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  1. #11
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    I really hate it when I get too many compliments and I rarely give them. Nothing makes me cringe more than someone writing an email or a card thanking me profusely for something that they've already thanked me for and then telling me why I was so great, or whatever. A simple 'thank you' is more than enough for me.

    Anything that overdoes it with words seems fake and awkward to me, and it puts me on the spot. I don't know how to respond to that and it makes me nauseous, actually. And then if I return a compliment, I often get "fished" for more by constant questions like "really, what do you mean? what did you like about it?" Blecch, that type of ego stroking... *shudder*

    I often get cards in the mail from an NF friend of mine that I always try and pretend I didn't receive. I rarely open them anyway and usually just toss them (I hate clutter). I know it hurts her that I don't acknowledge them, but I am trying to get her to stop sending them - believe me, I've asked her to stop a few times already and she won't. I think it's less about the compliments and more about the amount and profuseness of it all. It's just overdone.

    (and I'm not unbalanced, I just think that less is more...)

  2. #12
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    For real? What if she really feels that profusely about you? Aren't you even curious to read them? How would you feel if it was said in person? She'd probably quit if you told her something nice she could do instead (something like, instead of writing me a card, I'd really prefer you to get me a coffee). It almost kills an NF not to express somethig for those that they appreciate. I think most things an NF would express would seem profuse to many NTs whether the NF felt they were or not. Do you think that most NTs feel the same way about compliments as you do? What would make you feel good if compliments don't? I know that many NTs don't feel the need for appreciation in the same way as NFs. What would be their equivalent driving need though? Acknowledgement of competence in an area??

    Maybe the discomfort with being complimented is more of a T thing...

  3. #13
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    For real? What if she really feels that profusely about you? Aren't you even curious to read them? How would you feel if it was said in person? She'd probably quit if you told her something nice she could do instead (something like, instead of writing me a card, I'd really prefer you to get me a coffee). It almost kills an NF not to express somethig for those that they appreciate. I think most things an NF would express would seem profuse to many NTs whether the NF felt they were or not. Do you think that most NTs feel the same way about compliments as you do? What would make you feel good if compliments don't? I know that many NTs don't feel the need for appreciation in the same way as NFs. What would be their equivalent driving need though? Acknowledgement of competence in an area??
    Wow, ok - I'll try to answer all your questions...

    I know she feels that profusely and it makes me very uncomfortable that she feels that way. Being a friend means you just do nice things for each other - that's the point of friendship. If I pick her up from the airport, I don't need a 45 minute love fest about it on the way back. Just say thanks. I already know it was a nice thing to do, going overboard with the words makes it seem less sincere. And a card afterword makes me want to throttle her. I get it - you appreciate it. Can we move on? It bothers me when someone breaks up a nice moment to tell me how nice the moment is. Just enjoy the moment!

    If I am at a store buying something for my niece and I see something cute her daughter would like, I just pick it up. I don't even think twice about it and I certainly don't do it for the compliment. I just do it because I want to. I would expect a normal hug and a "thank you, that was so sweet" or whatever and leave it at that. So when I get a thank you hug, a thank you phone call, a thank you card from her, a thank you card from the daughter (written by her, of course) and then a 20 minute 'word orgy' the next time I see her - well, it really makes me not want to do anything like that ever again. I don't know what it is but it feels extremely... gross. And then it makes me feel like every time she does any little thing for me that she expects me to behave that way. And I won't. I simply can't. It's just not my nature.

    I don't need compliments or acknowledgments (other than the typical thank you) at all. Ever. It's nice when you get an unexpected one, I think everyone feels that way. But when someone goes on and on about it... I mean, if a strange man walked up to you on the street and said you were pretty, you'd smile and feel good and say thanks. But then if he goes on to individually compliment every single body part individually, it's just creepy. And that's what this feels like to me. It's a bit creepy. The first time I got one of her cards (with a long poem inside), I wondered what the hell she was thinking. Now, I can't even open them.

    Saying it in person is bad because I then have to fake exuberance and appreciation for the thanks. But getting the card is 10x worse, because I know she is waiting anxiously for that phone call - the one in which I have to thank her profusely for the card and get questioned on which part of the poem I liked the best. And I also know that she will constantly refer back to said card a million times over the next year, asking if I remember that one card with that one poem that said that one phrase... In a way, it's kind of like she compliments me so I can compliment her.

    I don't know if I have an equivalent driving need. I have to think about that one. But I can guarantee that it has nothing to do with praise.

  4. #14
    Aspie Idealist TaylorS's Avatar
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    I love compliments, both giving and receiving.
    Autistic INFP


  5. #15
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Jenocyde - I had no idea that you meant that gushy. You're right, that's uncomfortable and weird (and not really a general NF trait). We're more likely to say sorry more than we should. I agree, it would make it seem fake.

    I just meant that it's nice to know sometimes what a person likes about you and I couldn't understand not being curious enough to find out or hating them say they appreciate you (I know that the rest don't need it as much as NFs, but...). I could see it being uncomfortable in person, or maybe NFs seeming a little less...terse than an NT might be about it all, but I think everyone can probably deal with a "Thanks for doing that" etc. without getting too bothered, no?

  6. #16
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    I used to like to write that sort of thing out, but I have learned over the years that it's better not to leave too much stuff in writing, also that people seem to find it odd. People who don't know what to say to a compliment have an even worse time if they think they have to do it in writing. So it puts pressure where you don't want pressure, you want joy, so since it ends up antithetical to the purpose, that effusive kind of writing gets relegated to the journal.

    Social currency compliments are ok if they don't go on too long. "I love your shoes!" "I love your purse!" if it feels sincere is fine, but if every single day the person critiques my shoes or purse or hair or whatever, it starts to feel intrusive to me and I get surly.

    Compliments about my efforts mean a lot to me and I like them given in private, very briefly, and then never referred to again. I feel that so intensely it embarrasses me, so I can't stand it to go on too long. (Not that I'm in any grave danger of such suffering.)

  7. #17
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Jenocyde - I had no idea that you meant that gushy. You're right, that's uncomfortable and weird (and not really a general NF trait). We're more likely to say sorry more than we should. I agree, it would make it seem fake.

    I just meant that it's nice to know sometimes what a person likes about you and I couldn't understand not being curious enough to find out or hating them say they appreciate you (I know that the rest don't need it as much as NFs, but...). I could see it being uncomfortable in person, or maybe NFs seeming a little less...terse than an NT might be about it all, but I think everyone can probably deal with a "Thanks for doing that" etc. without getting too bothered, no?
    My point is that it always seems gushy. If it's a simple thanks, that's fine - but it rarely is a simple thanks. And truth be told, I could live without even that, but I accept it as part of the social agreement.

    Like what you were describing with the ESTJ would have me running in the other direction. Listing the things you like about me feels awkward and weird and then it makes me start to think what would happen if I accidentally slipped up on one of those traits, or just had a bad day. I can't quantify my friends like that.

    I don't need to know why a person likes me. The fact that we communicate regularly already shows that we like each other.

    And yes, the apologizing drives me crazy too.

  8. #18
    Senior Member Silent Stars's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    1. NFs generally do like to show their appreciation. Does it take different forms depending on which kind of NF you are? Do you compliment in person or on paper or both?
    2. As an NF, what would be the best type of compliment to you and in what form would you like to receive it?
    3. Do you consider MBTI type when you give someone a compliment? I haven't too much in the past, but think it's worth looking into.
    4. Do you feel comfortable accepting compliments? Would you prefer them on paper or in person?
    5. What types do you think shy away from open emotion the most?
    1. I show my appreciation for others in many different ways, from very simple things, to really going all out, and everything in between. I have no trouble complimenting people in person or in writing, but when I do it in writing, I'm able to fully explain how I feel, and it can get very elaborate and long. I enjoy writing letters in cursive handwriting, as it adds a more personal element to what I'm saying. Sometimes I even end up leaving tear stains on the paper from crying. lol

    2. I would love to get any sort of compliment, because I usually get very few, if any at all. It doesn't matter to me what people do, as long as they really mean it.

    3. I don't; all I consider is the person themselves, and how I feel about them, and then I express that in whatever way I think would get my feelings across to them the best. That doesn't mean I always go all out, though...that only happens in very special occasions.

    4. I am comfortable with receiving compliments, but I do get embarrassed by them a lot, as I am easily flustered, and I blush a lot too...but I don't mind that. I have no preference as to how other people do it to me; I'm just glad if they do it at all.

    5. I'd say a lot of INFPs have quite a bit of trouble with that (probably more than any other feeler type), and any type or person that has low Fe. I think ENTPs would be the best at it out of all the thinking types.
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  9. #19
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Silent Stars View Post
    1. I show my appreciation for others in many different ways, from very simple things, to really going all out, and everything in between. I have no trouble complimenting people in person or in writing, but when I do it in writing, I'm able to fully explain how I feel, and it can get very elaborate and long. I enjoy writing letters in cursive handwriting, as it adds a more personal element to what I'm saying. Sometimes I even end up leaving tear stains on the paper from crying. lol
    Are you being serious?

  10. #20
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Jenocyde, you're hilarious. I knew that would be your reaction to the SilentStar's post.

    So is it feeling like you might slip up later that bothers you, or that the other person is expressing emotion that you don't know what to do with?

    What if you quit interacting regularly with the person? Can it then be assumed that you dislike their company (since spending time with them is assurance enough that you like them) or are you just busy doing something else?

    And yes, any NF apologizer that has anything to do with Ts learns to quit apologizing because it annoys them so badly. (Although usually they apologize for apologizing before they finally get the message).

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