[ENFP] WTF?! ENFPS: Engaging YET ALOOF!

[Amargith]

Make no mistake, though we might give you the benefit of the doubt, you still have to earn our return, as much as we have to earn your attention first

 

[Tiny Army]

I have an excellent example regarding both Galusha and my punctuality (or lack thereof):

Galusha gets SO PISSED when people do not arrive at the time they said they were going to. We had a lot of issues with a particular ISFP friend of ours (she was a train wreck). The result: When I agree to meet Galusha somewhere I am not late. I always leave early. When Galusha and I are going to a place together (unless it is a movie/play/anything that starts at an established time) we're always at least a half hour late. She keeps this in mind and updates her schedule accordingly.

Edit: Apparently, she also tells me things begin earlier than they actually do. My Fi is trying to get offended by this but the rest of me finds this a perfectly reasonable solution.

 

[mortabunt]

I know this ENFP chick in real life. I stopped asking her what the hell every time she did something comepletely unexpected or crazy. At first I though she was an ESFP, but then I told her go to hell when one of her stunts nearly caused me to drop gasoline. She was insanely hurt by that. That's how I could tell that she was an ENFP. She's hopefully forgiven me. *nervously bites nails.*

 

[mortabunt]

I could tell because an ESFP would shrug it off, yet an ENFP would take it personally.

 

[Charmed Justice]

Funny post. I have been known to disappear for sometimes weeks/months at a time to certain people. There are never any hard feelings as I usually do this with people I've known my entire life, but I usually do it when I feel too emotionally worn to talk. I think I do come off as aloof sometimes, and apparently many of my friends think I am a Thinker rather than a Feeling type. I rarely ever reveal emotions that would make me appear vulnerable, even though I feel these emotions very deeply, ruminate over them for months, and write them out in journals.

 

[ergophobe]

Make no mistake, though we might give you the benefit of the doubt, you still have to earn our return, as much as we have to earn your attention first

D*** right.

 

[thescientist]

I'm an ENFP and I have found (and been told) that one minute I can be completely friendly, engaging, playful, charming, flirtatious. etc. and then the next minute I can be aloof, guarded, private, elusive, mysterious, and difficult to get to know.

I've reflected on this and tried to figure it out. When I'm "out and about" my curiosity towards and fascination with people intrigues me and drives me to be social. I feel like an explorer, and I am GENUINELY interested in exploring/studying/engaging with everyone/anyone.

Yet when it comes to the point where I actually need to MAKE TIME for someone, as in they want to hang out or whatever - I can suddenly withdraw and become very protective of my time, autonomy, and freedom. I can become quite elusive. When I am present, I will make you feel like you are the only person in the room, because I truly will be fascinated with you, yet I can be tough to pin down.

When someone calls me up and I don't answer the phone or the email or whatever and I start acting distant - people tell me I let them down. They want more. I flee. They say I flip flop, give mixed signals, and can be difficult to read.

OMG this describes the ENFP coworker I was talking about in the new thread I posted exactly. I'd love to hear everyone's insight on this.

 

[Lady_X]

umm...yeah i think that might describe me a bit too..as well as my enfp sister....hmmm....i have no explanation for it.

well...it's just like on/off ya know....does that make sense?

 

[thescientist]

umm...yeah i think that might describe me a bit too..as well as my enfp sister....hmmm....i have no explanation for it.

well...it's just like on/off ya know....does that make sense?

So how can you tell if an ENFP has lost interest in your or if they're just having an OFF moment?

 

[Lady_X]

i have no idea...i don't think i'm even aware that i'm actually being perceived that way at the time because it's not intentional and has little to do with the other person and maybe it's not often i am...but i have been told i can be quite aloof and looking back i think i was just in my own head...and not really uninterested, ya know?

 

[BlueScreen]

actually, ENFPs are more engaging to me when they're tired-- something about the original warmth puts me on edge, since I'm trained to associate it with an ulterior motive. it seems more genuine when you meet someone whose interest you initially have to earn... enter ENTP during exams. best friend!

This is funny, cos when I was younger I always used to have the best nights when I was sick. As you said, the sickness just slowed me down a bit so I seemed more relaxed and conversational.

 

[Strawberrylover]

Responding to a couple things in this thread...

Usually, I'll withdraw if I've discovered something new in an abrupt and emotionally exposed manner, and I need to process it and decide how I feel about it. It's not necessarily about disillusionment with the individual.

+1

I see the point from the ENXP's view. However, I personally see this as flimsy decision making. I think the other party at least deserves to hear a clear answer - negative or positive - when someone else's energy is concerned.

You have a point. The problem is just that for us, it's sometimes hard to determine exactly what we need in terms of social interaction.

For me, especially when I'm dealing with something upsetting, I follow hunches and feel the waves of my emotions a lot more acutely. The other day at work for instance, out of the clear blue sky I got the feeling that I want to read Lolita. Why? Er... don't know. I also get Netflix movies and let them sit on shelves for weeks because after I get them, I just don't feel like watching them anymore. It's frustrating even for me, but that's just the way I've got to work through things, in an irrational, nonlinear fashion with Te and Fi kind of swirling around each other.

You're right that we should be more responsible with other people though. I've been trying to learn not to cross over and give out "I want to hang out with you!" signals with people that I'm only vaguely interested in getting to know, and being more punctual and communicative with my closest friends. I used to be afraid of seeming like a flake when I'd need social interaction and then go "cold" for some reason, so I used to always OVER commit, ironically leading people to think that I was indeed a flake. Now I know more about declaring an emotional need (in the case of huge emergencies) and saying something akin to "I don't know if I need to hang out or talk, but do you think you'll have time tomorrow if I do?" If I feel stretched too thin when a request to hang out comes in, I'll be more ambiguous -- not a problem with most people.

I've decided the quality of friendships in my life matter more than the quantity. So, I've made a conscious effort to "water regularly" the friendships that have made the cut. For these people, I will try to be more on time (it is still relative), cancel only if I absolutely have to, and think carefully before I commit to doing something with them. Also, as always, if they need me in a crisis, I will put everything on hold and move mountains to be there. I have to be told, in no uncertain terms, that the crisis is here.

I still have a lot of distant friends and acquaintances - people I met and found fascinating and am genuinely fond of but don't 'need' around regularly for sustenance. It's a finely tiered life and I take on few new friendships any more. In fact, I have been mocked for saying, "sorry I have a full life and I'm not looking for new friends".

BINGO! Loved this post.

ergophobe, I'd like to hear more about how you do this "tiering." I have a lot of distant friends as well, and when they email asking how my life goes and talking about what's going on with them, sometimes it's hard for me to keep things on a surface level. If I detect any sign that they're unhappy, I want to ask what's going on and try to help. Of course, that means that I get stretched too thin between work, life and my local friends. How do you tier? What are the "rules," if you have any?

 

[seeker22]

Funny post. I have been known to disappear for sometimes weeks/months at a time to certain people. ... I usually do it when I feel too emotionally worn to talk. I think I do come off as aloof sometimes, and apparently many of my friends think I am a Thinker rather than a Feeling type. I rarely ever reveal emotions that would make me appear vulnerable, even though I feel these emotions very deeply, ruminate over them for months, and write them out in journals.

LOL!! Meeeee too you just spoke my life story with all of this...

I wonder why ENFPs are sometimes mistaken for Thinkers - almost everyone I know tells me I am so "in my head" and such a "thinker" ... Little do they know the intensity of emotion burning and smoldering beneath the surface...

 

[Little Linguist]

I'm an ENFP and I have found (and been told) that one minute I can be completely friendly, engaging, playful, charming, flirtatious. etc. and then the next minute I can be aloof, guarded, private, elusive, mysterious, and difficult to get to know.

I've reflected on this and tried to figure it out. When I'm "out and about" my curiosity towards and fascination with people intrigues me and drives me to be social. I feel like an explorer, and I am GENUINELY interested in exploring/studying/engaging with everyone/anyone.

Yet when it comes to the point where I actually need to MAKE TIME for someone, as in they want to hang out or whatever - I can suddenly withdraw and become very protective of my time, autonomy, and freedom. I can become quite elusive. When I am present, I will make you feel like you are the only person in the room, because I truly will be fascinated with you, yet I can be tough to pin down.

When someone calls me up and I don't answer the phone or the email or whatever and I start acting distant - people tell me I let them down. They want more. I flee. They say I flip flop, give mixed signals, and can be difficult to read.

Any other ENFPs experience this phenomenon? Any thoughts on why we can pull this number?

As warm, friendly, and engaging as we are we actually have a very private side that we allow few others to access I believe.

We can give the illusion of having been completely "open," yet little do they know, they have barely scratched the surface. The result - people feel very connected to us - like they *know* us - but we may not feel that same *connection* to them, although they will believe that we feel that way towards them! They are inevitably surprised to discover that we don't! That we were just being friendly!

i've been told i can be aloof and flippant and look completely uninterested...i think for me it's just when i'm lost in my head and not paying attention to what's going on around me. it's like i have 2 modes completely engaged or completely unengaged...on...off...like that.

I can relate and I do it coz a) I'm in another world and I have the sign 'do not disturb' on the door, and b) I really don't feel like reacting to outside stimuli coz I don't wanna leave my inner world and deal with mundane stuff at that time.

But yeah...it drives people up the wall, unfortunately

I'll do it though if I notice that people really need to talk about something. That's the only exception I make.

I realize it frustrates people sometimes, but my close circle of friends knows this about me and know I don't do it on purpose. They sometimes still get annoyed by it, but they bear with me, as they know that I will stand by them no matter what, and they know that I *will* be there in their time of need. I'm just not the person to call for organizing shit, practicality stuff, and don't expect me to be on time, coz time moves very differently in that other world, but I'll drop everything I've got going on and bump anythign in my schedule if they have a crisis on their hands.

I do try to curb this bad habit if I know that although this particular thing is not important to me, it is in fact a big deal to them (for instance, being on time to help them move). Emphasis on 'try', though...

I have an almost scientific interest in people. I often offer up information about myself to draw other people out and more often than not they see this as a bond formed. It isn't. I just wanted information and am personable enough to draw it out of other people. If someone doesn't want to be probed I back off and expect to be treated the same.

I am often told I'm cold and unfeeling because I can be so engaging and warm one minute and then off in my own exclusionary world the next. Just because an ENFP is curious about you doesn't mean they actually care. Remember that we lead with our perceptions, not our feelings.

I agree 100% with all of these comments and think these are the most representative of the way I feel regarding this topic, so no need to reiterate.

 

[ergophobe]

ergophobe, I'd like to hear more about how you do this "tiering." I have a lot of distant friends as well, and when they email asking how my life goes and talking about what's going on with them, sometimes it's hard for me to keep things on a surface level. If I detect any sign that they're unhappy, I want to ask what's going on and try to help. Of course, that means that I get stretched too thin between work, life and my local friends. How do you tier? What are the "rules," if you have any?

Hey Strawberrylover,

I understand that your feel-o-meter is always running on high, sensing everyone's mood. I'm sure other NFs would sympathize.

The rules are (maybe Fi helps in this area):
1. If I ask the other person how they are doing or as we are want to do, say something along the lines of, "hey, you don't sound like yourself"...we should expect to be able to offer the person a real conversation in return for sharing. Sharing what's on their mind can be exhausting and they are opening up to us for comfort. If I don't have the time to do this or don't know them well enough to offer comfort, I won't push them on their mood. Sometimes it's more of a disservice to get someone to open up and share what's on their mind and then to leave them hanging without offering real comfort. So, only ask how they're doing or what's off if you have the time/energy to listen and offer comfort. It's more fair to them and less of an information mining exercise at our end.
2. I think we can me too much of open books sometimes with people we don't know well. This is not good for us (we are gullible) and also misleads people into thinking they are closer to us than they are. Share more with people you know well and have spent time building trust with and less with strangers and acquaintances (this may seem strange to other types but seems pretty typical of ENFPs). This building of intimacy helps with tiering.
3. Say no. Practice it. Say no to events you know you are likely to resist at the day gets closer. Don't say yes just to please the other person. In the long run, their disappointment at being rejected or stood up with short notice will be greater. Say no to people too - no to people who are demanding with offering little in return, no to new friendships if you feel stressed and unable to meet existing commitments. It's okay to say no. When done kindly and honestly, most people understand.
4. Make few commitments but do everything you can to keep them. The disappointment we feel because we expect so much of people in our lives is also felt by them because we enable them to have similar expectations. It is only fair that we do everything to meet them.
5. This should have really been number 1. Take care of yourself. Retreat and recharge yourself often. We forget to do this a lot and we and our relationships suffer for it. When you sleep well, eat well and meet your commitments, you have more to offer others.
6. In picking people who you choose to put in the top tier, pick those who you like to listen to as much as they like to listen to you. We will always find followers but our gift/flaw as a type is that we consider others' opinions/perspectives very seriously. Ensure you surround yourself with people who you can trust to give good advice and who will be completely honest with you.
7. Schedule. We are most susceptible to mixing work and play. This is my own personal challenge. Be more disciplined at work so you get more done during work time and then don't bring any home with you. Play time is really important to us!

If you have suggestions, do share.

 

[Wonkavision]

I have an almost scientific interest in people. I often offer up information about myself to draw other people out and more often than not they see this as a bond formed. It isn't. I just wanted information and am personable enough to draw it out of other people. If someone doesn't want to be probed I back off and expect to be treated the same.

I am often told I'm cold and unfeeling because I can be so engaging and warm one minute and then off in my own exclusionary world the next. Just because an ENFP is curious about you doesn't mean they actually care. Remember that we lead with our perceptions, not our feelings.

Very true.

Awesome post.

Especially the bolded part.

Take notes, people.

 

[Ace_]

Well that's not nice. People open up to you because they think you care.

Now I'm starting to get suspicious about you guys.

 

[Jaguar]

^ I agree. Sounds like deceptive horseshit.

 

[Amargith]

Depends highly on the topic, imo. We approach things from a personal stance and often enjoy others to do the same, so we can have a warm and engaging conversation that way about..say family dynamics. I at that point am indeed gathering info. Dunno about the people who stated that they don't care, but I do tend to form a bond with those people, just not as deep as some people assume it to be because of the way I related to them.

When people come to me, one on one, with personal stuff and trust me, the bond definitely goes deeper though sometimes, idd, they will bond to me stronger than vice versa (at least at first). But there's no way I will not respect that vulnerability and even protect it. I'm not one to betray trust like that. It's precious to me and would not dream of using it against them or being cold to them after that.

 

[BlahBlahNounBlah]

I haven't found ENFPs to be aloof. Maybe they do this more with other types? It just hasn't reflected my experience with them.