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  1. #51
    failure to thrive AphroditeGoneAwry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nightning View Post
    This I don't agree with. I have high standards for myself. I'm always questioning whether I'm "good enough" because it never feels like I am. For people in general though I'm a great deal more slack. The only exception being whom I open up to. But that's only because I see them like myself, and therefore I apply standards for myself to them.
    here is that infj thing about using language loosely, in that i pull a word that means what i know it means for me, and assuming you will understand what i mean (or hope).

    i don't mean standard as in 'good enough' here. i mean it like you described, as in having the same values and principles. for example, being open-minded is one of my big ones. and i agree with you, i really don't ever think i'm doing enough or living up to my full potential. cuz i'm not. i dig people who are alive and different and foibled, like me.
    Ni/Ti/Fe/Si
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    ~Torah observant, Christ inspired~
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    The more one loves God, the more it is that having nothing in the world means everything, and the less one loves God, the more it is that having everything in the world means nothing.

    Do not resist an evil person, but to him who strikes you on the one cheek, offer also the other. ~Matthew 5:39

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  2. #52
    failure to thrive AphroditeGoneAwry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Immaculate Cloud View Post
    @aphrodite

    Hi Aphrodite, another infj here. Reading your post today reminds me a bit of my own IRL ENFP. I doubt it had anything to do with what you said. Some other person tickled your friend's fancy and off the frisky puppy runs after that new bone!

    I've learned that if I wanted to keep this INFJ-ENFP friendship alive, to take it neither too seriously nor too personally and to take it real slow. The ENFP will NEVER be lacking for friends and invitations and will always be off to some great adventure. Then, sure enough he/she will come back to tell you all about it if he/she likes you enough. Prepare to be entertained or prepare to be jealous, depending...Chances are he/she will have told half a dozen people about it already! So, if you want to be that special person in their lives, forget it. They have half a dozen if not more 'special persons' supposedly 'contributing to their personal growth', etc, etc or being their special audience, bleh.

    Take the friendship lightly and slowly enough and he/she will pull you along on the next adventure/trip. You'd get to tap into that spontaneous side of you that rarely comes out. Start getting jealous and miffed and your ENFP backs off and you're the poorer for it. Anything that looks like control or confronting them with their fickleness is a turn-off.

    Yes, it sometimes feel like we're just teddy bears to be taken out only when the ENFP wants comfort or to have a sounding board for personal issues. Be prepared to have a HUGE heart and an easy-going manner for those big kids! It's up to you to decide whether you think they are worth it or emotionally TOO high-maintenance. You'll get disconcerted by how much of them is 'public' when so much of you is 'private'. A side of them never grows up. I know for a fact. I got two IRL ENFP and do they take lots of emotional energy! One is retired and my own kin and the other is about my age.

    So on those off-days when they are happily exploring other friendships and running after this and that, be very GRATEFUL and take the time to RECHARGE. Soon enough they'll come looking for their rock of stability ! (and don't we make good listeners!)... Again the best recipe to NOT feel taken for granted or irritated is to listen with half an ear...

    As for them losing interest in you and finding our quieter selves rather dull, never fear. They are attracted to brainy types and INFJ can be brainy. Don't we have many layers (like they say)? Just don't hurry too much in showing them all!!! Learn to make your mysterious side work for you. Also, watch them perk up when suddenly some day you reveal some hidden side of yours after they thought they had you all figured out! They may even complain that they tell you 'so much but you never do'... Take it very slow would be my advice. If they seem to open up fully, don't reciprocate as much. Open up only half-way! NOTHING about themselves is taboo. They self-disclose things that you would blush disclosing! So don't think that when they are opening up, it is such a big deal. They do that with lots of other people, you'd be surprised. But they want all their listeners 'to keep mum about it' (!?)...

    Although they seem fickle, they do give you their full attention when they are with you and are storing it up. Careful with those secrets or those quirks. Next time you confront them about something, they will use it against you. Then you'll feel hurt and mope that in this friendship/relationship you're the one who likes/loves/gives more... And that cannot be proven.

    Lest I have offended the ENFPs reading this, let me hurry to say that every time I think that I love my ENFPs dearly, both my kin and my friend. But I am not blind and I can see the areas where I have had to work to make the relationship/friendship work. If I had to wait for my butterflies to get grounded, I'd wait forever! So fire on, I am sticking by what I just wrote! Yes there are times when I wonder whether it is really worth it. But then, I have put in a lot of work (emotional energy and all ) in it and don't like to give up on something I have worked on inasmuch as it depends on me.

    And oh, Aphrodite, invest of yourself a bit more in some kind of rewarding work, so as to have LESS time for those ENFP. Bury yourself in some work. That always helps next time you feel a bit moody and miffed towards your ENFP and you know that airing it out will not work with these borderline narcissists. Sorry dear, I am really tired, lot of work you know... That should do the trick. Get them to learn to PLAN a bit more some time with you instead of all those impromptu visits and phone calls late at night or first thing in the morning.

    Would I doorslam an ENFP? Maybe... I think that I'd tip-toe out of their lives rather than make a big doorslam. Not to spoil their party. I once took a sabbatical from the friendship and it was hardly noticed... That's just to say how tenuous any friendship can be, early days or not...

    Good luck Aphrodite.
    wow, cloud! you are like an enfp expert! i can only imagine the amount of effort you have put into those relationships. it really shows.

    thanks. i wonder if maybe the challenge of me was almost what made her try so so so hard to befriend me. then when i started coming around, she backed off a bit. maybe it was the challenge of befriending and getting close to me that she likes the most.?

    you are so right about them using you for a listening/sounding board. totally that. yet, she's surprised me cuz she really does listen to me also, more than it would appear.

    my new way of thinking about relationships, since they can be so hard to begin, maintain, and keep healthy, is that maybe instead of having friends, we (infj) should seek experiences or adventures or just live in the moment. for example, instead of putting all my energy in to one person and trying to make that one person meet many of my friendship needs, just ask myself, what acquaintance can i go eat sushi with? or who would i like to ask to camp with us? then you don't have to be so invested in one person, or a few chosen people. would that work?

    probably not, huh? haha. i'd rather camp alone or eat sushi alone than with an acquaintance. i've tried it. it's not much fun at all for me.

    there's just no escaping infjness.
    Ni/Ti/Fe/Si
    4w5 5w4 1w9
    ~Torah observant, Christ inspired~
    Life Path 11

    The more one loves God, the more it is that having nothing in the world means everything, and the less one loves God, the more it is that having everything in the world means nothing.

    Do not resist an evil person, but to him who strikes you on the one cheek, offer also the other. ~Matthew 5:39

    songofmary.wordpress.com


  3. #53
    Badoom~ Skyward's Avatar
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    Seems that many INFJs don't recognize other INFJs because they have refined their outer shell enough to be seen as something different. An INFJ I'm still mentally swooning over (Her family is a reclusive bunch, lots of IJs in that one), was popular just because she did -everything- better than everyone else (at least, as far as art and grades were concerned).

    My Intuition pinged a few times the first year a knew her and then pinged hard the second year when I got to work with her in one of our school plays. There's another INFJ that was there too. She was more open (She was home-schooled and that may have led to a softer outer shell, also had 5-6 siblings. Your extraversion needs to be stronger in that kind of environment) but had stricter parents (:steam

    Really, I think it's how you proceed with Acceptance vs Testing. An environment thing, too. The first one was much more introverted than the second. INFJs DO want to connect with people, but since reality has knocked them/us down more than once, we build a defense grid. Mine is active and cold, like icicles. If I don't like you, you'll know it if you try to interact with me. An ENTP was irritating me by debating every little point our teacher was making and I called him out on it. I knew he was only doing it for attention, that was how he was.

    Quote Originally Posted by aphrodite-gone-awry View Post
    ...

    my new way of thinking about relationships, since they can be so hard to begin, maintain, and keep healthy, is that maybe instead of having friends, we (infj) should seek experiences or adventures or just live in the moment. for example, instead of putting all my energy in to one person and trying to make that one person meet many of my friendship needs, just ask myself, what acquaintance can i go eat sushi with? or who would i like to ask to camp with us? then you don't have to be so invested in one person, or a few chosen people. would that work?

    probably not, huh? haha. i'd rather camp alone or eat sushi alone than with an acquaintance. i've tried it. it's not much fun at all for me.

    there's just no escaping infjness.
    I'm thankful I can enjoy phone conversations, well, with my INTP friend at least. We construct weird ideas and situations and the like. My other friends are a little bit farther, an ISFP I know I just hang out with and play Halo, but not too often, and my ENFP friend, well, he's busy with his other friends (Including the first INFJ up there! :steam. I do have a great INFJ friend... who lives in British Columbia
    'Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.' - Marilyn Monroe

    This is who I am, escapist, paradise-seeker.
    -Nightwish

    Anthropology Major out of Hamline University. St. Paul, Minnesota.

  4. #54
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    [QUOTE=i'm realizing now too that one of the greatest challenges in the life of an nf is revealing his/her true self. [/QUOTE]

    I've been with my BF for 10 years. He's pretty good and knowing some of my likes and dislikes, how I'm going to react to certain things, etc. but there's been a couple of occasions when he's said "I know exactly how you think, I know you so well" and I've come back with "no, you really don't." It's the truth, he really doesn't know me. The closest thing to a heart-to-heart is when we have a fight, which is very seldom, it seems that is when I'm most likely to tell him what I really feel about something.

    Most people aren't that interesting to me, I have to connect with their authenticity, their creativity, or their humor. If I sense any pretense in people (which is right away), I don't even bother with them. Loud people, chatty people, I don't go near. People who are opinionated...no.

    Casual friendships aren't too interesting for me, and I don't meet my kind of people too often. I seldom initiate friendships. Needless to say, I don't have many friends.

  5. #55
    Badoom~ Skyward's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lillyofthevalley View Post
    I've been with my BF for 10 years. He's pretty good and knowing some of my likes and dislikes, how I'm going to react to certain things, etc. but there's been a couple of occasions when he's said "I know exactly how you think, I know you so well" and I've come back with "no, you really don't." It's the truth, he really doesn't know me. The closest thing to a heart-to-heart is when we have a fight, which is very seldom, it seems that is when I'm most likely to tell him what I really feel about something.

    Most people aren't that interesting to me, I have to connect with their authenticity, their creativity, or their humor. If I sense any pretense in people (which is right away), I don't even bother with them. Loud people, chatty people, I don't go near. People who are opinionated...no.

    Casual friendships aren't too interesting for me, and I don't meet my kind of people too often. I seldom initiate friendships. Needless to say, I don't have many friends.
    Sounds about right. I find that people who think they know me are probably the highest on my 'stay away from' list. People who are genuinely interested in who I am, though, are nice, but they still have to run the gauntlet.
    'Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.' - Marilyn Monroe

    This is who I am, escapist, paradise-seeker.
    -Nightwish

    Anthropology Major out of Hamline University. St. Paul, Minnesota.

  6. #56
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    you are so right about them using you for a listening/sounding board. totally that. yet, she's surprised me cuz she really does listen to me also, more than it would appear.

    Yea and from to time you'll see their global thinking come out too, which is something that both INFJ and ENFP seem to share and you get to appreciate them for it. They can put aside their silly facade and you'll see them get all serious and VERY analytical. Watch out when you tell them about some issue and they try to understand it and start asking very very probing questions. You'd be surprised and it'll challenge your own thinking and make you look at things from a different perspective. Perhaps not on the spot but later when you've mulled it over. They are very bright and quick-witted and interesting people, on the whole.

    my new way of thinking about relationships, since they can be so hard to begin, maintain, and keep healthy, is that maybe instead of having friends, we (infj) should seek experiences or adventures or just live in the moment. for example, instead of putting all my energy in to one person and trying to make that one person meet many of my friendship needs, just ask myself, what acquaintance can i go eat sushi with? or who would i like to ask to camp with us? then you don't have to be so invested in one person, or a few chosen people. would that work?

    Yea don't be so invested in one person.. Diversify and don't be so quick in putting people into the friend category so fast. Keep them a bit longer in the acquaintance category...Learn some detachment.

    probably not, huh? haha. i'd rather camp alone or eat sushi alone than with an acquaintance. i've tried it. it's not much fun at all for me.



    there's just no escaping infjness.


    Agree, but we get to be comfortable in our own skin after a while. And next time your ENFP friend has a heartbreak, she'll wish she were like you, rock solid...Be prepared to give lots of hugs!

  7. #57
    FRACTALICIOUS phobik's Avatar
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    :546::smiley_violin:

  8. #58
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    Quote Originally Posted by aphrodite-gone-awry View Post
    my new way of thinking about relationships, since they can be so hard to begin, maintain, and keep healthy, is that maybe instead of having friends, we (infj) should seek experiences or adventures or just live in the moment. for example, instead of putting all my energy in to one person and trying to make that one person meet many of my friendship needs, just ask myself, what acquaintance can i go eat sushi with? or who would i like to ask to camp with us? then you don't have to be so invested in one person, or a few chosen people. would that work?

    probably not, huh? haha. i'd rather camp alone or eat sushi alone than with an acquaintance. i've tried it. it's not much fun at all for me.

    there's just no escaping infjness.
    Get out of my brain! Just kidding I've been having the exact same thoughts for a few years now. And they recently surfaced again. And I've also reached that same conclusion. I can't stand casual acquaintances for too long. It's too shallow and sterile. I want something more! It's all or nothing!!!

  9. #59
    Senior Member Lightyear's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sky is BLUE! View Post
    Get out of my brain! Just kidding I've been having the exact same thoughts for a few years now. And they recently surfaced again. And I've also reached that same conclusion. I can't stand casual acquaintances for too long. It's too shallow and sterile. I want something more! It's all or nothing!!!
    Awww, yes!

    We should start a club or something "Non-superficial Relationships United" or something. Must think of a more catchy name.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lightyear View Post
    Awww, yes!

    We should start a club or something "Non-superficial Relationships United" or something. Must think of a more catchy name.
    Don't we already have one of those - "INFJ"? Some say it's something exclusive...

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