[NF] Yeah, they hate me.

[rainoneventide]

This is going to sound really dumb, but I literally automatically assume people dislike me. Even when they don't act like they dislike me, I have this pervasive feeling that they're just playing along with me and in reality they can't wait to escape. I always feel like I'm talking too much, or I'm too quiet. I'm afraid that a person will think I'm mean when I'm really not mean at all, or I'm afraid they'll think I'm too excitable and annoying, or that I'm dull to be around, or I'm full of myself, etc. etc. etc.

I always say to myself that I don't care about other people's opinions, but the truth is I do, a lot.

It sucks because these feelings cause me to distance myself from others, which I'm sure people can pick up on, and that causes loads of misunderstandings. It causes me to become distrustful of people and judge them before I even know them, when in reality I'm really interested in and like most people, despite our differences. Lots of conflicting emotions.

Is this a common feeling for other NF's?
Does anyone have advise on how to handle this... condition?

 

[Virtual ghost]

I will be blunt.

Why do you care what other think to such a degree ?

Ok you have feeling.
But why those feelings have to channeled this way?

Maybe I will be able to help you.

 

[rainoneventide]

I will be blunt.

Why do you care what other think to such a degree ?

Ok you have feeling.
But why those feelings have to channeled this way?

Ugh, good question, I honestly ask myself that every day.
It probably has to do with the way I was raised, and now it's like a really hard habit to break out of or something.

 

[Totenkindly]

Having gone through the same sort of feelings in my life (and eventually working through them cognitively), yeah, it's pretty hard -- you have to modify your entire framework of looking at yourself.

Right now you are being hypervigilant and trying to imagine the negative ways in which others might look at you... but in a sense it's really like you're projecting your criticism/suspicions of yourself onto everyone around you.

Reality is that, unless you're quite the jerk, chances are that many people like you and don't even notice the negatives you do... or you do sometimes goof up but they like you and just chalk it up to being human. and as you can perceive, your self-criticisms you are projecting on them can easily foster them to do the same to you for real... they'll get exasperated and then criticize you for real, and this will be used as justification for persevering in your self-critical mindset.

The general goal is to stop being hypervigilant and become non-self-conscious. Getting there can be quite the ride, although positive experiences with others help... and also seeing the good in yourself, and learning to accept any shortcomings you have. You might have to lessen your expectations for yourself to always be interesting, kind, sensitive, etc., so then you stop monitoring yourself so strongly. It is like you are attached to an image of yourself you cannot emulate so then you can castigate yourself or fear that others will reject you.

Just some ideas... coming from my experience with it in myself.

 

[hommefatal]

I easily feel that way when criticised but it disappears soon.

 

[Matthew_Z]

I'm not an NF, but I have a few thoughts:

Realize that most actually don't dislike you. In my experience, people will generally be as accepting of you as you are of them.

My advice is to tap into your emotions and follow the one you feel speaks the most truth to you. If you're anything like my INFP friend, you feel a lot of confliction. Just learn to know how to use your feelings. They're your ally.

 

[Virtual ghost]

Ugh, good question, I honestly ask myself that every day.
It probably has to do with the way I was raised, and now it's like a really hard habit to break out of or something.

The reason why your thread is interesting to me is because of the fact I am rated as insensitive in most cases.


Seriously how introverted are you ?


I ask since if you are introvrted by a large degree and raised to need people you will inevitably have strong inner confilct. What will probably make you insecure. What in the end will cause what you have right now.
So you are always in closed circle. Which is because depression will make you more introverted and increase your sense of failing at socializing.


Or you are simply too sensitive.

 

[phthalocyanine]

INFPs seem to have a hard time letting go of what they perceive others' judgments of them to be, whether these are true or not.. i think it's because we are so openly questioning that we are prone to doubt/dissect almost anything (especially ourselves, and especially if we are without sufficient positive reinforcement from others)..

perhaps your nervousness is apparent and it is that that people are picking up on and reacting to with discomfort - nothing about your personality or as a person on the inside, but simply a conditional mental or emotional state that leaves people uncertain of what to do or how to respond. on the one hand, as an I, you appear reserved and perhaps content with being aloof/distant/alone...but on the other, as an F, you may appear emotionally sensitive and socially oriented as well. this can be a confusing pair of traits to other types.

INFPs are great socialisers if they are not getting caught up in their own internal dialogues.. but if they are, which is likely a result of nervousness or discomfort, they can come off as kind of strange and jittery to others..which can be perceived as being anywhere from harmlessly odd to confoundingly uncomfortable, depending on the other person..

the good news here is that it isn't you that people don't like (how could they if you aren't putting anything much out there - they don't know you and you are withdrawing from the chance, often times, as you said)....it's the feeling of ambiguity that puts them off..this is especially true for SJs. lots of people need clear cut indications of where they stand with someone (so as to assume a proper role) before they open themselves to really interacting with them..

try not to judge the present moment based upon negative past experiences or future-minded, idealised projections and you will be able to see its value more clearly.

forget about all the possibilities of how or what others may be thinking about you and focus on how you feel about yourself independent of others. i am sure you can agree that once you feel comfortable, your positive traits come out and you suddenly feel likeable and sociable again.. INFPs sometimes deny the good in themselves, but if you encountered another person with the same traits as yourself i bet you'd be nowhere near as judgmental or condemning of them as you can be with yourself..

sorry if this is sort of jumbled..i hope it made some sense!

 

[Athenian200]

This is going to sound really dumb, but I literally automatically assume people dislike me. Even when they don't act like they dislike me, I have this pervasive feeling that they're just playing along with me and in reality they can't wait to escape. I always feel like I'm talking too much, or I'm too quiet. I'm afraid that a person will think I'm mean when I'm really not mean at all, or I'm afraid they'll think I'm too excitable and annoying, or that I'm dull to be around, or I'm full of myself, etc. etc. etc.

I always say to myself that I don't care about other people's opinions, but the truth is I do, a lot.

It sucks because these feelings cause me to distance myself from others, which I'm sure people can pick up on, and that causes loads of misunderstandings. It causes me to become distrustful of people and judge them before I even know them, when in reality I'm really interested in and like most people, despite our differences. Lots of conflicting emotions.

Is this a common feeling for other NF's?
Does anyone have advise on how to handle this... condition?

I've always been like that, too. So I think it's pretty common.

I don't have any advice for you, though. I'm still struggling with it myself. Sorry I couldn't be more help.

 

[rainoneventide]

The general goal is to stop being hypervigilant and become non-self-conscious. Getting there can be quite the ride, although positive experiences with others help... and also seeing the good in yourself, and learning to accept any shortcomings you have. You might have to lessen your expectations for yourself to always be interesting, kind, sensitive, etc., so then you stop monitoring yourself so strongly. It is like you are attached to an image of yourself you cannot emulate so then you can castigate yourself or fear that others will reject you.

Just some ideas... coming from my experience with it in myself.

Thank you, that helps a lot. Now that I think about it, I do have very high expectations for myself, but they just make me feel even more self-conscious.

My advice is to tap into your emotions and follow the one you feel speaks the most truth to you. If you're anything like my INFP friend, you feel a lot of confliction. Just learn to know how to use your feelings. They're your ally.

My feelings definitely have a strong hold on my actions, but I've never fully tried actually embracing and trusting them. I think that would definitely make things a ton easier.

The reason why your thread is interesting to me is because of the fact I am rated as insensitive in most cases.


Seriously how introverted are you ?

I am SUPER introverted. And I had depression for a while, so that probably didn't help. And yeah, I'm probably over-sensitive. Lol, I'm screwed (kidding). I know that I'll always be introverted, it's not something I want to change, anyway. It's the whole confidence thing that's a problem.

INFPs seem to have a hard time letting go of what they perceive others' judgments of them to be, whether these are true or not.. i think it's because we are so openly questioning that we are prone to doubt/dissect almost anything (especially ourselves, and especially if we are without sufficient positive reinforcement from others)..

perhaps your nervousness is apparent and it is that that people are picking up on and reacting to with discomfort - nothing about your personality or as a person on the inside, but simply a conditional mental or emotional state that leaves people uncertain of what to do or how to respond. on the one hand, as an I, you appear reserved and perhaps content with being aloof/distant/alone...but on the other, as an F, you may appear emotionally sensitive and socially oriented as well. this can be a confusing pair of traits to other types.

INFPs are great socialisers if they are not getting caught up in their own internal dialogues.. but if they are, which is likely a result of nervousness or discomfort, they can come off as kind of strange and jittery to others..which can be perceived as being anywhere from harmlessly odd to confoundingly uncomfortable, depending on the other person..

the good news here is that it isn't you that people don't like (how could they if you aren't putting anything much out there - they don't know you and you are withdrawing from the chance, often times, as you said)....it's the feeling of ambiguity that puts them off..this is especially true for SJs. lots of people need clear cut indications of where they stand with someone (so as to assume a proper role) before they open themselves to really interacting with them..

try not to judge the present moment based upon negative past experiences or future-minded, idealised projections and you will be able to see its value more clearly.

forget about all the possibilities of how or what others may be thinking about you and focus on how you feel about yourself independent of others. i am sure you can agree that once you feel comfortable, your positive traits come out and you suddenly feel likeable and sociable again.. INFPs sometimes deny the good in themselves, but if you encountered another person with the same traits as yourself i bet you'd be nowhere near as judgmental or condemning of them as you can be with yourself..

sorry if this is sort of jumbled..i hope it made some sense!

No it's fine, it made a lot of sense! You're right, I do think my insecurities leak out into the open and infect everyone else around me... when I don't feel so intimidated, I'm capable of holding a conversation without stabbing myself repeatedly. I've never thought about people disliking my insecurities but not myself as a person, I'll keep that in mind next time I'm crucifying myself.

 

[rainoneventide]

I've always been like that, too. So I think it's pretty common.

I don't have any advice for you, though. I'm still struggling with it myself. Sorry I couldn't be more help.

It's alright, just knowing that I'm not the only person who has these feelings is a huge comfort.

 

[BlackCat]

This seems to be a side effect of low self esteem in my experience. When my self esteem went up this pretty much vanished... it was always a random fear in the back of my head that people hated me that didn't even know me.

It's a pretty irrational fear. The people don't even know you, why would they hate you? This is what I told myself when I was resolving this issue within myself. You have to give people a reason to hate you... your existence doesn't make them hate you. Most people won't even care that you exist until you prove to them that they should care... so why should they put out the effort to hate you for no reason?

There's no real reason to feel this way. That's why I stopped doing it. I wish you luck in breaking that mental pattern, all it does is create negativity within you and serves no positive purpose.

 

[Zoom]

There are many points in this thread I relate to, from various posters. My personal experience is irrelevent unless you wish to hear it (as it is similar to others in enough respects that I don't think it needs to be shared), but one practical thing I might suggest:

If or when you do have urges to do something that is in line with who you are - try doing it on occasion. Watch others' reactions to you being yourself. Realise that they are not recoiling in horror, and the positive or negative reactions they may have.

The positive ones can boost your confidence, and the negative ones - you need to figure out if they are reasonable or not. If they aren't (many fall under this category), you need to learn that they don't matter. Honestly. Obviously if your boss' eyes are widening at a comment you made about his wife, take a step back and say "Holy hell, I'm sorry."

...but in general, those little steps to raise your comfort level and slowly disintegrate the feeling of social anxiety are important. The negativity or disapproval of others will always be there in certain situations*, but less so if you pick awesome people to be around.

*Example: almost any discussion involving religion or politics - anywhere. Ever.

 

[entropie]

I am not suffering from it to a very high degree, but I know / knew the feeling aswell. To me it was interpretating the worst abilities I could have into myself and others could have picked up on first glance. I was left with a feeling of insecurity towards the other person and then showed insecurity, which resulted in the other person being suspicious about me or not knowing what to do with me, resulting in my feelings growing worse.

When I learnt that other people see the world exactly like I do and have no powers to see my innerself on a first meeting like I have no power to see theirs, this feeling of insecurity dissolved over the years. It happened thru me learning to feel and know that others are exactly the same like I am, when they meet new people.

 

[MonkeyGrass]

I once received great and of course, honest, insight from an NTJ...

If you listen to people, always looking for a way to connect and sympathize with them, you either run the risk of coming off like a nut job, or it makes people intensely uncomfortable to have what they'd like to stay hidden brought out into the open.

If I sense that someone is insecure/sad/worried, making an effort to put them at ease forces them to acknowledge that feeling. Not cool, if they don't want to, or if I'm inaccurate, especially in public. It's especially embarrassing/off-putting if that person is a "t" or introverted.

Could that be coming into play, do you think?



Great thoughts, entropie. It's true: although I can generally accurately guess what sort of mood the person's in, I don't automatically know the why. And they don't know what I'm thinking, either. It's easy for an NF to feel like everyone has access to everyone else's heads, but that really just isn't the case.

 

[Wiley45]

rainoneventide, we were born to be friends! I can completely relate to your OP.

I have found, like Jennifer said, that other people are nowhere near as aware of me as I am, and remembering that helps a lot.

Also, sometimes I just have to fake it. The first week of my job at a cafe, I was freaking out over every little mistake and constantly apologizing because I wanted every cup of coffee I served to make the heavens crack open till customers were screaming in delight. The aim of perfecting coffee drinks and making a bright spot in someone's day was great, but my insecurity about my abilities was awful. After a few days of listening to my incessant apologizing, my friend finally said, "I think you'd get more tips if you just start acting more sure of yourself." So I did. I just faked it. I was totally a wreck on the inside, and felt like I sucked at everything, but I pretended I had everything together, and suddenly all my customers were a lot happier.

I still do it a lot in other life situations. I just use my powers of imagination to tell myself I'm confident, attractive, smart, capable ... whatever's the opposite of my negative feelings. Then I just walk around acting that way, almost like I'm an actor in character. I don't truly believe it, but the air of confidence it projects seems to balance out my insecurities, and people react favorably.

Once in a while, I also have to remind myself not to put so much stock in whether or not a person likes me, and be willing to be ok with it if someone doesn't like me. Weirdly, without meaning to, I've sometimes gained respect that way and made really good friends with people that can appreciate my "whatever, I don't need you" attitude.

I'm still working on it. It's difficult.

 

[MonkeyGrass]

I was a horror show my first two weeks as a waitress in college. Seriously, I would have killed me, if I were the patron.


One of my favorites ever :

YouTube - How to Irritate People - Am I Fussing You Too Much?

 

[thisGuy]

This is going to sound really dumb, but I literally automatically assume people dislike me. Even when they don't act like they dislike me, I have this pervasive feeling that they're just playing along with me and in reality they can't wait to escape. I always feel like I'm talking too much, or I'm too quiet. I'm afraid that a person will think I'm mean when I'm really not mean at all, or I'm afraid they'll think I'm too excitable and annoying, or that I'm dull to be around, or I'm full of myself, etc. etc. etc.

I always say to myself that I don't care about other people's opinions, but the truth is I do, a lot.

It sucks because these feelings cause me to distance myself from others, which I'm sure people can pick up on, and that causes loads of misunderstandings. It causes me to become distrustful of people and judge them before I even know them, when in reality I'm really interested in and like most people, despite our differences. Lots of conflicting emotions.

Is this a common feeling for other NF's?
Does anyone have advise on how to handle this... condition?

first day in a new high school...ya?

i think its good to care about people's opinions. makes you human.

but you need to rationalize that at what point are those opinions interfering way too much with your life and at what point are they trying to change who you really are and what you value.

but for that to happen, you need some internal rules and things that you value. not stuff like 'no more than one ice cream a day' but things that you hold very dear to your heart like playing guitar, having a certain opinion of yourself as reflected by the kind of clothes you wear, kind of food you eat...kind of religion you follow

once you have that feedback mechanism, as soon as you realize that someone's actions/thoughts are interfering with these rules and values, you get the hell out of there and think over what you could have done and what you would do for the future.

slowly, this would probably help you improve and become self-dependent rather than people-dependent.

of course this might not mean anything to you since judgments based on feelings do no always co-incide with judgments reached through rationlizing


this post is in direct contrast with most E/I consistencies in that have been argues over a billion times. usually its the Es that are supposed to care more about what people think about them since Is can look inside and be content...or thats what ive read around these forums

 

[rainoneventide]

Thank you so much for all these posts so far, I'm not trying to be mushy or corny or anything when I say that they're a really big help. Actually, I think I'll favorite this thread, lol. I need motivation to actively start squishing my negative thoughts because I keep procrastinating it, knowing that it'll be a hard and painful process.

I do expect people to be as astute to others as I am, so when I try to act more confident than I feel, I'm afraid I'll look like some pathetic fraud. Just need to be more brave.

 

[MonkeyGrass]

Thank you so much for all these posts so far,

I do expect people to be as astute to others as I am, so when I try to act more confident than I feel, I'm afraid I'll look like some pathetic fraud. Just need to be more brave.

Half won't be able to pick it up, and the other half will either be kind about it or they won't give a damn.