Quote Originally Posted by Southern Kross View Post
I don't believe in just taking thing at face value - its against everything I believe in. People fake emotions all the time but more often than not its for reasons such as self-preservation, reserve, politeness, or because they feel uncomfortable. What I think this is more about is taking a realistic attitude and avoiding projecting your own fears on to others. Most people don't spend their time thinking constantly how they are going to screw other people over - they have their own more basic every day personal concerns.
Fair enough - very practical. Thanks for that perspective.

You have to think realistically why that person would do what they do and you must make your opinion of them amendable.
Makes sense. I think part of the trouble is, being an NF, closure for me means understanding their motivations so I can understand what happened and move on. I'm having some trouble doing that and a big part of it is, as Amar mentioned, that when your own emotions are involved, it's hard to get a real objective read. Perhaps I just need to wait it out a little longer to get to a place where I can step back and view the situation and person more objectively.

Quote Originally Posted by MattC333 View Post
I'm idealistic about a person, til they prove otherwise and even then it's quite gradual. I have to see more proof that it wasn't just a one-off situation.I pride myself on trying to dig into people to find the best them, like your israeli friend, see what layers are there and why they have created them, what traumas/experiences caused them to need them?
Yes, me too. Often to my own exhaustion and detriment.

Quote Originally Posted by MrME View Post
Here's the deal. If you've offended or annoyed an ESxx, they'll come right out and tell you. So, you've got a fair amount of the population licked right there. Many ENTx types will come right out and tell you, too.

For the rest, I solve this problem very simply. I ask, "Did I just say something stupid or annoying?" 999 times out of 1000, I'll get a look from them like and they'll tell me "No." Then I'll make a self-deprecating joke and move on. I take them at face-value and think nothing more of it.

After a while, you stop jumping to conclusions because you've got enough evidence to realize that it's all about what's going on in your head and not actually the reality of the situation.
Actually I find the NFs in my life are much more likely to tell it like it is - blunt and straightforward. They may have to be asked but they will share honestly. The person in question, for me, was an NT and the other ENTs I've talked to also seem to prefer to go with a 'polite, kinder version' than what they really think. There's no inherent malice in that at all, it's being kind in their eyes. That's fair.

For me personally, I prefer brutal honesty because it helps me gain a much better understanding of the person and their motivations. That done, I'm better equipped to learn from the situation, make my own judgment and move on, particularly when my own ability to impute motives is being clouded by emotions. Thinking of the motive being politeness or self-preservation still implies dishonesty which is always disappointing as an NF when you've put your trust in someone. Plus, I don't get to learn from the situation and from how my own actions contributed to the shared consequence. So, it's a double loss, in my view.