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  1. #11
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    I should clarify that I can get over personal, unresolved conflicts as long as I no longer have to deal with that person much. If it's just a dislike on both sides, then I can ignore it pretty easily. It may bother me at first if I feel a a sense of injustice, but I will calm down quickly. Maybe if I run into them I will feel some discomfort, but otherwise, I cannot control everything, and so I put it out of mind.

    However, there are some conflicts that cannot be avoided and must be dealt with head on. Let's say you're going through a divorce (which I am not, haha), then you have to resolve certain things legally. It must be taken care of. During that time when things have yet to be resolved, I can only imagine the anxiety.

    I'm in the process of closing some matters and it's a massive headache. I know I will not resolve the personal conflict, and I don't care, but it's just getting to the point where I don't have to deal with this person anymore.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  2. #12
    movin melodies kiddykat's Avatar
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    i dislike unresolved conflicts as well, and try to make peace soon as something starts. I don't like the thought of leaving a problem open/unresolved.. but, I also know that it's about respect.

    If the person I'm dealing with flatout doesn't care or respect me for whatever reasons, even if I try to talk it out, if that is how they feel/perceive things, I can't help it but to let it be.

    Then there are circumstances in which people are dealing with a lot of emotional pain of their own, and it's best to let them be. Sometimes, if the other person doesn't want closure, then there isn't anything we can do but to let go and wish them the best of luck..

    Really depends. Overall, I like to resolve things right then and there, because you never know when it's the last time you'll ever speak to that person again. Life to me is about living, breathing happiness/love with those around me, in order to be content. Sounds emo, but that's how I work.

  3. #13
    Senior Member scortia's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    About the worst thing another person could do is to ignore verbal or written attempts to get enough information to shed light on the problem or to resolve it.
    THIS! I had a horrible friend that I tolerated for way longer than I should have. When it got to a breaking point, and after I had made small kind nudges about problems numerous times before, I wrote her a huge letter about the problem. She ignored me... after about a week or two I essentially blew up publicly (online since this is a distant friend) to our entire group because she had been a bad friend all around and I couldn't take it anymore. It was just... the sheer selfishness and injustice of the entire situation that ate at me. Better yet, half of my friends sided with her despite her obvious situations where she used people. Really, the fact that this whole situation was so unjust and she didn't get a faceful of karma, that's what bothered me.

    I could sleep and things like that, I'm more a fighter than a crier, but my disposition was pretty negative until well over a year later when we finally started to ignore each other completely... FINALLY. It was so spiteful and I never want to have that happen again. I've never had more than 2 falling out moments because I am very tolerant... but there are certain traits in a person that I just can't tolerate. It just hurts my code of ethics.

  4. #14
    Artisan Conquerer Halla74's Avatar
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    I don't like loose ends. If I need closure about anything, I go and make it happen at the first opportunity. If the other party is not willing to meet me half way in doing so in a polite but assertive matter, that is fine, I will state my case and closing arguments and agree to disagree and move on. If that is as far as I can make it go, then that is OK, I did my part, and I am free of any associated baggage.

  5. #15
    Senior Member The Third Rider's Avatar
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    It annoys me because I don't know where I stand with the other person and frankly it does not leave my head until it's resolved.
    ENFJ 3W4

    If you read this I am sorry to say that you just lost 5 seconds of your life that you wont be getting back.*

    *Actual time may vary.

  6. #16
    Member Saffronsocks's Avatar
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    Unresolved conflict doesn't bother me all that much... should it? People either like me or they don't.

    On the other hand... getting completely cut out of someone's life with no explanation can send me for a bit of a tailspin (I'll avoid sleep, cause that usually just means lying in bed tense as a gopher, just TWITCHING every so often, not fun, haha). But that's only if things have been severed with no chance of communication. If I know I'll have a chance to talk later when things have smoothed over I can generally shrug off conflict.

  7. #17
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Nope, most specifically I'm talking about the kind of conflict with those who are nearest and dearest to you. How does it impact you, and what do you do when your attempts to improve the situation do not work? And how do you end up reconciling those severed without explanation and no hope of communication situations? I'm interested in the completely different reactions of us to NTs and SJs on this. I started threads in both of their forums too. I didn't for the SP people because I am unlikely to be really close to any SPs at this time and I don't know many well enough to observe it much.

    I'm also curious whether each of the NF varieties do anything differently.

  8. #18
    Member Saffronsocks's Avatar
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    I guess the only person I get in conflict with regularly who I'd call close and dear is my mother... and then it's usually after a stressful phone conversation, which results in a phone slam, shortness of breath, inability to concentrate and SUDDEN mood nosedive with feelings of guilt, that might not turn around until someone else manages to perk me up with fresh wave of conflict-free communication.

    Nonverbal conflict with classmates can just stuff me way further into my shell so I get a little bit bitter and totally removed from the communal reality. Lost in space, a bit, cause at least there nobody's trying to pick me apart. *sigh*

    As for reconnecting dropped connections, I've not managed to do this. I reconcile it into my world view by noticing that some people set themselves up for relationships that eventually disintegrate and I don't take it personally. (my own ideal is once a friend, always so, even if we're not in contact, but hey, that's just me)

    I also am completely incapable of walking away from a fight.

  9. #19
    Senior Member amelie's Avatar
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    When I'm in conflict with someone close to me, it is very disruptive. I feel it physically - I have no energy and I just feel drained all the time. Cognitively, I just can't stop trying to process it and I tend to want to check perceptions with my trusted advisors to make sure that I've done everything possible to resolve the situation, and to help analyze my role in the problem. I need to know that I have done as much as I can not to hurt anyone else, and I need someone else to listen to my take what I think every party's perspective and motivations might be so that I can fully analyze the situation (read: obsess endlessly.) In a major conflict, it can take me literally months of ruminating to resolve it within myself, assuming that it couldn't be resolved with the other person. Emotionally, I just feel sad, anxious, and drained.

  10. #20
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    It depends on the person, really. If I don't have a really close connection, sometimes it's a good thing for them to drift on away.. out of sight out of mind. I would try to find some resolve if they wanted it, but I've been in the situation where the person just needed to go, so I let her and found peace in that.

    If it's someone I really care about a lot, it might never leave me and I may think of that person every day. I have one guy in particular who still comes to mind. He just shut me out one day after a very intense exchange. I asked if everything was fine, because I thought we had reached some understanding and wanted to make sure it was mutual, but apparently it wasn't. He just never answered any of my texts, calls, emails again. I waited for about 4 monthes after it ended and sent him an email. I never got a response from him, other than a quick "hey what's your number" email reply. I've gone through every emotion I can think of, but I still waiver between anger and desire to see him again. It's sickening to me, actually, to think he still pops into my head. But then, he never gave me that closure I needed to be able to place him firmly in a category. It will always be open ended and I unfortunately can't hate him no matter how much of an asshole he is for shutting me out in such a way.


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