[MBTI General] NFs and giving/receiving compliments

[jenocyde]

Jenocyde, you're hilarious. I knew that would be your reaction to the SilentStar's post.

So is it feeling like you might slip up later that bothers you, or that the other person is expressing emotion that you don't know what to do with?

What if you quit interacting regularly with the person? Can it then be assumed that you dislike their company (since spending time with them is assurance enough that you like them) or are you just busy doing something else?

And yes, any NF apologizer that has anything to do with Ts learns to quit apologizing because it annoys them so badly. (Although usually they apologize for apologizing before they finally get the message).

Lol, I appreciate SilentStar's honesty but the thought of receiving such a letter... wow.

No, I'm not afraid that I will slip up - I'm just trying to illustrate that I don't like being appreciated for one aspect of myself. If a man says he loves my breasts repeatedly, how would I then feel after having a mastectomy? But really, it's more that I am extremely uncomfortable with excessive displays of emotion. And most displays are excessive to me. If I am sleeping with you, you are allowed a little more leeway, but for the most part, I don't like it. I get embarrassed beyond belief when I get flowers on Valentine's Day at the office where I used to work. It's just so damn cheesy. It was even worse when an ex showed up at the office with flowers and a teddy bear. I almost died.

If I don't interact often with someone, I don't think twice about it. Especially if I know that we can pick up where we left off whenever we do speak again. If I don't spend time with you, it's always because I am distracted with other things. I have 87 unread emails in facebook, 202 unread ones in my personal email, my voice mail is currently full. I get distracted. If I no longer wish to be friends with any of these people that I have not responded to, I'll just tell them. But me not answering is not indicative of anything larger, it just means that I am dicking around on TypeC.

Let me put it this way, if I tell a man that I love him, he should continue on with that knowledge unless otherwise informed. But please don't ask me to tell you again. And don't tell me with the hopes of hearing it return. Say it if you must, but don't go overboard or expect it back because I already told you last March. The fact that I am still with you speaks volumes.

 

[Fidelia]

That makes sense...

Anyone with any decency should know enough to not get a female NT a teddy bear! I hope you were the one who broke up with him, because he obviously didn't understand you!

Do you ever just become indifferent about people and drift away, or would you feel you needed to let them know you are not interested in continuing on anymore? How would you show overt dislike of someone?

What do you do when you feel emotion, or is it experienced in a more intellectual way? For example, even when I know worry is unreasonable and I have been proactive about directing my thoughts, my stomach might feel sick whether I am intentionally worrying or not. What I'm saying is, are emotions just not important to you or can they build up and burst out at some point? For example, one of the ESTJs started a thread on ESTJs and emotional outbursts. She suggested that because they shy away from emotion and "forget about" most little things that bug them, occasionally they have inappropriate and surprising outbursts, which mystify the exploder themselves because they are not used to analyzing their feelings or paying a lot of attention to them and they didn't feel it all creeping up on them till it was too late.

 

[Fidelia]

Just as an aside - I should think that NFs would especially be annoying to you because of their tendancy to gush. What makes it worth putting up with? You have obviously chosen to have at least one NF friend and you hang out here too. Although I guess they wouldn't gush online nearly so much.

 

[Silent Stars]

Are you being serious?

Yes, absolutely, but like I said, it's a VERY rare event. (I think the longest one I've written so far was four pages, front and back. I accidentally cried a bit on that one too, haha.) Most of the time, though, I just keep it fairly simple, like a thank you card or something, but not anything mushy or whatever...just something that I think would have personal meaning to them, like a card that uses a kind of humor that I know they like. (I'm very good at picking out cards that are totally perfect; they somehow stand out to me instantly, which is nice because then I don't have to spend time looking through the whole rack to find the right one, lol. It's fun.) For instance, several times at my previous job, whenever I'd hear of someone leaving, I'd get a card for them and go around asking people in our department to sign it and write stuff in it if they want to. The people I did that for really appreciated it, because otherwise, they'd just be gone, and nobody would care. It made me sad seeing that happen to people before, so I decided to do something about it.

Also, when I give stuff to people, I don't really do any of the traditional things like flowers or chocolates or stuffed animals (I sometimes do flowers, though, but only small bunches, nothing extravagant, and make it be a kind that people don't normally give; I just pick whatever stands out to me at the moment.); I try to give them something that's unique and that I think will be regularly useful to them in some way, while also having sentimental value and remind them of why I gave it to them whenever they use it. I personally think that that's the best way to give people presents....the meaning behind it is far more important than what the present actually is, and it's best not to do it out of obligation, or merely do what everyone else normally does for the occasion just so you don't feel left out or whatever.

Usually when I give things to people that are physical, they aren't actually presents, though...it's more simple things, like using a gift card I got for Christmas to buy pizza for friends when I hang out with them while watching a movie together, or giving someone extra food that I made because I accidentally made too much and I can't eat it all myself before it goes bad (especially if I know that they normally don't eat very healthy), or using the savings on my gas card to help my mom fill up her van because I can't use it myself (my car needs to be fixed, so it would be pointless to let those savings go to waste).

For the NT girls that I've known, I find that just talking to them and showing that I'm interested in them and the things that they like and how they think works quite well. A smile every now and then also seems to be very well-received. Just doing those two things keeps them satisfied, without making them feel like I'm being overbearing or anything, cause I wouldn't want to just end up pushing them away. I love them just as much as anyone else, but I know not to overdo it.

I don't think I've known any ST girls, so I can't comment on how exactly I'd handle that....probably in a similar fashion to the NT girls, though with things that are more directly relevant to them, like their plans for the weekend, or something like that.

 

[Glycerine]

I love giving them but I hate receiving them.

 

[Usehername]

I like giving and receiving thoughtful, genuine compliments. I'm fine with hugs and tears and affection, even very (platonically) intimate verbal and physical affection between friends.

I am also totally with Jenocyde about the flowers etc. in public. Or any PDF. Ugh. Private moments should stay private!

There are conditions to my comfort level:
(1) there must be a mutually understood degree of intimacy between me and said friend
(2) this sort of relating is done in private (either just the two of us without any others around, or written and sealed communication)

I can smoothly handle Fe hello/goodbye acquaintance hugging if it's called for, and any extenuating emotional circumstance affection. I even sometimes enjoy this. But if a friend is into any sort intimate verbal or physical affection and they are not on my superclose friends list, I don't override my inclination to freeze up.
If there is not a deep connection there, back off. No touchy. Let's not pretend our relationship is better than it is.

Any BF is similar--if we're just getting to know each other, he will stay at arms length. If we're close, I show him my hidden NF side without a second thought.

 

[Fidelia]

I'm with you on all of that.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

If I don't interact often with someone, I don't think twice about it. Especially if I know that we can pick up where we left off whenever we do speak again. If I don't spend time with you, it's always because I am distracted with other things. I have 87 unread emails in facebook, 202 unread ones in my personal email, my voice mail is currently full. I get distracted. If I no longer wish to be friends with any of these people that I have not responded to, I'll just tell them. But me not answering is not indicative of anything larger, it just means that I am dicking around on TypeC.

hahahahahhaha. so funny. my eyes are blurry even now. i've never heard of anyone with so many unread emails. that would drive me crazy!

Let me put it this way, if I tell a man that I love him, he should continue on with that knowledge unless otherwise informed. But please don't ask me to tell you again. And don't tell me with the hopes of hearing it return. Say it if you must, but don't go overboard or expect it back because I already told you last March. The fact that I am still with you speaks volumes.

i read in, i think it was, Please Understand Me II NTs do not like redundant thanks because in the NT's mind if you say it more than once, she perceives it as you not really meaning it, otherwise, why would the thanker need to 'convince' you so much, by thanking you more than once. the person over-thanking loses validity in an NTs mind. i also read exactly what you said, that you hear things and note things very well the first time. you don't need to hear it again, and if you're subjected more than once, it's just a waste of your time, and therefore your boundaries are, in effect, crossed.

 

[nightning]

1. NFs generally do like to show their appreciation. Does it take different forms depending on which kind of NF you are? Do you compliment in person or on paper or both?
Interesting Fidelia... I tend not to write complimentary notes.

Actually I rarely give out compliments in person. Any I give verbally means a lot because of it. I'll only mention something if I really mean it. Online wise I tend to be a little more polite and generous in showing appreciation.

2. As an NF, what would be the best type of compliment to you and in what form would you like to receive it?
I dislike gushing compliments. I think good work is on the whole readily apparent. A simple statement for appreciation or even a pat on the back suffice.

3. Do you consider MBTI type when you give someone a compliment? I haven't too much in the past, but think it's worth looking into.
No. I consider tailoring a compliment for an individual a form of insincerity. If somebody has something that deserves my compliment, then anybody with the same also deserve the exact same compliment.

4. Do you feel comfortable accepting compliments? Would you prefer them on paper or in person?
I'm okay with accepting compliments on a one-on-one basis. I tend to get embarrass if I'm complimented in front of a large group. I don't see why a person should write it down on paper if they can deliver it verbally. Unless the object of note is written and the complimentary note is attached to it.

5. What types do you think shy away from open emotion the most?
Seriously? INTPs.

 

[tibby]

Giving feedback/compliments etc is easier on paper. But practicality. If I like/am impressed with what someone did with their project or writing or whatever, I'm not going to slip a note to them when I'm in their presence. I like making people known my appreciation (their character, talents, my care etc), admiration and whatever basically. Easiest avenue for me to do this is by writing letters. Doing it verbally would feel awkard.

I once did it verbally in the presence of an ESTJ. It wasn't about compliments really, though, I wanted a person, who had a very low self-reliance/esteem to get sort of objective feedback about herself from her parent that has never acknowledged her in any way. The support and positive feedback she'd been lacking. Played a little devil's advocate there. I thought it'd be a good idea, but the ESTJ reacted peculiarly and got very upset and nervous. It was "against a code" or something, that people just don't compliment each other.

 

[Skyward]

I only give compliments if they are genuine and I feel safe exposing it. I was a real compliment-spiller during my work with our school play. I'm also better at giving compliments when the atmosphere is relaxed and chatty. Basically when ENFPs I'm friends with are around

 

[jenocyde]

Do you ever just become indifferent about people and drift away, or would you feel you needed to let them know you are not interested in continuing on anymore? How would you show overt dislike of someone?

...

What do you do when you feel emotion, or is it experienced in a more intellectual way? For example, even when I know worry is unreasonable and I have been proactive about directing my thoughts, my stomach might feel sick whether I am intentionally worrying or not.

I do drift away because I'm always indifferent. Or rather, you can be extremely relevant in my life this week and totally forgotten about the next week. But you can reappear again quite easily. I think that Ne doms have this problem (ENFPs also) but I could be mistaken - maybe it's just me... But if someone really bothers me to the point where I no longer want to deal with them anymore, I will just straight up tell that person that 'our personalities don't mesh, but no hard feelings.' And true to my word, there will be no hard feelings. Before it gets to that point, I will usually realize my dislike of said person by how often I am snapping at them, or giving one word answers.

Also, it depends on the emotion. I feel emotions just like everyone else, but it's definitely not triggered by as many things. There are some surface emotions that I feel right away - like frustration, if someone is talking too slowly. Or excitement when I figure something out that I've been working on. But more intense emotions that are slow building are usually manifested physically first, before I register them emotionally. Like sometimes I am so angry that I am shaking before I realize how angry I am. Or I notice that I am slamming cabinets closed or something. There is like a mind/body disconnect. But once I realize it, then I am almost instantly taken out of it and don't really feel it anymore and look at that emotion as an objective observer. When my brother died when we were kids, my face was all wet before I knew I was crying. Once I realized I was crying, the urge to cry instantly stopped because I was so aware of it and couldn't get back into it, no matter how hard I tried. Any attempts to cry after that moment seemed fake, because I was trying to force myself. I thought a lot more about being sad than actually feeling the sadness.

Just as an aside - I should think that NFs would especially be annoying to you because of their tendancy to gush. What makes it worth putting up with? You have obviously chosen to have at least one NF friend and you hang out here too. Although I guess they wouldn't gush online nearly so much.

I'm not going to say that anyone is annoying because I've been crucified on here a bit too much lately for "generalizing" and don't need that kind of drama, but I want to point out that I don't hang out in the Idyllic. I just click "new posts" at the top of the page and respond to threads I find interesting, without realizing what area they are in.

And about not gushing online? if only that were true... But a person is made up of a sum of all their parts. My friends are awesome people that might irritate me at times, just like I must irritate them. But there are so many other great qualities in all of my friends.

hahahahahhaha. so funny. my eyes are blurry even now. i've never heard of anyone with so many unread emails. that would drive me crazy!

i read in, i think it was, Please Understand Me II NTs do not like redundant thanks because in the NT's mind if you say it more than once, she perceives it as you not really meaning it, otherwise, why would the thanker need to 'convince' you so much, by thanking you more than once. the person over-thanking loses validity in an NTs mind. i also read exactly what you said, that you hear things and note things very well the first time. you don't need to hear it again, and if you're subjected more than once, it's just a waste of your time, and therefore your boundaries are, in effect, crossed.

Yes yes yes!!!!!!
(also I have 22 unread PMs here in TypeC...)

I once did it verbally in the presence of an ESTJ. It wasn't about compliments really, though, I wanted a person, who had a very low self-reliance/esteem to get sort of objective feedback about herself from her parent that has never acknowledged her in any way. The support and positive feedback she'd been lacking. Played a little devil's advocate there. I thought it'd be a good idea, but the ESTJ reacted peculiarly and got very upset and nervous. It was "against a code" or something, that people just don't compliment each other.

How do you know that she was really that low or lacking? And why assume that praise would make it all better?

 

[tibby]

How do you know that she was really that low or lacking? And why assume that praise would make it all better?

She told me. She said her low self-esteem is so low she doesn't bare the thought to be around others, that she's below everybody else. And also because she was diagnosed with severe depression and was offered intensive therapy mainly focusing on issues with the above-mentioned parental figure.

I don't expect the praise to make it better. But I figured, it'd been a start, communication between the two, just ... something.

 

[BerberElla]

1. NFs generally do like to show their appreciation. Does it take different forms depending on which kind of NF you are?

I'm not sure, I don't know how other NF's show appreciation.


Do you compliment in person or on paper or both?

Both, probably more verbal than on paper, but I can say it so much better on paper.

2. As an NF, what would be the best type of compliment to you and in what form would you like to receive it?

I would be embarrassed but I would rather it be verbal because I get to see the persons eyes at the same time which matters to me.
I'm not sure what the best type of compliment would be to give me, I get a warm fuzzy feeling from just having all my support acknowledged in some way.


3. Do you consider MBTI type when you give someone a compliment? I haven't too much in the past, but think it's worth looking into.

No, not yet, although like you I think it's worth considering.


4. Do you feel comfortable accepting compliments? Would you prefer them on paper or in person?

It depends on what the compliment was about, if it was about physical things, then no I'm not really comfortable with it, if it's about my work then I'm comfortable. I may blush a little but that's from happy feelings lol.

I prefer in person.


5. What types do you think shy away from open emotion the most?

Maybe INTJ/P?

 

[The Outsider]

When someone compliments me, needless to say, I feel really awkward and don't really know how to respond. I usually just smile, blush and thank the person under my breath with a flabbergasted look on my face.
Despite that, I always appreciate compliments, via any medium. They can really make my day. I usually don't compliment others myself, if only subtly during a conversation, as I am just too shy.

 

[CrystalViolet]

I like complimenting people, when they deserve it, or whatever. I do it because it's kinda way of reassuring people, but don't get me wrong, I'm not gushing. Only when deserved.

I like genuine compliments too...and feed back. I know most people operate on a "if you don't hear anything you are doing good" basis, but I like to know I'm doing the right thing. It's a way of touching base, I guess. I don't like when people gush. I don't trust it, but a well timed compliment can make my day/week.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

Yes yes yes!!!!!!
(also I have 22 unread PMs here in TypeC...)

then i feel particularly pleased..........

 

[ergophobe]

1. Do you compliment in person or on paper or both?
I revel in giving compliments. I compliment in whatever medium possible - sign language (thumbs up sign, clapping gestures), words (can veer towards gushy sometimes when excited although always meant very sincerely), paper (my most favored medium because I love words).

Having said that, I absolutely detest hearts/cards with hearts or flowers/cards with teddy bears or any such trite mushy symbol of affection or appreciation. I acknowledge most emotions are cliched because we are but tiny in the grand spectrum of the lived human experience and thus what we feel can only be so unique. Can't we at least *try* to express these feelings in a more unique manner? I really enjoy flirting. That is where I compliment best and need to be with someone who understands and appreciates that. If I get someone a card, it will be funny and contain a personal message.

2. As an NF, what would be the best type of compliment to you and in what form would you like to receive it?

I am *terrible* at receiving compliments in every area besides my work/intellectual abilities. I see that as an area of competence. I don't mind the format for compliments related to my abilities/skills - any is fine and welcome and I will enjoy them very much.

3. Do you consider MBTI type when you give someone a compliment? I haven't too much in the past, but think it's worth looking into.

No. I'm pretty new to the whole MBTI thing and am still discovering my own type so I am not confident enough to use type in that way. I am however good about remembering people's preferences and altering behavior to fit what works with them. If they seem awkward in receiving a certain type of compliment, I will not give it/ or in that format again.

A recent experience with an NT has made me question my complimenting style. I am considering scaling back although I can't guarantee this will be possible or work. I have an irrepressible need to express what I feel clearly and honestly.

4. Do you feel comfortable accepting compliments? Would you prefer them on paper or in person?


See above.

5. What types do you think shy away from open emotion the most?
Tdoms -- ENTPs/INTJs. I don't know many Ss in real life, unfortunately.

 

[redacted]

I love getting compliments but they make me incredibly uncomfortable. I never know how to react appropriately.

I also like giving compliments, but I'm scared of making the other person uncomfortable.

Damn Fe.

 

[kyuuei]

1. NFs generally do like to show their appreciation. Does it take different forms depending on which kind of NF you are? Do you compliment in person or on paper or both?

If it's something little and on the spot, I'll say it out loud. Otherwise, I'm exactly like you. Writing feels a bit more personal without being intimate.

2. As an NF, what would be the best type of compliment to you and in what form would you like to receive it?

Writing is best for me. Best sort of compliment: Complimenting/recognizing my hard work or patience.

3. Do you consider MBTI type when you give someone a compliment? I haven't too much in the past, but think it's worth looking into.

I really don't at all.

4. Do you feel comfortable accepting compliments? Would you prefer them on paper or in person?

Hahaha Not at all. I just prefer paper because I can simply say "thank you" in return without feeling too awkward. It's not that it's not appreciated, but I am not sure how to react.

5. What types do you think shy away from open emotion the most?

INTP.