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  1. #1
    Senior Member seeker22's Avatar
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    Default Ambivalence: How To Break Through It

    How the hell do you make "the right" choice when given different options?
    (right = delivering the most satisfaction and sense of contentment, a feeling of ease, not haunted by uncertainty or plagued by doubt)

    Do you list out the pros and cons and then choose the most "logical?"

    But what if your head doesn't agree with your heart?

    Do you throw logic to the wind and go with your heart/emotions?

    But emotions are fleeting - then what?

    How does one break through ambivalence?

    Ambivalence = conflicted. (between different choices)

  2. #2
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Emotions are changeable and can't be trusted. I know from experience that I have been very attracted to intelligent, interesting, accomplished people that would have been a disaster to marry. In one case I moved away just as things were becoming dangerous. In the other I allowed my emotions to win the battle. Things ended five years later as I intellectually could have foreseen on the first day. I learned a lot from the experience, but wouldn't recommend it. In my experience, I have a hard time turning down someone wonderful who likes me, but doesn't match up on any of the foundational issues that are important for long term success. So...the only solution is to choose early on to distance yourself both physically and emotionally from the person.

    I really believe that without confidence a person will also have problems with communication and character because the three are very intertwined. The other issue is what matters most in life to both of you (faith, family, having kids or not, lifestyle etc). If you are looking for something long term and those two issues have not been resolved, you need to run because left to ourselves, most of us cannot resist going for it and it never works out well.

    This isn't so much about making a pros and cons checklist, as evaluating whether or not the whole thing has a chance. It's like loving the windows of a house or the decor, when there is no foundation and water is leaking all over the place. After awhile, the windows and decorations don't matter a whole lot. The house will either fall over or will need to be bulldozed.

  3. #3
    Senior Member seeker22's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Emotions are changeable and can't be trusted. I know from experience that I have been very attracted to intelligent, interesting, accomplished people that would have been a disaster to marry. In one case I moved away just as things were becoming dangerous. In the other I allowed my emotions to win the battle. Things ended five years later as I intellectually could have foreseen on the first day. I learned a lot from the experience, but wouldn't recommend it. In my experience, I have a hard time turning down someone wonderful who likes me, but doesn't match up on any of the foundational issues that are important for long term success. So...the only solution is to choose early on to distance yourself both physically and emotionally from the person.

    I really believe that without confidence a person will also have problems with communication and character because the three are very intertwined. The other issue is what matters most in life to both of you (faith, family, having kids or not, lifestyle etc). If you are looking for something long term and those two issues have not been resolved, you need to run because left to ourselves, most of us cannot resist going for it and it never works out well.

    This isn't so much about making a pros and cons checklist, as evaluating whether or not the whole thing has a chance. It's like loving the windows of a house or the decor, when there is no foundation and water is leaking all over the place. After awhile, the windows and decorations don't matter a whole lot. The house will either fall over or will need to be bulldozed.
    Geez! Were you and I connected in a different life?? Your insight is razor sharp and *AMAZING*!!! I am SO diggin' it!

  4. #4
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I think all of us NFs are prone to this problem especially since we can see potential in people, we do idealize a leetle bit, and like you, if I can explain someone's motives for doing something I put myself in their shoes and let them get by with it (at least a lot longer than I should). Then I'm mad at myself because I even knew it was coming, allowed poorer behaviour than I would tolerate from friends or acquaintances and have only myself to blame! I have made sacrifices for them which were not reciprocated and then they will do something hurtful to end it or to stay in the driver's seat and not bee vulnerable. It takes quite a while for me to give up on a person completely, so then I have wasted some time as well and ridden the roller coaster of having my hopes brought up and then shattered a bunch of times.

    Furthermore, I am drawn to people that are interesting (which sometimes mean they have problems that are not immediately apparent) and people that are at least or more intelligent than me. I have discovered that insecure men sometimes seem confident. Unfortunately the combo of intelligent and insecure is a deadly one. By the time I have seen a pattern in their behaviour and realized it's insecurity that is making them behave poorly, I already have gotten to care.

    Over time and with observation of others close to me, I think I have found a few shortcuts for distinguishing between true confidence and whistling in the dark (topic for a later discussion!).

    One of the things that best helps in overcoming ambivalence is not adding in physicality. Sex (with all that leads up to it) entangles you deeper emotionally and adds feelings of obligation while other areas of the relationship haven't been explored enough to make a judgement of whether there's a future. Also, if you take that element out of the equation, you will find out whether you have anything else to do together and any comfort level with each other. It also allows you to focus on communicating and getting to know the other person, which of course will make sex better later. When people entangle themselves with moving in and owning property together, it is another thing that ties them in longer than they may have otherwise chosen to stay.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    I think all of us NFs are prone to this problem especially since we can see potential in people, we do idealize a leetle bit, and like you, if I can explain someone's motives for doing something I put myself in their shoes and let them get by with it (at least a lot longer than I should). Then I'm mad at myself because I even knew it was coming, allowed poorer behaviour than I would tolerate from friends or acquaintances and have only myself to blame! I have made sacrifices for them which were not reciprocated and then they will do something hurtful to end it or to stay in the driver's seat and not bee vulnerable. It takes quite a while for me to give up on a person completely, so then I have wasted some time as well and ridden the roller coaster of having my hopes brought up and then shattered a bunch of times.

    Furthermore, I am drawn to people that are interesting (which sometimes mean they have problems that are not immediately apparent) and people that are at least or more intelligent than me. I have discovered that insecure men sometimes seem confident. Unfortunately the combo of intelligent and insecure is a deadly one. By the time I have seen a pattern in their behaviour and realized it's insecurity that is making them behave poorly, I already have gotten to care.

    Over time and with observation of others close to me, I think I have found a few shortcuts for distinguishing between true confidence and whistling in the dark (topic for a later discussion!).

    One of the things that best helps in overcoming ambivalence is not adding in physicality. Sex (with all that leads up to it) entangles you deeper emotionally and adds feelings of obligation while other areas of the relationship haven't been explored enough to make a judgement of whether there's a future. Also, if you take that element out of the equation, you will find out whether you have anything else to do together and any comfort level with each other. It also allows you to focus on communicating and getting to know the other person, which of course will make sex better later. When people entangle themselves with moving in and owning property together, it is another thing that ties them in longer than they may have otherwise chosen to stay.
    You just told my life story. Sad and tragic ending from trusting that someone would care for my heart til death.

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