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[NF] NFs and unanswered love

Queen Kat

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I know a couple of people who love someone without telling the person they love them and today I noticed that they are all NFs. Let me tell you about two of them, maybe the most extreme ones.

One of those NFs is an INFP, and she never tells anyone that she loves them. She's 18 now. The first time she fell in love with someone, she was 12 and she decided not to tell him. I have no idea why. That one sided love affair ended when she was 16 or 17. Then she fell in love with another guy, who really liked her, but she didn't tell him either. She's still in love with him and she doesn't want to start dating with him, because she thinks she'd only use him as some kind of what she calls "staring material".

The other one is an ENFJ or an ENFP (can't quite figure ou which one, she's too irresponsible and unstable to be an ENFJ and too fun sucking and conforming to be an ENFP) and she was in love with a guy for two years without telling him. Everyone knew, but she still didn't tell him, until she got drunk at a party and started crying and telling about how much she loved him. They started dating, got a relationship and after a few weeks she already broke up with him. She started whining about it to everyone for about seven months, until I told her what a crazy retard she had become. Then she started dating a lot of guys at once, she had a lot of "boyfriends" whom she dumped after a few days, because she couldn't help comparing her new boyfriends with the guy she was in love with first.

Is this some special NF-thing? I haven't noticed any SJ's, SP's or NT's with these kinds of "love affairs". Do you guys notice the same thing?
 

Antimony

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I notice this a lot with the NFs, but also I have an ESFP friend who has gone through basically the same things. That, however, could be just because she is unhealthy and overly emotional.
 

Thalassa

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No I don't do this. I'm pretty straight forward unless I'm sure I'll be rejected.
 

Lauren Ashley

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I don't think this is particular to NFs. I've seen people of all types show a deep interest in another and never let them know. I do however believe that NFs have a higher propensity to fantasize about a person and live in that fantasy, without ever needing or choosing to have that fantasy become a reality.
 

Kyrielle

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I know a couple of people who love someone without telling the person they love them and today I noticed that they are all NFs. Let me tell you about two of them, maybe the most extreme ones.

One of those NFs is an INFP, and she never tells anyone that she loves them. She's 18 now. The first time she fell in love with someone, she was 12 and she decided not to tell him. I have no idea why. That one sided love affair ended when she was 16 or 17. Then she fell in love with another guy, who really liked her, but she didn't tell him either. She's still in love with him and she doesn't want to start dating with him, because she thinks she'd only use him as some kind of what she calls "staring material".

The other one is an ENFJ or an ENFP (can't quite figure ou which one, she's too irresponsible and unstable to be an ENFJ and too fun sucking and conforming to be an ENFP) and she was in love with a guy for two years without telling him. Everyone knew, but she still didn't tell him, until she got drunk at a party and started crying and telling about how much she loved him. They started dating, got a relationship and after a few weeks she already broke up with him. She started whining about it to everyone for about seven months, until I told her what a crazy retard she had become. Then she started dating a lot of guys at once, she had a lot of "boyfriends" whom she dumped after a few days, because she couldn't help comparing her new boyfriends with the guy she was in love with first.

Is this some special NF-thing? I haven't noticed any SJ's, SP's or NT's with these kinds of "love affairs". Do you guys notice the same thing?

I believe that's called "limerance". What is happening here is these people are idealising (and idolising) the person they're interested in. They become so infatuated with the person that they fall in love with the idea of that person. This is problematic because as soon as they are actually with the subject of their infatuation, they no longer desire to be with them because the subject, in reality, is not the same (and not who/what they fell in love with) as who they have created in their minds. Which results in destruction of the relationship if the idea is not compromised, adapted, or disabled in order to perceive the real person.

So, no, this isn't just an NF-thing. It is probably prevalent in NFs because of their tendency to fantasize, but it can and does happen to just about anyone.
 

BrokenSticks

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I was looking at some comics last night, and came across this. I think it fits:

tmcm050411.gif


When you build anyone (or anything) up in your head too much, you will never seem "good enough" for them, and also there's a terrible fear that they won't live up to the image that you've created of them, so time passes by while you continue to fantasize and do nothing.
 

whimsical

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I never hold back on telling a person I love, how much I love them. The only reason I would keep it in would be if I was not sure if I was going to get a positive response back.
 

mortabunt

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NT's, particuarly INTP's, can really fall head over heels like an ENFP, but never express anything more than a slightly embarased nod.
 

amelie

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That's not characteristic of me - I'm very expressive with people I'm close to. It does sound more NT to me, but each person is different.
 

mortabunt

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It's partially NT, because our logic tells us that the person we are seeking is right in front of us. I've learned to ignore that particular logic. It's heavily NF, because if I am correct, they seek romance, and so want to love. That makes them especially vulnerable to diving into relationships.
 

runvardh

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I've backed off from saying much, though I try to avoid the falling in love part. I can easily find a girl who is interesting enough to get to know, but some circumstances make the idea of a relationship improbable. More often I try to just push the ideas away since incubation is just another form of self torture.
 

King sns

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I have a problem expressing love for people.
I rarely tell people how I feel unless they do so first.
Not an NF though
 

OrangeAppled

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The story of my life :cry:
The more I care about someone, the harder I find it to tell them :doh:
I don't think I've ever told a guy when I really, really liked him. I can't say I've ever actually been in love, but I tend to run away from it.
The limerance thing is something I fall easily into also...

My ESFP sister, my ENFx friends, the ISxJs I know...these people seem incapable of keeping their feelings to themselves, at whatever the cost.
 

GinKuusouka

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I've noticed that I either go for all or nothing when expressing my emotions. It's hard for me to be in the middle. I've suffered a lot of rejection, but I know that each case has been a learning point. :) I still have troubles finding a middle ground. But that's just my own personality.
 

Oddly Refined

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I have refrained from expressing my emotions if I thought that it would destroy a friendship. Generally, I try not to express those types of emotions often. But, dating lots of men and being self-destructive was never my thing. I prefer to be reserved and not easily swayed. To be bluntly honest, sometimes it's easier to just say nothing. I don't go around sharing my thoughts with many people nor do I make them obvious. It's not really anyone's business.
 
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ENFJ_Catholic

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As the years have gone by... I've become more and more expressive in my love for others. It becomes a question of when to state it though... and sometimes there's a bit of remorse for stating it "too soon." :blush:

Above all I don't want to hurt the state of growth of a relationship. It must be done "right." :rules:

I dislike falling for images...I fall in love with people. (That's not a type-thing...)
 

hommefatal

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I usually fall for girls, admire them some time (usually less than a month), and then I decide whether to tell them or not. Mostly I don't. But when I do, they always say no, lol. But usually I don't tell those who I 'love' more because always bad things happen to me and I don't wanna 'lose' them. I mean girls in my age are basically afraid of boys loving them, lol.
 

thisGuy

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this thread is REALLY interesting

i think it might have something to do with the reaction of the other person and insecurities that come with diving into a relationship

no i dont mean getting rejected although that IS somewhere on the list. i mean that getting into a relationship, you will basically have to open up your entire life, the small little things that only you know about to the other person.
 
P

Phantonym

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As an NF, I can only speak for myself. Can't say if you could call this kind of behaviour a special NF-thing. I have certainly had these kinds of "love-affairs" before. Looking back, I can't really call it "love". Temporary obsession, maybe. Whatever reasons other people have had doing this silent loving, mine has always been self-preservation. Avoiding being hurt. It is like calculating the risks which option would be more harmful - keeping it silent or letting the person know. So far, I have opted for silence. I guess, I haven't really loved anybody like that before.
For me, it's not actually idealizing the other person, it's more like imagining what it would be like to be with them if they felt the same. It has always been a kind of warm feeling that makes you want to wake up in the morning and wait for the moment you finally see that person. I guess I have managed to keep it under control and not let myself be too obsessed by this feeling. It has never been this overwhelming need to possess the person. Thus, the feelings have passed. So far. I have always felt that I'm wasting my own time and cheating myself out of an opportunity to experience the real thing, instead of some illusion I have created for myself.
 

Queen Kat

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That could be a problem as well: when can you call something love? When you're dating for a while? After you have slept together for the first time? When you're married for twenty years? Where does an obession stop and where does love begin? After some period of time, after you've done something or when you're just willing to do everything to make your loved one happy, even if it means that you have to suffer or never see him again? It's a little confusing. Maybe NFs think they love someone quicker than any other type?
 
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