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  1. #1
    Glycerine
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    Default Question for the EXFJs....

    My ESFJ dad tends to lose his temper on a regular basis (several times a week) and it is usually very intense. My INFP mom and I approach the situation in completely opposite ways. I usually just detach and stay calm waiting for the emotional storm to pass. I think it's best to let feel his emotion because it seems like an emotional release. It works because he's usually over it in like 5 minutes but then the intensity can really build up and he will feed into it more sometimes. My mom, on the other hand, usually tries to mediate the situation by asking him what's wrong and attempting to calm him down. From what I have noticed, he sometimes calms down but at other times, it just seems to exacerbate the whole situation at which point I tell my mother to just leave him alone. I am starting to think that these episodes are caused by unbridled Fe under immense stress. So EXFJs, if you get really angry about something, do you want to be left alone or do you want someone to try to calm you down? Do you guys have any other suggestions?

  2. #2
    Senior Member SpottingTrains's Avatar
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    You really have to push me very, very far to get me angry. If you actually manage to accomplish this there is no hope for you.
    "That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can."

  3. #3
    Senior Member Jonathanthegreat's Avatar
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    When someone makes me angry it's usually because A.) miscommunication or B.) They are trying to hurt someone I love.

    To reconcile, with me at least, you need to approach me like an adult and converse with me in an educated manner on how we can resolve our conflict. It's pretty simple, I guess it's not the same with ESFJ's though, because I find esfjs very irrational at time due to their constant need of control lol.

  4. #4
    Glycerine
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    Quote Originally Posted by SpottingTrains View Post
    You really have to push me very, very far to get me angry. If you actually manage to accomplish this there is no hope for you.
    haha, then you must have a much higher frustration than my dad. My mom and I aren't usually the focus of the anger. It just gets very draining since it occurs frequently.

  5. #5
    Glycerine
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jonathanthegreat View Post
    When someone makes me angry it's usually because A.) miscommunication or B.) They are trying to hurt someone I love.

    To reconcile, with me at least, you need to approach me like an adult and converse with me in an educated manner on how we can resolve our conflict. It's pretty simple, I guess it's not the same with ESFJ's though, because I find esfjs very irrational at time due to their constant need of control lol.
    That might be it. He can handle major emergencies/crises with ease but when it comes to life's little annoyances, he usually freaks out and loses his temper.

  6. #6
    Senior Member ENFJ_Catholic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jonathanthegreat View Post
    When someone makes me angry it's usually because A.) miscommunication or B.) They are trying to hurt someone I love.

    To reconcile, with me at least, you need to approach me like an adult and converse with me in an educated manner on how we can resolve our conflict. It's pretty simple, I guess it's not the same with ESFJ's though, because I find esfjs very irrational at time due to their constant need of control lol.
    I'd agree on what happens when someone makes me angry. It's usually miscommunication or an attack on someone I love. We have a tendency to want to sweep things clean (under rugs) like ESFJs, but more so we'd like frank communication (not always control).

    In fact, we'd probably relinquish control first before losing harmony. It's only in rare, rare cases where I'd see the lust of control coming into play there. Those SJs are a different bunch though...stubborn ones they are... In a good way!
    "In the end it is not a matter of reason; it is a matter of love." - St. Thomas More

  7. #7
    Senior Member The Grand Chameleon's Avatar
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    So EXFJs, if you get really angry about something, do you want to be left alone or do you want someone to try to calm you down?
    Retreating into ourselves causes negative thoughts to fester, which if unleashed would be something like that commercial for "Wolverine" the video game. In personal experience, having another party to exchange concerns with always helps to abate the fury. Especially if it's the guilty party, who must have a genuine desire for reconciliation.

    This brings up an interesting thought: As for ESFJ vs ENFJ, how would anger manifest itself in the physical realm? In my experience, ESFJs tend to express their anger immediately and without restraint, wherever and whenever the instigation occurs. I've never met another ENFJ IRL, but I personally convert anger --> irritation, and as it swells over time bits and bits are irradiated to the outside world. This may take the form of exclusion from activities, disregard of opinion, and in extreme cases, attacks on their value system.

    You really have to push me very, very far to get me angry. If you actually manage to accomplish this there is no hope for you.
    Where is your personal limit?
    "In the game of chess, you can never let your opponent see your pieces."

  8. #8
    Senior Member ENFJ_Catholic's Avatar
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    Well stated, GC. It's often the case that a retreat would cause things to fester and not heal over. We, by default, clamor for harmony.
    "In the end it is not a matter of reason; it is a matter of love." - St. Thomas More

  9. #9
    Glycerine
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Grand Chameleon View Post
    Retreating into ourselves causes negative thoughts to fester, which if unleashed would be something like that commercial for "Wolverine" the video game. In personal experience, having another party to exchange concerns with always helps to abate the fury. Especially if it's the guilty party, who must have a genuine desire for reconciliation.

    This brings up an interesting thought: As for ESFJ vs ENFJ, how would anger manifest itself in the physical realm? In my experience, ESFJs tend to express their anger immediately and without restraint, wherever and whenever the instigation occurs. I've never met another ENFJ IRL, but I personally convert anger --> irritation, and as it swells over time bits and bits are irradiated to the outside world. This may take the form of exclusion from activities, disregard of opinion, and in extreme cases, attacks on their value system.



    Where is your personal limit?
    That sounds like my dad A LOT. I apologize. I assumed that this behavior was primarily stressed out Fe so I thought ESFJs and ENFJs would act similarly.

  10. #10
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Don't get mad, get glad! Once again the ENFJ nobility rears it's head.

    I've got a temper and I can be an unholy terror. I'm not just walking around being an angry person though flipping off on anyone who looks at me wrong. People react to stress and suboptimal situations in different ways. Some people mentally, emotionally, and physically go AWOL. Others () go running towards Gomorrah. Personally, if I'm already in a heightened state of stress then little things can tick me off and I react towards them. I typically unleash this sort of behavior on those closest to me and I feel like a detestable dredge of a person when I do.

    I have also reached the conclusion that I'm an escalator and I take situations to whole different levels of insanity. It's my gift to the world. Even I realize that my reaction doesn't match the situation but the small triggers tend not to be the base cause of my frustration. Because I realize this about myself, I ere on the side of extreme caution and remain uninvolved to the point of detachment with most situations and people, but it's not a natural detachment so it takes a strange form.

    I read somewhere that people's greatest strengths also tend to be their greatest weaknesses, their tragic flaw. I'm a very decisive person, and I typically have a rough outline in my head of what direction I think I should go in and if people want to follow me into the jungle I have a rough outline for that as well. I've noticed what tends to frustrate me is when people don't know what they want after I feel like I've opened up channels of communication (and I'm further realizing that just because people think they have done something doesn't mean they have accomplished what they intended to do) to get us on the same page. I like to talk about interpersonal problems and get them solved ASAP (which I also realize that sometimes things need to sit for awhile and they'll solve themselves). Ideally, I try to operate in what's fair and reasonable to expect from myself and others. But the worse thing you can do to me is not communicate anything, not say anything, not do anything. Silence is a form of communication, but it's the most nebulous form and people can project whatever they want into that void. Some people take silence as acquiescence and others think the world is ending.

    But this is the tug of war of personality forces at work. I don't accept that the way I do things are wrong per se, my pushing has net positive benefits too often for me to outright disregard what I do. I put things front and center, good and bad. I'm just as likely to gushingly heap praises and shower them with sparkles and pixie dust. I'm wondering if this actually reinforces bad Fe in someway and many ExFJs pick this up...that people don't like when they're openly negative but adore when they're openly positive. Once again it's a healthy balance to me. The same mechanism produces the same behaviors. I'm not going to speak for all ExFJs but I'll point out the elephant is in the room banging on pots and pans. The thing is knowing when to back off and when to push and when to switch methods when one isn't working. One thing I've noticed with my INTP and ISTP siblings is that nothing really hits five alarm with them and they're very slow and passive responders even when a quick response is necessary. I may be overreacting but are they underreacting? Are all of us reacting with rather extreme responses only in opposite directions?

    I'm trying to create strategies to deal with human ugliness and not treat it like it's some asteroid that hits the planet once every hundred million years. Conflict is such a common thing and people deal with it badly across the board. We see the fruits of people dealing with it badly on the news every night, in our homes, in our relationships, within ourselves, it's just as ubiquitous as air. We even enjoy it for entertainment value when we're not directly involved in it. Being comfortable with a certain level of disharmony is a necessary coping mechanism, we even have hormones in a bodies made to deal with such things. Living in a constant state of turmoil is acidic to any person and many issues stemming from this are lifelong struggles to overcome.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
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