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Thread: ENFJ & INFP

  1. #151
    Senior Member JivinJeffJones's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Thessaly View Post
    What is the point in staying loyal to a clearly expired relationship when you have something new and exciting waiting for you? I thought you guys were all about self improvement and reaching your potentials...not refusing to move on? *sighs*
    I think it'd have to have been a pretty shallow emotional commitment for a J to be able to move on quickly and be excited about it. Not the sort of guy you'd be wanting to date, I suspect. Think of it a bit like a widower who has recently lost his wife. The commitment is over, there's absolutely nothing stopping him from moving on. But it takes a period of adjustment before he'd be able to start dating again without feeling like he was cheating on his wife. To say nothing of lingering grief. Obviously that's a bit of an extreme example, but the principle is similar.

    Sorry, I haven't actually read all of the thread - it's pretty long. So I may be missing vital info.

    Edit: I think trying to hurry him through the process he's undergoing is probably the easiest and quickest way to become The Rebound Girl. It's been fairly extensively argued already on this forum, but I personally don't believe guys have a "friend zone" for girls they find attractive. So that's not really something you need to worry about imo.

  2. #152
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JivinJeffJones View Post
    Sorry, I haven't actually read all of the thread - it's pretty long. So I may be missing vital info.
    He initiated things with her. If he wasn't ready, then it's been unfair of him to pursue her (and use that infamous ENFJ charm to win her over ). Apparently, he was quite relentless at first. Now that she's developing an attachment, he's trying to back up. I think she has a right to be annoyed.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  3. #153
    Senior Member JivinJeffJones's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    He initiated things with her. If he wasn't ready, then it's been unfair of him to pursue her (and use that infamous ENFJ charm to win her over ). Apparently, he was quite relentless at first. Now that she's developing an attachment, he's trying to back up. I think she has a right to be annoyed.
    Hmm well I guess that's a bit different then. I guess maybe he thought he could and found out he couldn't. Don't mind me - I'm too lazy to do the background reading tonight.

  4. #154
    Senior Member ENFJ_Catholic's Avatar
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    FWIW, we do have "back-up" moments... it's not rational. Unfortunate really. We do want to jump. Give him a little more time.
    "In the end it is not a matter of reason; it is a matter of love." - St. Thomas More

  5. #155
    I drink your milkshake. Thessaly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    He initiated things with her. If he wasn't ready, then it's been unfair of him to pursue her (and use that infamous ENFJ charm to win her over ). Apparently, he was quite relentless at first. Now that she's developing an attachment, he's trying to back up. I think she has a right to be annoyed.
    Thank-you OrangeAppled. I thought I was beginning a really fun and exciting romantic adventure and now a 360 has been pulled and all that jumping around really meant he wanted to "take things slow" W.T.F.

    Yeah, I'm annoyed. I'll see how things go when I see him next. He is a pretty amazing guy and that is the only reason I'm willing to go through this crap.

    The INFP in me wants to nurse him back to health, but the INFP in me has already put enough energy into broken people and finds this situation unfair. Stop finding me broken people! It's too hard for me to fight my messiah complex!

  6. #156
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Thessaly View Post
    lol Hmm....well I'm not one to be in a relationship because I'm lonely. I'm not particularly thrilled when I am single, but I don't think it creates any major tension in my life. To be honest I am probably more comfortable on my own, but I am just so damn romantic and dreamy lol. It's an interesting dynamic I have going on. I don't like anything that threatens my independence and mysterious allure, but I have an incredible capacity to love and become wrapped up in making emotional connections.

    I am not on the rebound or caught up on any of my exes. I am remarkably good at seeking closure and extinguishing feelings for exes when we part. Perhaps this is why I do not understand this ENFJ. What is the point in staying loyal to a clearly expired relationship when you have something new and exciting waiting for you? I thought you guys were all about self improvement and reaching your potentials; not this refusing to move on. *sighs*
    Self-improvement is a big driver, yes. I suppose the inability to move on is part of that action - we see something as a giant failure and spend ages trying to pick through the wreckage and make sense of it. Probably a compulsion that may never find it's way to the nearest exit.

    I'm a little embarrassed to say that it took years for me to get over my eNTP and ISTP. I would sit around rationalizing what happened, trying to make it hurt less, trying to assign blame or praise to where it made the most "sense". I went out with another guy knowing deep down I was still hung up on the ISTP and it really took a toll on me. The more I was trying to put myself out there, thinking I was being stupid and needed to just "get over it", the more I resented anyone touching me, looking at me, being anywhere near me in a romantic manner because they weren't HIM. In fact, it was a long conversation I had with the eNTP that brought me around finally. I was able to move on from there, and had something amazing with the eNTP.

    Granted, it took me a long to get over him, too.

    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    He initiated things with her. If he wasn't ready, then it's been unfair of him to pursue her (and use that infamous ENFJ charm to win her over ). Apparently, he was quite relentless at first. Now that she's developing an attachment, he's trying to back up. I think she has a right to be annoyed.
    Yeah. Not cool. He shouldn't be doing that.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
    Neutral Good
    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  7. #157
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    i've been twisted with 3 or 4 enfj's so far. one of them cried after reading the enfj description since i guess the description highlighted some of characteristics of her that she felt made her an asshole (being 'manipulative' or whatever) and made her sort of rethink some things she had done in the months prior. i was a little unprepared by this kind of reaction but i told her i accepted for she was and not some type description.

    feels pretty likely to me that i'll end up with an enfj but i tend not to always be where they're located

  8. #158
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    I'm coming in pretty late, but I can't help but comment. I have been dating an ENFJ for over a year and a half, and I have to say, it really is a great match. Should we ever part, he's set the bar quite high for any future suitors.

    Much of what has been said of ENFJs is true of my boyfriend-- immense generosity, the smothering thing (though for me, it was exactly what I needed at the time)the romantic gestures, as well as the "slow to open up" issue. He did open up, and has continued to do so, but in the early days when were getting to know each other, I found myself mulling over our conversations later that night, and realizing he'd divulged little bits here and there, but it was very difficult to get a competent picture. Now though, that's not really the case-- but perhaps that is because I've collected so many pieces of the puzzle over the time we've been together.

    In regards to the romantic gestures, some have suggested that they seemed insincere, but in my case, that was never a problem. I'm not sure if its all ENFJs or just him, but he has an... adorably inept sort of way about him when he does, so the unpracticed air detracts from any suspicions of insincerity.

    Thessaly-- in recent posts, you have been frustrated with him pulling back. I actually experienced this with my boyfriend. However, at the time, I mistakenly attributed it as him responding to my reservations, so I wasn't quite as aware and upset as you are now. Apparently, his last girlfriend had really hurt him, and when we met, he was NOT ready for a relationship. However, our mutual attraction must have been apparent even from the moon, and it came to the point where we either had to make it a Relationship, or part ways. Many times since, I've felt bad, wondering if I pushed him into it, and he has repeatedly told me that yes, somewhat, but he needed that push. Shortly after, we split for a time (as mentioned, I misinterpreted the reasons, but it recently came out it was out of fear) but we continued as friends, and the relationship easily came back together with little effort.

    So, to sum up my convoluted story, perhaps continue as friends, and do the healing thing, and he will be more amenable to a relationship. Granted, as an INFP, I would say that, wouldn't I?


    Also, someone asked whether INFPs and ENFJs tend to hurt each other often, because they are so thin skinned-- in my experience, no. The conciliatory nature (and the NF understanding of people) wins out. Anything that COULD possibly be hurtful, isn't, because it's either proceeded with a "I am saying this to be honest and help you, not to hurt" or followed with a sorry, if its not meant, and responded to with an "I trust you wouldn't hurt me" or an "I know you didn't mean that to be hurtful." I suppose a pair that wasn't as in tune with their intuitive side or more given to drama could plausibly have that problem.

    And... I believe I've finished my novella...
    Last edited by Casssita; 06-29-2009 at 09:16 PM.

  9. #159
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Great post, and welcome to the board, Cassita!
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
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    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  10. #160
    I drink your milkshake. Thessaly's Avatar
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    Thanks Casssita. I've sort of lost the adrenaline now of a new relationship and am stepping back to let him do his thing now. If we keep seeing each other cool, if we remain friends cool. I think I've learned to just keep my wall up a bit longer with the seemingly more sincere. Basically I'm throwing myself pity parties all week long.

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