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  1. #11
    Senior Member wrldisquiethere's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Grand Chameleon View Post
    Retreating into ourselves causes negative thoughts to fester, which if unleashed would be something like that commercial for "Wolverine" the video game. In personal experience, having another party to exchange concerns with always helps to abate the fury. Especially if it's the guilty party, who must have a genuine desire for reconciliation.

    This brings up an interesting thought: As for ESFJ vs ENFJ, how would anger manifest itself in the physical realm? In my experience, ESFJs tend to express their anger immediately and without restraint, wherever and whenever the instigation occurs. I've never met another ENFJ IRL, but I personally convert anger --> irritation, and as it swells over time bits and bits are irradiated to the outside world. This may take the form of exclusion from activities, disregard of opinion, and in extreme cases, attacks on their value system.



    Where is your personal limit?
    Here's how I am:

    If I am angry at the person who is wanting to talk about it, I frequently will want to think about it for quite awhile before I talk about it. The reason for this is that I like to try to formulate a way of approaching the problem that will be least offensive. The pro is that by taking some time to think, I often calm down and can get to the bottom of what is really bothering me. The con is that often I will sit and think about it for so long that I decide to not address the problem at all, which means that NEXT time it's a problem, my emotional response to that problem is magnified.

    If I am angry at someone else, I will usually want to talk about it with someone. However, I am not a gossip and won't want to just vent to anyone who can hear me. I'll find someone close to me (family member or best friend) and I will bitch about it. If that person acts uninterested or like they wish I would stop talking, it aggravates me to no end. Usually I am looking for validation that my feelings are not ridiculous and that I have a right to be upset. However, I usually prefer to vent to someone who will also approach me practically and honestly. Usually it's good to hear "I'm sorry" (to me, translated is "it's ok that you feel this way") "but maybe that's not what so-and-so meant" (translated "it will help if you try to look at this situation objectively") or "Why don't you try _____?" (translated "I want to help you mend this situation if possible" or "You have the strength and ability to mend this."). I hope that makes sense.

    Quote Originally Posted by ENFJ_Catholic View Post
    Well stated, GC. It's often the case that a retreat would cause things to fester and not heal over. We, by default, clamor for harmony.
    Agreed.
    Si, Fe equal Fi & Ti

    "I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it." -Mitch Hedberg

  2. #12
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    It's a matter of learning where your red line exists so you don't blow up on people. There's two ways to go with me - 1. letting me settle down on my own unmolested, or 2. grab the rake out of my hand so I'll stop beating things.

    I kid. (Or do I?!)

    Fe, not properly controlled, results in explosions. I know that I'm wound tight, and I tend to show it by a long mumbled string of sarcastic "observations" about whatever is provoking me (I share this trait with the INFJs I know). I realize that I'm not in a good place when I start doing that. I run completely out of patience and go into "executioner" mode. It helps that I have others around me on a daily basis who can point out to me that I'm slipping. I don't always catch it. I'm a cranky crab apple anyway. *laughs*
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
    Neutral Good
    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  3. #13
    Senior Member wrldisquiethere's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPiranha View Post
    It's a matter of learning where your red line exists so you don't blow up on people. There's two ways to go with me - 1. letting me settle down on my own unmolested, or 2. grab the rake out of my hand so I'll stop beating things.

    I kid. (Or do I?!)

    Fe, not properly controlled, results in explosions. I know that I'm wound tight, and I tend to show it by a long mumbled string of sarcastic "observations" about whatever is provoking me (I share this trait with the INFJs I know). I realize that I'm not in a good place when I start doing that. I run completely out of patience and go into "executioner" mode. It helps that I have others around me on a daily basis who can point out to me that I'm slipping. I don't always catch it. I'm a cranky crab apple anyway. *laughs*
    I have this tendency sometimes, too, when I'm trying to hold something in.

    And by the way, just for the record, when I said before that I like to get alone and think about a problem before talking to the person whom the problem involves, what I really mean is getting off by myself and talking through it verbally. Any time there is a conflict, I hold multiple conversations with that person by myself before I actually have the conversation with the other person present.
    Si, Fe equal Fi & Ti

    "I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it." -Mitch Hedberg

  4. #14
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    I like to have my time to process too. Anything rushing me through how I feel about something, esp a strong or unpleasant feeling, gets met with resentment and resistance. I hate having to walk through my feelings right in front of people.

    I hold my feelings in A LOT. My sis and I got into a serious disagreement the other day and I wound up breaking down in tears and frustration, not because of her, but because of what we were talking about.

    I had no idea I was still so deeply angry about it, so resentful. I must have buried it miles below the surface. I guess it was the only way I could cope with it. I'm always startled by these small earthquakes but I suppose I shouldn't be... I'm so busy processing other peoples' feelings that mine submarine.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
    Neutral Good
    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  5. #15
    Senior Member wrldisquiethere's Avatar
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    I get you. How many times have I started crying and started verbalizing feelings that I didn't know where there? I don't know, but it's happened quite a bit. I've ended many a conversation (whether by myself or with someone else) by saying, "Wow, I didn't realize that was even bothering me."
    Si, Fe equal Fi & Ti

    "I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it." -Mitch Hedberg

  6. #16
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Werd.

    Sometimes I feel like I'm a bottomless pit that feelings get flung down. They disappear in the blackness and resurface at strange moments. Anyone see that one scene in "Aeon Flux" where she's down the "well"? That could be my psyche. It really could. Sometimes I feel like I've got other people inside my head that are no longer there, like fingerprints on a window.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
    Neutral Good
    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  7. #17
    Senior Member ENFJ_Catholic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post
    I read somewhere that people's greatest strengths also tend to be their greatest weaknesses, their tragic flaw.
    The greatest of sinners can become the greatest of saints, if only they are able to realize how to channel their own gifts.
    "In the end it is not a matter of reason; it is a matter of love." - St. Thomas More

  8. #18
    Glycerine
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    Thank you guys for all the input. I will most definitely consider all this.

  9. #19
    Senior Member Kungpowish's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by IDK123 View Post
    My ESFJ dad tends to lose his temper on a regular basis (several times a week) and it is usually very intense. My INFP mom and I approach the situation in completely opposite ways. I usually just detach and stay calm waiting for the emotional storm to pass. I think it's best to let feel his emotion because it seems like an emotional release. It works because he's usually over it in like 5 minutes but then the intensity can really build up and he will feed into it more sometimes. My mom, on the other hand, usually tries to mediate the situation by asking him what's wrong and attempting to calm him down. From what I have noticed, he sometimes calms down but at other times, it just seems to exacerbate the whole situation at which point I tell my mother to just leave him alone. I am starting to think that these episodes are caused by unbridled Fe under immense stress. So EXFJs, if you get really angry about something, do you want to be left alone or do you want someone to try to calm you down? Do you guys have any other suggestions?
    Being left alone give me time to think of all the reasons I'm mad and what I'm going to say and how great my wrathful storm will be, so I prefer to talk it out. But it's only worth doing this if you can approach it the right way. If someone comes and talks to me about why I'm upset I will, with some nudging, tell them, if they then try to explain why they did nothing wrong..... bad things happen.
    -There is nothing either good nor ill but thinking makes it so.

  10. #20
    Senior Member IEE623's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by IDK123 View Post
    My ESFJ dad tends to lose his temper on a regular basis (several times a week) and it is usually very intense. My INFP mom and I approach the situation in completely opposite ways. I usually just detach and stay calm waiting for the emotional storm to pass. I think it's best to let feel his emotion because it seems like an emotional release. It works because he's usually over it in like 5 minutes but then the intensity can really build up and he will feed into it more sometimes. My mom, on the other hand, usually tries to mediate the situation by asking him what's wrong and attempting to calm him down. From what I have noticed, he sometimes calms down but at other times, it just seems to exacerbate the whole situation at which point I tell my mother to just leave him alone. I am starting to think that these episodes are caused by unbridled Fe under immense stress. So EXFJs, if you get really angry about something, do you want to be left alone or do you want someone to try to calm you down? Do you guys have any other suggestions?
    I think it might have something to do with the auxiliary Si instead of the dominant Fe. All the people that I know who use Si (either aux or dom) explode very easily, since they usually try to be nice while their inner self is upset in some ways. All the contradictions or inner conflicts got built up --> boom boom boom at some point
    "Adversity makes men, and prosperity makes monsters"

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