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  1. #1
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Default NFs and giving/receiving compliments

    I dated an ESTJ for several years who didn't like it when I wrote him a note saying all the things I liked about him, or if we had an especially good weekend or he did something really nice for me etc and I wrote him. He would never acknowledge that he even got anything and he later told me (during a heated exchange) it made him feel "very awkward" because he didn't know what to say. And although he did value many things about me, he found it awkward to know how to say those things. After awhile, I felt rejected and quit expressing appreciation as often.

    I realized a couple of things later. I can give compliments and thank yous in person like "I really like your dress" or "Good job on that paper" etc, but if it something more involved than that, or that includes personal characteristics, I would likely write it. That is because I would be pleased if someone were to do that for me, it would avoid the embarrassment of face to face responding, and it would be something I could look back and on reread when I needed a pick-me-up. I also am likely to say more in writing than I would face to face.

    On this forum, I was discussing with an ESTJ what she would prefer to be complimented on and also in what form. She said that in writing would seem far too much like the other person is pouring their soul out and also that things like reliability, consistency etc would by far be the qualities that would make her happiest to be complimented on. As a teacher, it is interesting to see how each of the four types really prefer different kinds of compliments and in different forms.

    So here are my questions. Answer whichever you like and let this thread go whichever direction it will.

    1. NFs generally do like to show their appreciation. Does it take different forms depending on which kind of NF you are? Do you compliment in person or on paper or both?
    2. As an NF, what would be the best type of compliment to you and in what form would you like to receive it?
    3. Do you consider MBTI type when you give someone a compliment? I haven't too much in the past, but think it's worth looking into.
    4. Do you feel comfortable accepting compliments? Would you prefer them on paper or in person?
    5. What types do you think shy away from open emotion the most?
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  2. #2
    Senior Member MonkeyGrass's Avatar
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    4. Do you feel comfortable accepting compliments? Would you prefer them on paper or in person?
    In paper, or from a person I'm quite close to. Otherwise, I feel a little violated to have to show a genuine response on the spot. I get too caught up in the other person's emotions and how they'd like me to respond to actually enjoy it, otherwise, and just appear embarrassed and awkward.

  3. #3
    Senior Member SpottingTrains's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    1. NFs generally do like to show their appreciation. Does it take different forms depending on which kind of NF you are? Do you compliment in person or on paper or both?
    2. As an NF, what would be the best type of compliment to you and in what form would you like to receive it?
    3. Do you consider MBTI type when you give someone a compliment? I haven't too much in the past, but think it's worth looking into.
    4. Do you feel comfortable accepting compliments? Would you prefer them on paper or in person?
    5. What types do you think shy away from open emotion the most?
    1. Compliments for me aren't restricted to a any single medium.

    2. I always compliment actions rather than appearance. There are extremes situations where I would compliment appearance but they are fairly rare.

    3. No I don't, but I would agree that it would help.

    4. This goes back to #2. I have a hard time accepting appearance related compliments as opposed to action related ones. Though to be honest both just really put me on edge because I always think I could of done something better. It usually smacks me with a sense of false pride.

    5. No clue.
    "That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can."

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    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    1. NFs generally do like to show their appreciation. Does it take different forms depending on which kind of NF you are? Do you compliment in person or on paper or both? This I would say depends on the person and not the type. The styles of love theory would better explain this for you, not personality typing. In this theory you have a main type and a subtype. Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages: Learn the Languages A perfect example of love languages conflicting (and of how it's not much related to type) is that my mom, an ENFJ, is a primary gift giver/receiver and 2ndary acts of service. I am a primary quality time and 2ndary physical touch. She expects gifts to be given a lot and gives gifts to show her appreciation, and feels deeply hurt if someone doesn't return the favor. She will also do you favors to show appreciation, like help you move or something like that. I didn't even think of this as showing love, my main style of love is quality time. I'd sit there and talk to my mom, share stories, discuss things, and in my own mind this was giving love to my mom. These conflict constantly, and I thought everything was fine. But my mom would get very angry that I didn't give very many gifts or want to do the whole "acts of service" thing. So yeah, there you go.

    2. As an NF, what would be the best type of compliment to you and in what form would you like to receive it?
    Best type of complement for me personally is simply that the person likes me as a person, enjoys being around me, all of that good stuff.

    3. Do you consider MBTI type when you give someone a compliment? I haven't too much in the past, but think it's worth looking into. No, I consider what THEY as a person would appreciate.

    4. Do you feel comfortable accepting compliments? Would you prefer them on paper or in person? It's kinda awkward, but yeah it's okay I guess. I feel comfortable accepting them when they actually mean something.

    5. What types do you think shy away from open emotion the most? Not sure, probably unbalanced NTs or unbalanced T types in general.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

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  5. #5
    Senior Member the state i am in's Avatar
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    blackcat, do you know of any correlations between mb type and the love languages? it seems pretty damn helpful, so far.

    also, i am not very smooth at receiving compliments, there's this ungraceful kind of desire to express or articulate these relationships in my own way, and sometimes i am kind of awkward and not quit lining up with the intentions/expressions of the complimenter.

  6. #6
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    I worked on giving more compliments because I have had negative social repercussions for not giving enough of them. I tend to think positive or neutral things about people, but don't often verbalize these.

    I like compliments that correspond with truthfulness and are reasonable. Generic compliments don't make much sense to me, and social strategy (kissing up) compliments are stressful to me whether pressure to give or receive. One of my jobs is so heavy laden with mutual complimenting, and it's not pleasant.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

  7. #7
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    i like to give a receive compliments yeah...don't feel awkward either way...medium doesn't matter much...a bit of all is better i think...but...they have to be sincere and i think they're better when they're obviously specific to that person or something that shows you're really paying attention.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  8. #8
    Senior Member seeker22's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    5. What types do you think shy away from open emotion the most?
    INTPs! I made the mistake of complimenting one a few different times - each time she looked like she wanted to flee and quickly changed the subject without acknowledging the compliment whatsoever. I think she even became briefly disgusted with me.

  9. #9
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by the state i am in View Post
    blackcat, do you know of any correlations between mb type and the love languages? it seems pretty damn helpful, so far.
    It's sort of like enneagram in that any MBTI type can be any love language type. However I've noticed some correlations... or at least some commonalities between some types.

    Introverts- Quality time
    Males- Physical touch

    I've just noticed there are a lot of introverts that have Quality time as a primary or secondary love language. A lot of males are also Physical Touch in one way or another.

    However typing someone's love language is like typing in MBTI, in a sense that you just have to get a knack for doing it. It's also just as handy for relationships.

    PS: Sorry for the late response.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

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  10. #10
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    1. NFs generally do like to show their appreciation. Does it take different forms depending on which kind of NF you are? Do you compliment in person or on paper or both?

    I am better at expressing my feelings in writing. I tend to be warmer through email than in person. As some others have said, I also think many, many more nice things about people than I ever communicate to them. I am always working to be better about that... I too have had people complain that I don't make positive observations about others very much; but I do, I just need to vocalize them more.

    I've learned that complimenting people has less to do with me than the other person (duh) and it doesn't have to leave me vulnerable. I would say I learned that from my ENFJ friends, who compliment left & right with great ease. Compliments from me are so sincere & heartfelt that they feel like some kind of confession, and I'm always worried of weirding people out. I've learned to do it more casually from the help of ENFJs & even my INTP friend (yes, oddly enough).

    2. As an NF, what would be the best type of compliment to you and in what form would you like to receive it?

    I love a sincere & unique compliment. Interestingly, it was an INTP (and a cranky one at that) who gave me some of the best compliments ever. Instead of just saying something like "you're pretty", he would compare my eyes to the universe or something . I also like when people compliment my design work, or a quality about me that shows me something new about myself. It helps ease insecurity, haha.


    3. Do you consider MBTI type when you give someone a compliment?
    No...

    4. Do you feel comfortable accepting compliments? Would you prefer them on paper or in person?

    I used to qualify compliments sometimes, but I take them graciously now.
    I don't have any preference for in writing or in person. Both are nice & appreciated.


    5. What types do you think shy away from open emotion the most?
    I've found INTJs, ENTPs, and ESTJs to not compliment much, but that's just my personal experience. I think it's more of an individual thing really.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

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