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  1. #11
    nevermore lane777's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MonkeyGrass View Post
    Mostly, we have limited emotional reserve as far as extending ourselves in the direction of other people goes. If we can see that a relationship isn't going to play out well in the future, we're not so likely to spend ourselves on that relationship. It's just a matter of energy conservation, really.
    +1
    To die would be an awfully big adventure - Peter Pan

    INFJ ~ 4w5 sp/sx ~ RLOAI ~ Inclusion e/w=1/0 (Melancholy Compulsive) Control: e/w=0/6 (Supine) Affection: e/w=4/0 (Phlegmatic Melancholy)

  2. #12
    Senior Member Silent Stars's Avatar
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    uhhh....I don't have this problem.
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  3. #13
    Senior Member MonkeyGrass's Avatar
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    INFJs don't really see it as a problem with keeping ppl out, as much as actively letting the right people in.

  4. #14
    Senior Member Silent Stars's Avatar
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    As long as a person actually shows interest, I can talk to them about really anything. I'm naturally a very trusting and open person.
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  5. #15
    failure to thrive AphroditeGoneAwry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    It is the same with people. INFJs very rarely spend a lot of time on anything that doesn't matter to them quite a bit in some way. They have a stronger need than many types to have the approval of those they are very close to. They want very badly for other people to understand them. The things they do and like are closely tied up with who they are at their very core. If there is rejection or disinterest in any of the things or people that they spend time with and which matter to them, it feels like a direct rejection of them. So, they will only share what you follow up on and show an interest in and they will also gauge your reaction before showing you more. Perhaps other types care less deeply about some of their opinions and pursuits (eg playing volleyball for fun or throwing out an opinion just to see how it sounds or stir up a debate) and so they are more able to detach themselves when others do not respond the way they might hope.
    this description makes me want to share what is going on with me currently with an acquaintance/friend of mine who, i suspect, wants to be my good friend. she is an enfp and quite a bit younger than me. we are in the same career, so she sorta looks up to me in a lot of ways, which is kinda weird, but whatever. i immediately took a liking to her cuz we are both zany in the same ways and have a lot in common. it wasn't hard for me to be myself around her (myself that most people see, and maybe a little deeper). i don't have too much time on my hands for new friends, but a close friend of mine has sorta distanced herself cuz of some hard stuff she's going through, so there was a void in my life a little bit, in the friend department. new girl was fun and i enjoyed meeting and getting to know someone new. i felt like the makings for a super good friendship were there.

    however. as we started hanging out more, some things started happening that were contrary to how i'd like a friendship to go. for one thing, she was always inviting other mutual friends around when we had a date to get together (the more, the merrier in her mind). so, i was at the point where i wanted to sorta go deeper with her, to get to know her better and to share more about myself, but i couldn't really because others were always around. strike 1. then when i could test the waters with sharing more deeply, she'd kinda listen/kinda not. she always just wanted to talk about our careers or some silly subject. it didn't take more than one or two attempts for me to quit trying. strike 2. after this happened, i realized the desire sort of left me for trying to get closer to her, because i felt like my attempts at sharing more about myself were met with insincerity. if i can't get closer, i really don't desire to try to get together much, cuz what's the point? i don't work with her. i don't live near her. and i wasn't able to get close enough to her when i tried to really want to pursue the friendship.

    now she's still trying to be my friend. wants to be on the inner circle, like saying things about camping together and going to my new fav pub together, going to the lake together, and i agree with her when she says this stuff cuz i WANT to WANT to, but i realize down inside me she didn't really pass my tests, not that they are conscious tests, but when given the opportunity to discuss something important to me, she wasn't interested. finally, when she tries to call and i have my kids say i'm unavailable (because i am unavailable) she gets pissy when i call her back and says, "i'm unavailable right now," in a snotty tone mocking me (and this has happened several times). strike 3. if she can't understand my space issues, and respect them, there really is no way i can be really good friends with her.
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  6. #16
    Member invaderzim's Avatar
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    INfjs tend to enjoy playing the neutral position. By wearing the "mask" no one likes or dislikes you. You can just blend and conserve your energy.
    If some was to describe me (that didn't know how I really am) they'd be like "umm she's nice, u know". And this is perfect because they think that's my real personality. They don't see any thing from my outward actions that indictates otherwise.
    It takes so much energy to observe people, filter and analyze everything you experience, and then think about how this changes your view on life.
    By maintaining a wall, an Infj can avoid need less personality clashes until they're sure they click with the person. Why waste energy on a person that will never approve of you?
    I think some INFJs might be use to analyzing people but get geniunely freaked out when the tables are turned. And being closer to people means that they get to analyze and observe you more.
    However, most people think my personality is so vapid they don't bother getting closer but everyone still likes me. So I can be included without anyone knowing me but I understand them.
    I'm friends with an ENXP and the funny thing is that he immediately started picking up on that parts of my "act" didn't add up and started probing. Freak.

    I guess, what I am really trying to get at here, is how can I let her know that it is okay to reveal herself to me? I suspect the answer may be letting her come to me on her own, and to really prove to her that I care.
    Well, you might be able to flush her out by putting words in her mouth. "I know you were thinking this? I bet you were like (some emotion) because...."
    But this could back fire because if u assume something that offenses her, she might go : :steam: and doorslam you.

    Or if you're dead accurate she might go: :blushing: :yim_rolling_on_the_
    and then u know ur onto her.

  7. #17
    nevermore lane777's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by invaderzim View Post
    I think some INFJs might be use to analyzing people but get genuinely freaked out when the tables are turned.
    I've actually thought about how unfair this is.

    Yep.

    To die would be an awfully big adventure - Peter Pan

    INFJ ~ 4w5 sp/sx ~ RLOAI ~ Inclusion e/w=1/0 (Melancholy Compulsive) Control: e/w=0/6 (Supine) Affection: e/w=4/0 (Phlegmatic Melancholy)

  8. #18
    Senior Member MrME's Avatar
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    If there are any people in your life that you need to vent about, vent to your INFJ friend. I've only noticed this recently, but if a friend or a co-worker vents to me about how this person or that person wronged them in some way, I'm immediately interested in the entire story. Afterward, I will start to feel a little more comfortable about said venter. Just remember that it has to be real venting, not created. If you fake it, it'll probably backfire. So, wait until a real problem arises and seek her for a *little* emotional support.

    It's not really a shortcut, but it may help some.
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  9. #19
    Senior Member Scarfism's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by YoungGun2112 View Post
    This has been puzzling me lately with an INFJ, I have started to hang around. It is like she layers herself up like an onion, and peeling back the layers is impossible because she always knows the right thing to say.

    I am just curious why INFJs tend to have these problems. What is it that keeps them from letting others close? Is it a tendency to not believe that people care enough to be let close? Or fear of scaring the other person away with who they are? Or are you all just so passionate about things you see yourself as too close to your heart to pass out?

    I guess, what I am really trying to get at here, is how can I let her know that it is okay to reveal herself to me? I suspect the answer may be letting her come to me on her own, and to really prove to her that I care.

    But, what do the INFJs think? : )
    That applies to me, I'd say. Unfortunately I cannot pinpoint exactly how you could make her let you in, but I do know that once you do that one thing that triggers a light switch, you are in.

  10. #20
    Member Saffronsocks's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MonkeyGrass View Post
    nozflubber- eh, selfish, but selfish like foxes. ;OP It'd be silly to waste limited energy on a relationship that wasn't going to really be beneficial, when you could be spending it on someone you click with better. I've noticed in myself in the past (and other young INFJs) that we tend to pick up needy people out of a sense of emotional duty, and then end up utterly spent ourselves with no real friends to lean on. The other person can be convinced we're bestest best friends, and the INFJ is sitting there inwardly groaning over the fact that they really aren't compatible. Learning to chose friends carefully (making sure the relationship benefits the other person AND ourselves) is kind of key to not going off the deep end emotionally.
    *nods*
    I've had this happen in the past, and I count it as a bit of maturity that I can objectively drawn boundaries in new relationships now that I know are going to be draining or disorienting down the line. I used to rush headlong into escapades with anyone flashy and fun, and offer too much intimacy so that it was hard for me to "take back" the amount of myself I'd already given. So I had to be on call for someone I really didn't technically like, which is SO DRAINING. The energy factor is a very real thing...

    I tend to also be acutely aware of how close relationships restructure my immediate reality, so I make sure that only the finest grade of humanity gets that amount of influence. A Fe run rampant maybe, but to some extent I think this is true... you become your crowd.

    I'm also sensitive as a live wire when it comes to almost anything... so it takes a special kind of person to navigate the electricity.
    Even people I've known forever can still send off a system fritz and I'll need to be alone for a while... I can't even fathom what it would be like to have a huge circle of friends with a phone ringing all the time... aaaaack, torture!

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