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  1. #31
    almost nekkid scantilyclad's Avatar
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    yes i would forgive them and depending on what the circumstances were i may or may not break up with them.
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    The pain won't let me get away.

  2. #32
    Senior Member BlahBlahNounBlah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by seeker22 View Post
    As an ENFP, we can sometimes be *too* forgiving... How do you know when to forgive... and when to walk away? Example: The ISFJ partner who cheated on me one year ago wanted me back right away and still wants me back. I have told her no repeatedly. I don't feel like I can ever trust her again... Once someone breaks their loyalty to me TO THAT DEGREE... I struggle.

    If someone cheats on me, it's over. Period. End of discussion. I don't care what the reasons are.





    But I'm an NT, so you may not be comfortable making the choice I would. I'd sleep just fine.

  3. #33
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    I could forgive someone, but I wouldn't stay in a relationship with them.

  4. #34
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    Sure, I could forgive but forgetting it is a whole another matter. Nothing would ever be the same again as it was and there could be only two outcomes of this:

    1. We break up.
    2. We work on it and maybe establish a new level of communication that makes our relationship stronger.

  5. #35
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    No. Or maybe I would, but it would effectively end our relationship. I won't recover from having that level of trust broken. And it would be cruel to subject him constantly to my insecurities about him straying again constantly.
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  6. #36
    Senior Member mwv6r's Avatar
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    I do think that forgiving and taking back the cheating partner can be a good route occasionally, but you have to be a very strong, secure person to be capable of that. (Stronger than me!)

    Very early on in my relationship with my fiance (6 years ago when we lived in different cities and had just started dating), I cheated on him in a heavily-intoxicated moment of weakness by making out with a guy at a party (no sex of any kind but kissing and heavy petting). I felt terrible the next day, but as I've matured and gotten more serious with my partner and moved in together (and stopped drinking so damn much!) my embarrassment at my actions that night has only increased. Now I look back and can only cringe and wonder what I was thinking to risk a caring relationship for something so meaningless and temporary with a near-stranger. I am lucky enough to have an amazing partner with a laidback, forgiving personality type (ESTP) who took me back after a brief break-up (in which we sorted things out and I realized how much I had fucked up). I am really grateful he forgave me. I will NEVER make that mistake again, and ever since then I've been very cautious about the situations I put myself in when I'm drinking, usually only getting that level of drunk when he is around too or if he's not around, only getting that way around people I can trust.

    As an INFJ, I am not blessed with one of those laidback, forgiving personality types -- I am extremely sensitive and easily hurt. I know for a fact that I would not be able to forgive him for the same transgression. In fact about two years ago I discovered an inappropriate flirtation he was having with a coworker (it had not progressed to cheating but was headed in that direction, although he insisted that he would have stopped it before that point even if I hadn't gotten involved). Anyway, I told him to stop the behavior, and he did stop and was remorseful, but even then I had sooo much trouble letting it go, and in fact I saw a counselor for a time because I was so distraught. I felt so hurt and betrayed that it was a struggle to put it behind me -- I nearly broke up with him even though he hadn't even done anything physical with her. Had he actually crossed the line with this girl instead of just toeing the line I know that I wouldn't have been able to forgive him. I've read that introverted judgers (IxxJs) have trouble letting go of hurt, and that's definitely true for me! One factor that did help me get over it was remembering how he had forgiven me for my mistake, although if he'd touched her I know for certain that all bets would have been off as far as I was concerned! So I guess in that sense I am a big fat hypocrite, but regardless, I know that my sensitivity is something that is largely static/unchangeable in my personality. And so I have just tried to learn from my mistake, been thankful for such a forgiving partner, and moved on from there.

    (Aside: what truly blew my mind was that in all our arguments over the more recent situation, he never once brought up my past mistake. I think he honestly has completely forgotten about it, which is unfathomable to me -- I would never forget something like that! Sometimes I am really envious of the supreme emotional stability and rock-solid self-esteem of xSTPs!)

    Long story short, I think as an NF a common gut reaction is to kick the cheating partner to the curb for their transgression and to terminate the relationship. But at the same time, I can tell you from personal experience that it is possible for a person to learn from their mistake and change...

  7. #37
    Senior Member alcea rosea's Avatar
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    Could You Forgive A Partner For Cheating?

    Depends on the situation because the world isn't black and white.
    I'm not entirely sure if I could forgive, but I could forget....

  8. #38
    Senior Member stigmatica's Avatar
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    Been there, done that. Wasn't easy, wasn't quick, made life miserable more so for me than her for a very long time. So long ago now, it might as well have been another life now. So, it's possible, but not easy. A lot of growth came out the other end of it, had it not, that would have been a tremendous amount of pain for not, so it's a risky undertaking. For me, I'm glad I did. Had there not been any kids involved, however, I would have probably moved on rather than plow through such pain. Took about 5 years to truly get past it, so it's not for the faint of heart.

  9. #39
    Senior Member stigmatica's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nightning View Post
    Agree with what fidelia said.

    It's not about whether you can forgive the person for cheating on you. It's about WHY the person chose to cheat. There's something wrong with the relationship if there's cheating going on. You can either try to work that out... or take the easier/more sensible route and walk out.
    Yep... something is wrong, but it's not necessarily two sided. When it happened to me, I was committed to my family, and struggling to succeed. We were still pretty young, and she had never managed to grow into the role of motherhood. I can't stress enough how mortified and angry I was the night I found out. She went out under the guise of "Girls night out" to play bingo, and I stayed at home taking care of our young child, even though I had exams at the University the next day and needed to study. 2:00AM, and she's still not home, and not answering her phone. I'm worried beyond sick, convinced she's dead on a highway somewhere. She comes in, and I'm fit to be tied. Nothing she says makes any sense, her clothes didn't smell like smoke (would have if she played bingo), and came up with some story about a break down that was riddled with inconsistencies and holes. Eventually, she confesses to the real story.

    You should know that I would have never suspected her capable of it until that moment. I've never been that angry before or after that night in my entire life. I wanted to know everything, but hearing anything at all sent me into a rage. I wanted to skin the other man alive, I wanted to end everything, and yet couldn't bare the thought of raising my child alone, and yet I couldn't bare the possibility of my child in the care of the other man if we divorced, and they continued a relationship. A million conflicting thoughts ran through my mind every minute for days. No sleep, no food. I skipped exams, life was at a crossroads, and I couldn't move.

    I kicked her out of the house, and I kept our child. This lasted only a few weeks. Every day, I couldn't help but call. I actually missed her for those two weeks, but at the same time I despised her. She was sorry for what she had done, but I just couldn't get enough sorry to satisfy me. I made a list of conditions for her return. I don't remember all of them, or what they were exactly... but off the top of my head...

    1. You must give me 1 year of total communication of where you are, and what you're doing at all times.
    2. You must quit your job (was a coworker she cheated with) immediately, and never return to that place.
    3. You must dedicate every available moment to being a good wife and mother to prove your dedication to the family, above and beyond the call of duty.
    4. You must attend a marriage councilor with me.

    She agreed to the terms, and carried them out to the letter. She literally became a different and better person. The person she was before that agreement essentially died that day, and 12 years later, she's better than ever. We've discussed this a few times over the years, and for her, the pain ended the moment the agreement was made. For her, the guilt was lifted at that point. For me? I had nightmares that slowly reduced in frequency to zero over the next five years. For the first year, I had trouble shutting off the scenario's and what if's running through my head every time I spent time alone. Any movie with cheating in it became too painful or uncomfortable to watch.

    I'm completely over it now, and have been for sometime. Time heals all wounds. I can watch cheating movies with my wife in arm with no issues at all. I can drive past the place of employment at the time, and possibly not even think about it.

    2 points though:
    1. It's easy to cheat, and easy to be forgiven. It's the one you hurt that suffers the most. I'm not talking about a girlfriend/boyfriend thing, I'm talking about in a long established relationship.

    2. Before the event occurred, I hate to say it, but she was not a very good mother, and certainly not a great wife. She was a child. After, she was stellar in all these things and still is today. I can't help but wonder if it was for the best in the long run.

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