time.

Does that make sense?

Random thought - ENFPs are possibly the most laid-back neurotics out there. I'm incredibly laid back and regularly get tight shoulders and worked up internally. I also walk way too fast to the point I look funny because I'm always in a rush to get somewhere to do a whole lot of nothing. HA HA AH HA.

 

[Vortex]

I always feel the need to keep the first impression that I give. For example, I feel ashamed and disappointed when I turn in a project to a teacher who I highly respect and who expects the best from me. My boss loves me, but I feel like it's because I molded my personality into what HE wanted to see during our interview. I AM like that, but only when I have certain people around me.

I have a problem with authority. I respect it (like following the laws, abiding by rules) but I hate it when someone tells me to do something. It's a bit childish, but I hate feeling like someone has authority over me. I've gotten into many arguments with my dad (who, like me, is a Leo and a Horse [Chinese zodiac] and is King of Wands whereas I am the Page of Wands [tarot]; I wouldn't be surprised if he were an ENFP as well) about doing something stupid like folding the clothes or putting something away or something.

It was something I would have easily done if he asked nicely. But demanding it just frustrates me.

Um.. Reading all this, I had so much to say, but I can't remember any of it.

Oh! Headaches. I get them all the time. And I'm always so tense (mostly my shoulders and neck). Whenever I'm in pain though, I always forget to get medicine. I don't even think about it. I'm in pain and I sort of sit through it. Someone has to suggest Advil before I even think of it. Is this true with anyone else? Or is this stretching it?

I wonder how much of our personality has to do with ourselves and the influences outside of us.

I've got the same sort of problems with authorities and I'm also in pain most of the time - not from headaches though. I don't want to take medication or painkillers, so I usually forget about it, but I've decided that's it's okay for me to take something once in a while

 

[Vortex]

And CzeCze; thank you for that incredibly inspirational post above.

 

[LIND]

Originally posted by CzeCze:
I'm on the T/F cusp and when I scored higher on the T,

Same here...

Originally posted by findthejake:
"see I am not a party animal..."

Me neither, or at least when I used to act crazy it wasn't because of drinking. Actually I've never had a beer in my whole life, no alcohol beverages for me, or anything within that realm...never smoked anything either. My wildness consisted of weird behavior, in which the use of reason was absent, or if reason was present in any way, well then it was manipulating the situation to make it entertaining.

 

[shen]

have I told you all that my heart is blistering? Yeah it is.

hey, ive had a thought,i really hope it works out well for you jake all the best. hope that helps.

 

[findthejake]

Thanks! The whole messed up story is in the "Any INFJ girls..." thread. Check it out for a dramatic read!

I love being me but sometimes I wish I had more patience with people. And I can't lay around all the time. I love being chill but I need to be chill with others, even when people exhaust me, I only need like a day by myself in nature and even then I would prefer a fire full of friends to hike back to.

 

[CzeCze]

And CzeCze; thank you for that incredibly inspirational post above.

Aw shucks, just doing my job.



Hee hee.

 

[hotmale]

And CzeCze; thank you for that incredibly inspirational post above.

Agreed. That was a wicked post. Honest, direct, real.

 

[Dom]

As an ENFP one of the most inspirational and motivational things was realising it. All that crazy self depreciating neuroses?

So many people do not understand what it is like... knowing one thing but feeling another...

ENFPs have a huge and I mean huge amount of Ne, and that leads to assumptions or acceptance of the possibility of the existence of certain possibilities... Now it does not matter how amazing the positive version or alternative, of the possible outcome of any serious or sensitive situation maybe, it is the worst and most negative that we cling too...

It's not that we believe it is true, we are not J's, just that we know the possibility exists, and that it is what we fear the most, and so gets the most attention.

What grates on me, is that i know this and recognise that I a) do it and b) seem powerless to prevent it... Tonight i spent a few hours in a bar, i was in a social situation, and i loved it like any good enfp would, I'm British in America and am happy to be extraordinary for something as arbitrary as an accent. In other words, they love me, i spoke to loads of people, people came just to be with me, i have numbers, (not that i remember them or keep them anyway, I'm not after that I'm happy with the one who already holds my heart) but I'm a centre of social activity, a centre I've always wanted to be...

However, despite massive evidence against the hypothesis, I still feel like i was a burden on my friends, that they would have more fun if i hadn't been there, that i dominated their social evening for my own egotistical means....

And I believe it...

And I know it's balls...

It is the strangest thing to know it is only my paranoid head working to my own disadvantage, but it is still almost unstoppable...

being ENFP is so far to sum up, we are such a bundle of different opinions, results, contradictions. and i think that is the crux, we contradict ourselves, yet somehow, that contradiction is who we really are and not what we contradict or what we replace it with...

a more real example, I love attention and acceptance, i adore acceptance and for people to really love the real me, but although i seem to bend or alter to gain that acceptance, when i get it that way i know i bent to get it that it isn't really me they've accepted. It's more an accept me for who i am, but if you wont, I'll do this or that so we can get along... but i know you didn't... and damn it I am and will still be ME!

We cannot say we don't care what others think, we really really do, but we can say that we don't change much because of it, even if we appear too. As I said a dichotomy, a contradiction, we do care and we don't, we want to be accepted but changing to get acceptance is unacceptable.

 

[findthejake]

I don't know man. I didn't see much of me in your post. I find myself rarely bending to suit other people's needs, I am thejake man and thejake abides!

I also have a very positive outlook most of the time, well I mean I guess...lol
I think that the world spins and will continue to spin with or without me so I gotta make the best of the time I have, that being said I am NOT a bar or party guy. I can't stand them and they make me uncomfortable most of the time. HOWEVER, when I am traveling abroad I am totally into the bar scene, mostly I think for the girls and the attention.

Here in the states though the only time I like drinking is if I am chilling on a beach or especially by a fire.

I feel like I took my "fit-all" mask off a couple years ago and what I found beneath was me, the same me that the whole time I thought was fake. I figured out I wasn't fake, I was just believing some things that I wouldn't believe...if that makes sense.

So now like I said, I am thejake. All the time. If someone doesn't like it, well that's kind of too bad for them cause I am awesome. lol...
Seriously though when I find myself changing for others, I tend to catch myself pretty quick now, at least quick for an ENFP. Still takes me a week or two... haha...

 

[targobelle]

Jake you remind me of an entp I know.......

Dom I understand what you're saying......

 

[findthejake]

Hey now! Don't be calling me mean names!

 

[targobelle]

entp's aren't mean....... they are just selfish and in denial about it

 

[findthejake]

But I am not denying anything! I am a total narcissistic punk! That's no lie!

It can't be helped though, in fact I don't think I'd want it to be helped... I have a hard enough time believing I'm as cool as I am!

 

[targobelle]

hhhmmmmm you are an interesting person. I suppose there are variants with enfps giving our extreme desire for acceptance. When I met my husband I was masking as an eXfj no wonder he was so attracted to me. *sigh* now 14 1/2 yrs later I am an enfp for real and um..... yeah life is what you make of it.

 

[findthejake]

I gotta love who I am... I am so different and strange that if I wasn't ok with me I would go nuts.

Seriously though I just project all this. I am insecure, that's why I hate bars and parties.

 

[targobelle]

yes insecure I am.... I on the other hand hate me.... yeah I do, maybe if I were like Dom and I learned how to just accept that I am an enfp I would be better. UGH damn emotional roller coaster

 

[CzeCze]

We cannot say we don't care what others think, we really really do, but we can say that we don't change much because of it, even if we appear too. As I said a dichotomy, a contradiction, we do care and we don't, we want to be accepted but changing to get acceptance is unacceptable.

That hits it on the head. I abosolutely CARE SO MUCH about what people think. Falling in lines with knowing or 'feeling' how people tick, I want to know their honest opinions of me. Why?

1) I am an attention whore, me, me, me, me, ME! (hahahaha) And these opinions are used to gauge mentally where I stand in the world, where I stand with individual people, and also as a mirror. Perhaps I'll work on something if I need to and perhaps I'll just pat myself on the back if it's positive feedback.

2) I just have that insatiable curiousity, it drives my brother nuts (who strangely, tested as INFP or INTP) He tells me to shut it basically so he can drive/watch tv/play computer in peace. I just wanna know what is in the world, I want to flesh out the full color and contours of where I live and see the blind spots and the hidden.

And honestly, if people don't like or treat me mean (I've written about this elsewhere) it can KILL me! Like Jake's confusion -- why don't you like me??? I'm AWESOME!!! I figure it's due to misunderstanding or agendas that I just don't fit with.

But the crux is, and this is neurotic -- even though it really bothers me that someone doesn't like me for X -- I'm still most likely not going to change. Because I don't want to. It's a principle thing, but also, well, frankly I like me.

For certain purposes, I'll go chamoleon (apparently ENFPs are genius at this) to lube the wheels of social and other interaction, but I know I'm "on" and I think others also do (like at a party or job or networking or meeting so's parents). This is socially accepted 'fakery'. Nobody expects you to shlep your way to your boss's house for dinner in day old sweats and smelly hair. Entire books are written about 'how to make a great first impression and get that corner office'. ENFPs are just naturallymore gifted at this.

Bottom line: unless something about my personality or habits is dangerous or harmful or unecessarily hurtful to someone else, I'll continue being me. I can modify of course around certain people or situations, but that's just being human. There is that fine line between "being yourself" and "matching the mood and occasion" which is a cornerstone of civility and proper socialization.