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  1. #21
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by whimsical View Post
    I agree with Halla's post, I have a lot of high expectations of people and especially those I am close to or in a relationship with. I give a lot of myself and I spend a lot of time thinking about how I can do things better for the other person, how I can make them feel the best they can, how I can make this relationship reach it's highest potential, and in return I do expect the same
    I do hope you're never disappointed by your partner but it will happen in a LT relationship. While it feels like the right thing to do, you'll also have to realize that being on a quest to make them feel the best they can really isn't your job to do. Motivating a partner is one thing. Taking on the responsibility for their happiness is not.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

  2. #22
    Cat Wench ReadingRainbows's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nyota View Post
    Halla pretty much summed it up...

    Being one of those idealistic INFJs, I really hope I am satisfied with my marriage.
    Me too, one of my number one fears is having a failed marriage.
    Quote Originally Posted by EffEmDoubleyou View Post
    St. Stephen took rocks and St. Sebastian took arrows. You only have to take some jerks on an internet forum. Nut up.

  3. #23
    Senior Member whimsical's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ceecee View Post
    I do hope you're never disappointed by your partner but it will happen in a LT relationship. While it feels like the right thing to do, you'll also have to realize that being on a quest to make them feel the best they can really isn't your job to do. Motivating a partner is one thing. Taking on the responsibility for their happiness is not.
    I am not taking full responsibility for their happiness, no, because I do know that they should be happy with me regardless. That's why they are with me, because who I am makes them happy. But in a relationship I do strive to put meaning into everything I do and I am constantly thinking of how my partner feels, and how to improve these feelings if they are down. That's what a relationship is to me, being yourself but also making sure that the other person is the happiest they can be just as well.

    As for the "fullest potential" question I try to make sure that aspects of the relationship are always in the up levels, like communication, I always tell my partners that I want to hear what they are thinking whether it hurts me or not because I know communication is very important. And then there are other things, like doing a variety of activities together so we don't get bored, and building our persons together. For me a relationship is a bond between 2 people and if the bond is good, both people can and should be learning more about themselves and achieving personal growth together.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  4. #24
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    I've stopped expecting perfection a while ago. Now I just go by what I know I need, what I'd like, and what I can deal with. This is what I've come up with so far, I just hope it's realistic enough.
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

    INFP, 6w7, IEI

    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  5. #25
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Hmm...I've read INTPs have the highest dissatisfaction & most problems, because of intimacy issues (not able to get close & communicate positively).
    I read that in a few books my sis has discussing MBTI and relationships, but I don't remember the names...
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  6. #26
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post
    Really great post.

    The theme of changing and the ability of people to change others and themselves are thoughts I dwell on very often. One of the main problems I see when people talk about their relationships (and myself too), regardless of type, is the ability to have realistic expectations and disassemble some of the more grandiose expectations. It's really hard and we've been fed so many fairy tales of what relationships are supposed to be.

    I guess this is a somewhat pessimistic way to view relationships, but my mother has said to me if you want to be in a successful LTR you need to take a good hard look at your partners bad qualities and figure out if those are something you can deal with. Those are the things you can't really expect a person to change and how you respond to those things make or break a relationship.

    Is it fair and reasonable to have some idealism and expectations change in a relationship? Damn, sometimes it's like should you dare to dream? I guess it's like casca said. My friend and I were talking about how it seems like everyone in his current city of resident seems to be young and coupled, but it's a strange type of coupling like people are resigned to their partner, to their job, to their lives of quiet desperation.

    I was reading this article yesterday about how a predictor of divorce is how bored partners are with each other. What shakes things up a bit in a LTR or marriage that keeps things growing and interesting if it's not the expectation of something different or something changing for the better? If you have no to low expectations (good or bad) yeah you're less disappointed but are you really happier and satisfied? That's just complacency and acceptance of the relational status quo.

    I think some of the problem is people are told to shoot for the stars and they can be anything they want to be. It's more admirable to be driven and ambitions and determined when it comes to a career than it is to have that same type of focus turned towards your relationships. And in the end, I think it's more about the quality of your intimate relationships than anything else because those provide support for when everything else in your life is falling apart.

    So maybe INFs do or don't have unrealistic expectations, I can't really say for sure. All the research and data I see shows that not many other married people are faring much better so eh.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  7. #27
    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    Meaning dont marry an infp or infj woman, if you dont want to be stuck with a wife for all your life, who cant voice her dissatisfaction ?!

    I actually thought my infj to be quite the opposite type.
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  8. #28
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post
    I think some of the problem is people are told to shoot for the stars and they can be anything they want to be. It's more admirable to be driven and ambitions and determined when it comes to a career than it is to have that same type of focus turned towards your relationships.
    Protean, this is an excellent point. I never once in my life took any relationship as seriously as I did my career. My motto has always been: I work so hard all day, the last thing I want to do when I come home is more work.

    I think there are a lot of people like me who fool themselves into thinking differently about themselves. Then they end up getting married and disappointing their partners. A lot of people simply do not want to make the effort. I admit that I am one of these people, which is why marriage will not be in the cards for me.

    All of this really is about self-awareness, and understanding human expectations and limitations.

  9. #29
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by aphrodite-gone-awry View Post
    my new mantra. thank you!


    Quote Originally Posted by jenocyde View Post
    It would be very difficult for me to hear a problem and not take any steps to fix it. If this is a major point of contention in INFx relationships, then some compromise needs to be made. Out of curiosity, if you want to work it out yourselves, then why talk about it?
    Generally, for us to influence the external world, we must first influence our internal worlds. Any attempt by someone to affect that can be intrusive. However, once that's done, I'll greatly welcome solutions to solve the problem.

    This isn't an INF_ thing, but people in general also refuse help out of pride, which is somewhat silly. It's easy for us INF_s to not accept help because of the whole "What does that imply if I accept help from you?"

    Quote Originally Posted by ptgatsby View Post
    I'd be interested in seeing the study itself... it doesn't fit into what I've read about relationship satisfaction... including idealization. It's normally a positive thing.
    Could you clarify this a bit?

  10. #30
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post
    Generally, for us to influence the external world, we must first influence our internal worlds. Any attempt by someone to affect that can be intrusive. However, once that's done, I'll greatly welcome solutions to solve the problem.
    I understand and do the same thing. But the question is why talk about it? I never discuss problems if I know I don't want to hear anyone run their mouth off with their opinions...

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