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  1. #1
    Senior Member seeker22's Avatar
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    Default WTF?! ENFPS: Engaging YET ALOOF!

    I'm an ENFP and I have found (and been told) that one minute I can be completely friendly, engaging, playful, charming, flirtatious. etc. and then the next minute I can be aloof, guarded, private, elusive, mysterious, and difficult to get to know.

    I've reflected on this and tried to figure it out. When I'm "out and about" my curiosity towards and fascination with people intrigues me and drives me to be social. I feel like an explorer, and I am GENUINELY interested in exploring/studying/engaging with everyone/anyone.

    Yet when it comes to the point where I actually need to MAKE TIME for someone, as in they want to hang out or whatever - I can suddenly withdraw and become very protective of my time, autonomy, and freedom. I can become quite elusive. When I am present, I will make you feel like you are the only person in the room, because I truly will be fascinated with you, yet I can be tough to pin down.

    When someone calls me up and I don't answer the phone or the email or whatever and I start acting distant - people tell me I let them down. They want more. I flee. They say I flip flop, give mixed signals, and can be difficult to read.

    Any other ENFPs experience this phenomenon? Any thoughts on why we can pull this number?

    As warm, friendly, and engaging as we are we actually have a very private side that we allow few others to access I believe.

    We can give the illusion of having been completely "open," yet little do they know, they have barely scratched the surface. The result - people feel very connected to us - like they *know* us - but we may not feel that same *connection* to them, although they will believe that we feel that way towards them! They are inevitably surprised to discover that we don't! That we were just being friendly!

  2. #2
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    I know what you mean, when I feel bound by social obligations ie you are my friend, you MUST reply to me at all times, I withdraw, I don't like anyone to rely on me because of it.

    Yet when I am free of expectations I feel more able to give 100% of my attention to a person.

    However this is a temporary state, if a person can put up with my flip flopping style and can get passed a certain time frame they settle into my safe zone, and I don't let them down anymore.

    Maybe it's some kind of litmus test that I set people subconsciously.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

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  3. #3
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    i've been told i can be aloof and flippant and look completely uninterested...i think for me it's just when i'm lost in my head and not paying attention to what's going on around me. it's like i have 2 modes completely engaged or completely unengaged...on...off...like that.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  4. #4
    Senior Member seeker22's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    when I feel bound by social obligations ie you are my friend, you MUST reply to me at all times, I withdraw ... Yet when I am free of expectations I feel more able to give 100% of my attention to a person.
    YES! Same here.

    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    However this is a temporary state, if a person can put up with my flip flopping style and can get passed a certain time frame they settle into my safe zone, and I don't let them down anymore.
    YES! Same here.

  5. #5
    Senior Member seeker22's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    it's like i have 2 modes completely engaged or completely unengaged...on...off...like that.
    Yes! Like a light switch. We can flip it on or off... just like that.

  6. #6
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by seeker22 View Post
    I'm an ENFP and I have found (and been told) that one minute I can be completely friendly, engaging, playful, charming, flirtatious. etc. and then the next minute I can be aloof, guarded, private, elusive, mysterious, and difficult to get to know.

    I've reflected on this and tried to figure it out. When I'm "out and about" my curiosity towards and fascination with people intrigues me and drives me to be social. I feel like an explorer, and I am GENUINELY interested in exploring/studying/engaging with everyone/anyone.

    Yet when it comes to the point where I actually need to MAKE TIME for someone, as in they want to hang out or whatever - I can suddenly withdraw and become very protective of my time, autonomy, and freedom. I can become quite elusive. When I am present, I will make you feel like you are the only person in the room, because I truly will be fascinated with you, yet I can be tough to pin down.

    When someone calls me up and I don't answer the phone or the email or whatever and I start acting distant - people tell me I let them down. They want more. I flee. They say I flip flop, give mixed signals, and can be difficult to read.

    Any other ENFPs experience this phenomenon? Any thoughts on why we can pull this number?

    As warm, friendly, and engaging as we are we actually have a very private side that we allow few others to access I believe.

    We can give the illusion of having been completely "open," yet little do they know, they have barely scratched the surface. The result - people feel very connected to us - like they *know* us - but we may not feel that same *connection* to them, although they will believe that we feel that way towards them! They are inevitably surprised to discover that we don't! That we were just being friendly!
    You really don't know why you're like this?
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  7. #7
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    I can relate and I do it coz a) I'm in another world and I have the sign 'do not disturb' on the door, and b) I really don't feel like reacting to outside stimuli coz I don't wanna leave my inner world and deal with mundane stuff at that time.

    But yeah...it drives people up the wall, unfortunately

    I'll do it though if I notice that people really need to talk about something. That's the only exception I make.
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  8. #8
    Senior Member seeker22's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    a) I have the sign 'do not disturb' on the door, and b) I really don't feel like reacting to outside stimuli coz I don't wanna leave my inner world and deal with mundane stuff at that time.
    OMG you just hit the nail on the head!! YES!!

  9. #9
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    I realize it frustrates people sometimes, but my close circle of friends knows this about me and know I don't do it on purpose. They sometimes still get annoyed by it, but they bear with me, as they know that I will stand by them no matter what, and they know that I *will* be there in their time of need. I'm just not the person to call for organizing shit, practicality stuff, and don't expect me to be on time, coz time moves very differently in that other world, but I'll drop everything I've got going on and bump anythign in my schedule if they have a crisis on their hands.

    I do try to curb this bad habit if I know that although this particular thing is not important to me, it is in fact a big deal to them (for instance, being on time to help them move). Emphasis on 'try', though...
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





    "Harm none, do as ye will”

  10. #10
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by seeker22 View Post
    I'm an ENFP and I have found (and been told) that one minute I can be completely friendly, engaging, playful, charming, flirtatious. etc. and then the next minute I can be aloof, guarded, private, elusive, mysterious, and difficult to get to know.

    I've reflected on this and tried to figure it out. When I'm "out and about" my curiosity towards and fascination with people intrigues me and drives me to be social. I feel like an explorer, and I am GENUINELY interested in exploring/studying/engaging with everyone/anyone.

    Yet when it comes to the point where I actually need to MAKE TIME for someone, as in they want to hang out or whatever - I can suddenly withdraw and become very protective of my time, autonomy, and freedom. I can become quite elusive. When I am present, I will make you feel like you are the only person in the room, because I truly will be fascinated with you, yet I can be tough to pin down.

    When someone calls me up and I don't answer the phone or the email or whatever and I start acting distant - people tell me I let them down. They want more. I flee. They say I flip flop, give mixed signals, and can be difficult to read.

    Any other ENFPs experience this phenomenon? Any thoughts on why we can pull this number?

    As warm, friendly, and engaging as we are we actually have a very private side that we allow few others to access I believe.

    We can give the illusion of having been completely "open," yet little do they know, they have barely scratched the surface. The result - people feel very connected to us - like they *know* us - but we may not feel that same *connection* to them, although they will believe that we feel that way towards them! They are inevitably surprised to discover that we don't! That we were just being friendly!

    I generally relate to this, but I don't agree with the last sentence at all. Depending on your definition of friendly of course.

    I never do small talk for too long. If I'm talking to you chances, are I'm really interested in what you have to say. Otherwise I wouldn't really be talking to you.

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