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  1. #1
    Senior Member rainoneventide's Avatar
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    Default Yeah, they hate me.

    This is going to sound really dumb, but I literally automatically assume people dislike me. Even when they don't act like they dislike me, I have this pervasive feeling that they're just playing along with me and in reality they can't wait to escape. I always feel like I'm talking too much, or I'm too quiet. I'm afraid that a person will think I'm mean when I'm really not mean at all, or I'm afraid they'll think I'm too excitable and annoying, or that I'm dull to be around, or I'm full of myself, etc. etc. etc.

    I always say to myself that I don't care about other people's opinions, but the truth is I do, a lot.

    It sucks because these feelings cause me to distance myself from others, which I'm sure people can pick up on, and that causes loads of misunderstandings. It causes me to become distrustful of people and judge them before I even know them, when in reality I'm really interested in and like most people, despite our differences. Lots of conflicting emotions.

    Is this a common feeling for other NF's?
    Does anyone have advise on how to handle this... condition?
    "So I say, live and let live. Thatís my motto. Live and let live.
    Anyone who canít go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker."
    - George Carlin

  2. #2
    Queen hunter Virtual ghost's Avatar
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    I will be blunt.

    Why do you care what other think to such a degree ?

    Ok you have feeling.
    But why those feelings have to channeled this way?

    Maybe I will be able to help you.

  3. #3
    Senior Member rainoneventide's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Antisocial one View Post
    I will be blunt.

    Why do you care what other think to such a degree ?

    Ok you have feeling.
    But why those feelings have to channeled this way?
    Ugh, good question, I honestly ask myself that every day.
    It probably has to do with the way I was raised, and now it's like a really hard habit to break out of or something.
    "So I say, live and let live. Thatís my motto. Live and let live.
    Anyone who canít go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker."
    - George Carlin

  4. #4
    @.~*virinańČo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Having gone through the same sort of feelings in my life (and eventually working through them cognitively), yeah, it's pretty hard -- you have to modify your entire framework of looking at yourself.

    Right now you are being hypervigilant and trying to imagine the negative ways in which others might look at you... but in a sense it's really like you're projecting your criticism/suspicions of yourself onto everyone around you.

    Reality is that, unless you're quite the jerk, chances are that many people like you and don't even notice the negatives you do... or you do sometimes goof up but they like you and just chalk it up to being human. and as you can perceive, your self-criticisms you are projecting on them can easily foster them to do the same to you for real... they'll get exasperated and then criticize you for real, and this will be used as justification for persevering in your self-critical mindset.

    The general goal is to stop being hypervigilant and become non-self-conscious. Getting there can be quite the ride, although positive experiences with others help... and also seeing the good in yourself, and learning to accept any shortcomings you have. You might have to lessen your expectations for yourself to always be interesting, kind, sensitive, etc., so then you stop monitoring yourself so strongly. It is like you are attached to an image of yourself you cannot emulate so then you can castigate yourself or fear that others will reject you.

    Just some ideas... coming from my experience with it in myself.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    ‚ÄúPleasure to me is wonder‚ÄĒthe unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.‚ÄĚ ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  5. #5
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    I easily feel that way when criticised but it disappears soon.

  6. #6
    That chalkboard guy Matthew_Z's Avatar
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    I'm not an NF, but I have a few thoughts:

    Realize that most actually don't dislike you. In my experience, people will generally be as accepting of you as you are of them.

    My advice is to tap into your emotions and follow the one you feel speaks the most truth to you. If you're anything like my INFP friend, you feel a lot of confliction. Just learn to know how to use your feelings. They're your ally.
    If a deaf INFP falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

  7. #7
    Queen hunter Virtual ghost's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rainoneventide View Post
    Ugh, good question, I honestly ask myself that every day.
    It probably has to do with the way I was raised, and now it's like a really hard habit to break out of or something.
    The reason why your thread is interesting to me is because of the fact I am rated as insensitive in most cases.


    Seriously how introverted are you ?


    I ask since if you are introvrted by a large degree and raised to need people you will inevitably have strong inner confilct. What will probably make you insecure. What in the end will cause what you have right now.
    So you are always in closed circle. Which is because depression will make you more introverted and increase your sense of failing at socializing.


    Or you are simply too sensitive.

  8. #8
    #005645 phthalocyanine's Avatar
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    INFPs seem to have a hard time letting go of what they perceive others' judgments of them to be, whether these are true or not.. i think it's because we are so openly questioning that we are prone to doubt/dissect almost anything (especially ourselves, and especially if we are without sufficient positive reinforcement from others)..

    perhaps your nervousness is apparent and it is that that people are picking up on and reacting to with discomfort - nothing about your personality or as a person on the inside, but simply a conditional mental or emotional state that leaves people uncertain of what to do or how to respond. on the one hand, as an I, you appear reserved and perhaps content with being aloof/distant/alone...but on the other, as an F, you may appear emotionally sensitive and socially oriented as well. this can be a confusing pair of traits to other types.

    INFPs are great socialisers if they are not getting caught up in their own internal dialogues.. but if they are, which is likely a result of nervousness or discomfort, they can come off as kind of strange and jittery to others..which can be perceived as being anywhere from harmlessly odd to confoundingly uncomfortable, depending on the other person..

    the good news here is that it isn't you that people don't like (how could they if you aren't putting anything much out there - they don't know you and you are withdrawing from the chance, often times, as you said)....it's the feeling of ambiguity that puts them off..this is especially true for SJs. lots of people need clear cut indications of where they stand with someone (so as to assume a proper role) before they open themselves to really interacting with them..

    try not to judge the present moment based upon negative past experiences or future-minded, idealised projections and you will be able to see its value more clearly.

    forget about all the possibilities of how or what others may be thinking about you and focus on how you feel about yourself independent of others. i am sure you can agree that once you feel comfortable, your positive traits come out and you suddenly feel likeable and sociable again.. INFPs sometimes deny the good in themselves, but if you encountered another person with the same traits as yourself i bet you'd be nowhere near as judgmental or condemning of them as you can be with yourself..

    sorry if this is sort of jumbled..i hope it made some sense!

  9. #9
    Protocol Droid Athenian200's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rainoneventide View Post
    This is going to sound really dumb, but I literally automatically assume people dislike me. Even when they don't act like they dislike me, I have this pervasive feeling that they're just playing along with me and in reality they can't wait to escape. I always feel like I'm talking too much, or I'm too quiet. I'm afraid that a person will think I'm mean when I'm really not mean at all, or I'm afraid they'll think I'm too excitable and annoying, or that I'm dull to be around, or I'm full of myself, etc. etc. etc.

    I always say to myself that I don't care about other people's opinions, but the truth is I do, a lot.

    It sucks because these feelings cause me to distance myself from others, which I'm sure people can pick up on, and that causes loads of misunderstandings. It causes me to become distrustful of people and judge them before I even know them, when in reality I'm really interested in and like most people, despite our differences. Lots of conflicting emotions.

    Is this a common feeling for other NF's?
    Does anyone have advise on how to handle this... condition?
    I've always been like that, too. So I think it's pretty common.

    I don't have any advice for you, though. I'm still struggling with it myself. Sorry I couldn't be more help.

  10. #10
    Senior Member rainoneventide's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    The general goal is to stop being hypervigilant and become non-self-conscious. Getting there can be quite the ride, although positive experiences with others help... and also seeing the good in yourself, and learning to accept any shortcomings you have. You might have to lessen your expectations for yourself to always be interesting, kind, sensitive, etc., so then you stop monitoring yourself so strongly. It is like you are attached to an image of yourself you cannot emulate so then you can castigate yourself or fear that others will reject you.

    Just some ideas... coming from my experience with it in myself.
    Thank you, that helps a lot. Now that I think about it, I do have very high expectations for myself, but they just make me feel even more self-conscious.

    Quote Originally Posted by Matthew_Z View Post
    My advice is to tap into your emotions and follow the one you feel speaks the most truth to you. If you're anything like my INFP friend, you feel a lot of confliction. Just learn to know how to use your feelings. They're your ally.
    My feelings definitely have a strong hold on my actions, but I've never fully tried actually embracing and trusting them. I think that would definitely make things a ton easier.

    Quote Originally Posted by Antisocial one View Post
    The reason why your thread is interesting to me is because of the fact I am rated as insensitive in most cases.


    Seriously how introverted are you ?
    I am SUPER introverted. And I had depression for a while, so that probably didn't help. And yeah, I'm probably over-sensitive. Lol, I'm screwed (kidding). I know that I'll always be introverted, it's not something I want to change, anyway. It's the whole confidence thing that's a problem.

    Quote Originally Posted by phthalocyanine View Post
    INFPs seem to have a hard time letting go of what they perceive others' judgments of them to be, whether these are true or not.. i think it's because we are so openly questioning that we are prone to doubt/dissect almost anything (especially ourselves, and especially if we are without sufficient positive reinforcement from others)..

    perhaps your nervousness is apparent and it is that that people are picking up on and reacting to with discomfort - nothing about your personality or as a person on the inside, but simply a conditional mental or emotional state that leaves people uncertain of what to do or how to respond. on the one hand, as an I, you appear reserved and perhaps content with being aloof/distant/alone...but on the other, as an F, you may appear emotionally sensitive and socially oriented as well. this can be a confusing pair of traits to other types.

    INFPs are great socialisers if they are not getting caught up in their own internal dialogues.. but if they are, which is likely a result of nervousness or discomfort, they can come off as kind of strange and jittery to others..which can be perceived as being anywhere from harmlessly odd to confoundingly uncomfortable, depending on the other person..

    the good news here is that it isn't you that people don't like (how could they if you aren't putting anything much out there - they don't know you and you are withdrawing from the chance, often times, as you said)....it's the feeling of ambiguity that puts them off..this is especially true for SJs. lots of people need clear cut indications of where they stand with someone (so as to assume a proper role) before they open themselves to really interacting with them..

    try not to judge the present moment based upon negative past experiences or future-minded, idealised projections and you will be able to see its value more clearly.

    forget about all the possibilities of how or what others may be thinking about you and focus on how you feel about yourself independent of others. i am sure you can agree that once you feel comfortable, your positive traits come out and you suddenly feel likeable and sociable again.. INFPs sometimes deny the good in themselves, but if you encountered another person with the same traits as yourself i bet you'd be nowhere near as judgmental or condemning of them as you can be with yourself..

    sorry if this is sort of jumbled..i hope it made some sense!
    No it's fine, it made a lot of sense! You're right, I do think my insecurities leak out into the open and infect everyone else around me... when I don't feel so intimidated, I'm capable of holding a conversation without stabbing myself repeatedly. I've never thought about people disliking my insecurities but not myself as a person, I'll keep that in mind next time I'm crucifying myself.
    "So I say, live and let live. Thatís my motto. Live and let live.
    Anyone who canít go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker."
    - George Carlin

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